Recap: Samantha is enduring a PR meeting with a spoiled thirteen year old named Jenny Brier, who's staring at her with her vacant, soulless eyes and pronouncing, "I want it all. I want it now. I want you to get it for me." Jenny is the daughter of a wealthy restauranteur who fired her last two publicists [it's never explained why this thirteen year old needs a publicist] and somehow decided that Samantha is the right person to take over the PR for her upcoming Bat Mitzvah party. Samantha shoots her a look of disdain and tells the self-entitled imp she doesn't do kids' parties - but when Jenny tells her she wants the momentous event, which is likely to cost upwards of a million dollars, covered by press such as Vanity Fair and Teen People and that the guest list includes A-listers like Bill and Hillary Clinton, Samantha perks up and decides she does do kids' parties after all.
The Sex and the City gals meet at an upscale cafeteria for lunch. Carrie - OMFG - has decked herself out in a horrifyingly grotesque multi-colored top, grisly matching culottes, and a bright blue kerchief atop her head. The unspeakable ensemble is definitely one of Patricia Field's stupider concoctions. Miranda remarks that she thought a cute guy sitting at one of the tables was checking her out, and the other three gals are all, "Ooooh! Aww!" and cackle amongst themselves like pre-pubescents. Miranda tries to change the subject and starts gabbling about the headaches she's been having and discovered she inadvertently thrusts her tongue against her front teeth...which means she's going to have to pay a visit to an orthodontist. Carrie's like, "Blah, blah" and writes a note for the cute guy who was allegedly eyeing Miranda, then goes over where he's sitting, delivers the note, and tells him how cute her friend thinks he is. He responds by handing Carrie his card and tells her to tell Miranda to call him.
After lunch, Carrie braves the New York summer heat to stop in at her favorite shoe repair place to get the soles of her stilettos fixed - but is dismayed to learn it no longer exists and that a comic store has taken its place. She goes inside and asks the clerk what happened to Arty...and the clerk says he had to close up shop 'cause he could no longer afford the rent. He introduces himself as Wade Adams, and the two flirtily chat about superheroes, blah blah...and he shows her his favorite Wonder Woman comic and his homemade comic about a superhero named Power Lad. He glances across the store and notices a couple of pre-pubescent boys gawking in Carrie's direction and furrows his brows. When Carrie asks whassup, he motions to the boys and smilingly says, "To them you are Wonder Woman", which was barf-inducing...and probably not even accurate, since I think there's a pretty good chance that the boys were laughing at her fugly outfit.
A day or so later, Carrie sorts through her mail and receives a cartoon drawing that depicts her as Wonder Woman phoning up Power Lad (aka Wade). Carrie chuckles and decides to call the number he conveniently included on the artwork.
Charlotte searches the Internet for a cure to Trey's flaccid penis problems. She comes across a description of a hydraulic penis system that costs $8,000, and perks up at the thought of being penetrated by a bionic penis. She prints out the information.
Carrie meets up with Wade at a Times Square arcade bar called Bar Code. The two order beer and gabble about old school video games, blah blah, then go on a simulated Mars ride for $10.
As Trey gets ready for bed, he chit-chats with Charlotte about his day then asks her how work was, so she gives him a brief rundown of what she did at the gallery, then excitedly says she went on the Internet and found some stuff on bionic penises! She hands him the printout, which he stares at in horror. Charlotte points out that since they've exhausted all other options [though not really, since Trey has barely acknowledged even having a penis problem], they might as well try roboticizing his nether regions. Trey mutters, "You can't be serious"... and when Charlotte whimpers, "What other options do we have?" he mutely crawls into bed and goes to sleep.
After a few hours of playing video games and guzzling beer, Carrie and Wade step out into the hot, muggy New York air. Wade somehow produces a scooter and invites Carrie to scoot with him to his place and says he has a kick-ass terrace with a nice cool breeze. Carrie puts on a faux bashful expression and says she doesn't normally scoot to a terrace on the first date (the hell you don't, slutcakes)...but when he says he has central air, she's like, "Let's go!" and the two scoot uptown to his apartment.
Carrie is stunned by Wade's spacious apartment and terrace with a stunning view of Manhattan. She asks him how it's possible for a comic store owner to afford such a fabulous home, and he deftly avoids answering and heads to the kitchen to get them a couple of beers. A few seconds later, Carrie is startled by the sight of a short middle aged woman, who greets Carrie with a pleasant hello. A mortified Wade is like, "Uh, mom, what are you doing up?", and Mrs. Adams says she's off to bed, urges him not to stay up too late, and tells Carrie it was nice meeting her.
