Sex and the City - Season 3, Episode 10

"Thanks for the nooner."

"All or Nothing"
Original airdate: 8/13/2000

Episode summary: Carrie and Big continue to hit the sheets while Aidan remains oblivious. Charlotte is reluctant to sign a prenup, and Miranda has phone sex with a fellow lawyer.

---

 Recap: Carrie smooches Aidan at his front door and gabbles at him about how she's leaving him to enjoy a night out with the gigolas, then hits the road. As she skips along the street, she voice-overs how lucky she is to have a great boyfriend and girlfriends to talk about him with...but then suddenly she clutches her temples and contorts her horsey face into an expression of anguish, and we get an icky flashback of her doinkfest with Big from the end of the previous episode. The flashback is a grisly montage of sweaty skin, her nails digging into his back, collective moaning, and the sound of a loud thumping heartbeat. Baboom...baboom... LOL. Consider me thoroughly titillated.

The gals are gathered at Samantha's ultra modern, meat packing district loft and gush about its awesomeness. Samantha raises her wine glass and bellows, "I've arrived!" and says she arranged to have everything delivered for this shindig: homemade baby quiche, a bottle of wine, dinner for four, and a DVD for them to watch later. She needlessly adds that she also got condoms delivered last night, and was able to somehow restrain herself from banging the condom deliverer. She pronounces that the four of them have it all - great jobs, great apartments, great friends, great sex - but then Charlotte throws a wet blanket on her joie de vie and primly says that none of it means anything unless you have someone to share it with. She says her life was never really complete until she met Trey, then says his mom is sooo great and squeals, "You'll meet her at the engagement party!" Samantha struts over to the window, sticks her head out and shrieks, "You see us, Manhattan?! We have it all!" and some guy off camera shouts, "Fuck you!" and she yells back, "You wish!" as if she'd really be above hopping into the sack with a complete stranger who yells fuck you! at women in neighboring buildings.

After the party, Carrie stays behind to help Samantha clean up and confess her Big sin. She insists that she and Big are not having an affair, and that it's never happening again...and by it's never happening again, she means it's about to happen again a few short scenes from now, as well as throughout most of the next episode. She wails, "I'm awful! I have this great boyfriend...what am I doing?!" and Samantha downplays the outright shittiness of Carrie cheating on Aidan and Big cheating on Natasha and casually says, "Nothing men haven't been doing for centuries." She asks if it was good, and Carrie has another sweaty skin/heart thumping flashback - baboom...baboom - and admits it was orgasmic 'cause she and Big have "this thing". She moans again about her wonderful boyfriend, and Samantha tells her to not beat herself up about it...'cause, according to her skewed logic, she's a free agent until Aidan officially tells her he loves her. Carrie says she doesn't want to be a free agent, then asks if she doesn't want to judge her just a little. Black pot wisely tells kettle, "Not my style" and gives her a wink.

"I had sex with my married ex."

"And this is a problem because..?"

Carrie rushes over to Aidan's apartment...and when he sleepily answers the door, she presses herself against him and coos about how much she missed him all evening. She then voice-overs that as long as she was in Aidan's presence, she'd be safe...and by safe she means that she's such a loose canon in this relationship that the only thing stopping her from calling Big for another romp is to physically be in the same room as Aidan. Unfortunately, however...  

Aidan leaves for Pennsylvania at dawn the following morning to deliver a hard-carved chair to a customer. Carrie whines about how she wants him to stay, but he says his customers really really want their chair and that he'll only be gone for a couple of days. He kisses her, says, "Be good" and drives off.

Samantha wakes up with the flu and the sun glaring in through the window...and when she tries to close her curtains, the entire rod comes crashing down. She tries phoning a few of her past johns - I mean lovers - to drop by and re-install the thing for her, but none of them has any interest in doing anything for Samantha unless there's a sexual favor in it for them. 

Charlotte and Trey are in the bridal registry department at Bergdorf Goodman, looking at china patterns. Charlotte picks out a designer set that costs $1,300, but when Trey sees the price tag he gasps and jokes about how far in debt he'll be if they go with that one...which is nonsensical, 'cause isn't he a doctor from a rich Connecticut family? When Charlotte puts her pouty face on, Trey gives in and says he's too crazy about her to not indulge her with whatever outrageously expensive dishware her heart desires. He gives her a quick smooch and says he needs to get back to the hospital...and Charlotte asks him if he completed his guest list for the engagement party. He says yes and hands her a wad of paper that sneakily includes a prenuptial agreement. When Charlotte asks whassup with him slipping her a prenup without warning, he tells her it's totally standard and that she should feel free to have her lawyer look it over. Charlotte stares back at him in mute bewilderment.

