Recap: Carrie is getting a bikini wax by a no-nonsense Eastern European woman who unapologetically rips off every strand in her pube region. She later sits by the hotel pool with Samantha and Miranda, complaining about how she's totes bald down there now. Samantha nods knowingly and says it's called a Brazilian wax, then warns about how it can make a person do crazy things. Like hop into the sack for one night stands with virtual strangers in every episode, for example. Miranda announces that she's off to meet up with her old friend Lou, who recently moved to L.A. to write a New York sitcom...then cackles about how the show paints a totally unrealistic picture of day-to-day life in New York. Much like the way the SATC writers pretend as though it's reasonable for Carrie to afford to live in the Upper East Side and buy thousands of dollars worth of designer shoes on her raunch writing salary. As Miranda heads out, she says she's pretty sure that she and Lou will spend the entire time bitching about the shallowness of L.A.
She arrives at a new agey restaurant called The Flowing Tree and is surprised to see that Lou is no longer a chubby, pale, miserable looking New Yorker. She tells him he looks fantastic, then suggests they find a seedy bar so they can throw back a few drinks like they used to in the old days. Lou says he'd prefer to hang at The Flowing Tree so he can peacefully sip a green tea infusion, and Miranda scrunches her face in confusion and reminds him that their friendship was founded on sharing beers and grumbling about happy people. Lou tells her that ever since moving to L.A., he's rid himself of his toxic anger and metamorphosed into one of the happy people they used to make fun of. He then invites her to go on a hike with him, and she stares back at him in mute bewilderment.
Carrie and Samantha arrive at a movie premiere after-party...but since they're not on the guest list, the PR woman who's working the door (the actress who played Jan Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie) refuses to let them in and snidely orders Carrie to step off the red carpet. Haha! Samantha haughtily asks, "Do you know who she is?" and Jan Brady sassily retorts, "I know she's not on the list." Carrie tries a different approach and says she has a press pass, and an unimpressed Jan Brady dismissively directs her toward the press tent. Carrie gives up and mopes on the curb about being "a Hollywood nobody" while Samantha storms off to the valet to get their car back. Carrie pulls a cigarette out of her purse and lights it up at the same time that Vince Vaughn exits the back door of the venue while talking on his cell. When he finishes his call, he and Carrie exchange flirty glances...and he asks if he can bum a cigarette. He takes a few puffs and compliments the brand, which is apparently unavailable in L.A., and Carrie jokes that she taped them to her body while she was flying in from New York. Vince Vaughn introduces himself and claims to represent Matt Damon, and Carrie introduces herself and jokes that she represents herself. He asks her if she's an actress...and when she tells him she's a writer, he replies, "You're too pretty to be a writer" and she calls him out on his cheesy line...which, d'yuh. Samantha returns from the valet and tells Carrie it's going to take an hour for them to get the car, and Carrie's like, "Whatevs" and introduces her to her new friend. After a few more minutes of inane chit-chat, Vince Vaughn ushers the two gals into the club so they can attend the party, then steps away for a moment to take another call. Samantha glances around the room and suddenly gasps, grabs Carrie, and silently points at Hugh Hefner, who's holding court with his usual coterie of busty, white-haired playmates. Carrie voice-overs about how much Samantha worships the aging, icktastic playboy and that he's not just any celebrity sighting...he's THE celebrity sighting. Samantha wastes no time rushing across to the room to introduce herself to Hef, and gushes about what a huge fan she is...and the creepy old fossil perks up at her fawning and invites her to join him and his blondes for a drink.
Vince Vaughn invites Carrie to lunch with him tomorrow at a fancy pants restaurant, and she happily accepts his invitation. He gets word from some young flunky that the VIP lounge just opened up, then turns his attention back to Carrie and asks her if she'd like to hang with him in the VIP room. She nods her head vigorously and says she'd really really like to mingle with some Hollywood A-listers.
Charlotte and Trey return home from a black tie doctors' benefit. He tells her she did a good job mingling among the rich and privileged, and she thanks him for the compliment and rubs his crotch, purring about how she has an itch she'd like him to scratch. He's all, "Ack! No can do" and quickly pulls away. Charlotte sighs and suggests he try jump-starting his limp dick with some Viagra, but he tells her that the drug wreaks havoc with men who have heart problems...and reminds her that his father dropped dead of a heart attack and that heart disease runs in his family. Furthermore, all of this sex talk has made him tense...so he grabs his sneakers and announces he's going out for a run.
While shopping, Samantha encounters a sleazy looking man who sells fake designer purses out of the trunk of his car. She stares at the replicas, looking intrigued and impressed.
Charlotte stops by Carrie's place to pick up her mail, then sadly ambles around the apartment. She stares at a framed photo of the four of them and suddenly realizes how much she misses her single life, then decides, "Why not run away from my problems like Trey does?" ['cause, yeah, that's a healthy approach to a one week-old marriage] and jets off to L.A.
Charlotte shows up unannounced at Carrie's hotel room and wails about how she can't deal with Trey and his dysfunctional penis any longer, then adds, "I really missed you guys!" Carrie says she's off to meet Vince Vaughn for lunch and then maybe some dessert (mmm hmm), but urges Charlotte to go hang with Samantha and Miranda, who are lounging by the pool. Charlotte heads over to the balcony and stares hungrily at all the hard, male, suntanned bodies stretched out on loungers.
Carrie accompanies Vince Vaughn to a house he's pretending to be rich enough to afford. It's an insanely huge property, has lots of floor to ceiling windows, and is currently owned by Lorenzo Lamas. Carrie coos about what a great house it is, then rubs up against him and gives him an amorous smooch.
