Recap: Carrie looks out at the rain from the window of her apartment, moodily puffing on her stupid cigarette and voice-overing about the dreary greyness of New York...and by dreary greyness she doesn't mean the weather so much as her shitty affair with Mr. Big and subsequent breakup with Aidan. She decides she could use a change of scenery in the form of a conveniently timed boondoggle to Los Angeles with Miranda and Samantha.
During brunch, Charlotte shows the gals a stack of photos of her and Trey playing golf in Bermuda during their honeymoon, and then wails, "I can't believe you're going to L.A. without meeee!" Carrie explains to viewers that she's been invited to L.A. by a small production company that might be interested in optioning her columns to create a movie. Yeesh. They must be pretty hard up for content. Miranda and Samantha leave the diner to finish packing and get ready for the trip...leaving Carrie behind so that she and Charlotte can compare the sad state of their empty, sexless lives. Carrie tells her that Aidan dumped her like yesterday's news after she confessed her Big affair, and Charlotte admits that she and Trey didn't knock boots once during their honeymoon and cries, "He couldn't get it up!" ... so he stopped trying and just played golf the entire time. Carrie tries to breezily assure her that impotence is a common problem for men, but Charlotte refuses to accept that her gorgeous new husband has a chronically flaccid penis. Carrie says she can't wait to get away from the Big/Aidan Situation - aka, a giant turd mess of her own making - and jet off to L.A. Charlotte wishes her good luck and says she's going to mope around the diner some more and order another cup of coffee. Carrie gets up and flounces toward the exit, glances around the diner with a smarmy expression on her face as though anyone in the joint could give a rat's ass that she's leaving New York for two whole episodes, then heads outside into the sunshine...which cleverly blends into the gals' afternoon arrival in sunny Los Angeles.
Miranda gabbles about how thrilled she is to be on vacation...but as they're checking in, she learns that the production company only reserved two rooms: one for Carrie and one for Samantha. And naturally the hotel is totally booked up. Miranda opts to bunk with Carrie, and Carrie says she's fine with that, but tells her she doesn't want to hear any shit about her smoking. She's then dismayed when the hotel clerk informs her that she's forbidden from lighting up 'cause her room is on a non-smoking floor.
Later, the gals strut outside to stand a foot away from the hotel's front door so that Carrie can light up her stupid cigarette, take a few dramatic puffs while posing as if she's being photographed for Vogue, then head back inside to the hotel bar.
Samantha meets a dildo model named Garth, who invites her to a sex toy launch party the following evening. Miranda meets a guy named Jason Dique (pronounced Dick), and the two flirtily chat about his funny name until he gets distracted by a sexy brunette sashaying by and excuses himself to salivate after her. Carrie is chatting with an over-ambitious junior development executive played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who gushes nauseatingly about how much she looooves Carrie's column and can relate to her slutty one night stands and self-inflicted heartbreaks. She squeals, "I am you!" and pronounces that a film based on her I-couldn't-help-but-wonder style musings will be "chick flick big". She then reveals the exciting news that a big Hollywood actor is very interested in her raunch...and after a tedious back and forth during which she makes Carrie try to guess who it is, she finally whispers that it's Matthew McConaughey. Carrie will meet with him tomorrow afternoon.
Trey is sitting in front of the computer in the bedroom, entering wedding gift information when Charlotte ambles over and tries to engage him in foreplay. She coos about how she can't wait to relaaaaax and just be husband and wife, then hops into his lap. This causes him to mistype something on the computer, and his overall lack of interest in canoodling makes Charlotte pout and want to discuss his penis deflation problems. Trey firmly steers clear of the embarrassing topic, and Charlotte eventually throws in the towel and retreats to their bed alone.
Carrie has rented a car with a stick shift, which she is totally inept at driving. She grinds the gears and repeatedly ends up in reverse - freaking out Samantha, who storms out of the car and haughtily says she refuses to die in a car accident before she can fulfill her life-long fantasy of going on a date with a dildo.
