Sex and the City - Season 4, Episode 8

"Looks like her shittastic writing finally broke the computer."

"My Motherboard, My Self"
Original airdate: 7/15/2001

Episode summary: Miranda's mother dies of a sudden heart attack. Carrie is devastated when her computer crashes and takes all of her shittastic columns with it. Samantha temporarily loses her orgasm.

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Recap: One "frazzled Friday", the gigolas meet up for lunch in a park, and we get to watch each of them arrive from their various corners of Manhattan. Carrie is decked out in one of Pat Field's stupider concoctions that she was no doubt trying to pass off as groundbreaking urban fashion: a tube top and scarily short shorts, a long overcoat, and a newsboy cap. Samantha gets distracted by a street vendor who's selling booklets that feature illustrations of 1001 sexual positions. Once the four converge in the park, they feast on the gourmet sandwiches that Charlotte brought - now that she's unemployed and has all kinds of time to make gourmet sandwiches for her friends - and get caught up on their lives. Miranda says that her life has been work work work, and Au Bon Pain, while Carrie's has been Aidan Aidan Aidan, and a pimple. Charlotte reports that redecorating the luxury apartment she's now lounging around in full time has been very stressful, not least 'cause there are over forty different kinds of dimmers. Egads! When Carrie accidentally drops her keys on the ground, Miranda picks them up and laughs at the large ring and jokes about them resembling janitor's keys. Carrie explains that she and Aidan exchanged house keys, and that it takes seven keys to get inside Aidan's building...which sounds like some made-up-for-no-reason bullshit, since any New York apartment I ever lived in [I was once a resident of the lovely borough of Queens] at most required three keys: front door, bottom lock, top deadbolt. Samantha shows the gals the 1001 Sexual Positions booklet that she bought on the corner for $1.50 and cackles, "I love this city!" She over-shares that Nick, the wrestling coach she's doinking this episode, is like an extra-strength rubber band and can contort his body into a lot of the implausible positions illustrated in her booklet. And I have no doubt we'll soon get an eyeful of the disturbing spectacle.

Carrie returns home to find Aidan listening to the oldies and cooking fajitas on his George Foreman grill. She jokingly accuses him of deflowering her kitchen, since it's not generally used to actually cook anything, then reaches into his pant pockets to fondle his balls. Aidan quickly gets turned on, and the two start going at it on the floor...which, blech, Aidan. Blech.

Later, Carrie is tapping out her weekly raunch when Aidan suddenly looms over her shoulder and starts reading aloud her 'I couldn't help but wonder' nonsense. She quickly covers her monitor and tells him it's not finished yet - when suddenly her computer makes a strange noise as a system error pops onto the screen. She's all, "OMG! Why is this happeninnnnnng?" so Aidan taps on the keyboard in an effort to reboot the thing...but then a sad Mac face appears before the screen goes blank altogether. Carrie stares at her dead laptop in horrified bewilderment, while Aidan's like, "Weird. That always works for me." When he starts indiscriminately tapping at keys again, Carrie snaps at him to stop, then moves the computer away from him so his fingers can't reach the keyboard.  

"I couldn't help but wonder everything there is to wonder about penises and vaginas."

"Have you ever considered wondering about something other than sex 24/7?."

Carrie bundles her computer in a purple pashmina scarf and rushes it over to the local computer repair shop. When her number is called, she babbles at the technician, Daily Show alum Aasif Mandvi, about how the computer went dead after Aidan tapped on some keys. When Aidan explains that he pressed ctrl alt del, Aasif says that that only works on PCs, then wryly adds, "You're not compatible." Heh. He asks Carrie how often she backs up her work, but she just stares at him blankly, says, "I don't do that", and describes the tiny sad face graphic that appeared on her screen just before it went blank. Aasif chides her for sad Mac'ing her computer, which could signal a problem with the motherboard or mean it has some bad RAM. He says he'll keep her laptop for a few days, run some tests and call her if he finds anything, then screeches, "Next!" 

