Sex and the City - Season 1, Episode 9

"I can't believe I wasted the last
forty-eight hours of my life on
you."

"The Turtle and the Hare"
Original airdate: 8/2/1998

Episode summary: Carrie is distraught when Mr. Big tells her he has no desire to get married again. Samantha tries to transform a dorky loser into a dateable man. Charlotte gets addicted to her new vibrator, The Rabbit.

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Recap: Carrie voice-overs, "In a city of perfect people, there was no one more perfect than Brooke"...Brooke being an attractive, successful interior designer who exclusively dates A-list guys. We then get footage of Brooke out on the town, getting in and out of limos with various gorgeous men while looking glamorous and smug about her fabulousness. Eventually she decided to settle down...and, naturally, the Sex and the City gals were anxious to see who made the cut. They're mystified when the groom turns out to be a balding dork who Brooke once referred to as "more boring than exposed brick". Brooke and her dork throw themselves a lavish, 100K wedding and invite everyone in Manhattan who's considered rich and high society...and, for some reason, include Carrie and her three slutty friends on the guest list.

The gals get stuck at the least desirable singles' table with a balding dork (not to be confused with the groom) who Carrie dubs "The Turtle" and says was known for good investments but bad breath. The Turtle is immediately wowed by Samantha, but she's so turned off by his bad breath and dorkiness that she rudely flees the table. He cluelessly sits beside Carrie and gushes, "Your friend is gorgeous!" and Carrie shoves flower petals up her nostrils to keep from having to smell his foul breath. 

As the evening wears on, The Turtle continues to make a nuisance of himself...and the gals get bored by the wedding festivities. When it's finally goodbye time, Brooke hugs them each of them. She excitedly tells Charlotte, "You're next! Alan has great single friends!" but then grimly confides to Carrie, "It's better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them." 

Later, Carrie's in her apartment, typing what Brooke just said to her. She voice-overs that people are always telling her things she doesn't want to hear, and thinks that Brooke's revelation "crossed the line". She calls up Mr. Big and asks, "Why do people get married if they're not in love?" and he's like, "I dunno. Companionship...guilt." She asks him why he got married, and he says, "I was a fool in love...then a fool in divorce court" and staunchly declares that he never ever wants to get married again. Ever. [Bwahahaha! In your face, Carrie!] Carrie's all, "Wha-a?" and asks him if he's currently in bed with someone (which was weird 'cause I thought they more or less decided to be exclusive), and he goes, "No. You?" and she quips, "Just three slices of wedding cake." After hanging up, a troubled looking Carrie ponders the notion/purpose/benefit of continuing to date a man who has zero desire to ever marry her. [Even though he does eventually marry her in the Sex and the City movie...and learned too late what it means to be saddled with a naggy, controlling, insecure shrill girl-child 24/7.]

"My next column is about people who get married, but aren't in love."

"You should write one about men who have sex with women they secretly can't stand."

"I'll take that as a helpful suggestion."

The next day, the gals are at lunch, analyzing Mr. Big's statement about never wanting to remarry. Miranda and Samantha aren't at all surprised, but Charlotte is aghast and thinks that being in a relationship with a man who refuses to make the ultimate commitment is a major bummer. Carrie wails, "I wasn't even thinking about marriage - but now it's all I can think about!" Samantha advises her to be cool about it, 'cause if Big thinks she's indifferent about the issue of marriage, it'll make her seem more attractive. Charlotte argues that a healthy relationship should be based on honesty and communication, and Samantha rolls her eyes and says that actually believing that at the age of thirty-two is just stupid. Carrie asks them if she should just ignore Big's declaration about marriage, and Samantha and Miranda (and me) bark, "Yes!" and then Miranda makes one of those dumb Sex and the City-type proclamations that the writers insist on slipping into their scripts: "What's the big deal? In fifty years, men will be obsolete anyway." She explains that women no longer need men to have kids or enjoy sex with...as she happily discovered the other night. Samantha cackles and says, "Sounds like someone just got her first vibrator!" and Miranda blushes and calls her new sex toy the ultimate and says she's in love. Charlotte shakes her head in dismay and says she finds this conversation sad [and deeply insulting to decent people everywhere]...and Carrie concurs. Miranda argues, "You haven't met The Rabbit" but Charlotte insists that a vibrating, inanimate object can't possibly replace a human male. Miranda smugly retorts, "I know where my next orgasm is coming from. Who here can say as much?" and Carrie and Charlotte stare sheepishly at the floor 'cause,  yeah, it's reasonable to dismiss all men as nothing more than deliverers of sexual pleasure to women.