During lunch at Jenny Brier's father's restaurant, Samantha is appalled when Carrie tells her about Wade's living situation. She declares it "not sexy", then hands her her cell phone so she can dump him right this minute...but Carrie declines to give him the heave-ho, and explains that Wade only lives with his parents 'cause he poured all of his financial resources into the comic store. Miranda arrives at the restaurant sporting a new set of braces, and tells the gals that this is what happens to tongue thrusters. Carrie does her best to pretend that they don't look as awful as they do, but Samantha sugarcoats nothing as she scrunches her face in horror and says, "I'm in pain just looking at you." The waiter comes by to deliver a $200 bottle of Dom Perignon, compliments of Jenny Brier. Samantha resents the fact that a thirteen year old can afford this kind of extravagance and glumly says when she was thirteen she worked at Dairy Queen to earn her spending money. Jenny breezes over to their table with her two A-list pals and gushes to Samantha about how impressed she is that she's friends with Carrie Bradshaw. Er, OK..? She turns to Carrie and squeals, "You are soooo fucking fabulous!" and starts nattering about how she can relate to her shittastic column, and that her ex was all about the sex - but didn't like to acknowledge her any time they were in public. No duh. Instead of being suitably horrified that a thirteen year old is reading her weekly raunch, Carrie just stares back at her in amused bewilderment. Miranda notices that one of the girls is wearing blue braces and remarks on them, but the girl corrects her about them being blue and says, "They're sapphire", then laughs at Miranda for getting the old metal kind. After that, the three teenagers flounce off, and Miranda looks mortified at being called out as a thirty-four year old nerd.
Carrie returns to her apartment to puff on her cigarette and stare vacantly into space as she ponders the next instalment of her column. She babbles in a voice-over about America's youth obsessed culture, then wonders if women (and by women she really just means herself and the other three Sex and the City gals) are growing into mature, responsible adults or if they're "thirty-four going on thirteen".
Miranda has summoned the courage to call the cute guy from the cafeteria. She learns that his name is Lance Bloom and that he works as an editor. As Lance chit-chats about his job, Miranda chows down on some kind of dark spread that, predictably, gets trapped in her braces. Lance winces at the grisly sight - and, as politely as possible, tells her she has food caught in her braces. Miranda checks out the reflection of her teeth in a butter knife and gasps in horror. Lance wonders aloud what it's like to kiss someone with braces, then says a blow job is probably out of the question...and Miranda just stares back at him with her eyes widened, holding a hand over her mouth. Lance quickly assures her he was just kidding - but it doesn't matter, 'cause that scene is the last we ever see of him.
The next day, Miranda meets up with Carrie for ice cream and an analysis of her 'Dating With Braces Situation'. Carrie tells her that any guy who's worth a one night stand wouldn't give a hoot about her braces, but Miranda says that despite the irony, she wouldn't even consider dating a guy with braces. Carrie stares at her quizzically and goes, "Are you kidding me? Don't you think that's childish?" - and then the camera cuts to Mrs. Adams offering Carrie lemonade and cookies, to which Carrie enthusiastically chirps, "Yes please, Mrs. Adams!" She then voice-overs about the hidden benefits of dating a cartoon doodling man-child who lives with his parents, namely "it was like having servants you didn't have to pay".
Trey has agreed to couples' therapy - I guess in lieu of turning his flaccid penis into a bionic appendage. The therapist suggests they create their own non-threatening sex language by renaming their genitals...and Charlotte perks up at the name game and says she'd like to call her vagina Rebecca. Trey, who looks like he's hoping the earth will open up and swallow him whole, mutters about how inane the exercise is. Um, d'yuh. Charlotte urges him to participate and suggests he name his limp dick after something nautical 'cause of how much he likes sailing. She goes, "How about schooner?" and Trey just stares dully into space, too beaten down by the mortifying therapy experience to respond, much less object. The therapist tells them to go home, lay in bed together, and share a sexual fantasy with each other.
