Sex and the City - Season 3, Episode 12

"Cheers to the end of my desperate-to-be-married single woman phase!"

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell"
Original airdate: 8/27/2000

Episode summary: Carrie confesses her affair with Big to Aidan, and he dumps her on the spot. Charlotte is dismayed to learn that Trey has a limp member, but marries him anyway.

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Recap: Miranda is so angst-ridden about being a thirty-four year old bridesmaid with no date for Charlotte's wedding that she's registered herself for some kind of speed-dating service: $20 for half a dozen 8 minute mini-dates. She quickly realizes that the men in her speed dating pool have zero interest in hooking up with a lawyer, so eventually she throws in the towel trying to pass herself off as an independent career minded woman and tells a dorky (faux) ER doctor named Harris that she's an airline stewardess...and he's all, "Mmm.." and looks visibly intrigued.

During the rehearsal dinner, Miranda complains to the gals (and Aidan) that men don't want women with a powerful job, then starts to say, "They want..." and Aidan interjects and blurts out, "A liar!" Carrie flinches and stares sheepishly into space while voice-overing about how guilty she still feels about cheating on Aidan...and, I would hope, for causing Natasha to trip on the stairs and lose one of her teeth. Miranda justifies her lie by pointing out that as a lawyer she attracted zero dates - but as a stewardess, she was able to score one. Samantha tells her it's not so much what you do, but how you say what you do, then seductively purrs, "I'm in PR. Translation: I give great head." Aidan scrunches his face in bewilderment, then tells Miranda she'll never be able to have a long term relationship with Harris because of her lie. Considering his general dorkiness, I doubt her lie will result in any great consequence.

Trey thanks the guests for attending the rehearsal dinner, then gives a special shout-out to his cousin Caleb, who flew in from Edinburgh for the occasion. Samantha leers at the brawny Scotsman and mutters, "Yum. I know what I'll be having later." Trey publicly thanks Charlotte for agreeing to marry him (even though technically she's the one who proposed to him over a plate of tomato basil), schmaltzily tells her, "I love you more than words can say" and invites everyone to eat, drink, and be merry. Miranda wistfully remarks that Charlotte looks "so damn happy" ... and then somehow the conversation shifts to the kilts the groomsmen will be wearing during the ceremony. Naturally, this leads the gals to wonder if Scotsmen wear anything underneath the kilts, to which Samantha cackles, "I'll find out!" and makes a beeline over to Caleb's table. She introduces herself and offers to show him around town, then scrunches her face confusedly when she can't make out what Caleb is saying in his thick Scottish accent.

[unintelligible]

"Guess who my next forgettable fuck is going to be?!"

The gals are in the dressing room at Vera Wang for a final fitting of their bridesmaids' dresses. Carrie moans about how she's going to have to 'fess up and tell Aidan about her affair with Big, but Samantha disagrees and says there's absolutely no reason he needs to know. Carrie points out that relationships are supposed to be built on trust, and Samantha wryly replies, "That ship sailed" ...which, well d'yuh. Charlotte agrees that Carrie should come clean to Aidan - but preferably after the wedding, then chirps, "It's supposed to be my week." Miranda shoots her a withering glare and icily retorts, "You get a day. Not a week." Hee! Samantha doesn't get why Carrie needs to tell Aidan anything, especially now that her affair with Big is over - but Miranda says if she were the one being cheated on, she'd definitely want to know. Carrie snarks that it's hard to take the advice of someone who's posing as a stewardess...and when Charlotte's all, "Wuh?", Carrie explains that on her wedding day, they all have to pretend that Miranda is an airline stewardess. Charlotte whines that she doesn't want to pretend anything, and Samantha changes the subject to her skirt length and asks if it could be made shorter - but Charlotte nixes that request and tells her that all the dresses have to be the same length, not hiked up near cootch territory. Samantha irritably says if she has to be a bridesmaid she should at least be able to look good, and Charlotte bitchily tells her she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid, and that the only reason she was asked was so she wouldn't feel left out. Ouch. Samantha snaps back that she'd looooove to be left out and spend her available leisure time doinking Caleb...and Charlotte snaps, "Fine!" while Samantha stomps over to her fitting room to change back into her regular slutwear.