The gals (sans Samantha) head over to the nearest sex store to check out The Rabbit. Carrie pulls the purple dong out of its packaging and examines it...and Charlotte squeezes it and squeals, "It's cute! Like Peter Rabbit!" and says she doesn't find it at all scary or weird.

"Ladies...I present you with The Rabbit."

"It's adorbs! But I still don't see how it could ever replace a man."

"Oh my! OK, now I do."

Carrie's in her apartment, assembling The Rabbit, when Samantha calls to tell her about her evening. She went out with Jerry, a guy she met at Brooke's wedding. He brought her to a swanky restaurant, then told her he knew from the moment he saw that they'd be having dinner together. She grins and replies, "Well aren't you cocky?" and he says, "I'm the sort of guy who sees something he likes" - then pauses to eye a pretty woman as she walks by - "and goes after it." Samantha smiles and coos, "You sound like my kinda guy" and he stares after the pretty woman and abruptly excuses himself. Several minutes later, Samantha decides to see what's keeping Jerry, so she heads toward the back of the bar and is dismayed to see him leaning against the wall, canoodling with the pretty woman. Samantha looks sad and dejected, then turns toward the exit - when suddenly The Turtle, who's sitting at a table alone, stands up and calls out, "Samantha!" He invites her to join him, then gushes about how great she looks. Samantha absorbs the much needed compliment, then decides to sit with him. He tells her he was just thinking about her and asks, "Hey, do you like my shirt?" and she makes a blech face and tells him his breath reeks. He explains that he's taking Chinese herbs so he'll live longer, so she tells him he may live longer, but he'll be living alone. Back to the phone call: Samantha tells Carrie that once she gets The Turtle's breath under control, she's going to help him shop for a whole new wardrobe. Later, Carrie mulls all this over and taps on her computer, "In a city with great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?" 

Carrie meets up with Brooke, who's back from her honeymoon. As she returns undesirable wedding gifts, she waxes on about how fabulous marriage is, and that an enormous weight has been lifted from her shoulders. Carrie says she's happy for her and Alan and all that, but can't help noticing that she doesn't seem genuinely happy. Brooke admits that she has, indeed, settled for a rich dorky guy in exchange for the security of marriage. A few seconds later, the two run into Samantha and The Turtle, who's stylishly dressed in Helmut Lang. Brooke gushes, "You look great!" and Samantha smugly calls him "a whole new person" then announces that they're off to get him a facial. Brooke stares after them and remarks that Samantha seems really happy, which prompts Carrie to wonder if everyone in Manhattan is settling. No, Carrie. Not everyone in Manhattan is settling just 'cause two of your shallowest, most insecure friends hooked up with balding dorks.

Carrie and Charlotte are in a torture yoga class, sitting on the floor as they stretch and pull on each other's arms. Charlotte quietly exclaims, "I broke my vagina!" and Carrie apologizes for stretching her too hard. Ew. Charlotte explains that The Rabbit was the thing that broke her vagina, and she's afraid that if she keeps masturbating with the purple vibrator, she'll never be able to enjoy sex with a man again. She says she's able to climax with The Rabbit every time, then widens her eyes and over-shares, "Once I came for five minutes!" Carrie refrains from calling her out on that completely implausible bullshit and suggests she find a way to enjoy sex with men and The Rabbit. Charlotte makes a face and goes, "Noooo" and insists she's done with the vibrator...then, in the next breath, tells Carrie she's cancelling on the ballet tonight 'cause she's, uh, expecting a long distance call. Carrie eyes her suspiciously, but doesn't call her out on the obvious fib. 

"Last night I climaxed for five whole minutes!"

"Congratulations! What's his name?"

