Sex and the City - Season 1, Episode 8

"Maybe my friends would want to fuck me
if I didn't wear such ugly man clothes."

"Three's a Crowd"
Original airdate: 7/26/1998

Episode summary: Carrie gets wigged out when she learns that Mr. Big has an ex-wife, and Charlotte's boyfriend announces that he wants a threesome.

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Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how a young woman from Manhattan had just fallen in love...and the camera quickly pans over to Charlotte, who meets Jack at a black tie benefit for Epstein-Barr. After hitting it off immediately, the two were inseparable over the next several weeks...attending fundraisers for various other ailments and entering rollerblading races together. Carrie gushingly voice-overs, "Jack was perfect for her: architect, philanthropist, amazing sex." As Charlotte and Jack lay in bed one night, he asks about her fantasies, and Charlotte interprets the question in the vein of what are your hopes and dreams? so she tells him she'd love to own her own gallery and buy a little cottage in Maine. Jack chuckles and tells her he was thinking more along the lines of "screwing in a plane's lavatory" 'cause clearly he's a classy guy. Charlotte mulls that over and says she's always wanted to do it in her parent's bed, and Jack tries not to roll his eyes at the lameness of her odd fantasy and murmurs, "Wild.." then tells her his fantasy: "You, me, and another woman." Charlotte looks appalled and shrieks, "Jack!" but he insists he's totally serious, waxes on about how super sexy she is, then says the mere thought of her touching another woman gives him a stiffy.

Over lunch, Charlotte tells the gals that Jack wants to have a threesome...and an unfazed Samantha nods and says, "Of course he does. They're huge right now. They're the blow job of the '90s." Well...I guess she'd know. Miranda warns Charlotte not to let herself be pressured into a threesome, 'cause it might just be a cheap ploy for Jack to watch her be a lesbian for a night. Samantha says, "Don't knock it 'til you try it" and tells Charlotte that the best way to indulge in a threesome is to be the guest star, then says, "That way you can have great sex without worrying about what it will do to your relationship." When Charlotte points out that to Samantha that she doesn't actually have relationships, Samantha cackles, "That's why I have great sex!" She advises against including a friend in the threesome, but Charlotte argues that she'd feel safer with someone she trusts - like Carrie, for example. Carrie says that while she's flattered to be considered, Samantha would be a much better choice 'cause of all her experience in the sack. Miranda just stares back at the three of them, insulted that none of them mentioned wanting her to be included in their three-ways. She petulantly snarks, "I'd do it with you!" 

"Jack wants us to have three-way sex."

"You're so sexy I'd guest star in your three-way in a New York minute.."

"I'm available for a mercy fuck - if anyone cares."

Carrie's in her apartment, tapping away on her computer as she ponders the notion of the threesome. She types, "Were threesomes the new sexual frontier?" and remarks that wherever she looked now, everything seemed to come in threes! We then get some carefully contrived footage of three people riding a tandem bicycle (didn't know they made those for three), a guy walking three dogs, and three old people strolling together in Central Park. As Carrie continues to tap out her nonsense, lightly shaking her head from side to side to demonstrate how deeply she's pondering this shit, she writes, "Maybe threesomes were the relationships of the future." Or maybe they're not. Maybe not everyone in Manhattan is hooking up in threes just 'cause you and your slutty friends had a conversation at lunch about it.

Samantha's bumping uglies with some married guy named Ken. When they climax and collapse on the bed, sweaty and exhausted, Ken lets out a satisfied, "Woo!" and declares, "I love that you're not my wife" and Samantha wryly replies, "I love that too." He sighs happily and says he loves "that thing you do with your hips" and complains about how his frigid wife won't even get on top. We then hear Carrie voice-over about how Ken was an unhappily married man, and that his affair with Samantha was the most exciting thing to happen in his life in a long time. He should probably  just get out more.

After a fabulous evening of "dancing for dyslexia", Charlotte and Jack retreat to a bar for a nightcap. He starts harping about his three-way fantasy again, then points out an Asian woman and asks Charlotte if she thinks she's hot. Charlotte prudishly exclaims, "Jack!" so he motions toward a woman who's standing behind him and says that she's probably more her taste. A blonde woman suddenly comes over and asks Charlotte if she has a light, and Charlotte politely tells her she doesn't smoke. The blonde gives her an appreciative once-over, says, "That's a shame", and sashays off. Jack's all, "Oooh! She was flirting with you!" then feeds her some nonsense about how she's constantly giving off a sexual vibe, and looks as though she has a fire burning inside of her all the time. Charlotte smiles mischievously and says, "I think she put her hand on my leg." Jack and his penis immediately perk up, and he asks her if he should go ask the blonde woman to join them...and Charlotte just eyes him sexily but doesn't answer. I fucking hate it when TV characters don't answer a direct question, and instead stare mutely at the person asking the question while the scene fades out.

"Look around and see if there's a woman who's hot enough to be in our threesome."

"Did someone just say threesome?"

"Mmm...how you doin'?"

