Recap: Carrie voice-overs that New York City is all about sex - "people getting it, and people trying to get it" - and that Manhattan is like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked. Sorry, no...that's Tony Montana's assessment of Miami (I must have Scarface on the brain). Anyway, according to Carrie's latest stupid pronouncement, every person who lives on the island of Manhattan thinks of nothing but sex 24/7.
The camera pans over to Mr. Big's apartment, where he and Carrie are lazing in bed together, reading and eating ice cream. Carrie voice-overs that after several weeks, they've gotten comfortable enough with each other to get a good night's sleep...and then we get needless footage of them in various positions as they spoon, canoodle, and lay curled up in each other's arms. Carrie gushingly voice-overs, "It was nice. The way I always dreamed it could be." The following morning, she wakes up and murmurs, "Good morning" and gives Mr. Big a big smooch...and then farts. Carrie covers her face in mortification as Mr. Big starts laughing and goes, "Was that you?" She crawls under the covers, but Big just laughs harder and says, "It might be worse under there." Bwaha! As Big continues to laugh, Carrie covers herself with the bulky comforter and stumbles into the bathroom, where she hurriedly gets dressed and beats a hasty retreat. Outside his front door, she stares into the camera, scrunches her face in misery, and tells viewers, "I was mortified!"
Carrie returns to her apartment and tries to lose herself in her shittastic column...but the audio of her fart keeps ringing through her head, and she buries her head in her hands.
The following day, Carrie realizes how childishly she's been behaving, so she's decided to simply ignore/deny the fact that she inadvertently passed gas. She goes to Big's place for dinner - and the two eat Chinese takeout and engage in civilized, non-fart-related conversation. After a few minutes, he asks her to get him some more sauce, and when she gets up to retrieve it, he slips a whoopee cushion on her chair. When she sits back down, the whoopee cushion lets out a loud fart noise...and hilarity ensues.
Later that evening, Carrie climbs into bed and smothers Big with kisses...but he murmurs, "I'm exhausted" and rolls over and goes to sleep. Carrie looks dejected and voice-overs that this was the first night they'd ever slept together without bumping uglies first. Egads! The fart must have turned him off more than initially expected.
The next day, Carrie and Miranda are getting manicures. She tells Miranda how worried she is about the doinkless night's sleep she just had with Mr. Big - but Miranda doesn't give a rat's ass 'cause she's got sex problems of her own: she hasn't been laid in three months. Egads! Carrie gasps and exclaims, "No!" and Miranda asks her to please wipe that horrified look off her face. Carrie tries to cheer her up while also steering the conversation back to herself by saying, "It's worse to not be having sex when you're with someone, than it is to not be having sex because you don't have a boyfriend." She adds that maybe things with Mr. Big have gotten too comfortable, then shamefully tells her about fart-gate. Miranda stares back at her blankly and goes, "And..?" so Carrie explains that she firmly believes that her passed gas is the reason why she and Big aren't having sex anymore. Miranda calls that insane, then steers the conversation back to her sexual drought. She says it's not normal for her to go without a dicking for three whole months and that the lack of penetration is driving her mad. Kind of like what the inane fart storyline is doing to me.
Back at her apartment, Carrie sits in front of her computer and taps out: How often is normal? then stares into space contemplatively as viewers are subjected to awful testimonials from over-sharing extras:
During yoga class, Samantha declares to Carrie that the amount of sex a person considers normal is "the halfway point between what you want and what you can get". She also thinks there's definitely trouble between her and Mr. Big, 'cause it's unnatural for two people who are dating to not frantically hump each other every time they're in a room alone together. She solemnly pronounces, "Sex is a barometer for what's going on in the relationship." Carrie miserably blurts out, "I farted!" and Samantha scrunches her face in disgust and orders her to move her mat away. Carrie explains that she means she farted in front of Mr. Big the other day, and Samantha shakes her head disapprovingly and says, "Huge mistake." Carrie says she's human and that it was an accident, but Samantha offers no sympathy and says that men don't want to know women are human...which means they're not permitted to fart, douche, use tampons, or have hair in places they shouldn't. Case in point: a guy once dumped Samantha 'cause she missed a bikini wax. Since Samantha doesn't do relationships, I don't think that technically she can be dumped. That said, I highly doubt that her lapse in crotch grooming is the real reason the guy no longer wanted to see her. Samantha advises Carrie to fuck Big's brains out and hope he forgets about her embarrassing fart. Meanwhile, the hot yoga instructor suddenly takes a special interest in Samantha and presses his hands on her pelvis as he leads the class in breathing exercises. She sighs with exaggerated pleasure, then stares up at him suggestively and asks, "Wanna go for coffee sometime?"
