Sex and the City - Season 1, Episode 7

"Hello, Big. I'm calling to let you know that you should be eating your heart out right now."

"The Monogamists"
Original airdate: 7/19/1998

Episode summary: Carrie is miffed when she learns that Mr. Big is dating other women. Samantha goes apartment hunting and gets intimate with her realtor. Charlotte refuses to give blow-jobs to her new boyfriend, Michael, which effectively ends their relationship.

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Recap: Carrie voice-overs that Manhattan is a cozy village that's home to seven million people...but that lately it seemed as though it had been reduced to two people: her and Mr. Big. She gushes about how rapidly time flies by whenever they spend time together, and then we see footage of the two of them on a busy Manhattan sidewalk, staring lovingly into each other's eyes and smooching. Blech.

Miranda calls Carrie to bitch at her for spending so much time with Mr. Big lately. Carrie explains that she's been hit hard by this romance, blah blah...and the two friends make plans to get together for dinner, along with Samantha and Charlotte. She needlessly adds that Big has "a dinner thing" tonight and isn't available anyway, and Miranda snorts derisively and says, "God - will you listen to yourself?" Carrie sheepishly replies, "Yeah...I know. I've become one of those women we hate." Oh, Carrie. You've never not been the kind of woman I hate...loathe...can barely look at without wanting to throw things at the TV.

At dinner, Carrie sheepishly acknowledges that she's been forsaking her girlfriends to hang with her new boyfriend. They tell her how hurt and offended they are - but then Charlotte lightens things up when she grins and exclaims, "You've missed a lot!" and we get a brief recap of everything that's been going on in their lives: Miranda has been busy with a successful merger at her law firm, Samantha is on the hunt for a new apartment, and Charlotte is practically engaged. Her new beau's name is Michael Conway, and he's from a good (meaning rich) New York family who adores Charlotte. She excitedly gushes, "This might be it! The one!" Samantha attests that she and Miranda have met Michael and think he's perfect...and even think his dog (a gorgeous Golden Retriever) is perfect. There is, however, one tiny snag...and then we get a flashback of Charlotte and Michael as they make out, then transition to a "blow-job tug of war". Michael keeps trying to steer Charlotte's head in the direction of his crotch, but she's not into it and keeps popping her head back up. He's like, "Aw come on!" so she gives him a vague promise of blow-jobs to come. Back at dinner, she declares to the gals that she hates giving head. An appalled Samantha gasps in horror, while Miranda registers surprise. Charlotte wails, "I don't like putting it in my mouth!" and adds that her sensitive gag reflex makes it impossible for her to a blow a guy without wanting to puke. Miranda needlessly remarks that she prefers not to swallow, and Carrie's assessment of oral sex is: "It's not my favorite thing on the menu, but I'll order it from time to time." She then grins at Samantha and adds, "With the right guy...it can be niiice." Samantha smiles approvingly and says she loves the sense of power it gives her. Charlotte stubbornly insists that she doesn't like it, and therefore doesn't expect Michael to go down on her. Miranda lets out a bitter sounding guffaw and says, "Well, forget it! I only give head to get head" and the four start cackling at their collective wit. As always, nice, classy dinner conversation, ladies.

"I'm sorry I've been ignoring all of you and spending all my free time with Mr. Big."

"I've sucked fifty different cocks since we last spoke."

"And I've had to hear about each of them."

A few hours later, the gals head out...and on their way towards the exit, Samantha notices Mr. Big sitting at a table with an attractive brunette and points him out to Carrie. Carrie says she's just going to say a quick hi, and walks over. Mr. Big looks startled when Carrie suddenly appears and hovers over him while grinning like an idiot. He awkwardly introduces her to his dinner companion...and she suddenly looks suspicious and asks him if they can speak privately. After they step a few feet away from the table, Carrie comes right out and asks, "Are you on a date?" He goes, "Sorta" so she says she thought he had a business thing tonight, and he corrects her and says it's a dinner thing. Carrie calls his date "stunning", then adds, "Because she stunned me." Looking completely deflated, Carrie wishes him a nice dinner and turns to head back to her friends - but Big stops her and asks if she's OK. She sadly replies, "Sure. I just didn't realize you were dating other women." He tells her he's not dating a lot of women, then asks if they can talk about this another time - as in, when he's not on a date. Hee! She says, "Sure" and walks over to where the gals are sympathetically staring at her, then throws up her arms in frustration and wails, "I can't believe it! He's seeing other women!"

"I'm on a date with a gorgeous brunette. You don't mind, do you?"

"We can talk more about it when your night to date me comes back around in the cycle."

Carrie has gone home, and is now pacing the length of her apartment while frantically puffing on a cigarette. She acknowledges that even though she and Mr. Big never actually discussed exclusivity, she has no desire to date other men...but it's clear that Big is enjoying dating other women. She starts tapping away on her computer and asks viewers to contemplate her current relationship quandary: "Did men have an innate aversion to monogamy - or was it more than that? In a city like New York, with its infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect?" 