"It's not so much a him as a rubbery it."

Carrie ends up taking Stanford Blatch to the ballet...and after the performance she happily twirls along the street while gushing about how much she loves Sleeping Beauty. Stanford grumbles that he's had it with the gay scene and complains that it's too competitive. Case in point: he recently placed a personal ad in the paper and was standing on the street, waiting to meet the only guy who answered it. The guy arrived twenty minutes late, gave Stanford a disdainful once-over, then backed away, said, "Sorry, it's not going to happen" and rushed off. Ouch. Stanford moans, "It's so brutal out there!" and says that fifteen years of rejection is no longer a phase; it's a lifestyle. He says he should probably just get married so he can collect his inheritance, then explains that his rich grandmother gives each grandchild a big pile of cash when they wed. When Carrie points out the obvious, he says, "She doesn't believe in gay." Carrie jokingly suggests he propose to her, since Mr. Big is never going to, and Stanford's like, "Hey, that's actually a good idea!" 

Carrie's in bed, post coitus, with Mr. Big. She tells him she received a marriage proposal last night from a handsome, witty man - Stanford Blatch - who's about to come into his inheritance. Big furrows his brows and goes, "I thought he was gay" and Carrie's like, "Well, d'yuh." Big asks her what she plans to do about sex, and she lights up a cigarette, takes a puff, and saucily replies, "I have you." He chuckles and looks as though he's thinking it's actually not that bad of an arrangement for himself, then says, "I guess you've got it all figured out."

​Carrie's about to leave her apartment to meet up with Miranda and Charlotte at a gallery opening in Chelsea when she gets a call from Charlotte, who says she has to cancel. The camera then pans over to Charlotte, who's lounging on her bed, clearly enjoying the effects of afterglow from The Rabbit. She tells Carrie she's too wiped out to leave the house, and Carrie voice-overs that she knew this was code for I'm spending the night with my vibrator. In the next scene, she and Miranda march over to Charlotte's apartment for A Rabbit Intervention, and burst in and confiscate the sex toy. Charlotte blames Miranda for her five minute orgasm addiction, since she's the one who urged her to buy The Rabbit...and Miranda goes, "I thought you could handle it." Charlotte says she'd much rather stay home with The Rabbit than go out and deal with men...then realizes how crazy that sounds and hands over her vibrator to Miranda, who shoves it in her purse. Ick. I hope it's been sterilized since her last use.

"The Rabbit just made me come for, like, twenty minutes. I can barely walk!"

"That sounds implausible, even for this show."

Samantha and The Turtle are at a restaurant together, and he's examining the mushrooms in his pasta, trying very hard to figure out exactly which kind of mushrooms they are. Samantha gets annoyed and says, "Maybe it doesn't matter", but when he continues to scrutinize the mushroom on his raised fork, she throws in the towel and concedes that he's always just going to be a turtle in a designer outfit. She tells him she doesn't feel well and is going home, then unconvincingly says, "I'll call you." The Turtle, who's at least smart enough to get that this is the last he'll ever see of Samantha, starts flirting with the women seated next to him.

Stanford brings Carrie to visit his grandmother at her lavish estate. Grandma Blatch is decked out in a lovely Chanel suit, which she and Carrie agree will never go out of style. Carrie tells her she's a columnist, blah blah...and Grandma Blatch says she gave up her writing career to raise her children. She asks Carrie if she wants to have a family, and after a few seconds of careful thought, Carrie says she definitely does. Grandma Blatch sends Stanford to another room to get some matches, then tells Carrie she loves Stanford but grimly adds, "But he is a fruit." Er...OK. I guess that means no inheritance for Stanny. 

Carrie and Big are making dinner at his apartment. She tells him she definitely wants to get married someday - not today, but someday - then asks, "What's the point of dating, otherwise?" Big motions toward the tomato sauce he's stirring and says something like, "It's all in the timing...when you add each ingredient. Know what I mean?" When she just stares back at him blankly, he says, "I thought we were having fun." Carrie nods and grins at him, then voice-overs that she suddenly decided to live in the moment and not worry so much about the future...and then she and Big start making out - just in time for the credits to start rolling.

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