Recap: As Samantha vaccums her apartment, Carrie voice-overs that every seven minutes in New York City, an unsuspecting woman [pause for dramatic effort] dates an actor...and then Smith commits a faux break-in and pretends to attack Samantha. When Samantha gushes about how great his acting skills are getting, he stays in character and barks at her to shut the fuck up! ... and she responds by ordering him to fuck her before her non-existent husband comes home. At dinner, Samantha gives the SATC gals, along with Jack Berger, a full account of hers and Smith's rape fantasy sexploits and says it's sooooo refreshing to be with someone who likes to "fuck outside the box". After a brief pause, Carrie says to Jack, "And this is my friend, Samantha." Haha! Charlotte scrunches her face disapprovingly and tells Samantha she's offended by her rape fantasy doinkfest and reminds her that violence against women is a serious issue. Samantha argues that fantasies can't be censored, and that all the weird shit she and Smith have been engaging in lately is harmless stuff. When she asks Jack for a male's perspective, he carefully replies that any type of act "in the rape family" is probably not a good idea, then turns to Carrie and jokingly (sort of) asks if he can go home now. After the gals chortle approvingly and Samantha leaves the table to take a call from Smith, Carrie asks Miranda how her first date with the real estate guy went. Miranda recounts that he told her he had an early morning meeting, gave her a quick goodnight kiss, and promised to call. Carrie and Charlotte applaud the real estate guy's gentlemanly restraint, and Miranda asks Jack for his take...and he prefaces his comments by telling her he's not going to sugarcoat it, then blurts out, "He's just not that into you." When Carrie and Charlotte gasp and stare at him in horrified bewilderment, he explains that if the guy had really been into Miranda, he definitely would have tried to extend the date instead of pretending he had an early morning meeting, which is generally code for I'm just not that into you. He says men aren't complicated, and that when a guy is genuinely into a woman, he'll do whatever's necessary to book date #2. As Carrie and Charlotte struggle to wrap their brains around this theory, Miranda stares contemplatively into space for a few seconds, then decides that this type of brutal honesty is possibly the most liberating thing she's ever heard. Jack's like, "Well d'yuh", then predicts that she has an uncomfortable email from the real estate guy coming her way, and Miranda chuckles and mouths I love him to Carrie.
Carrie and Berger return to her apartment, both of them giddily gushing about how awesome they thought the evening went. Carrie gets two different ice cream treats out of her freezer and squeals joyously when Jack chooses the one she didn't want to eat - and then Jack tells her to shut it so he can dramatically blurt out, "I love you." Carrie squeals, "I love you too!" and insists that she had every intention of saying it regardless of whether he was going to or not...and the two start smooching.
Carrie and Charlotte meet up at Zabar's to squeal about how in love they are. Charlotte says she loves Harry "so much it hurts", then says that now that she's officially a Jew, she's been spending much of her leisure time preparing an elaborate Shabbat dinner for her beloved. To underscore her newly Jew status, she glares disapprovingly at the brisket the deli guy tries to pass off to her and barks, "I said lean!" then grins gleefully at Carrie.
Carrie arrives home wearing fugly shorts and what look like small patches strapped across her knees, which I can only assume is another of Pat Field's brain-farted fashion don'ts that had no possible chance of being replicated by even the wackiest of SATC "fashion trend" worshippers. Carrie gets a package from Jack that contains a copy of his book, and she eagerly cracks it open.
Over at Casa Jones, Smith, who's naked with a tie slung around his neck, is pretending to be an IRS auditor who has to break the news to Samantha that she owes the government 300K. Samantha poutishly says she can't afford to pay, then asks him if he's going to take the shirt off her back...and he obliges her by ripping it off so the two can start going at it.