"Nothing can be permitted to distract from my wedding-palooza."

"You get a reception, not a palooza. Got it?"

Carrie is in her apartment, writing up her column and nattering about how 'coming clean' is a selfish​ act that allows people to absolve themselves by hurting those who don't deserve to be hurt. She stares contemplatively into space, then types: in a relationship, is honesty really the best policy? Probably, yeah. But then, so is not repeatedly cheating on your trusting boyfriend with a married douchebag.

Miranda is out to dinner with Harris, wearing a silk scarf tied around her neck...I assume in an effort to look as stewardess-esque as possible. She slips into a soft, sultry voice as she makes up stuff about what it's like to be a stewardess, and Harris just stares at her in fascination. After dinner the two go to Miranda's place to have sex, and somehow the dork is able to bring her to orgasm. After enjoying a few minutes of post-coital afterglow, she tells him he probably shouldn't spend the night 'cause she has an early flight...and he concurs and says he has to be at the hospital early. As he gets dressed, Miranda bemoans the lonely life of a stewardess, then asks Harris if he's free to escort her to a wedding on Sunday.   

The gals are gathered at a bar, celebrating Charlotte's last night as a single woman...and Charlotte is binge-drinking and giddy about fulfilling her lifelong dream of becoming a rich man's wife. She cackles, "I finally get to sleep with Trey!" and the other three gals stare at her, aghast at the notion of abstaining from sex for any length of time, so she explains that she made a conscious effort to remain a virgin in this relationship in order to save herself for marriage. A horrified Samantha asks her what she'll do if Trey is terrible in bed, and Charlotte chuckles and says he won't be terrible, given that he's soooo sexy and such an amazing kisser. She then says she wants to do sexy things with him involving whipped cream, then giggles like a schoolgirl about how horny she is. 

Miranda gets another booty call from Harris while Samantha bumps uglies with Caleb, who rambles incoherently.

Carrie surprises Aidan by make a late night visit to his furniture store and finds him putting the final touches on the wooden love seat he made as a wedding gift for Charlotte and Trey. Awwww! No way in hell does Carrie deserve a kind, thoughtful man like this. Aidan describes the different kinds of wood he used to cobble the seat together, and how blending them together makes it strong...blah blah...and that a flaw in the wood makes it interesting. Carrie perks up at that and goes, "So, flaws can be good?" and he concurs and says that flaws are the best part. Carrie mulls that over, considers telling him she spent the last three episodes doinking Big behind his back, but worries that he might see her for the two-timing shitbag she is. Instead of coming clean, she leans in for a smooch, and the two get it on atop the love seat.

Charlotte shows up at Trey's apartment, drunkenly giggling in his doorway. She tells him that since it's officially their wedding day they should hit the sheets, and Trey dutifully picks her up and carries her over to his bedroom. Things don't appear to go well, 'cause in the next scene, the two are laying side by side, looking deflated. Trey tightly says, "Well, that was unfortunate" and tells her that his penis has a tendency to go flaccid at the most inopportune times and that intercourse doesn't always do it for him. Charlotte forlornly goes, "Oh.." and asks him if there's anything she can do to help, and he solemnly replies, "Yes. Marry me." Charlotte says she's already doing that...and he says he loves her, then breezily pronounces that his droopy dick is no biggie 'cause sex is such a small part of a relationship. Charlotte refrains from pointing out that sex, sex, and more sex is at the core of every storyline and minor subplot on Sex and the City, then stares into space with a stricken look on her face.

Hopeful foreplay

Flaccid failure

Aidan wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Carrie sitting on his stoop outside, puffing away on her stupid cigarette. Aidan says, "This isn't going to work" and says he doesn't want her to have to sneak outside whenever she wants to smoke. Carrie whines about how hard it is to quit, and Aidan says he'll just have to learn to live with it - ick! - since he's far from being a perfect person. Carrie argues that he's pretty close to being perfect, then says she needs to tell him something...but decides to save her confession for Charlotte's wedding day for maximum drama. The two exchange I love yous, and she says she's going to head home 'cause all her stuff for the wedding is in her apartment.