Later that night, Charlotte had "an eye opening experience". She wanders into a room where Jack is getting it on with the blonde woman, and when the two notice Charlotte walking toward them, they both reach out to her invitingly. At that moment, the alarm goes off - it was all a dream! - and Charlotte wakes up with a happy smile.

Miranda was apparently so troubled that none of her friends wanted to include her in their imaginary three-ways, that she's seeking counselling from a therapist. What an insecure moron. She's telling her therapist about the dream she just had: she's in a sandbox with Carrie, Charlotte, and Samantha - and none of them will play with her. The therapist asks her what she thinks it means, and she rolls her eyes and says, "Please. It's obvious" then admits she knows it's juvenile to be insulted over something so stupefyingly inane, even for this show. The therapist wonders aloud if she's attracted to her girlfriends, and Miranda wails, "No! But if your friends won't go down on you - who will?" I hope to hell this therapist is overcharging the shit out of her.  

Carrie and Charlotte are walking down the street together, discussing Charlotte's threesome dream. She says it was so real, and that she's pretty sure she enjoyed the three-way sex. Carrie says that dreams are a good way to experiment, then likens sex dreams to "buying a dress and keeping the tags on". Charlotte asks her if she thinks this means she should go through with the threesome, then mentions the bullcack line Jack fed her about how she has a fire burning inside of her all the time. Carrie says it's her call, but that she shouldn't just do it just to make Jack happy. Charlotte argues that it could bring them closer together, so Carrie points out how boneheaded it is that she's thinking of sleeping with a stranger to get closer to Jack. Charlotte retorts, "But how well do we ever know the people we sleep with?" Let's see...if we're talking about women who indiscriminately hope into bed with every loser they ever rub up against, I'm guessing not very well. Carrie marvels about how "right on" on that statement was, and compares Charlotte's profound insights to the wisdom of the Dalai Lama.

Carrie buys herself a copy of the Village Voice and wonders, "If Charlotte was actually considering a threesome, who wasn't?" Millions, surely. She browses through the classifieds of the paper and notices that the Voice has more ads looking for threesomes than it did apartment rentals. Carrie's all, "Wha-a? Who actually answers these ads?" and to answer that question, we get a series of awful testimonials from awful, random people on the street. The most charming of the group tells viewers he's "a Wall Street honcho who's seeking two women for South Hampton fuckfest" then specifies, "No fatties." 

Carrie voice-overs that unlike all the kinky people in Manhattan indulging in threesome orgies, she and Mr. Big had settled into monogamous domesticity. Case in point: she's over at his apartment one morning, helping him pick a tie. He asks her if she's available for a nooner later, but she declines and says she interviewing someone about threesomes. She then asks him if he's ever had one, and he goes, "Sure. Who hasn't?" Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" so he explains that he had a threesome once when he was married...and Carrie's all "Wha-a?! You were married?"

Carrie tells Miranda and Samantha that Big has an ex-wife with whom he used to have wild sex. The two of them, on the other hand, don't have wild sex - they have sweet sex. Gross - even that is too much information. Samantha chimes in to needlessly announce that Ken is fucking her because his wife won't even give him a blow job, and Miranda warns her that Ken is probably never going to leave his wife for her. (Um, has she met Samantha?) The two then urge Carrie to sneakily check out the ex-Mrs. Big 'cause, yeah, that's something a mature person who's secure in her relationship would want to spend her time doing. Not surprisingly, Carrie puts on her serious face as she mulls over that idea.

Carrie is strutting down the street, voice-overing about how on-the-nose Charlotte was when she said, "We don't really know the people we sleep with." She then wonders what she really knows about Mr. Big - except that he has an ex-wife named Barbara who's an editor in a publishing house...which, of course, is where Carrie is headed right now. Her plan is to get some face-to-face time with Barbara by pitching a steamy, bodice-ripping romance novel she's sure to reject. After a few minutes of waiting, Carrie is ushered in to see Barbara - and she's a gregarious, stylishly attractive brunette who gushes to Carrie about what a huge fan she is of her shittastic column. A dismayed Carrie voice-overs, "Good taste and beautiful - could it get worse?" Barbara tells her she's dying to hear her pitch, then says she had no idea she was into writing children's books. Carrie suddenly looks bewildered and tells viewers that since she had no idea Barbara exclusively published children's books, she had no choice but to pull a pitch out of her ass. She tells Barbara that her story is about a little girl named Cathy - then glances over at her purse and sees her package of smokes - who has magic cigarettes. Barbara looks at her like she's nuts and goes, "You want to write a children's book about smoking?" so Carrie "elaborates" and says that whenever little Cathy lights up a cigarette, she's able to travel anywhere in the world. She quickly adds that it's really a children's book for adults. Barbara chuckles with delight, calls her stupid idea outrageous and says she loves it. Carrie voice-overs that that was the last straw: "She was smart, beautiful, and she got me. I'd have to kill her." Or you can just focus on living your own life and not bother a busy editor at her place of business.