Jack drops by Carrie's apartment just as she finishes reading his book. She gushes about how much she looooooooved it - except for one ginormous problem: his leading lady was seen gallavanting all over Manhattan wearing a hair scrunchie. Jack's all, "Wuh?" and says he's seen plenty of women in New York with scrunchies in their hair, but Carrie argues that no self-respecting woman who works at W Magazine with even minimal fashion savvy and who lives on Perry Street would ever be caught dead wearing a scrunchie. She hastily back tracks and says she'd like to read aloud her favorite paragraph...but Jack has already checked out of the conversation and says he's done talking about the book, then picks up the phone receiver and asks if they're ordering in. Carrie stares back at him with a put out expression on her horsey face.
The next day, Carrie meets up with Miranda and laments getting on her sassy horse and insulting Jack with the scrunchie remark. Miranda orders Carrie to work things out with Jack 'cause of how much she still appreciates the 'he's just not that into you' advice he gave her the other night...then says it's the reason she's A-OK with the real estate guy never calling her back.
Carrie labors over her shitty column, nattering about how quickly constructive criticism can become destructive. She taps out: are there times the ladies should just shut the fuck up? In your case, Carrie: YES, use that as a general rule of thumb.
Charlotte is causing a ruckus in the hallway of her building as she nails a mezuzah on her doorpost. When her prickly neighbor sticks her head out to see what all the banging is about, Charlotte shoots her a demonic smile and says, "Oh, good morning, Mrs. Collier! I'm a Jew now! How are you?" and Mrs. Collier looks startled by Charlotte's newly Jew status and quickly shuts her door.
As Miranda eats her brown bag lunch on the steps of a building, she overhears a young woman telling her friend about the guy she's been seeing, and that he hasn't called her in awhile - but that it's totes fine 'cause he's been sooooo busy. A few seconds later, Miranda gets the uncomfortable email from the real estate guy that Jack predicted, and it emboldens her to approach the young woman to tell her something that will hopefully save her a lot of time and energy: "He's just not that into you. So move on. Have a great day!" As she proudly struts off, the girl's friend calls Miranda a bitch and growls, "Who the hell asked her?" and the two adamantly agree that the overly busy guy will one day call.
Samantha is in a bar, decked out in a flimsy gold sequined dress, when Smith saunters in pretending to be a police detective from the 1940s. Samantha orders them two martinis, but Smith changes his order to a seltzer...and when Samantha insists on the martini, he breaks character and tells her he's in AA 'cause he got "totally fucked up for eight years in Seattle". Samantha looks aghast at Smith for injecting reality into their weird fantasy world, tells him she has a presentation in the morning, and hightails it out the bar.
Charlotte invites Carrie and Miranda over to her apartment to help her prepare her first Shabbat dinner. When Miranda consults Charlotte's cookbook, she notices some doodling that Charlotte has done, combining her maiden name with Goldenblatt...the way I used to do when I was twelve. Miranda asks whassup with assuming that she and Harry are getting married, so Charlotte says that marriage is definitely where she and Harry are heading...and speaking of which, would they be able to make her November wedding? Miranda asks her if Harry has even proposed yet, and Charlotte gets defensive and insists that she and Harry have an understanding about their future...and that she never would have gone through the hassle of converting to Judaism if she wasn't going to get a marriage to a well-to-do lawyer out of it. When Carrie orders Miranda to zip the lip, Miranda softens and tells Charlotte she just doesn't want to see her get hurt again.
Samantha's decked out in a trench coat and pretending to be a spy when she meets up with her "Secret Service Agent" fuck buddy. A few seconds in, Smith drops the act and says he'd like it if they could just be themselves...and Samantha contorts her face in her most bored expression. When he calls her out on bolting after learning he was in AA, she says that that's exactly the kind of personal info that spoils the fantasy. Smith chews on that for a few seconds and says, "That's harsh" and Samantha agrees that, yep, she is harsh...as well as stubborn, demanding, and about as classy as a five dollar whore.