The next morning, Charlotte orders a fat free, ultra healthy breakfast and then grins and declares how much she looooves L.A. Miranda says that Lou may be the perfect guy, now that he's no longer a grouchy chubbo. She thinks he might be onto something with his new-found inner peace and happiness, and contemplates whether she should follow suit and stop being so angry, bitchy, and judgemental all the damn time. Samantha shows the gals her new "Fendi" purse, the fakeness of which can only be detected by unzipping it and looking at the grisly inside lining, and the gals are impressed by its seeming authenticity. She says she got the guy's card, so if they want to buy any of his purses they'll have to go to his place in the Valley. Charlotte catches a glimpse of all the condoms that accidentally spilled out of Samantha's purse while she was waving the dumb thing around, and starts waxing on about the joys of being married and only going to bed with one person. The gals get annoyed at her sanctimoniousness and urge her to get a bikini wax from the stern Eastern European woman who did Carrie...then giggle conspiratorially.
Charlotte goes for the bikini wax, and is appalled by the unexpected denuding Brazilian she receives.
The next day, Carrie and Samantha head to the Valley to go fake purse shopping. Carrie stares at the bags tightly packed in the trunk and looks turned off, then lights up a cigarette and tells Samantha she's reconsidered and suddenly has no interest in purchasing a fake. The seller gets irked at not making any sales and barks at Carrie to not smoke her stupid cigarette near the bags.
At lunch, Carrie tells the gals that the fake purses all looked so sad staring up at her from the trunk of the car. She says she'd rather wait to afford the real thing, 'cause overpaying for a designer label would somehow make the experience more special. Charlotte suddenly blurts out, "My marriage is a fake Fendi!" and says that she and Trey look perfect from the outside - but on the inside it's a fake, sexless union 'cause his penis is completely dysfunctional. Miranda and Samantha are all, "Wha-a?! You haven't had sex yet?!" and Charlotte says she was reluctant to tell them her shameful secret 'cause she knew they'd say I told you so. Miranda, who has just turned over a new leaf regarding her usual bitchitude, softly coos that she has no right to judge anyone, and that they all have to choose their own paths in life. Samantha, meanwhile, just stares at Charlotte in befuddlement, unable to get her brain around the fact that she and Trey haven't bumped uglies at least once. When she recombobulates herself, she announces some news to cheer them up: Hef has invited them to the Playboy Mansion tomorrow for a pool party!
Vince Vaughn brings Carrie to "his place" ... and the two canoodle in a luxurious in-ground hot tub. Carrie gets amorous and strips off her undergarments.
Miranda meets up again with Lou, and the two are at a restaurant enjoying a steak dinner. He tells her he doesn't really miss New York...then takes a bite of his steak, chews it while bobbing his head from side to side, and spits it out in a napkin. When he goes through the unsightly ritual a second time, Miranda asks him if something is wrong with his food. He says it's fine, but that he didn't lose those thirty pounds by eating. Miranda looks at him in appalled disdain, and Lou gets all defensive and starts cussing about how much pressure he's under to stay thin, then pouts about how producers in L.A. don't like to hire fat story editors.
Carrie and Vince Vaughn are spooning as they wake up the next morning. He tells her he really likes what she has "going on down there", and she giggles about her current No Pubes Situation and asks him why he never seems to have to go to work. Before he can think up some bullcack, Carrie Fisher enters the room, glaring in bewilderment at Vince Vaughn, and is all, "WTF are you doing?" She reminds him that she forbade him to have prostitutes over while he's housesitting...and when Carrie's all, "Huh?", Vince Vaughn finally admits he's not an agent - he's Carrie Fisher's personal assistant. Carrie Fisher picks up Carrie's pink bra with a look of total disgust on her face...and as Carrie takes it from her, she clarifies that, while it was a completely reasonable assumption, she's actually not a hooker...she's Carrie Bradshaw, raunchy New York sex columnist! She then giddily points out that they're both named Carrie and they both write! Carrie Fisher shakes her head and mumbles, "I can't do this...I have a child", then sniffs the air and asks if they've been smoking. Carrie wisely flees the room to slip back into her skankwear and hightail it out of there...and Vince Vaughn is summarily fired from his job as Fisher's personal assistant.
The gals arrive at the Playboy Mansion, decked out in tacky glitterwear over their swimsuits. Charlotte gets tipsy on fruity drinks and flirts with a man named Ian...but things immediately go sour when he offers to buy her an improved set of boobs. Samantha complains that someone stole her fake Fendi bag...and when she spots a blonde bunny clutching what she assumes is her bag, she storms over and accuses the bunny of thieving. Hef notices the commotion and comes over to see whassup, so Samantha repeats her accusation. To prove her wrong, the bunny opens her purse, smugly demonstrating that it is an authentic Fendi. Samantha stares at it in mortification...and is further mortified when a hulky security guard suddenly materializes to escort her off the property. She cries, "I'm not leaving without my friends!"
Miranda and Carrie amble into a cave and leer at all the topless women frolicking in the water. Miranda wryly quips, "Tit soup" and a fed up looking Carrie declares that it's prolly time to start wrapping up this episode. Charlotte and Samantha stumble into the cave and inform them that they've been asked to leave...and will be escorted off the premises by security.
The next day, Carrie returns home to her apartment, which looks better to her than she remembered 'cause inside it was "all real". She leans against the wall, lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away, and voice-overs that she was starting to feel like herself again.