Carrie gets on a pay phone to call Miranda on her cell and moan about how she might have just lost every piece of raunch she's ever written. Sounds like a public service. Thank you, laptop. When Carrie finally gets around to asking Miranda what she's up to, she tells her she's at a hospital in Philadelphia 'cause her mother had a heart attack last night. Carrie's like, "OMG!" and chides her for letting her yammer on and on about her stupid computer. She offers to hop on a train and keep her company - but Miranda tells her to hold off on that for now and insists that everything's A-OK.

Charlotte, meanwhile, is enjoying a quiet afternoon in her Park Avenue penthouse, tracking her monthlies and adjusting then re-adjusting the dimmer that's wired to the chandelier in her dining room. Carrie voice-overs how pleased Charlotte was with herself for becoming a "bona fide dimmer expert" ... even though the electrician who installed the thing would be the actual bona fide dimmer expert.

Samantha is having a sexy wrestling match with Nick, and both are decked out in blue spandex wrestling leotards. At one point, Nick throws Samantha onto the mat and thrusts his pelvis against her crotch until she screeches in ecstasy...and Carrie voice-overs, "One half-Nelson, one full orgasm." I call horseshit on that one, since the two are still fully dressed in their blue leotards with their genitals still securely tucked in the spandex. For shame, writers. That seemed very network TV-ish considering that that was a sex scene on an HBO show.

Miranda calls Carrie the next morning to tell her her mom died last night...and that, sadly, she started crashing after all the family members had unwittingly gone home for the night. She says the funeral is scheduled for Tuesday...and when Carrie offers to go to her apartment and get her something to wear, Miranda tells her not to bother 'cause she's just going to buy a shitty black dress she'll never wear again. When Carrie gets off the phone she tells Aidan whassup, and he says he'd like to attend the funeral to pay his respects. Carrie ambles over to her bathroom while mumbling, "You don't have to go...I don't really know.." leaving Aidan staring into space with a crestfallen look on his face. 

Carrie meets up with Charlotte and Samantha at a diner and breaks the sad news about Mrs. Hobbes. She gets all teary and moans about how she doesn't think she said the right things to Miranda, and that she sounded so sad and alone. Charlotte ponders aloud if they should buy flowers, a fruit basket, or muffins - while Samantha stares despondently into space at the prospect of sitting through brunch without a side of tacky sex talk. When Carrie asks her if she's OK, she brightens and replies, "I'm fine. I'm just hungry."

"Something tragic has happened to one of our own: Miranda's mother died of a heart attack."

"Ack! Did we just enter very special episode territory?"

Charlotte is overseeing the cellophane wrapping of a giant gift basket for Miranda while chatting on the phone to Samantha about their travel plans to Philadelphia. Samantha scrunches her face in disdain and says she didn't realize they were giving flowers and attending the funeral...and Charlotte's like, "Well duh" and urges her again to call Miranda to express her condolences. Samantha whines that she doesn't know what to say to her...then hangs up, dials Nick's number, and saucily asks, "Wanna wrestle?"

We get a disturbing montage of Samantha and Nick bumping uglies every which way...and it seems to go on for an interminably loooong time before it comes to a climax-less end for Samantha. Eventually she's forced to throw in the towel when Nick says he has to get to the cleaner's by 5pm [to get himself deloused].

Charlotte tells the local florist she needs to order a tasteful funeral wreath from their Philadelphia location, then snaps, "I don't want any crap!" ... and the saleswoman somehow refrains from telling her where she can shove her bitchitude. Samantha can't bring herself to get interested in the funeral arrangements of the mother of one of her BFFs and whines to Carrie and Charlotte that she just spent the last two hours "fucking with no finale". I don't say this lightly, but this has to be a new low in the old whore's sex-centric shallowness and soulless void of human empathy. Charlotte tells her she once heard a [made up] story about a woman who had orgasms all her life - but then one day they stopped for good, as if she had used them all up or something. Samantha shoots her the stink-eye and wails that that's the meanest thing she's ever said to her.

"I can't mourn for our friend's deceased mother 'cause my orgasm is MIA."

"This is a new level of shallow, even for you."

