Recap: Carrie kicks off Season 2 by sadly moaning about her breakup with Mr. Big. She pronounces: "When you live on a tiny island like Manhattan, the odds of running into the person who broke your heart are incredibly high". We then see Carrie strolling along the street, puffing on a cigarette as she voice-overs, "And when you look like shit, the odds are even higher." She spots Mr. Big and starts to wig out...but when she takes a second look, she realizes she was just hallucinating and that the guy she thought was Big doesn't even remotely resemble him. She then bellyaches about how certain locations at certain times of day are off-limits, and describes Manhattan as "a deserted battlefield, loaded with emotional landmines" and that "you have to be very careful where you step, or you could be blown to pieces". She is really over-thinking this breakup. Carrie's in her apartment, still puffing away on her cigarette, when Miranda and Charlotte come over to take her out for a day of fun. Carrie agrees - but only if it's someplace she could never run into Mr. Big. Miranda looks annoyed and asks, "When are you going to be out of this hostage situation?" - hee! - and Charlotte chides her for saying that, since it's only been a month since Carrie and Big broke up. By Charlotte's estimation, Carrie is entitled to a six month period (half the time of the relationship) to grieve the breakup. Miranda rolls her eyes and advises Carrie to cut her losses and get back in the dating game, and urges her to take a page out of her book. Two years ago, she got dumped by some guy named Eric, who left her for another woman...but she refused to indulge in endless self-pity over the split. Carrie mulls that over as she puts on her dressiest hooker-wear - a skimpy dress and her tacky fur coat - and off the three of them go. On the street, Carrie bitterly gabbles about how if Big had any class he'd leave New York 'cause she was here first. Miranda reminds her that she was the one who broke up with him, then says she's giving him way too much power by continually nattering on and on about him. They hail a cab and head over to Samantha's building - and we see that she's smooching her tiny-penised boyfriend, James. I'm surprised that's still going on. As Samantha climbs into the cab, James tells the gals not to let anything bad happen to the slut...I mean, his princess, then gives her a goodbye kiss. As they drive off, Charlotte remarks that things seem to be going well for them, but Samantha contorts her face in disgust and makes a snarky remark about his slim dick. Apparently, she still hasn't accepted his shortcomings, even after two months of dating. A $55 cab ride later (have these people never heard of the subway?) they arrive at Yankee Stadium. Miranda, who's really into baseball, tells the others that The New Yankee is coming up to the plate...but they don't give a shit, and lazily lounge in their nosebleed seats as they drink beer and scarf down hot dogs. Samantha rants about how everything sucks: their seats, her hot dog...her life. Charlotte reminds her that she's with a man who really loves her, but Samantha says it's clear they're not understanding the seriousness of her situation. She pulls her tiny hot dog out of its bun, waves it in front of Carrie's face, and barks, "How would you like to make love to this every night?!" Miranda, meanwhile, is bellowing at The New Yankee and spouting statistics about him, which no one cares about. Carrie goes over her own dismal statistics: countless dates and one night stands, and a shittastic sex column...and she really has nothing to show for herself. Well, d'yuh. Suddenly, The New Yankee hits a foul ball, which flies in the direction of where they're sitting - and Carrie snatches it up when it lands on the floor near her seat. After the game, the gals wait by the men's locker room so that Carrie - who, by this time, is a little drunk - can get her baseball signed by The New Yankee. When he emerges from the locker room, Miranda gushes about what a UGE Yankee fan she is, then explains that her friend caught his foul ball and she'd like him to sign it. He smiles pleasantly and says, "No problem" and Carrie fishes it out of the pocket of her tacky fur coat. He asks her if she too is a baseball fan, and she sassily says she really just came for the beer, then describes the sport as "a little dull". He asks her what she does, and Charlotte and Samantha interject and inform him that she writes a sex column. He's like, "Er...OK", signs the ball and hands it back to Carrie - and she thanks him and drunkenly bellows, "Woooo!"
As The New Yankee saunters off, Carrie decides she'd like to invite him to the upcoming Dolce & Gabbana party. Miranda's all, "Wuh?!" and tries to prevent her from potentially making a giant ass of herself - but Carrie's already running after him screeching, "Yankee! Yankee!" Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha watch in fascination as Carrie asks out The New Yankee, and seem mystified when she makes her triumphant return to where they're standing and announces that, as hard as it to comprehend why a baseball player would agree to go out with a cheap looking skank such as herself, he said yes! A bewildered Miranda exclaims, "Nobody rebounds with The New Yankee!" to which Carrie replies, "Well, maybe I'm The New Carrie." Samantha, meanwhile, is standing in front of the locker room door, hungrily staring inside so she can get an eyeful of the generously endowed, naked ball players. One of the players gives her a funny look and goes, "Can I help you?" but she just continues to stand there, mutely transfixed. Carrie's in her apartment, tapping away on her computer, shaking her head back and forth ever so slightly as she concentrates very hard on the next installment of her shittastic column. She recalls what Charlotte said about it being OK to get over your ex in a slow, painful manner...then wonders if it's a better approach to ignore the bad feelings and throw oneself back in the game. She types "what are the breakup rules?" and then stares into space as she contemplatively mulls over the geniusness of her musings. On Friday night, Carrie rushes around her apartment as she gets ready for the Dolce & Gabbana party with The New Yankee, whose name we learn is Joe. As she reaches for a necklace, she spots a photo of her and Mr. Big lying on the floor and picks it up and sadly voice-overs, "I thought I had destroyed all the evidence." She promptly makes up her first official breakup rule: destroy all photographs where Big looks sexy, and she looks happy. Why not just destroy them all, regardless? Charlotte and her date, Paul Erickson, are at the party with Carrie and Joe...and all four are hanging out, chit-chatting. Carrie voice-overs that Paul is the perfect match for Charlotte, except for one minor snag: he likes to adjust his crotch in public (and then demonstrates the behavior). Carrie glances around the room and thinks she sees Mr. Big again...but it ends up being another guy who doesn't remotely resemble him.
