Recap: Carrie and Jack are eating out at a burger place, and Carrie can't help herself from dazzling viewers with her fancy wordplay in a giddy voice-over: the only thing as delicious as those first few bites of a truly great burger are those first few dates with someone truly great like Berger. As Jack gabbles about doing a book tour in his hometown, Carrie happily voice-overs about how fresh, fun, and foreplayish everything is at the beginning of a romance, wheeeeeee!! The next day, the two go shopping for shower curtains at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, then smooch with nauseating intensity in a restaurant until the weary wait staff shuts off the lights, glares at them in annoyance, and refrains from telling them to get a damn room. And speaking of getting a room, Carrie promptly decides that she wants Jack in her bed, bath, and beyond like pronto.
The two head back to Carrie's apartment and indulge in their maiden doink...and Jack lays atop her while engaging in some quiet, awkward looking thrusting. Through the open window, Carrie hears the M11 bus pull up, drop people off, and drive away...and she stares despondently into space for a moment, then scrunches her face in bewilderment.
The following evening, Samantha brings the gals to the trendy restaurant Raw, which serves uncooked vegan, non-dairy food. Carrie lets out an exaggerated yawn and says she didn't get much sleep last night...and that, yep, it's party due to her getting boned by Jack for the first time. When the gals demand the juicy deets, she says there are none...then wails about how great she and Jack are everywhere - in restaurants, on the phone, out shopping - but in the sack. When the hot young waiter (hellooooo Smith!) sashays over to serve the gals small bowls of a green soup-like substance, Samantha eyes him hungrily and exchanges flirty banter...while Miranda takes a sip of the soup, makes a blech face, and describes it as "lawn in a bowl".
Charlotte says she has an important announcement to make and demands everyone's undivided attention...and when the gals are all staring at her curiously, she dramatically declares, "I'm becoming a Jew" then grins maniacally. When she's met with looks of perplexed incredulity, she explains that she's making this transition 'cause she desperately wants to get on Harry's marriageable list, and is meeting with a rabbi to make it official. Samantha contorts her face into a look of disdain and asks, "Isn't that a lot of hoop jumping for a man?" and Charlotte's like, "Well, d'yuh", then says she never expected to fall in love with a dorky bald Jewish man who refuses to marry a non-Jew despite not being very devout in any other aspect of the religion. She adds that converting to Judaism is a small price to pay for the security of being married to a rich lawyer...and also being able to continue having the most exciting sex of her life.
After a unsatisfying meal of lawn soup and cactus salad, Carrie and Miranda head to a pizza joint to get some real sustenance. Miranda jokingly announces that she's acquired a new boyfriend, TiVo, and that she's loving the way he records various TV shows he thinks she'll enjoy, like Jules & Mimi, a raunchy UK soap about an interracial couple from opposite ends of town. Carrie changes the subject to herself and complains again about how bad her first doink with Jack was...and that it caught her off-guard 'cause she expected it to be so amaaaazing. Miranda warns her to start lowering her expectations asap.
Charlotte arrives at a synagogue to beam at the rabbi and tell him she'd like to become a Jew asap. He shoots her a disdainful once-over, says, "We're not interested", then shuts the door in her face. Bwahahaha! Charlotte's all, "Wuh?" and raps on his office door...and when a young man answers, she haughtily tells him she'd like to report a very rude man. The young man rolls his eyes disdainfully before also shutting the door in her face.
Charlotte complains to Harry about the rabbi's rudeness, and Harry explains that rabbis typically turn down Jewish wannabes three times in order to make extra sure they're really serious (which Charlotte clearly is not if all she wants out of Judaism is marriage to the guy she enjoys getting boned by). Charlotte looks intrigued as she mulls that over, then says it sounds like he's a Rules Rabbi. She credits herself for inventing the Rules head game, pompously declares, "No man rejects Charlotte York!" ... then plops herself on Harry's lap, and the two start going at it.
Just as Miranda is preparing to spend the evening with TiVo, Magda sheepishly enters the living room to confess to doing something bad to the TiVo remote. Miranda looks aghast...and when she turns on the TiVo, she's horrified to see that her favorite programs have all been deleted. She panics about missing the pivotal post-coital Morning After episode following Jules's and Mimi's first doink, which...egads! It's really a shame for her that Netflix didn't exist back in 2003.