Jack and Carrie are in line at a trendy restaurant...and the two just happen to be standing behind a woman who's wearing a scrunchie in her hair. Jack smugly points out the scrunchie sighting to Carrie...to which Carrie mutters under her breath, "She's not from New York." Jack taps the woman on the shoulder and asks her what part of New York she's from, and the woman cackles gleefully for a few seconds before shrieking in a heavy southern drawl, "Aaaam from Macon, Georgiaaaaa!", then beams at her husband 'cause someone actually thought a yokel like her could be a New York City resident. Carrie wisely resists the urge to say, "I told you so" while Jack stares despondently into space.
Miranda is out on a blind date with a friend of Harry's. After a spicy meal at an Indian restaurant, she suggests they get a coffee, but he declines. She chuckles knowingly, says, "You're just not that into me. It's OK, I get it" and he's like, "Actually, I'm about to diarrhea in my pants after eating all that curry" and rushes off to find the nearest toilet. LOL.
As Carrie and Jack eat dessert, Carrie babbles on and on about how much she loooooves his book, and Jack glowers at her and takes big forkfuls of her tiny chocolate souffle. For some reason, Carrie continues her incessant prattling while ignoring his openly hostile vibe.
Charlotte is ready to serve Harry the elaborate Shabbat dinner. When she goes into the kitchen to get candles, he turns on the TV in the dining room so he can get caught up on the baseball game - but when Charlotte reenters the room, she orders Harry to turn off the TV (he just mutes it so he can keep watching). Charlotte lights the candles and says the prayer...and when she finally notices Harry peeking around her while she's talking so he can watch the game, she wigs out and snappishly reminds him, "I gave up Christ for you!" Harry snaps back that she can't invoke her conversion to Judaism every time he annoys her, so she starts railing about how much work she put into this dinner...blah blah...then screeches, "Set the date! Set the daaaaaaate!!" When he tells her how batshit crazy she's acting, she bitchily/rhetorically asks, "Do you know how we look together?!" translation: people out in the world are astonished to see a hot woman such as herself voluntarily coupling with a short baldy who's nowhere near being in her league [then come to the inevitable conclusion that it's prolly 'cause he has a lot of money]. Harry glares back at her and says he's well aware of what people are thinking, then adds that he didn't think she was one of them. Ouch. He throws down his napkin, says, "I don't need this" and hightails it to the door. Before storming out, he turns around and says, "And to think, I bought a ring." Double ouch. Charlotte stares after him looking like she knows how royally she just screwed the pooch on this high-stakes relationship.
Carrie and Jack are ambling down the street on the way to her brownstone, and she's continuing to lay it on thick about how much she looooooooves his book. Jack comes right out and tells her how lame her over-gushing is - but Carrie insists she really does love the book, and apologizes for muddying everything up with the scrunchie remark. Jack just kind of shrugs and says he'll be heading home now, and she's like, "Nooooo!" and chases after him. She says she gets that he's pissed off, but insists that they be able to say what's on their mind. He stares disdainfully at the blue, fascinator type hat she's wearing and goes, "Nice hat." Carrie flushes with embarrassment, rips off the hat, and accuses him of saying that purely to hurt her feelings. Jack explains that the scrunchie remark bugged him so much 'cause there's no possible way he can fix it now that the book is published. He adds that his book sales have been slumping, which makes his book a failure...then snarks that her efforts to pump him up all night aren't doing anything to boost his self-esteem. Carrie tells him to shut it so she can assure him that he's a beautiful writer, that she truly loved his book, loves him, and finds him very sexy. She plants a smooch on his lips, and it looks like he's finally feeling agreeable enough to let her lead him up the stairs to her apartment.
Charlotte returns home with her glum face on while Carrie voice-overs that Harry hadn't called her in two days...and that he sent someone to her apartment to pick up his TV. Ouch.
As Carrie brushes her teeth the next morning, Jack enters the bathroom with a scrunchie in his hair...and the two giggle and clown around 'bout that until the end credits start rolling.