In the next scene, Charlotte and Trey are laying in bed, face-to-face. Charlotte happily babbles about being a fairy princess when handsome prince Trey suddenly comes along and tears off her petticoats and and thrusts his schooner deep inside her Rebecca. She's like, "OK, now you go!" and a miserable Trey shakes his head and mutters, "I'm in hell.." and says he can't do this, he's a respected surgeon, and just isn't a very sexual kind of person. Charlotte reminds him that they're married and love each other...and he just gazes at her affectionately and agrees that she is a fairy princess and deserves better than a man who can't get it up. He gives her a quick kiss, then rolls over and goes to sleep.
Wade is spending the night at Carrie's apartment...and the two are about to get it on when his mom calls to ask if he remembered to give the dog his medicine. A mortified Wade is all, "OMG, mom! I told you to never call me here!" and his mom responds by asking him to hand the phone over to Carrie for a needless chat.
Later that night, Charlotte hears moaning sounds coming from the bathroom. Puzzled, she gets up to investigate and sees that it's Trey, pleasuring himself in front of the vanity with the aid of a nudie magazine called Juggs. Charlotte contorts her face into a look of shock and dismay...and when Trey realizes she's standing behind him, he looks sheepish and ashamed at being caught masturbating.
At the next therapy session, Charlotte angrily calls out Trey for telling her he wasn't a sexual person, and then going and spanking his monkey in the middle of the night. Trey explains it's just tension release to help him sleep...and the therapist jokes (or maybe not), "At least we know you're not gay!" then suggests they figure out a way to incorporate Charlotte in his Juggs-induced wanking.
At work, Miranda is going through a document with a group of lawyers in a conference room, and gets irked when a few of the male lawyers start chuckling amongst themselves at the other end of the table. Miranda assumes they're mocking her brace face and bitchily calls them out for their juvenile behavior. One of the men explains that they were laughing at the typo on page three, and Miranda goes, "Oh" and decided soon after to get her braces removed and accept herself as a tongue thruster.
Trey resumes pleasuring himself in the bathroom...but the heads of the Juggs models have been replaced with photo cutouts of Charlotte. This, apparently, is Trey's best effort to include Charlotte in his orgasms.
Samantha is working Jenny Brier's Bat Mitzvah party when a limo pulls up, and Jenny and her fashionista pals step out and prance up the red carpet. A gaggle of photographers dutifully snap photos of the vapid trio - and a crowd of young girls, who are being restrained behind steel barricades, cheer and shriek compliments at the it girls.
Carrie and Wade are hanging out at his parents' place. She browses through his vinyl album collection as he puts on some rock and roll...then pulls out a bag of weed, along with his homemade bong.
Samantha overhears Jenny talking to her friends about all the guys she wants to fuck. An appalled Samantha asks if they aren't a little young for that kind of talk, but the girls just roll their eyes and laugh at the prudish question. Samantha urges them to enjoy being children while they can, and points out that they have their whole adult lives to bed hop and become used up whores [which Sex and the City often likes to equate with being strong, independent women]. Jenny brags that she's been giving boys blow jobs since she was twelve, and her friend with the sapphire braces nods and says it's the only way to get guys to like you. Samantha insists that that's not true, but Jenny dismissively holds up her hand and barks, "Talk to the hand, grandma!" Samantha throws in the towel in giving the girls any more life advice when she comes to the realization that she no longer resented Jenny for being a spoiled rich brat, 'cause she had one thing that Jenny will never have: a childhood.
Back at Casa Wade, a stoned Carrie and Wade eat chicken from a bucket and spray each other with the garden hose. When Carrie giggles uncontrollably and starts throwing chicken pieces off the terrace, the two peer downwards, and Wade gasps when he sees his parents' car. He panics and looks around for his bag o' weed...'cause if his parents find him with with it they'll kick him out of the apartment. A few seconds later, Mrs. Adams enters the apartment, smells something funny, and lifts up the large baggie of pot she spotted sitting on an end table. She asks Wade if he brought pot into their home after being repeatedly warned not to, and Wade throws Carrie under the bus and says it belongs to her. Carrie's all, "Wuh?" ... and when Mrs. Adams asks her if what Wade just said is true, she suddenly decides it is, then cheekily retorts, "I brought the marijuana into the house, and I'm taking it with me when I go." She shoots Wade a smug grin, takes the weed from Mrs. Adams, and sashays out of the apartment, never to be seen by the Adams again.
Later, Carrie invites Miranda and Samantha over to her apartment, where the three light up joints, get stoned, and giggle incessantly.
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