At lunch the next day, Miranda looks over the prenup and tells Charlotte it looks pretty normal. Charlotte hates the idea of having to sign it and says that marriage should only be about love, romance, and improving one's station in life - but Miranda argues that marriage is also about the merging and protection of assets, and that since half of all marriages end up in divorce (as Charlotte's eventually does, ironically enough), prenups are a necessity. Miranda then notices a weird clause in the prenup: for every five years Charlotte and Trey are married, she will receive a percentage of $500,000 in the event of a divorce. Charlotte sadly pouts, "I'm only worth $500,000?" No, dumbass - you're only worth a percentage of $500,000. Miranda clarifies that the full $500,000 would only be redeemable if she divorces after thirty years of marriage. She continues reading the document and informs Charlotte that she'd also get an extra $100,000 for every boy she and Trey have together, but zero dollars for girls. Carrie calls that "bad business" and Charlotte whines that she can't possibly sign such a horrible agreement. Miranda tells her the thing is probably open for negotiation, but Charlotte wails, "I can't negotiate! I can't even buy stuff on sale!" so Miranda advises her to sort it out with Trey. She's suddenly interrupted by a cute man passing by their table in the restaurant...and blushingly introduces him to the gals as George, a lawyer from her firm's Chicago office. Apparently, the two are getting together for dinner tomorrow night and have developed quite the flirty rapport. 

Twenty-four hours later, Samantha is still sick with the flu and can't convince any of her former fuck buddies to come over and hang up her curtain rod. 

Carrie does her best to keep her mind free of Big thoughts by cleaning out her closet and rearranging her shoes...but she can't keep her brain from flashing back to the sweaty, heart thumping doinkfest. She pulls out her emergency pack of cigarettes from inside a shoe, then puffs away while tapping at her computer. She gabbles to herself about how spoiled women have become by all the choices available to them...and then rambles some nonsense about how choosing one thing - a man, an apartment, a job - means that all other options go away. She ponders that dicked-up mindset for few seconds, then types out: "Are we a generation of women who can’t choose just one from column A? Did we all have too much to handle...or was Samantha right? Can we have it all?"

Two hours later, she's still so distracted by thoughts of Big that she's no longer able to restrain herself from calling him. When she rings, he's once again being chauffeured in his black car...and when he hears her voice on the other end of the line, he flirtily asks, "So how are you?" She tells them they need to talk about what happened between them in the sack the other night, and he agrees and sexily coos, "It was pretty fucking amazing." She tells him they have to figure out a way to rise above the physical stuff...but - OMFG - in the very next scene they're rolling around in her bed, indulging in another illicit doink. As they soak in some post-coital afterglow, he tells her that they're going to need to get a hotel room next time 'cause he doesn't like having to smell Aidan's woodchips and Paco Rabanne scent on her sheets. Carrie weakly says there will be no next time...and by no next time, she means they're going to spend much of the following episode sexing it up in a variety of places [including Big's marital bed, which...gaaaaa! What monumental fucking assholes she and Big are]. She voice-overs that it all felt so easy and so good, and that she was "like the moth to the old flame". 

"You know what would make our affair even classier?"

"Getting laid in cheap motel rooms!"

Miranda and George are smooching at her front door until George pulls away and says he has to catch an 11pm flight back to Chicago. He says if they had more time he'd totally be into doing her...but they'll probably get the opportunity 'cause he travels back and forth a lot. He tells her, "In the meantime, there's always the phone" and promises to call her tomorrow night.

The next night, Miranda is wearing a ratty old t-shirt in bed...and she and George are on the phone, happily gabbling about all kinds of fun stuff. After two hours, the conversation takes a sexy turn, and the two get into some amorous verbal sexplay. And that's all I'm gonna to say 'bout that.

Carrie strips her bed to extract the stench of her ugly bumping with Big - just as Aidan returns to town. As he smooches her hello, she voice-overs that she was concerned that he'd be able to smell Big on her. Instead, Aidan hugs her and goes on about how much he missed her...then says he realized something while he was gone and solemnly pronounces, "I love you, Carrie." She stares back at him with a stricken look on her face and dutifully returns his I love you. He then picks her up and carries her over to the bed with no sheets...and as they start going at it, Carrie voice-overs about how awful, yet so good she felt.

Miranda is in the middle of phone-sexing with George when she gets interrupted by a call from Charlotte. Charlotte wails that Trey leaves everything prenup-related to his mother, so Miranda deduces that she'll need to negotiate directly with the old lady. She snaps, "This isn't a good time. I'll call you tomorrow" then tries to resume her phone sex...but, unfortunately, George has already blown his wad. But all is not lost, 'cause he seductively purrs, "Now we have to take care of you."

Carrie visits Samantha, who's still sick with the flu, and makes her a blechy sounding home remedy: cough syrup, Fanta soda, and ice. Carrie blends it all together while puffing on her stupid cigarette (which can't be good for Samantha's flu)...and Samantha is slumped beside her at the kitchen counter, tearfully moaning about how she should have gotten married, and how life means shit if you don't have a man to care about you. Carrie jokes about how the flu has turned Samantha into Charlotte, then helps her blow her nose as she wails, "We're all aloooooone!" Carrie hugs her and assures her they'll always have each other.