Jack phones Carrie and makes a wry joke about being too busy lately to get to a phone...and Carrie giggles at his relentlessly wry wit, musing again about how great they are while bantering over the phone. She invites him over for a booty call...and in the next scene, Jack is atop her, and the sex is as quiet and awkward as it was the first time.
While lingerie shopping, Samantha advises Carrie to dump Jack like yesterday's news asap - but Carrie wonders if, considering their advancing age and skankiness, they can really afford to be so choosy and "jump to the dump" (they cannot). Samantha, who's always been stubbornly in denial about that glaring reality, cackles about her intention to bump uglies with the Raw waiter and instructs the perky lingerie saleswoman to find her an outfit that will make a man "come in his pants as soon as he sees me" ... and the saleswoman's like, "I'm on it" and rushes off to peruse the store's inventory of streetwalker undergarments. Carrie moans about how she wants to have a discussion with Jack about what giant duds they are in bed, but Samantha advises against it and tells her to instead turn up the heat by buying slutty lingerie with matching furry slippers.
A despondent Miranda is yelling at the TiVo technician over the phone. She pauses to compose herself, apologize for her outburst, then calmly explains that she currently has no life outside of working and watching naughty BBC shows on her TiVo device.
Carrie is out to dinner with Jack and proudly showcases her cleavage bearing dress. When he just stares back at her blankly, she quickly orders a round of margaritas to loosen things up, then re-thrusts her cleavage at him.
Charlotte makes a house call to the rabbi with a bottle of kosher wine, but he shuts the door in her face again. When she knocks again, the rabbi's wife answers...and Charlotte bursts in and wails that she's in love with a Jewish man and doesn't have time to play Rules games. She's startled when she looks around and realizes that the rabbi and his rather large family were about to start their Friday night service...and the rabbi wearily tells Charlotte her to shut up, sit down, and hopefully learn something by watching them as they do their singing, praying, and whatnot.
Samantha and a legion of horny women are at Raw, salivating over the hot waiter.
Miranda arrives home and finds Steve hanging with Brady. Steve mentions that the TiVo technician had to reschedule - so he tooled around with the machine and managed to get it working again. Miranda's all, "Wuh?" then turns on the TiVo and squeals happily when her favorite programs show up in the queue. She blurts out, "I love you!" then blushes and stammers, "Uh...I mean for fixing that." Steve says that Magda told him it was important he do everything humanly possible to retrieve the afterglow episode of Jules & Mimi, then announces that he has "a dinner thing" and heads out, leaving Miranda staring after him wistfully.
Four hours later, Samantha is still at Raw, patiently waiting out the other horny women. When the waiter politely declines showing an interest in any of them, they throw in the napkin one by one and head out - until just Samantha and a mannish looking woman are left. Samantha decides to speed this pathetic storyline along...so she struts over to her competitor and offers to pay for her check if she'll leave the coast clear for her to bag the hot waiter. The woman looks Samantha over, decides she couldn't possibly compete with her one-night-stand brand of skankitude, and agrees to call it a night.
A drunk Carrie and Jack arrive at her apartment and stagger around. Carrie shows off her cleavage again, then tells Jack to get ready for some sexy time. She shows him the furry slippers she bought at the lingerie store...but falls over while trying to put them on. Jack mumbles, "Are you OK?" then flops onto her bed and passes out.
Samantha and Smith go at it in every position imaginable - at one point atop a chair atop her bed...instead of just boning in the chair where it normally sits. During some post-coital canoodling, Smith says he has a secret, then reveals he was more than ready to go home with her the first night they met. She's all, "Ack! I ate a fucking cactus!" then orders him to make it up to her while shoving his face down to her nether regions. He's like, "Cool!" and eagerly gets to work on her well worn cooch.
Carrie wakes up to the noises of the M11 bus again...and when Jack, who's laying beside her fully clothed, wakes up, the two make a half-hearted effort to start going at it. After a few seconds of awkward thrusting, he snaps, "I suck! This is awful!" and Carrie buries her face in her hands and concurs. The two lament the awfulness of being such duds in the sack despite sparking every time they go to a restaurant, so then Jack suggests solving that problem by making the bed more like a restaurant. He dashes to the kitchen and brings back salt and pepper shakers while Carrie displays her furry slippers, which Jack pretends are a huge turn-on. After a few seconds, the two lunge at each other and go at it in earnest...and this time it looks as though the boring-as-fuck sex has magically metamorphosed into an orgasmic doinkfest- phew! - just in time for the end credits to roll.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!