Carrie arrives at WB Studios for her meeting with Matthew McConaughey, who behaves like a spaced out weirdo. He calls her writing sharp, edgy, brutal, and juicy...and a flustered Carrie thanks him for his kind bullcack. He says that for the movie they'll have to flesh out the central relationship - Carrie and Mr. Big - then remarks, "I don't see how they couldn't make it work." Carrie voice-overs that she's been asking herself that question since Season 1. [Um, because he's not into you??] Matthew McConaughey gushes about how cool Mr. Big is...but when Carrie reminds him that Big has commitment issues, he bellows, "That's bullshit!" then laughs maniacally and says he's totes up for playing the role of Big. He then leers at Carrie and creepily adds, "I really want to fuck you, baby" and Carrie looks aghast and asks if he's still in the midst of his acting schtick...but doesn't actually get any kind of answer. She pulls a cigarette out of her purse, and Matthew McConaughey asks her to put the smokes away 'cause he doesn't think that Carrie should smoke in the movie...or in his office for that matter. Heh. After the meeting, Carrie ambles around the WB studios and ends up in a faux New York City lot, staring around in bewilderment. She sits on a faux stoop and lights up a cigarette...but within seconds a security guy drives by in a little motorized cart and orders her to put it out. Haha!
Samantha drags Carrie and Miranda to the sex toy party...and an irked Carrie says she just wants to go to bed and forget about all the Matthew McConaughey weirdness, while Miranda grumbles that L.A. men only seem attracted to women who brazenly put their sexuality out there. Samantha promptly ditches them to make a beeline over to Garth's booth clutching her dildo and asks him to sign it, then not-so-subtly gives him the name of her hotel and room number.
Later that night, Garth and Samantha hit the sack, and her loud, fake sounding moans keep Carrie awake in the room next door.
At breakfast the next morning, Samantha waxes on about how soundly she sleeps in the fresh California air, while Carrie is in a foul mood about having to endure another meeting with Matthew McConaughey. Samantha hands each of them a Garth dildo she got for them at the launch party...and after Carrie bitchily rejects hers, Miranda pulls her dildo out of its packaging, carefully examines it, and remarks on its freakish length. She then needlessly tells the gals that she's not so much into length as she is ample penile width.
Charlotte calls Carrie from New York to complain that more days have passed with Trey not getting it up. Carrie tells her it's either physical or emotional, then suggests putting a ring of taped paper around his flaccid member when he's asleep...and if it rips during the night, this will mean he's capable of an erection. Charlotte eyes a roll of stamps she's been using to send out thank you cards for their wedding gifts and decides it'd be perfect for an impromptu penis experiment.
Samantha and Garth are hitting the sheets a second time. He tells her he's a poet, then asks about her interests...and she tells him she has absolutely no interests in life other than hitting the sack with complete strangers, then tries to distract him from anymore pesky chatting with a giant smooch.
Later, Garth reads Samantha his poetry, but she's not into it. When he tells her he's done with L.A. and wants to move to New York and pursue his two loves - poetry and porn - she declares that a relationship between them wouldn't work 'cause she'd never be willing to share his penis with his porn co-stars. I guess that's the end of that.
Carrie is sitting by the hotel pool with her feet in the water, staring contemplatively into space as she puffs away on another cigarette. When a cute guy approaches her, she assumes he's about to complain about the air pollution her stupid cigarette is generating...but it turns out he came over to bum one and ask if she wants company. She tells him it was her last cigarette, and that she's not currently up for any male companionship.
Charlotte wakes up, excited to see how Trey's penis performed while encased in a roll of stamps. She gently opens his fly and pulls out the stamps...and is delighted to see that some of the stamps got torn sometime during the night. She canoodles him, thrilled that his problem isn't physical...but then frowns as it dawns on her that his penis problems must then be emotional, which might be just as difficult a hurdle to overcome.
In L.A., the gals are spending the evening at the Saddle Ranch Chop House, watching a hot woman sexily ride a mechanical bull. Miranda says she admires the scantily clad tart atop the bull 'cause she "screams sex", then complains about how she wishes she could be more like that. Samantha rolls her eyes and snaps, "Stop fucking complaining about it and do something about it!" ... and when the woman's turn on the bull ends, Miranda frantically waves her arm in the air and asks to ride next. She climbs onto the bull, lightly bucks around for a few seconds...but when the bucking becomes more intense, she rips open her buttoned shirt, revealing her red bra and pasty white torso. Samantha's all, "Woo hoo! Ride 'em, sister!" while Carrie cringes in mute horror.
Carrie pulls up to WB Studios for her second Matthew McConaughey meeting...but stops the car and stares contemplatively into space, wondering if it's not a better idea to figure out her past mistakes herself instead of letting a movie studio do it. She then decides that if she can master a stick shift (which she clearly hasn't), could a successful relationship be far behind? It could be, yes. And just like that, she blows off a meeting that might possibly have been a source of much needed revenue when one considers her implausible earnings as a sex columnist for a tabloid rag.
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