Miranda is at a department store, shopping for a shitty black bra to go with her shitty black funeral dress. A saleswoman named Lucille spots her browsing the racks, forcibly measures her bust, and tells her she's a 34B - not a 36A. While Miranda is in the fitting room trying on the 34B, Lucille asks her how everything is going, then barges in and starts adjusting her bra straps. Miranda snaps at her for her hands-on fussing...and when the woman assures her she's not being fresh and insists that she knows best, Miranda gets all in her face and shrieks, "I think that I know what's best for me!" but then immediately breaks down 'cause, as Carrie voice-overs, she just realized that she's never going to be able to spar with her mother this way ever again. She tearfully tells Lucille about her mom's death, apologizes for her bitchitude, and the two strangers hug it out.

When Carrie arrives home, Aidan presents her with a new Macbook and zip drive so she can start backing up her work. Instead of being appreciative of her kind boyfriend's thoughtfulness and generosity (that Carrie in no way deserves), she looks peeved and dismissively says she doesn't know how to use a zip drive (and has no interest in learning, apparently) and that she has her own system, which I guess is losing all of her work every time her computer crashes. She snappishly tells him she's not ready for a new computer 'cause she's still waiting to hear back about the old one, then wails, "My whole liiiife was on that computer!!" Aidan gets so irked about getting continually shut out of her life that he removes her house keys from his key chain, slams them on the table, and storms out. Hurray! Run fast and far, Aidan!  

Samantha's in the bathtub, desperately trying to get herself off...but when her efforts aren't fruitful, she tries an assortment of dildos. Charlotte calls her during her quest for clitoral relief to ask her if she called Miranda yet, and she snappishly retorts that she doesn't want to bother [giving any comfort to] her grieving friend, then reminds her that she had announced that she'd be masturbating all day. By nightfall, Samantha "called off the search party" and gave up on her missing orgasm...and there's no shit small enough that I could possibly give about her "predicament".

Carrie returns to the computer repair place to pick up her laptop. Aasif shows her what he was able to recover...which is just a screen filled with gobbly-gook. He says he can replace her motherboard, and advises her to start backing up her weekly raunch.

Carrie calls Aidan as she's about to leave for Philadelphia. She apologizes for her cunty 'tude this episode, and lamely explains that she's afraid of getting too used to relying on him for stuff, which would suck if things between them fall apart...which they inevitably do 'cause of his trust issues and whatnot. Aidan just breezily jokes that if they split, they'd be a couple of sad Macs.

The gals arrive at the church in Philadelphia...and when Samantha gets brazenly checked out by a couple of mulleted uggos, she derisively grumbles, "I'm not going to find my orgasm in this town." The family of the deceased arrives in a small caravan of cars, and Miranda comes over to assure the gals she's fine...except that everyone is freaking out about the fact that a thirty-five year old, unmarried woman will be walking alone behind her mother's casket after the service. Seems unlikely that that would actually be on anyone's radar at this sad time, but OK. Charlotte, meanwhile, is horrified when she sees the wreath she ordered 'cause of its tacky ginormousness. 

During the service, Charlotte continues to stew about the tacky wreath while the minister has problems keeping the names of the deceased family straight. When Samantha looks around in bewilderment at all the crying mourners around her, she too gets teary. She locks eyes with Miranda and mouths I'm sorry, and Miranda mouths thank you.

During the sad walk down the aisle after the service, Miranda breaks down and starts sobbing. Carrie rushes over to her and clutches her hand so she's not alone in the aisle...which was uncharacteristically thoughtful of her and, I'll grant, a little touching. Miranda is visibly touched when she sees Steve and Aidan, who also travelled from Manhattan to pay their respects. Samantha, meanwhile, has finally let the floodgates of her emotions break wide open and is sobbing in Charlotte's arms.

Carrie is in her apartment, typing up her column - but this time she's got a zip drive to back up her shittastic columns. Oh joy. She voice-overs about how "shit happens" in life, and that a zip drive can provide comfort...as can a boyfriend, if you can learn to not to treat him like a dead insect on the heel of your Manolos.

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