In the next scene, Samantha and the hot yoga instructor are enjoying tea at a nearby cafe. She coos about how amazing and horny she always feels after yoga...and the hot yoga instructor tells her he gave up sex three years ago and has been celibate ever since. Samantha gasps in horror and goes, "Why?! And more importantly, WHY?!" so he starts babbling about the orgasmic payoff of forcing oneself to get all backed up sexually and then recycling/not releasing that energy. Talking about pent up sexual energy gets Samantha all hot and bothered, and she purrs, "My apartment is just around the corner." He declines and replies, "The only thing hotter than sex is not having sex" and somehow Samantha continues to look intrigued by the yoga instructor's self-imposed no-sex regimen.
The next evening, Carrie meets up with Charlotte for dinner and complains to her about the Big/No Sex Situation. Charlotte says that sleeping in a bed without having sex doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with the relationship, and Carrie nods in hopeful agreement - but can't bring herself to tell prim Charlotte about her passed gas. Charlotte makes a face and says that people put too much emphasis on sex...and by people she means the Sex and the City writers. She tells Carrie that she and her latest beau, Kevin, have been dating for several weeks and still haven't done the horizontal mambo; all they've done so far is hug and cuddle. A few seconds later, Kevin arrives at the restaurant to join them for dinner, and as soon as Carrie sees him, she's all, "Ack!" and voice-overs that she slept with him three years ago. Shocker. When Kevin excuses himself to make a phone call, Carrie tells Charlotte that she stopped seeing him 'cause he was a sex maniac...and Charlotte perks up (instead of being suitably icked out to learn that her boyfriend once doinked her friend) and looks deeply impressed by his self restraint. Later, in the cab, Charlotte is all over Kevin like white on rice and saucily tells the cab driver that there's only going to be one stop.
Charlotte and Kevin are in bed, vigorously going at it until he abruptly stops, rolls over, and says, "I don't think this is going to work." Charlotte asks him if the problem is her, but he assures her she's great, then explains, "I'm just not that sexual a guy." She spills the beans on what Carrie told her about him being a sex maniac, and he nods and says, "That was before Prozac." The drug has been a life saver for his mood problems, but one of the side effects is that it makes his dick limp and unresponsive.
Carrie's pacing in her apartment, voice-overing about how terrified she is of another platonic sleepover with Mr. Big. She glances toward her window and is startled to see that her neighbors are having sex. She decided there was only one thing to do: watch them finish, and then call up Mr. Big and invite herself over to his apartment.
Samantha and the hot yoga instructor are sitting cross-legged on his bed while he reads aloud to her about the spiritual merits of celibacy. Samantha gets bored and glances down at his crotch and exclaims, "You're hard!" but he just casually replies, "It'll go down."
Carrie arrives at Mr. Big's apartment, lunges at him, and aggressively smooches him. He extricates himself from her sinewy arms and tells her he's watching boxing. He steers her over to the living room, and she climbs atop him while he's trying to watch TV...and he finally gets exasperated and snaps, "Knock it off! I'm trying to watch the fight." Carrie pouts and childishly retorts, "Fine. I'll leave." Big asks her why she's acting so nuts, but she doesn't answer and flounces out of the apartment, then waits in the hall for him to run after her and beg her forgiveness. When he doesn't emerge 'cause he's too into the boxing match (haha!), she rushes home to check her voicemail for an apology...and looks miffed when she has zero messages.
Samantha's lying alone in bed, looking horny and frustrated. She starts to put an end to her suffering, then stops herself so that she can continue to get all backed up and one day erupt like Mount St. Helens.
Miranda's on her way to Blockbusters to return a stack of movies she just finished watching [in lieu of having sex]. A construction worker across the street starts cat-calling her, then grabs his crotch and barks, "I got what you want! I got what you need!" Miranda's all, "Wha-a?", gets flustered, and scurries off like a frightened mouse.
