Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how the more privileged Manhattanites have a second home in the country...and she's saying this as Aidan is showing her the before and after photos of his rustic Rockland County cabin. When Carrie refrains from pointing out that the photos look nearly identical, he acknowledges that you really have to be there in person to appreciate it. He invites her to come up with him next week, and she pretends to look disappointed when she declines 'cause of a meeting she has with her editor. Aidan's like, "No problem!" and tells her that the cabin is a mere forty minute train ride from Manhattan...which means she can zip back to the city for her meeting, then come right back to Hicksville. He giddily dances with joy, then lapses into a fake southern twang as he do-si-dos and sings, "You're comin' to the country with meeee!"
A few seconds later, Miranda drops by and tells Aidan that Steve still has her listed as his in-case-of-emergency person with his insurance company and huffily says, "He needs to update that whole file." Aidan tells her that Steve has some stuff he wants to talk to her about, and she snidely retorts, "What? That he wants to start seeing me again? That he can't stop thinking about me? That he's still in love with me?" and Aidan wryly informs her that Steve has testicular cancer and probably just needs a friend to talk to. Miranda looks suitably sheepish and mutters, "That I'm a horrible, selfish bitch?" - well d'yuh - and puts her stricken face on.
Charlotte is atop the bed performing pelvic fertility exercises when Trey enters the room, likes what he sees, and mounts her. She warns him that she's not scheduled to ovulate for another five days...and that she'd rather he conserve his sperm so that it'll be at its most potent on Ovulation Day. Trey reminds her that they're going to be in Connecticut on Saturday for Bunny's orchid show...and Charlotte shrugs and says they're just going to have to have sex under his mother's roof. Trey decides he can get into that action, and the two engage in some light smooching.
Miranda and Steve meet up in a park, and she peppers him with questions about the status of his diseased testicle. When he doesn't seem to have much in the way of information or knowledge of any kind of treatment plan in the works, she tells him she asked around at her firm and got the name of a specialist. Steve says he already has a doctor and that testicular cancer isn't such a big deal 'cause it's practically trendy nowadays - and a fed up Miranda screams, "It is a big fucking deal!" and says if he doesn't take his illness seriously, the cancer will start to spread and he will die. Steve stares back at her with a hurt, tearful expression on his face.
At brunch, a sheepish Miranda tells the gals she yelled at Steve and made him cry, but Samantha applauds her for giving him the kick in the ass he needed in order to properly deal with his cancer. Carrie tries to convince the gals that they could all use a relaxing weekend at Aidan's "country house" - but Samantha makes a blech face and says she's not remotely interested, Miranda claims she needs to stay in town to make Steve feel bad about himself, and Charlotte says that she and Trey will be bumping uglies while stuck at Bunny's Connecticut compound for the weekend. Samantha rhetorically asks whaddup with all the men she's been doinking lately asking her what she's doing on the weekend...then explains that her weekends are for meeting new guys so that she doesn't "have to keep fucking the old ones". I can't help but wonder why this old whore never worries about all the various STDs she could get...or, scarier yet, luring the wrong kind of dude up to her loft. Would it not be a fitting end to her life if some closet psychopath bludgeoned her to death after getting enraged over her no fucking on any upcoming weekend policy? Carrie whines about being "a hick town hostage", then decides she'll give the country a half-hearted effort for Aidan's sake...and this prompts a derisive eye roll from Miranda, who doesn't believe in compromise of any kind. She asks Carrie what hick town she's about to become a hostage of, and Carrie looks shamefaced and calls it "too awful for words", then tells them it's Suffern. The four cackle as Miranda mockingly advises her to "take some Buffern to Suffern".
