Recap: Miranda kisses Fatty goodbye and exits her bedroom...then tiptoes past the living room, where Steve is curled up on the couch with his adorable puppy. The puppy wakes up and makes cute little mewling noises at Miranda, and she tries to shush him so he doesn't wake Steve...but a few seconds later, Steve stirs and is all, "Ack!" when sees Miranda looming in the doorway. He apologizes for taking so long to find an apartment, but says he has a lead on a place. He asks her if it would be weird for her to go with him to look at it...and she mulls that over for a few seconds and decides she'd be totes fine with that.
Carrie and Aidan are working a booth at the annual Furniture Designer's Showcase...and Carrie has dressed herself in a diaphanous white blouse with a bright pink bra underneath, 'cause she seems to really like showing off her bra or bra straps, regardless of how dumb it looks with her weird outfits. She sassily tells Aidan, "I'm like your roadie" - but he points out that since he only has a booth, she's more his booth bitch, and Carrie cackles, "Yeahhhh...I'm your booth bitch" and gives him a big smooch. Aidan says he's off to get coffee, and Carrie quips a few more times about how she's his booth bitch in case we missed the hilarity of the faux job title the first three times. Fuuuuuuuuck. A few seconds later, she spots Big and Natasha heading toward her. She drops to the floor and hides behind Aidan's display furniture, 'cause why not be unnecessarily over-dramatic instead of just pleasantly saying hello to the couple like a normal person might? She overhears Natasha call Aidan's furniture "clunky and oppressive" just as Big spots Carrie hunched on the floor...and when she sees him looming over her with a WTF expression on his face, she pretends she was on all fours to polish the back of the desk. She explains that this is her boyfriend's booth, and - OMFG no - adds, "I'm his booth bitch." Natasha raises her eyebrows perplexedly while Carrie mutters it's an inside joke [that, in the span of a few short minutes, has been obnoxiously overplayed by the writers]. Natasha politely says that Aidan's pieces are fantastic - just not their style - and Big makes a face and mockingly adds, "We only like teeny tiny furniture." Aidan, meanwhile, returns with two cups of coffee and hands one to Carrie and gives her a quizzical look. She tells him she was just chattin' with her friends...but the introductions go awry when she accidentally spills coffee on Big's crotch before she has a chance to reveal his first name to viewers. It's unclear why the writers took such great pains to keep a boring first name like John a state secret until the series finale, but OK. I guess they thought referring to him as Mr. Big for six seasons was clever and fun. As Big and Natasha scurry off to find cold water to soothe Big's scalded nutsack, Aidan remarks, "They seem nice" and asks Carrie how she knows them. She mutters, "Oh, from around...like a hundred years ago" then clings onto Aidan from behind as if he's a life preserver.
Two hours later, a drunk looking Big returns to the booth and spouts sarcastic jokes about Aidan being like Daniel Boone, then bitches about how Natasha only likes beige furniture. He growls, "Beige is bullshit" and Carrie retorts, "I thought you wanted beige", and Big replies, "It doesn't quite fit." When he tries to bum a smoke, she shrugs and tells him she quit, and adds that they used to do a lot of unhealthy shit together. Like be in a relationship when one of them is scarily needy and the other is largely indifferent. Big says he has a secret to tell her, then rolls up the brochure he's carrying and bellows through it like it's a blowhorn: "It's not working. I'm getting out." He then shoots her a creepish stare and adds, "If you know anyone who's interested." Carrie pretends to be completely unaffected by the news and says he should keep that to himself 'cause no one here is interested in that information...and by no one here is interested in that information, she means she's doing her best to pretend she's not totally intrigued, jubilant, and positively giddy about the idea of him jumping back into the dating pool! Wheeeee!
The camera cuts to Carrie announcing to the gigolas, "Big's leaving his wife" ... and they're all, "Wha-a?!" and demand to hear the deets. When Carrie recounts what happened at the Designer's Showcase, Samantha declares, "You won" and explains that everyone who's ever been broken up with automatically enters the Who Will Die Miserable? contest. Charlotte reminds Carrie that he's still a married man, and Carrie breezily assures the gals she has no intention of doing anything 'cause she has a great boyfriend [who she'll have no problem cheating on] and isn't insane [she is a brazen nutjob]. She then picks up her menu and pretends to be engrossed in the various food options. When Charlotte remarks that Big and Natasha have only been married for seven months, Miranda sternly says it should serve as a warning for people who jump into a relationship too quickly. LOL, subtle. Charlotte pouts and insists that she and Trey are nothing like Big and Natasha 'cause they really love each other. She excitedly tells the gals she's meeting Trey's mother this weekend...and if all goes well, he's this close to proposing! Miranda looks aghast and cries, "You just met!" and Charlotte shrugs and says it's not logical, reasonable, or sensible: it's looooove. Miranda rolls her eyes at the nitwit and goes, "Whatever" while Samantha turns to Carrie and asks, "So...how did he look?" Carrie blushingly chortles.