Carrie's trying to take her mind off of her deteriorating relationship with Mr. Big by painting her apartment a grisly shade of yellow. While she's doing that, Miranda drops by to deliver her latest grim statistic: it's now been three months and one week since a man penetrated her. I don't know how she hasn't committed suicide yet. Carrie whines about how Big hasn't called her in two days and curses her fart, and Miranda snaps at her to shut up about "the fucking fart". Really. Carrie wails about how she's in love with Big and is terrified he's going to leave her 'cause she's not perfect like he is, and Miranda asks her when she became so obsessed with being perfect. Carrie explains that there's something about Big that makes her act like someone else whenever she's around him. She describes that person as "Together Carrie" and has actually caught herself posing while in his presence. That's pretty fucked up and insecure for a grown woman. She moans, "It's exhausting!" and Miranda barks, "Then stop!" - but then suddenly gets distracted by the sight of the couple in the adjacent building having sex.
In the next scene, all four gals are over at Carrie's place, watching the neighbor's sex show. Charlotte expresses amazement at how long the man is able to continue thrusting and decides right then and there that she's going to try harder to get Kevin hard. Miranda asks Samantha why she hasn't been fulfilling her carnal desires lately, so Samantha explains that she's deliberately depriving herself of sex in anticipation of a huge orgasmic payoff. Miranda announces that if her sexual drought goes into month four, she's humping one of them. Off camera, hopefully.
Miranda returns to Blockbusters to return/get more movies, and the same construction worker once again bellows, "I got what you want! I got what you need!" Miranda starts to scurry off, but then stops herself and defiantly marches over to him. She barks, "You got what I want? You got what I need?" and he just kind of nods and goes, "Uh huh" so she shrieks, "What I want is to get laid!!" The construction worker looks horrified at the thought of actually doinking Miranda, and slowly backs away as he says, "Take it easy, lady. I'm married." Miranda scoffs and sassily retorts, "All talk and no action, huh? What a Gavone!"
Samantha's back in yoga class, and when the hot yoga instructor puts his hands on her shoulders to adjust her position, she snarls, "Unless you're planning to do me, keep your hands off of me." He immediately backs off, and Samantha quickly scans the room for a fuckable man. She makes eye contact with a dorky looking guy and mouths, "Wanna fuck?" and he just laughs and wisely shakes his head. She looks over at another guy and mouths wanna fuck? and he scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "Huh?" so she just comes right out and asks, "Wanna fuck?" He's like, "Yeah" and the two rush off to the nearest men's room to fornicate.
Charlotte does her best to pleasure Kevin with a hand job, but his penis stubbornly refuses to harden so she finally throws in the towel. She asks him if he'd ever consider going off Prozac and he says nope and asks, "Wouldn't you rather be with a guy who's kind and giving, but not that interested in sex - versus a crazy, unstable guy who constantly wants to get laid?" Charlotte mulls over those two choices - as though all men can only fit into one of the two categories - and goes, "Nope" and Kevin shrugs indifferently, gets dressed, and heads home.
It's Saturday night, and Carrie is painting her apartment when Big rings her doorbell. He's all, "Whassup?" so she invites him inside and tells him she's painting. She asks him why he hasn't called, and he asks her why she didn't call, then glances around the apartment and says, "So...this is where you live." He tells her it's a very nice place, but she argues that it's a mess and that she'd like to completely change it. He seats himself in a sofa chair, pretends he doesn't get that Carrie's criticisms about her apartment are really about her shitty self, and says, "I dunno. I like it the way it is." He asks what her problem was the other night when he was trying to watching boxing, so she says, "That was me, having a meltdown." Big is like, "Er, OK" and glances out the window and notices her naked neighbors going at it. I wonder if they've considered getting window blinds. Big asks Carrie if she's aware that her neighbors are bumping uglies in full view of everyone who faces that side of the building, and she says, "Really? I never noticed" then voice-overs that all she could think was, "Why aren't we having sex?" Big watches the show for a few more seconds, then sexily says, "We can do better than that" and leans toward Carrie for a smooch...and she's so overcome with relief and desire that she breathily voice-overs, "And then he kissed me.." And then I retched.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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