Three days later, the gals attend Charlotte's engagement party...and for some reason, Carrie has done up her hair in funny looking, lopsided Princess Leia buns. Miranda glances around the apartment with dismay at all the WASPy couples and says, "I can't believe Charlotte wants to be in this world. They're like Ken and Barbie cutouts." [Um, you've met Charlotte, right?] Charlotte and Trey amble over to greet the three gals and introduce them to Bunny...and a few minutes later, Trey and Bunny excuse themselves to go chat with the reverend before he hits the sauce too hard. Once they're out of earshot, Charlotte tells her friends she hasn't signed the prenup yet...and that she's so confused 'cause she really loves Trey, but feels like no one cares about her and thinks it's weird that she has to negotiate a thing like this. Miranda asks what Trey has to say about all this, and Charlotte says, "Nothing. He leaves it up to his mother." Samantha assures her she can totally take on an old woman who calls herself Bunny...but Charlotte scrunches her face unhappily and cries, "What should I doooo?!" Carrie says she'll have to figure out her gold digging on her own, and Miranda advises her to just do whatever feels right.

Charlotte finds Bunny in a quiet room, pouring herself a drink. She tells her she hasn't yet signed the prenup 'cause she has a problem with how much she's worth. Bunny coldly says, "I see" then tells her it's the standard amount, and the way it's always been done in the MacDougal family. Charlotte digs in and passively-aggressively tells her that the wedding arrangements haven't been finalized yet...and that Trey would be very disappointed if she backed out, and that he'd be deeply embarrassed by the New York Times announcement, since it'd be too late to cancel it. Bunny stonily asks, "What do you want?" and Charlotte replies, "I'm worth a million", which...LOL, not sure how she figures that. Bunny just stares at her mutely - until the scene cuts to Charlotte rushing back to the girls and exclaiming, "I did it!" and says she re-negotiated the prenup so she can bag herself a million bucks if things don't work out (which, conveniently, they don't) and insists that she really really loves Trey. And I'm totally sure she'd love him just as much if he were a garbage collector.

"I'm worth a cool million."

"You're barely worth a roll of quarters."

After the party, the gals (minus Charlotte) amble down the street together. Samantha shakes her head in disbelief and says, "I can't believe she's marrying that guy" and Miranda adds, "And for about a tenth of what she’s worth." Please. The I'm worth a million pronouncement was ridiculous enough for one evening.

Carrie is hanging with Aidan at her apartment and proudly voice-overs that she finally kicked her Big addiction...but a few seconds later, the phone rings and it's - guess who?! Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Big tells her he's downstairs, so Carrie abruptly hangs up, pretends to Aidan that she's suddenly dying to take Pete for a walk, and rushes out with the poor dog. She snarks at Big for coming to her house and says he can't do this to her anymore. Big tells her he's going to tell his wife it's over, and Carrie's all, "Nooooo!" and says she has a man who loves her and that he has a wife who loves him. As she continues to natter at him, she forgets about Pete and lets go of his leash...and the pooch makes a break for it and starts fleeing down the sidewalk. After some more tedious back and forth with Big, Carrie finally fucking realizes that Aidan's beloved pet has flown the coop and shrieks, "Shit!" She races after him in her short shorts and stupid stiletto heels and nearly gets hit by a cab...then screams at Big to go home and not tell his wife shit about his philandering.

Miranda is getting all into another phone sex session with George when they're interrupted by a call on his end. When he resumes their verbal doinking, he's suddenly thrusting...Miranda scrunches her face in confusion and is like, "Whoa, you weren't thrusting yet" then suddenly looks appalled and asks him if he's stepping out on her by having simultaneous phone sex with other people. George meekly points out that they never said this was an exclusive thing, and Miranda's like, "OMG!" and slams the phone down.

Three hours later, Carrie is walking the streets aimlessly, soaked by a sudden downpour...yet is somehow able to light up a cigarette and puff away while looking sad and lost. She returns to the apartment, ready to come clean to Aidan about her cheating, and - oh yeah - tell him she lost his much loved dog. When she walks through the door, Aidan says he was worried about her and rushes to the bathroom to get her a towel. Carrie is stunned to see Pete lounging on the floor and cries to Aidan about how she lost him and pretended to look everywhere. She coaxes Pete to come over to her, but he just glares at her from across the room and refuses to budge.

"C'mere Pete! C'mere boy!"

"Fuck you, skank."

Carrie cries, "I'm awful!" and Aidan assures her it's all good, 'cause Pete found his way back [to her building, somehow let himself in the front door, and ended up in the right apartment]. Aidan puts his solemn face on and says he wants to ask her something...then prefaces it by saying he knew she was shitting him when she acted all eager to take Pete for walk, 'cause he knows that dog walking isn't high on her list of fun things to do. He says he can "smell something" - her phony bullshit? Big's cologne? - then asks, "Are you cheating?" ... and she stares at him tearfully, but then perks up when he adds, "I can smell the smoke on you. Are you smoking again?" Carrie nods and admits she is...but decides to leave out the part about how she's sleeping with her ex-boyfriend...and when he asks her if she's planning on quitting, she squeaks, "I really want to" and the two hug.

Asshole.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---