Steve brings Miranda along to view the apartment, and it's a grisly, dungeon-style basement studio. Miranda pulls Steve aside, calls it "the doorway to hell", and says there has to be a better apartment out there.
Carrie is at home, tapping out her column and nattering about the difference between what people know and what they feel...and it leads to the question du jour she's throwing out for Sex and the City viewers to chew on: when it comes to relationships, is it smarter to follow your heart or your head?
Charlotte and Trey are having drinks with Bunny, the MacDougal matriarch. Bunny shows Charlotte photos of Trey as a young man, then nods approvingly when Charlotte tells her she plays tennis. When Trey orders a stiff drink, Bunny places a restraining hand on his arm and suggests he order red wine instead 'cause it's better for the heart [a stupid myth: alcohol is not good for the heart...but I digress], and Trey obediently nods and chirps, "All righty" and promptly changes his order. Bunny then asks where he and Charlotte are planning to dine this evening, and when Trey names a snooty Midtown restaurant, she puts her hand back on his forearm, makes a blech face, and says she was there last week and ate some disappointing crab and endured a rude host. She suggests a different restaurant, and Trey nods and agreeably says, "All righty." Charlotte quietly takes all this in, somehow intrigued by her boyfriend's spinelessness when dealing with his overbearing mother...and the wheels begin to turn in her marriage obsessed head.
Samantha is blowing her latest hookup, a film editor named Adam. He explodes in her mouth and raves about her superb head-giving abilities...but when the camera pans down to his groin area, Samantha is contorting her face in an eww gross! expression.
At brunch the next day, Samantha matter-of-factly declares, "I'm dating a guy with the funkiest tasting spunk" ... and the camera pans from one gal to another as they each stare at each other in mute bewilderment at the icky TMI. Charlotte, who has decided that their raunch-filled conversations have finally gone a bridge too far for her sensibilities, grabs her purse and stomps out of the diner. Samantha apologizes for her usual crassness, then wails, "Who else can I talk to about this?!" and Carrie's like, "Might I suggest no one?" Samantha's like, "Yeah right" and proceeds to describe Adam's jizz as "asparagus gone bad mixed with Clorox" - yikes! - then wonders if his putrid spunk could be due to poor nutrition. She says she has absolutely no idea how she's going to fake her enjoyment of the foul tasting bodily fluids that squirt out of this man...and Miranda's like, "How about: just don't blow the guy anymore??" Samantha scrunches her face in wonderment and coos, "I never even thought of that."
Miranda returns home, hit play on her answering machine, and looks put out as she listens to a message that a smitten sounding woman left for Steve.
Carrie, meanwhile, comes home to a phone message from Big, who says he needs to talk to her about the other day. No you don't. Stop calling. You were never into Carrie even when you were dating her...remember?? She re-plays the message six times...and like the annoyingly Big-obsessed turd she is, summons Miranda to her place STAT! so the two can analyze it further. She exclaims, "He wants to get back together!" and a disinterested Miranda says they could analyze the dumb call all day and never know for sure...then says it's glaringly obvious what she wants to do about it.
After Miranda leaves, Carrie decides she can't stand the uncertainty of Big's intentions a moment longer and calls the idiot oaf, who's being chauffeured around Manhattan in his black car. As Carrie clutches the phone and scrunches her face in hopeful anticipation, he tells her he thought about ending his marriage, but then realized it's going to cost him a lot and figures he should just lie in the bed he made. Weird, I would have figured he'd have asked Natasha to sign a prenup. A crestfallen Carrie snaps, "You do that!" and slams the phone down. Haha!
Aidan and Carrie are laying in her bed, and Aidan is staring up at the cracks in her ceiling. He remarks how run-down the apartment is and suggests it could use a little work. He offers to strip her floors and promises it'll only take one day...and when she happily takes him up on it, he coos, "A special lady needs a special home." Carrie leaps atop him and the two start going at it.
Samantha takes Adam to an organic restaurant and orders wheat grass shots in an effort to see if it'll improve the taste of his spunk. Afterwards, the two head back to his place, where Samantha blows him - but, unfortunately, his wad tastes just as funky as it did before.