To help viewers wade through Carrie's Big Crisis, we get a testimonial from a dorky water delivery guy, who says he's been in a monogamous relationship for over a year and that it's been very fulfilling...but adds that his definition of monogamy includes sex with prostitutes. How lovely for your partner, asshole. A woman standing in her kitchen rolls her eyes as she declares, "Monogamy is just so incredibly dull" while a gay guy in Central Park tells viewers that he and his partner have sex with other people; however, they don't exchange fluids or phone numbers. A young woman who's sunbathing calls monogamy fabulous and says, "It gives you a deep and profound connection to another human being...and you don't have to shave your legs as much." I really can't wait until these stupid testimonials are a thing of the past on this show.

Samantha is checking out an apartment with a female realtor. She loves the fantastic view of the city, but says it's way out of her price range. The realtor says she just wanted her to see it so she'd know what's out there, then makes her promise not to work with any other broker. Samantha looks faux shocked that she'd even suggest such a thing and says, "Of course!"...and in the very next scene Samantha's checking out a different apartment with an attractive male realtor. Carrie voice-overs that this realtor gave Samantha the opportunity to combine her two greatest loves: sex and real estate.

Carrie drags Stanford out for a drink, and he makes one of those dumb kinds of pronouncements we're frequently tortured with on Sex and the City: "Monogamy is on the way out again. It made a brief comeback in the '90s - but as the millennium approaches, everyone's leaving their options open." Carrie asks him if he's not interested in committing to a nice guy, but he jokes that he can't even commit to a long distance carrier. An attractive young guy named Jarrod, who Stanford knows, approaches them at the bar, and Stanford introduces him Carrie. Jarrod tells Carrie he reads her column, and then wanks her further by saying, "Nice shit" - LOL - and Carrie breezily replies, "Thanks." Stanford tells Carrie that Jarrod is a novelist, and that New York Magazine just named him one of the coolest people under thirty in the city. Jarrod declares to Carrie that she's one of the sexiest women in the city - he's mad as a hatter, this boy - then invites her and Stanford to a fabulous New York Magazine party tomorrow night at the Luna Park Cafe. Carrie cocks her head to the side and coyly says, "I'll do my best."

Carrie returns to her apartment, voice-overing that she used to get a rush whenever good looking men hit on her...but today it just felt exhausting. Mr. Big calls to confirm their date tomorrow night and says he'll pick her up at 8pm. He coos, "I miss you baby", which...gross. I really can't stand it when he calls her baby.

Carrie goes out to eat with Miranda, and the two sit in an outdoor patio. Carrie babbles incessantly about the phone conversation she just had with Mr. Big, while Miranda does her best to pretend she gives a tiny shit. Suddenly, Skipper and a pretty woman happen to walk by, and they stroll over to the outdoor patio. Skipper says hey, then introduces his girlfriend, Alison, to Carrie and Miranda. As they chit-chat, Alison mentions that she works at Vogue, and that she's a big fan of Carrie's shittastic column. Miranda quietly scowls at her...and as soon as she and Skipper amble off and are out of hearing range, she cattily snarks, "Who was that self-important bitch?" Carrie tells her she's Skipper's new girlfriend, and Miranda grumps that she didn't think that was his type and looks peeved. Carrie reminds her that she's his type, but that she broke up with him. Miranda suddenly gets a dreamy expression on her face and stares after Skipper, then remarks that something about him looks different.

Skipper and Alison are bumping uglies when his phone rings. It's Miranda, and she starts to leave him a message about how great it was to run into him. Skipper fumbles, in mid-doink with Alison, to answer the phone. Miranda tells him she misses him and that she'd love to have dinner with him some night, and Skipper happily says he'll call her later. After he hangs up, Alison stares up at him concernedly and asks him if everything is OK, and he tells her she's great and everything...but the woman he really loves just called and gave him the impression that she might possibly want to get back together. Alison stares at him, incredulously, and goes, "You're breaking up with me while you're still inside of me?" Sadly...yes. And ew.

Charlotte and Michael are out together, strolling and holding hands. He tells her he'd like for them to be exclusive, and she likes the sound of that and gives him a smooch. 

