Recap: Carrie has somehow overslept on the one day she actually has to be somewhere before noon: ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange...'cause, yeah, that's plausible. She bursts out of her apartment in her fancywear and stupid stilettos, climbs into the first available cab...and when traffic comes to a standstill, she throws money at the cabbie and runs over to the nearest subway station. Which she should have just done in the first place, 'cause as unrealistic as it is for Carrie to be able to earn a living writing raunch for a tabloid rag , she's still in the working class category of people and shouldn't be able to afford to take a fucking cab to get to everyplace she needs to get to in Manhattan. She makes it to the Stock Exchange in the nick of time, is ushered through the trading floor and onto the upper floor balcony, where she presses the opening bell and looks thoroughly delighted with herself for being NYSE's Chosen One for the day...which I found utterly, utterly nauseating.
The following day, the gals have lunch in the meat packing district. Samantha complains that lately New York has gotten too sanitary - e.g. no more smoking in bars - and huffily snarks, "What's next? No fucking in bars?" Carrie changes the subject to herself and gushes about her new man (Jack Berger) and and how excited she is about their date on Friday night. Charlotte cautions her to find out from the get-go what his bottom line is, then changes the subject to herself and sadly announces that Harry refuses to get serious about a woman unless she's a fellow Jew.
At dinner, Harry orders pork, prompting Charlotte to be all, "Wha-a-a-?" then comes out and tells him she doesn't get how he can be so lax about eating pork while insisting that his wife be Jewish. Harry acknowledges how contrived it is for the writers to have thrown this wrench into their budding romance just so they could have something resembling a Season 5 cliffhanger, then explains that he's been so transfixed by her since the moment they met, he couldn't not hit the sheets with her. He self-deprecatingly says he never dreamed that a goddess like her could ever fall for a putz like him...and Charlotte laughs and half-heartedly assures him he's not a putz.
Miranda is changing Brady when she accidentally smears some of his poop on her forehead. Steve points at it and laughs...and when she tries to wipe it off, she somehow gets even more of it across her forehead. Steve takes a wet nap and wipes the poop off of her...and Miranda gets a sudden urge to be playful and grabs the dirty wet nap and chases him into the living room with it. When she suddenly realizes they're having a lighthearted moment, she contorts her face into a sour expression, snaps,"It's not that fucking funny" then bitchily asks him if he has a life. Steve sadly retorts that he does have a life, then gives Brady a goodbye kiss before dejectedly shuffling out.
Miranda lugs Brady over to Carrie's apartment to announce that she's in love with Steve, and could she please get a stiff drink while she processes the ramifications of this snorefest of a revelation. Carrie chuckles and says she's known for awhile that she was in love with her baby daddy, but is surprised that she's willing to admit it. Miranda says that while she was chasing after Steve with a poopy wet nap last night, it dawned on her that they belong together...so naturally she picked a fight with him and threw him out of her apartment. When Carrie contorts her face in confusion, Miranda decides she should probably take Steve somewhere romantic and profess her sudden love for him.
As Samantha struts down the street towards her loft, she sees a man who looks like he just stepped off the cover of a Harlequin romance novel climb out of a black hummer and head towards her building. She screeches, "Hold the door!" and purringly explains that she also lives here. He introduces himself as Chip, and Samantha acts all flirtily seductive when she learns that he lives in the apartment directly above hers [insert predictably crass joke here about her being underneath him].
As Charlotte rides Harry's baloney pony, she asks him if "this Jewish thing" is really that big of a deal, and he's like, "Noooooo!" as he blows his wad. The following morning, Charlotte cuddles against Harry for some post-coital afterglow and tells him how happy he is that he changed his mind about caring that she's not Jewish...and when he's all, "Wha-a?" she reminds him that he agreed to this while they were bumping uglies last night. He bewilderedly says he can barely remember his own name when he's coming and accuses her of overt orgasmic manipulation. He explains that he once promised his mother he'd marry a Jew, 'cause apparently keeping up that tradition was super important to her...and Charlotte looks bummed, but then perks up when Harry tells her his mother is no longer among the living.
Carrie is screening her calls when Jack Berger calls and leaves a rambley message about their upcoming date that I'm sure the writers expect us to think is witty and fun instead of the world-weary, tedious way that Jack has already started to grate on me.
As Carrie lunches with the gals, she gabbles excitedly about her upcoming date with Jack. She squeals about how happy she is to be under the illusion that she and Jack are going to be a great couple...then says that by some strange coinkidink, she was also just asked out by a second gentleman caller. Charlotte urges her to accept the invitation so she doesn't put too much stock into her Berger date...and Carrie mulls that over and agrees to go on a coffee date with man #2.