Aidan, Carrie, and Pete arrive in Suffern in Aidan's pick-up truck...and Carrie looks dismayed by the dilapidated state of the cabin. She totters around in her stilettos as she drags her designer suitcase up the wooden steps and into the cabin...'cause why be practical and put on a pair of fucking flats for a change and transport a couple of pairs of t-shirts and jeans in a simple overnight bag? Aidan proudly tells her he just installed a new water heater...then pauses and asks her if she finds the place as scary as she thought she would. She nervously chortles and fake exclaims, "God no!" but then voice-overs that it was far scarier, and that she'd much rather be out cocktailing or sale-ing. When a squirrel suddenly appears on the window sill, Carrie acts as if she's never seen any of the hundreds of squirrels that regularly roam Central Park and screams bloody murder. Aidan comes running over, gives her a funny look when he sees what she's screaming about, then explains that this is his squirrel, and that he's been trying to coax it over with nuts so that it'll be more friendly. Carrie snarkishly retorts that a squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.
After a quick doink, Aidan falls asleep at 8:30pm, leaving a restless Carrie wandering around the cabin. She makes herself a few too many Vodka Kool-Aids and uses the time to tap out her weekly nonsense. As she irritably swats at mosquitoes, she ponders whether relationships are a series of compromises, and can't help but wonder: in a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising? All I know, Carrie, is that the sooner you cut Aidan loose, the sooner he can start shopping around for a woman who would actually appreciate and deserve his sweet kindness.
Samantha has just wrapped up a bump and grind session with her latest hookup when the guy asks her what she's doing next weekend. She rolls her eyes in disgust, springs out of the bed, and throws his clothes at him. He just stares back at her in confusion, 'cause I guess she didn't make it clear that her interest in him wasn't going to extend past a one time fuckfest.
Steve is hanging with Miranda at her apartment, watching TV and eating Chinese takeout. Steve complains that he's getting creeped out by how uncharacteristically sweet she's being to him, e.g. offering him the last spring roll when she has a history of scarfing them all down herself. She explains that she's feeling very guilty and sheepish for bitching at him in the park...so he informs her that after that bitch-slapping, he went and called the specialist she recommended - which means that he now has a doctor who knows what he's doing, an operation scheduled, and insurance that's going to pay for it. He grins at her and adds, "So thank you for being a huge bitch."
Bunny gives Charlotte a tour of her greenhouse to proudly show off her prize-winning orchids. They are very lush and pretty, I'll give her that. Charlotte does her best to feign interest in the flowers as she periodically checks her watch. Bunny hands her a repotted orchid and pronounces that it's a gift for her - like the gift she's about to give the MacDougals. Which I'll take to mean that Trey blabbed to his mother about their baby making efforts.
Carrie is driving Aidan's pick-up truck to a fast food drive-thru while talking on her cell to Charlotte. She complains about the torture of having to spend any amount of time in Hicksville, while Charlotte complains that Bunny has already picked out names and private schools for hers and Trey's non-existent child.
Carrie decides to give her country getaway a chance, so she changes into a pair of overalls and offers to help Aidan with whatever he's puttering around with. He decides it's the perfect time for the two of them to transport railroad ties over to a mud hole...and we get to watch Carrie be all "fish out of water" as she repeatedly falls backwards into the mud and gets her clothes and hair all filthy. Once the hijinks have run their course, Carrie throws in the towel on giving Suffern a chance and tells Aidan she has to head back to the city for her editor's meeting.
Four hours later, Carrie is in a swanky Manhattan restaurant with Big, enjoying a steak dinner. She bitches and moans about having to spend time in the country despite how much she loooooves Aidan - then pauses and asks Big if it's OK to talk about this stuff. He shrugs and tells her that he too has met someone...but that she has to keep it on the down low 'cause the someone is actress Willow Summers. Apparently, he met her at a movie premiere, went out for drinks, then back to her hotel room for a romp. He starts to elaborate by saying, "The dress came off" - but Carrie stops him 'cause deep inside she still can't stand the thought of him bedding a woman who's not her. Big says he can't get Willow out of his head, and is giddy about how crazy she is about him. He solemnly says, "There's something here...a connection" and that he's pretty sure it's love.
After dinner, Carrie looks deep in thought as she wanders the streets of Manhattan in her ultra short skirt...which has some kind of strange looking tail sewn on the back of it - no doubt inspired by the fluffy white balls the Playboy Bunnies used to wear on the rump of their bodysuits.