Charlotte and Trey are out for dinner...and Charlotte tries to wield her own brand of Bunny-esque power when Trey orders a salad. She places her hand on his arm and urges him to instead try the tomato basil, and he chirps, "All righty", then tells her she got a very positive rating from his mother. He then stares at her intensely and softly says, "Charlotte.." and she stares back, clearly itching to blurt out, "YES YES YES!! Of course I'll marry you!!" - but at that moment the waitress interrupts the moment to deliver the plate of tomato basil. After Trey takes a few bites, he credits her with always being able to anticipate what he wants. Emboldened by the compliment, Charlotte places her hand on his arm again and says, "Maybe we should get married" and he replies, "All righty" with the same level of excitement he said when she suggested he order tomato basil. LOL. Charlotte looks dismayed as he continues eating.
Charlotte races over to Carrie's apartment to spacily announce, "I'm engaged" ... and when Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!", Charlotte recounts the awkward non-proposal and Trey's tendency to say, "All righty" to pretty much every suggestion that comes his way. Carrie tells Charlotte how disturbing it is for her to be marrying a man who so frequently says all righty - and Charlotte wails that she wanted to be the one to say yes in response to a marriage proposal. Carrie dismissively says, "Oh, who cares about those stupid rules!" and Charlotte sadly whimpers, "I do" and laments about how there was no kneeling or glittery diamond ring. She cries that it's an awful, romantic engagement story she won't be able to rub anyone's nose in...and Carrie does her best to comfort her with a hug.
Steve's cute puppy sits in front of Miranda's bedroom door at 4:00am and barks for her attention. Miranda bellows for Steve to deal with his dog...but when she storms out to the living room, she sees that it's empty. Carrie voice-overs that it finally sunk in for Miranda that their relationship was officially over...even though Miranda was the one who firmly decided he had to be ejected out of her life for being too childish.
Steve returns a few hours later to collect his puppy, and sheepishly thanks Miranda for letting him crash on her couch. She's surprisingly polite to him in return and says she circled some leads on available apartments in the Village Voice, then adds, "I think we did pretty good." Steve agrees and says he'd like to keep in touch...then stares sadly after Miranda when she's like, "Sure, whatever" and heads off to work.
Carrie is trying to tap out her raunch for the week, but she's too distracted by Aidan's noisy, dusty mess as he strips her floors. She tells him she's going to get a room at the Stanhope Hotel around the corner, then packs up her laptop and flounces out.
Trey and a bummed looking Charlotte amble down Fifth Avenue, hand in hand...and when they come upon Tiffany & Co., Trey suggests they go inside and pick out the most beautiful diamond engagement ring in the store. Charlotte perks up at that and squeals, "All righty!" and decides that her official engagement story - for anyone who's keeping score - will be: out of nowhere, Trey popped the question while they happened to be walking past Tiffany's. Awwwww!
In a bedroom downtown, Adam is pushing Samantha's head towards his crotch, which...classy, dude. Samantha comes right out and tells him how putrid his spunk tastes, and he gets all pissy and accuses her of making up excuses so she doesn't have to give him anymore head. Samantha takes that as an insult and says, on the contrary, she loooooves dispensing blowjobs to her hookups - the jaw stress and gag reflex problems notwithstanding. She does, however, balk slightly at the task when a man's spunk is like "a trip to the rotten egg buffet" ... and when he's all, "Wha-a?!" she makes him a deal: if he tastes his spunk and isn't as grossed out as she's been by it, she'll blow him one last time before moving onto her next lay. He takes a sip of his spunk, looks instantly nauseous, but fibs and tells her it tastes just fine. Samantha keeps her word and gets busy between his legs - even though, as Carrie voice-overs, her heart wasn't in it. What a trooper.
Big calls Carrie at the Stanhope (after being directed there by an unsuspecting Aidan), and says he's in the lobby. Carrie barks, "I'll be right down!" and wraps herself in a flowy trench coat type thing and storms downstairs. She finds Big in the bar and wails about how she has a deadline and a boyfriend...and Big admits he was kind of an asshole on the phone the other day, then mumbles that he doesn't know what he wants, wah wah. Carrie yells at him to stop flirting with her, jerking her around, and calling her apartment...'cause she'd prefer it if Aidan never found out about them. She then storms out of the bar and races to the elevator...and Big chases her and says he now realizes what a YUGE mistake he made in marrying a classy, beautiful non-skank who likes neutral tones. He lunges at Carrie and forcibly kisses her her, and she pushes him away and snaps, "Fuck you!" ... but when he continues with his forcible kissing, she instantly melts and murmurs, "Mmm...fuck me."
Post coitus, Carrie and Big lay in her hotel bed together, smoking and grinning at each other as she voice-overs, "And just like that, I lost my head." Like that's any kind of reasonable explanation, asshole.