Recap: Carrie is climbing a rope ladder to get to a flying trapeze platform 'cause apparently an editor at New York Magazine wants her to take a break from her usual I couldn't help but wonder sexploity schlock to describe what it feels like to swing through the air. Two hours later, Carrie voice-overs that she's officially hooked on swinging...but when she's supposed to let go of her swing and grab the hands of her instructor who's on another swing, she's too afraid to do it. Ho hum. Samantha's dress zipper gets stuck, so she phones Smith and summons him to come over so he can undo her, and then do her. Over in Central Park, Charlotte and Harry are having official engagement photos taken 'cause Charlotte really really wants their photo and wedding announcement to be chosen for publication in The Sunday Times. She urges Harry to contort his face into a more natural looking expression...and for some reason he retorts by gushing about how excited he is to marry her. Steve drops off Brady at Miranda's apartment and gives her an aromatherapy candle that Debbie bought for her. He says the two of them should probably meet one of these days - but Miranda makes an eww face and argues that they need not ever meet. At the next brunch summit, Miranda complains to the gigolas about how Debbie bought her "a fucking candle" and that Steve wants them to meet. Carrie concurs about what a horrible idea that is, then admits she only said that just now as a show of support for her prickly friend. Charlotte points out that since there's a child involved, it's probably not the worst idea in the world for her to meet her baby daddy's girlfriend, but Miranda natters some nonsense about how Debbie is using Brady to get to her and that she's not "falling for it" , it being...well, who the hell knows? Harry and his best man Howie, who's in town from Portland, come by the restaurant to drop off the seating chart for the wedding...and also so Howie can take a gander at Carrie and decide if he'd be into tapping such a horsey faced gal. When Carrie seems oblivious to Harry's matchmaking attempts, Howie hands her his business card and invites her to call. Once he and Harry are out of earshot, the gals urge Carrie to go for it - but she pretends as though she has absolutely no interest in a meaningless romp with an out-of-towner.
Back at Casa Bradshaw, Carrie taps away on her computer and pontificates about there being no safety net in life, and that not everyone has someone to catch them when they fall. I can't help but wonder if this type of metaphor-laden crap was what the New York Magazine editor had in mind when he assigned her to swing around on a trapeze. The next day, Carrie goes trapeze swinging again...but once again she's too afraid to let go of her swing and grab the hands of her instructor. Ho hum. Anthony Marantino is over at Charlotte's apartment to help her with some last minute wedding planning. When she enters the room to give him a preview of her lovely wedding gown, he gasps and breathlessly compares her to Audrey Hepburn. Owitz. When the fact-checker from The Sunday Times calls to confirm the spelling of hers and Harry's names, the two shriek happily and giddily start dancing...and just as that's happening, Harry arrives home and accidentally gets a sneak peek of Charlotte's wedding gown. She shrieks, "OMG! It's baaaaaaad luck for you to see me in my dress!" and hides behind Anthony before she miserably flees the room.