Carrie and Mr. Big arrive at a private party, and she's decked out in a slinky dress that showcases her sinewy arms, and she also has tacky round rouge spots on her cheeks. (Who on earth did the make up for this show?) Big tells her that his friend, Max, is the host of the party...and a few seconds later, a beautiful woman greets Big warmly and plants a kiss on him. He hastily introduces her to Carrie, and she gushes about how much she loves her Sex and the City column, then chides Big for still having her passport. After she saunters off, Carrie gives him a WTF? look, so he sheepishly explains that they used to travel together. Mmm hmm.. Big finally locates Max, and the two men hug hello. Big motions toward Carrie and tells him he wants to introduce him to someone special, and Max grins and blurts out, "Julia!" Bwahaha! Carrie deflates and says, "Actually, it's Carrie" and Max looks momentarily puzzled and goes, "Carrie..?" then shakes off the awkward scene he just created and says, "Well...welcome!" Big explains to Max that Carrie writes a shittastic sex column in the New York Star, so Max tells her she's definitely dating the right man for juicy material. Carrie turns to Big and bitchily retorts, "Are we dating? I thought we were just sleeping together." Big chuckles uncomfortably and jokes that after tonight they probably won't be doing much of either. Oh please don't get my hopes up. Carrie brusquely excuses herself, and Big trails after her. She asks him how many women he's currently dating, and he declines to answer and asks her if they can just enjoy the party. She says she doesn't think she can, so he goes, "What do you want from me?" and she stares back at him with a hurt expression, somehow manages to hold back her tears, and replies, "Nothing. I don't want anything from you." She leaves the party alone and heads over to the Luna Park Cafe, where she lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away. She quickly finds Jarrod, who's wearing shades even though it's night time. He offers to get her a drink of her choice - a cosmopolitan, please - and she flippantly voice-overs, "I began to think that monogamy was just a quaint notion."

"Julia! How nice to meet you."

"My name's Carrie."

"Whatever. You're dating the perfect guy if all you want to be is a notch on someone's bedpost."

Skipper and Miranda are lying in bed together, post coitus. He tells her he broke up with Alison when she called him in mid-doink, and Miranda calls that crazy and says, "You didn't have to do that" but he insists he did. Miranda tells him she's not really ready for a "full blown relationship thing", and he scrunches his face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a?!" She says she still wants to see other people, but he says he doesn't and is angry that she called him and turned his pathetic life upside down to start things up again. He wails, "I'm not your private stud horse! I'm tired of being jerked around!" then gets out of the bed and storms out. Please let this be the last time we ever see this loser. 

Over at Michael's apartment, Michael tells Charlotte she's amazing, sweet, sexy, and smart - in other words, everything he's looking for in a future mate. They start kissing...and as things get more amorous, he shoves her head toward his crotch. When she resists, he's all, "Whassup?" so she finally comes right out and says she really really hates giving head. He stares at her in surprise, so she asks, "Is it a big deal?" and he's like, "Um, sorta" so she asks him if he'd really want her to do something she doesn't want to do, and he's like, "Um, sorta" and assures her she'll get used to it. She says she can't, won't, never has, and isn't willing to try. Michael tells her he plans to have lots of blow-jobs in his life - and that if he doesn't get them from her, he'll seek them elsewhere. Charlotte asks him if he'd really give up on her awesomeness for a measly blow-job...and he mulls that over and asks her if she'd be willing to at least lick his balls. She stares back at him with dismay, says, "Good night" and leaves. And that's the end of that.

"Now...let's get that head closer to my crotch."

"Lower...lower."

At half past midnight, the male realtor is showing Samantha an apartment that's about to hit the market. Samantha looks impressed and then gushes about how much she loves it. She chirps, "Let's celebrate!" (Shouldn't they maybe close the deal first?) The realtor shuts off the lights, and they start to make out and get undressed just as the female realtor [Samantha was seeing apartments with earlier in the episode] enters with a client. They gasp at the sight of a topless Samantha, and the male realtor tries to protect Samantha's non-existent dignity by reaching his hands around from behind to cover her bare breasts. The female realtor is miffed that Samantha enlisted another realtor for her quest to find a new home, and an unapologetic Samantha tells her she's miffed she didn't show her this apartment. 

Back at the Luna Park Cafe, Carrie and Jarrod are flirting with each other in a truly nauseating fashion, and Jarrod suddenly declares, "I'm fucking in love with you!" He invites her to go home with him [for what I'll assume is a meaningless one night stand], and she stares at him contemplatively for a few seconds and says she has to go make a phone call. She heads over to the phone on the bar and calls up Mr. Big to saucily inform him that she's at a very cool party for very cool people...and a very cool novelist wants to take her home with him. Big's all, "Wha-a?" so she tells him that Jarrod is very cute and right now he has his arms around her. Instead of abruptly hanging up the phone and thanking his lucky stars that he discovered what an immature, manipulative turd Carrie is before their relationship got too far afield, Big tells her to get over to his place. She petulantly retorts, "You come over here" and he says, "I can't. I don't know where you are" so she tells him she's at the Luna Park Cafe and orders him to meet her out front.

Forty-five minutes later, Carrie is still standing on the street, waiting for Big to show up. She's about to throw in the towel and hail a cab when he finally shows up. He explains that he's been waiting out front for the last twenty minutes, then asks her what she's doing in the back of the cafe. She insists that this is the front, and...blah blah, they bicker back and forth as they sort out the confusion of what constitutes the front of the Luna Park Cafe. He asks her whassup, so she says she finally found a man she wants to "stand still" with, then asks him he if wants to stand still with her. He stares at her in faux confusion, then responds by putting an arm around her and staring deeply into her eyes...and the two stare up at the stars as the camera pans upward.

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