"Let's see...it's a children's book for adults...about a messed up little whore named Crackhead Cathy."

"Seriously? You interrupted my busy work day to pitch a dumbass idea like that?"

Samantha bumps into Ken and his wife, Ruth, while she's out shopping. Ken awkwardly introduces the two women to each other...and when Ruth begins to put two and two together, Ken quickly hustles her out of there. 

Miranda's having another therapy session, once again babbling about her sandbox dream. I can't believe this is even a sub-plot. The therapist says he thinks she's upset about being sexually rejected by her friends, but Miranda rejects that theory and asks him if he'd be into the idea of having a threesome with her. He stares back at her grimly and says they should probably explore why she's asking him that, and Miranda says, "I'll take that as a no." As I'm sure it was meant.

Carrie and Mr. Big are in his bed, getting it on. She hallucinates that Barbara is in bed with them, showing Carrie how best to excite Big...and she gets so weirded out by the voices in her head that she quietly lays down on her side, her back facing Big. He scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "What just happened? Where did you go?" She tells him she's preoccupied with her column, and he rolls his eyes at the obvious fib and explains that he was married a long time ago and doesn't want to talk about the past. He then spoons her, and Carrie imagines that Barbara is spooning along with them.

The next day, Barbara asks Carrie to lunch - God knows why - and the two meet in a swanky restaurant. She tells Carrie that her boss didn't go for the Cathy/cigarettes book - shocker - but says that she still loves the project. She adds, "I'd like it if we became friends" and the two linger at the restaurant for several hours, sipping wine. Barbara tells her she was married once, and that her shitty husband had a wandering eye...which wandered right over to her best friend. Yikes. She then asks Carrie if she's seeing anyone, but Carrie just waves her hand in the air and says, "No one special."

Ken calls up Samantha and excitedly declares, "It's over! I told my wife!" and Samantha looks horrified and goes, "Who is this?" LOL. Ken tells her he loves her, and that they can be together and have awesome, guilt-free sex all the time now. Samantha panics and murmurs, "No no no no no no!" just as she gets an incoming call from Ruth, who wails, "Ken and I love each other very much!" and insists that their marital bond is unshakable. Samantha assures her that their affair didn't mean anything; it was just sex...so Ruth tells her she'll reluctantly agree to a threesome, if it'll save her marriage. Samantha looks icked out at the prospect.

Charlotte and Jack are at an ADD masquerade ball. Once again, Jack gets all pushy about choosing a guest star for their threesome and asks Charlotte if she sees anyone at the party who's her type. Charlotte obediently scans the room and starts eyeing a pretty blonde woman who eyes her back. Charlotte musters up her courage and winks at the woman...and when the woman winks back, Charlotte excitedly tells Jack, "OMG! She winked back!" then flees upstairs to the nearest bedroom. Jack follows her and asks her if she's OK, and she nods and admits she's a little weirded out by this tedious threesome storyline. She tells him about another fantasy she's always had: to do it upstairs at a party. How lovely for the homeowners, and the occupant of that bedroom who's going to have to launder the sheets. As the two start kissing, the blonde woman Charlotte winked at enters the room and asks if she can join them. Charlotte and Jack nod, and the three sit on the bed together. Blondie and Jack lean behind Charlotte and kiss...then start getting it on so feverishly that Charlotte gets edged out of the action and tumbles off the bed. She gets up, looking bewildered and pouty, then stalks out of the room.

A dolled up Miranda enters a downtown bar and sits at a table across from a couple. The woman looks Miranda over and blurts out, "What a relief!" and says that most of the women who answered their ad were grisly uggos, "Nothing like you!" Miranda too looks relieved and gratefully replies, "Thanks." The couple tells her they've never done anything like this before, and the man asks her if she's busy tonight. Miranda says she wants to be clear about what they're talking about and asks, "So...you're saying you want to do a threesome with me?" The two eagerly nod, and Miranda happily grins and says she has to make a quick phone call...then quietly slips out of the bar while they're not looking. She strides down the street, smug about finally getting her much needed validation...clearly unconcerned with the two people she so dickishly deceived and abandoned inside the bar.

"Do you think I'm beautiful?"

"Let's just say you're a lot better looking than the Elephant Man."

Carrie and Mr. Big get together after spending eight days apart. As they stroll down the street together, Carrie tells him she's still really thrown about him having an ex-wife, along with the "big bomb" he dropped about having a threesome. She asks him why they split up, so he says, "Because I cheated on her" and she goes, "I know" and he goes, "I know you know." Heh. Apparently, he and Barbara still keep in touch, and she told him all about her lunch date with Carrie Bradshaw. Big explains that he and Barbara had a threesome 'cause they were both looking for someone else...and then puts his arm around Carrie and rhetorically asks her if she happens to know anyone who's right for him. As they start kissing, Carrie hallucinates that Barbara is standing on the street, watching them from a few feet away. But after a few seconds, she strolls off...most likely 'cause a woman like her would not give a flying fuck about what her ex-husband and his skanky girlfriend are doing. 

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