Samantha is struggling to put on a pearl bracelet - but luckily Smith is over, and he offers to help her fasten it. He says he's bummed that they can't spend his last night (before leaving for Mexico for the Van Sant filming) doinking, but Samantha breezily points out that he'll only be away for two weeks and that he should feel free to not do anything she wouldn't do - which rules out exactly nothing. Miranda is singing to Brady when she hears Steve and Debbie approach her apartment door. In a hushed voice she orders Magda to tell them she's not home, then rushes over to her bedroom and crawls under the bed with Fatty, who I guess is also resistant to meeting Steve's new gal. Steve and Debbie enter the bedroom to look for something of Brady's...and after they find it and exit the apartment, Miranda emerges from her hiding spot with dust all over her clothes. She tells an amused Magda that someone should probably vacuum all the dust bunnies that have accumulated under her bed. At Charlotte's rehearsal dinner, Miranda tells Carrie that Debbie is so crazy that she had to hide under her bed to avoid meeting her. Carrie refrains from telling her that Debbie is definitely not the crazy one in this scenario, and that she should probably just meet the woman and get it over with. Miranda sullenly says if she does that, she'll finally have to face up to the reality that Steve has upgraded to a kinder, far more attractive woman. Samantha points at Howie across the room and urges Carrie to hit the sheets with him before he leaves for Portland...and Carrie decides why the hell not? and ambles over to him to engage in some cringeworthy flirty banter. In the next scene, she's in bed with him enduring frantic jackrabbit sex which she likens to teenage sex, meaning "he had no idea what he was doing, and I didn't say anything". Samantha is having problems removing her pearl bracelet and gets frustrated when she suddenly remembers that she can't summon Smith to come over and undo it for her. Charlotte is in bed with Harry when she detects the arrival of The Sunday Times as it lands with a thud at her doorstep...and she bolts out of bed to check out her marriage announcement. Her excitement turns to horror when an ink stain on the newspaper page makes it look like she has a Hitler-esque moustache. She calls up Carrie, who's stretching her neck - strained from a night of unwanted jackrabbit sex - to see if there's an ink stain on the engagement photo in her copy of The Times...and when Carrie's like yep, Charlotte wails about the horror of having a Hitler moustache in her engagement photo on the eve of her Jewish wedding. Wedding day! Carrie arrives at the synagogue still suffering neck pain...and she's decked out in a fugly cleavage-baring dress with a dumb looking braid roped across the top of her head. She tells Stanford about the horrible sex she endured with Howie...and when Howie spots her, he makes a beeline over to her and saucily tells her he has a hotel suite with a king sized bed. Carrie mumbles, "I dunno" and says she's still tired from last night and figured it was a one night stand kind of thing. Howie gets insulted, accuses her of using him for sex, then says if he'd known she was going to dump him after one night he never would have made love to her like that. Carrie's all, "Wuh?" and stares perplexedly into space. During the ceremony, an angry Howie mouths fuck you to Carrie while Harry accidentally spills wine on Charlotte's wedding gown as the two take sips from a chalice. Samantha struggles to unfasten her pearl bracelet and ends up spilling the pearls all over the floor, which causes Charlotte to trip on them after she and Harry are pronounced husband and wife. Fortunately, Harry catches her so she doesn't take an embarrassing spill in front of all the guests. Over in the bathroom, Charlotte tearfully dabs at the wine stain on her dress. She tells Carrie that she and Harry are cursed 'cause of how big a disaster the wedding is turning out to be...and when she starts bellyaching about how perfect she wanted everything to be, blah blah, Carrie reminds her that hers and Trey's wedding was perfect - but that the actual marriage started sucking within a year. She then shares a theory that just popped into her head: the worse the wedding, the better the marriage! She urges Charlotte to buck up and stop missing her wedding by feeling sorry for herself in the bathroom...and to remember that she has a wonderful man who loves her enough to catch her when she falls. Charlotte mulls over that not-so-subtle tie-in to Carrie's trapeze swinging sub-plot and decides she's ready to resume celebrating her wedding and start wrapping up this dud of an episode.
When it's Howie's turn to make the best man's toast, he praises Charlotte and Harry for finding each other "despite all the bullshit", then goes off the rails about how people are a bitch who leave you hanging. A puzzled Stanford asks Carrie if this is a toast or a roast - just as Howie ends his nonsensical rant with, "Love means never having to say: you used me for sex!" LOL. When Miranda gets up to make her toast, she mumbles a few kind words about Charlotte going after what she wants - just as her speech catches on fire when she leans in too close to the candle. Anthony throws his wine at her to douse the flame...and Charlotte tells Harry about Carrie's wedding/marriage theory and the two agree that the awkward toasts have guaranteed that they'll make it to their gold anniversary. After that, dancing and merriment ensues...and when Charlotte throws her bouquet toward the single gals, it beans Miranda on the head. Haha! Carrie takes one last crack at the trapeze - but she still doesn't have the courage to fly off her swing and catch the hands of her instructor. She caps off the episode by nattering about her "safety net" in the form of her three best friends...and we see that the gigolas are standing nearby, cheering her on. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee".
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