Carrie is at home, typing out her weekly schlock so she can ponder aloud the similarities between dating and the stock market. She gives viewers something to chew on when she taps out 'when it comes to finance and dating, why do we keep investing?' then lets that notion whirl around her own head as she stares blankly into space.
Miranda calls Steve, using prepared notes to aid her while she leaves him a voicemail asking him out to dinner tomorrow night so she can confess something important.
Samantha delivers a welcome to the building basket filled with cheese, condoms, and handcuffs to Chip...and just happens to catch him after a shower when he has nothing but a towel loosely cinched around his perfectly muscled torso. He warns her that if he takes the basket from her there won't be anything holding up his towel...and Samantha coos, "I'm no fool" and gives him a suggestive once-over. Chip drops the towel and accepts the basket, and Samantha struts past him in search of the nearest mattress. A few minutes later, Chip rewards her for an awesome blow job with a hot stock tip, which she eagerly jots down.
Carrie meets her backup date, Willie Applegate, for coffee...and he's as awkward and dorky as awkward and dorky can be. The date goes from wretched to unsalvageable when a pigeon lands on Willie's head twice, and he reacts by having a shrieky freakout and knocking over the table and chairs. Oh the hilarity of physical comedy.
Carrie meets up with Charlotte at a supermarket and gives her a recap of her cartoonishly bad date with Willie. Charlotte's like, "That's nice" and gabbles about how Elizabeth Taylor converted to Judaism so she could marry Eddie Fisher. On her way to the checkout, she looks over the kosher section...and makes an icked out face at all the jars of weird looking food.
When Charlotte tells Harry the Elizabeth Taylor/Eddie Fisher conversion story, he perks up and asks her if she'd ever consider conversion. She asks him what's so special about being a Jew and says he's going to have to give her a reason she can relate to (pleasing his late mother doesn't count), so he says if they were to get married and have kids, he'd want them to be raised in the Jewish faith. Charlotte scrunches her face in distress and tells him she's reproductively challenged and that there's a strong possibility she might never bear children. Harry just shrugs unconcernedly, says he loves her, and that they could always adopt. Charlotte looks touched by the non-judgeyness she never got from Trey and gives him a big smooch.
Samantha is riding a handcuffed Chip while wearing her bra and panties...and I mentally added the last part of that visual to my list of most annoying TV tropes. A few seconds later, a stern-faced man in a trench coat is let into the apartment by Juan, the building manager. Trench Coat identifies himself as an FBI agent and tells Chip he's under arrest for insider trading...then asks Samantha to please unlock her sexy time handcuffs so he can cuff Chip with his real ones.
At dinner, Miranda tells Steve she wants to explain why she was being so bitchy to him the other day - but he interjects and says he's pretty sure it's 'cause he's been hanging around her apartment too much. He promises it won't happen as much anymore 'cause he has a new girlfriend, then happily says that things are going really well...and that Miranda can relax with the knowledge that he's no longer in love with her. Miranda's like, "Oh...good" then scrunches her face in a pained expression that Steve ignores or is somehow oblivious to.
Miranda meets up with Carrie in a park and brusquely tells her to ignore everything she said about being in love with Steve. Carrie points out that since they share a child, she should still have been honest with him regardless of his girlfriend news - but then has to put a pin in the conversation when she spots Jack Berger ambling along a nearby street. She's all, "Ack! I look like shit!" - and, yeesh, she's definitely not kidding about that. She looks like she put on her day clothes over a ratty white nightgown, then cinched a too-tight burgundy sweater above her waist with a button that looks like it's doing all it can to keep from popping off. In her effort to avoid running into Jack, she turns down a side street and runs right into - ack! - Aidan, who's standing with his back to her so we don't see the baby he's toting until he slowly turns around and dramatically reveals to viewers that he became a father since last we saw him. He smilingly says, "I have a baby", and Carrie cheekily retorts, "I have a date." Thanks for that dumb response. Aidan tells her he married a furniture designer like himself, and soon after the wedding they had little Tate. He invites Carrie to hang around and meet his wife so he can rub her face in how much he's upgraded since dumping her, but Carrie wisely declines and says she has to run. The two hug goodbye, agree it was good seeing each other again, and Carrie ambles off while Aidan stares after her - no doubt thinking how lucky he is to have dodged that horsey-faced bullet.
Carrie decides she's longer embarrassed by the atrocious get-up she left the house in that day and calls Jack on his cell. She tells him she's just outside a movie theater where the movie they had planned to see together is playing, and asks him if he's available. He tells her he is, that's he's nearby, and will meet up with her soon. A few seconds later, he saunters over to the theater and jokes about how he's not wearing the special outfit he picked out for their date...and Carrie chuckles knowingly as she gazes down at her ratty nightie-like top that Jack has somehow refrained from laughing at. The two amble inside to embark on their first official date, chatting and bantering excitedly.