Carrie has somehow roped Samantha into coming to Suffern with her so she can keep her company while she tries her hand at baking a pie. Samantha looks as bored as possible while fanning herself and complaining about the oppressive heat. She grumbles about what a dump the cabin is just as Aidan enters the room - which would have been awkward if Samantha had any ability to feel embarrassment - then looks out the window and is intrigued by the sight of a sexy, shirtless farmer riding around on a tractor. When she saucily asks, "Who's the farmer with the delts?" Aidan tells her his name is Luke Gilmore, and that he moved to Suffern shortly after the last market crash. Samantha fashions a crop top out of the loud pink blouse she's wearing, grabs a measuring cup from Carrie, and tells her they're going to need some milk for their pie.
Samantha coos, "Yoo hoo!" as she sashays into Luke's barn...and he stares at her quizzically and asks her if she's lost. She explains that she's from next door and was wondering if she could get some milk for her pie, so Luke motions at one of his cows, says, "Help yourself", and watches in amusement. Samantha totters over to the cow in her stupid high heels and seats herself on a tiny milking stool. She checks out the mammary glands on the cow's udder and cheekily remarks that something tells her she'd be very good at squeezing and rolling those dick-like appendages. On her first try she gets squirted in the face, then "jokes" about how she usually gets a little warning before that happens. The two ogle each other and look horned up enough to strip down and start going at it in the barn (spoiler alert).
Charlotte races up to the guest room and bellows at Trey (who's soaking in the tub) that she's about to ovulate. She barks, "Get in this bed and make love to me right now!" then bursts into the bathroom and is all, "Ack!!" when she finds Bunny sitting beside the tub, chatting with Trey while puffing on a cigarette. She tells Charlotte she was just telling her son how much she reminds her of herself at a young age...and Charlotte just stares at the disturbing sight with an expression of weirded out bewilderment.
Trey finds Charlotte milling around the greenhouse amid the orchids...and when she remarks on the weirdness of the bathroom scene she just walked in on, he explains that he was raised by his nanny and that the only time Bunny ever carved out time for him in her busy schedule of socializing and tennis matches was during bath time. Sounds like she was a pretty shit mother. Charlotte's watch alarm suddenly goes off...and when she tells him she's ovulating, the two decide to go at it right then and there and accidentally destroy a few of Bunny's prize winning orchids in the process.
Miranda is sitting at Steve's bedside when he wakes up from his operation. She tells him she spoke with the doctor, and that he told her everything "looks good down there" to which she jokingly replied she'd seen better. A nurse pokes her head in the room and tells Miranda she has to leave, but she refuses and haughtily informs her that she's Steve's in-case-of-emergency person. The nurse says she can stay for twenty more minutes, but after that visiting hours are over.
Over in the barn, Samantha is riding Luke as she loudly moans. The two climax at exactly the same time, then collapse on some hay. A satiated Luke asks her what she's doing next weekend, and she glares at him in disgust and storms off like the bizarre weirdo she is.
Carrie takes her pie crust out of the oven and proudly tells Aidan that they just need to peel some apples - but Aidan tells her she's on her own with that 'cause he needs to shower. A few seconds later, his pet squirrel makes a second appearance on the window sill...and once again Carrie screams bloody murder and drops the pie crust onto the floor, squealing from the pain of the hot pan burning her legs. She starts railing about how much she hates the cabin and doesn't belong in the country, while Aidan calmly applies ice to the burned parts of her legs and refrains from calling her out on her obnoxious bitchitude and contemplating what a soul-sucking relationship this is probably going to turn out to be in the long run. When she finally simmers down, she contritely apologizes for acting like such a big baby....and poutishly says she doesn't hate the cabin, just the squirrel. She agrees to compromise by spending just weekends at the cabin...and Aidan is agreeable to that, and the two start kissing and then going at it atop the kitchen counter.
Upon returning to civilization, Carrie and Samantha get fresh apple pies at McDonalds and then amble along the street. Carrie says she hates the country a little less than she did before - now that she's not expected to spend all of her time there. Also, Aidan agreed to install an air conditioner so that he'd no longer have to listen to her incessant bitching and moaning about the place being too hot.
Just run, Aidan. Run far and fast.
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