Carrie voice-overs that when Big didn't make an appearance at the party (like I guess she was expecting), she decided to "make the best of it" and get to know Joe. As the two walk along the street, he tells her he had fun at the party and refers to it as "kinda cool"...and when she chuckles at his succinctness, he leans in and the two start smooching on the street. Run, Joe. Ruuuunnnnnn!!!!! The next morning, the gals gather together for breakfast at a diner. Charlotte excitedly squeals to Carrie that there's a photo of her and Joe on Page Six, and Samantha points out that Mr. Big is sure to see it and note how hot she was looking in her slinky blue dress and die. Miranda tries to get everyone interested in her new palm pilot, but they don't care and continue to talk about how Big's going to die when he sees how fabulous Carrie is looking. Miranda irritably asks why they're still talking about this and snaps, "He's out of the picture. It's over. Let's talk about something else." Amen to that. They all murmur, "OK" but then no one can think of anything to talk about that doesn't involve men or penises. After a few awkward seconds of silence, Charlotte blurts out, "I have a problem with my boyfriend" and a fed up Miranda throws down her napkin and leaves the table to go pay the check. Charlotte tells Samantha and Carrie that Paul is constantly touching his balls, so Samantha asks her if he has low hangers, and Charlotte just stares back at her blankly and says she has no idea. Samantha is aghast and in utter disbelief that she has been dating him for three weeks and hasn't yet gotten an eyeful of his gonads. She snaps, "Come on! Get with the program!" When Miranda returns to the table, Carrie informs her that they're now talking about Charlotte's boyfriend's low-hanging balls, and Miranda says, "OK, that's it. I'm outta here. All we talk about anymore is Big or balls or small dicks. How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?!" She wonders what happened to them. What they think and feel. She barks, "Give me a call when you're ready to talk about something else besides men!" and storms off. That was weird. It's like she suddenly forgot the basic premise of Sex and the City.
Samantha and James are going at it in bed. She barks, "Really give it to me!" and he dumbly nods and thrusts while she bellows, "Fuck me, you hot stud!" Despite his best efforts, there's just no getting around the reality that his penis is just too teeny tiny to ever satisfy Samantha. She finally throws in the towel and reaches for her vibrator, and James is all, "Wuh?!" and looks insulted. Charlotte and Paul are at her apartment, making out. She presents him with a gift from Barneys: briefs with extra support. Paul looks disgusted and snaps, "We haven't even made love yet and you're out shopping for me? Slow down!" Charlotte tries to explain why she made the purchase, but is unable to tell him that she can no longer bear the sight of him adjusting his balls in public. Paul barks, "It's way too fast!" and breaks it off with Charlotte right then and there. What a rude dickwad. Miranda's ambling around Manhattan, looking grisly in shapeless overalls. She spots her ex-boyfriend, Eric Asshole, walking hand in hand with the woman he dumped her for...and she wigs out and runs away with her arms flailing about. Carrie and Joe are out at a bar...and as she glances around the room, she spots Big. For real this time. He sees her staring over at him with her beady little eyes...and as he walks over, Carrie voice-overs that she was proud to run into him while she was looking so hot, and on the arm of The New Yankee. Big's like, "Hey, how's it going?" and the two have a pleasant but awkward chat - and when she starts to introduce him to Joe, he says he knows who he is and politely wishes the ball player good luck with the upcoming season. He tells Carrie he saw her photo on Page Six, then leans in and whispers, "You never looked better." He pats her on the shoulder, and we hear a baboom-baboom sound, which I guess is supposed to be her heart racing. Big bids Carrie and her beau adieu and casually saunters off, leaving Carrie staring mournfully after him. Clueless Joe asks her if she'd like another round of drinks, and she mutely nods.
Joe and Carrie leave the bar and stroll along the street together. He invites her to go to another nearby bar where his buddies are currently hanging out, then leans in and kisses her - but she pushes him away and tearfully whimpers, "I can't. I'm not ready" and incoherently stammers, "That guy in the bar...that suit guy. Uh, I'd better go." Joe's like, "Huh?" and offers to take her home, but she says she's just going to get a cab and that he should leave. When he just continues to stand there, staring at her in bewilderment, she snaps, "All right, then. I'll go." What a rude fucking fucktard this woman is. Carrie makes a beeline over to the nearest pay phone and says to whoever she's talking to that she knows how weird things are between them at the moment, but could they meet up at their place in fifteen minutes? In the next scene, Carrie enters a diner and we see that Miranda is sitting there. Carrie sits across from her and wails, "I know you want me to be over Big!" but Miranda interjects, admits to being an insensitive jerk, and says, "It's my stuff. It's not you." She explains that she recently saw Eric and his girlfriend, and had a freakout and looked really dorky as she ran off...and says she's still hurt by the dumping even though it happened two years ago. She urges Carrie to take all the time she needs to get over her obnoxious Big fixation...and then the two eat, drink, and pretend to be merry. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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