Miranda is in her kitchen, gabbling to Harris as she slices a bagel for breakfast...and accidentally cuts her finger. Harris immediately gets wigged out and snaps at her to stop waving her bloody stump around 'cause the sight of blood makes him queasy. When she gives him a funny look, he confesses that he's not really an ER doctor, but rather the assistant manager of Athlete's Foot...and that he only hooked up with her to fulfill his fantasy of boning a stewardess. As Miranda mulls that over, she debates whether or not she should tell him the truth about her real career, but declines and slips into her soft stewardess voice and orders him to leave, and says she hopes she never sees him aboard one of her flights.

Aidan arrives at Carrie's apartment to pick her up for the wedding...and he's carrying a small gift-wrapped box and explains that it contains a photograph of the love seat. He tries to cuddle her, then complains, "You never let me hold you anymore." Carrie blurts out that she slept with her ex...then explains that her ex is the married assfuck she introduced him to during the Easy Come, Easy Go episode. Aidan stares at her incredulously and goes, "You slept with that guy?" and she nods and admits hitting the sheets with him more than once, but insists it's sooooo over. Aidan silently hands her the wrapped box, then backs away from her in disgust and makes a beeline over to the door. Carrie sadly asks, "What about the wedding?" and he tells her he needs to take a walk and that she should go to the wedding without him.

"I slept with my ex. I hope you don't mind."

"This could be just the excuse I need to flee this soul-sucking relationship."

Over at the church, Miranda and Samantha are fussing over Charlotte, who's decked out in her poofy designer gown. Carrie rushes in and apologizes for being late, then gushes about how perfect Charlotte looks. A few seconds later, the ceremony gets underway...but Charlotte urgently recalls Carrie just as she begins her aisle walk and says she has to tell her something right now. She whispers, "Trey can't get it up!" and Carrie's all, "Wuh?" then asks if he was drunk at the time, and Charlotte says that she was drunk, but Trey was fine...and that he later explained his chronic penis deflation problems. Carrie breezily tells her it happens to everyone and isn't a big deal...then theorizes that he most likely jerked off right before she got there and was too embarrassed to tell her. She then offers Charlotte an out and says if she's seriously rethinking marrying a quasi-impotent man she barely knows, the two of them can hop into a cab and hightail it away from the church. Charlotte considers that sensible option, then firmly declares, "No. I'm getting married" and begs Carrie not to tell anyone about Trey's limp dick situation. With that settled, a bearded man suddenly materializes out of nowhere - I guess we're to assume he's Charlotte's father [who hopefully wasn't standing close enough to eavesdrop on the flaccid member conversation just now] - and she takes his arm and the two begin their walk down the aisle.  

"Trey has kind of a limp dick situation."

"I'm sure it's nothing that a little tug and rub can't cure."

After the ceremony, a beaming Trey and Charlotte depart the church with colored confetti flying around them. Carrie spots a glum looking Aidan loitering by the gate, so she ambles over to see whassup. He tells her he's been wandering around aimlessly, unable to bring himself to enter the church...and Carrie wails, "I'm sooooo sorry, Aidan!"​ and insists she never meant to hurt him. She invokes the flawed wood in his love seat and asks if her cheating could possibly be downgraded to minor imperfection status, but he tells her it's not that simple. She wails, "I just wanted to be honest with you!" and Aidan says he doubts he'll be able to get over this anytime soon and should probably be on his own for awhile. Carrie nods tearfully as he says, "I really love you" and stalks off. Yippee! Flee, Aidan! Flee! Miranda comes over with her concerned face on and tells Carrie she's needed for the wedding photos, and Carrie wipes away her tears and voice-overs about how hard it is to find people who love you, no matter how fat a liar and slutty a cheater you prove yourself to be. As the four gals pose for the camera, she smugly adds, "I was lucky enough to find three of them."

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