Recap: Dawson and Joey are hanging out in Dawson's bedroom watching movies. After the movie ends, Dawson clicks onto the local TV station in time to hear a local hurricane warning and then an announcement that all schools in Capeside will be closed tomorrow. After the two woot and cheer, Dawson gets irked by the sight of his mom bantering with her co-anchor Bob and angrily shuts off the TV. He tells Joey he's not in the mood to watch movies anymore...and she tells him that at some point he's going to have to deal with his mom's infidelity, then climbs out the window while Dawson turns the TV back on to grimace at the rest of his mom's newscast.
Around town, Capeside extras are busily boarding up their windows and moving patio furniture indoors. Shaggy D.A. complains to Mitch that the network has assigned Bob (and not her) to cover the hurricane, and sourly adds that he only got the assignment 'cause he's a man. Mitch is like, "Yeah, whatever" and says he's going next door to check on Grams and Jen and invite them to ride out the storm at Casa Leery. Once he's out of earshot, Dawson moans about what a monumental jerk Bob is compared to what a super awesome guy his dad is, and Shaggy D.A. contorts her face into a stricken expression while muttering, "Oh boy.."
Pacey helps his cop brother Doug post no swimming signs on the beach, then needles him to the point of obnoxiousness about being gay. Doug doth protests too much about how he couldn't possibly be any straighter, but Pacey argues that his CD collection containing Barbra Streisand tunes and the Les Misérables soundtrack contradicts that.
Joey helps Bessie and Bodie bring in anything that's laying around their property that could become a projectile during a hurricane, then suggests that the three of them retreat to the safety of the Leery house until the storm passes.
Pacey spots Tamara on the porch of her beach house as she's bringing her flower pots inside. He scampers over and leans in to kiss her - but she's like, "No! Don't!" just as Doug appears from the side of the house and offers to help secure her place. Doug razzes Pacey about his presumably subpar performance in Tamara's English class, then exchanges flirty banter with Tamara while a jealous Pacey stares daggers at him.
Grams and Jen decide to take Mitch up on his offer to ride out the hurricane at his house, and Jen finds Dawson cleaning up the porch and explains that Gramps' corpse won't be joining them 'cause he's in the hospital, undergoing tests. She offers to help him secure the outdoor furniture, but he declines...and when she calls him out on the cold way he's acting towards her, he pretends that it has less to do with her slutty reveal during the previous episode than the lengthy to do list that's currently floating around his head.
Dawson eavesdrops on his mother, who's sitting on the stairs while chatting with Bob and making kisses noises at him over the phone. Subtle, Shaggy. She's all, "Ack!" when she notices Dawson looming over her from the upper landing and hastily ends the call. Dawson sourly congratulates her on the new award he'd like to present her with: a scarlet A for Adulteress. She rolls her eyes in response and mutters, "Oh fer fuck's sake.." [sorry, no, that was my reaction] and races upstairs after him to try to explain why she felt the need to start hitting the sack with her co-anchor. Dawson's like, "Ew.." and says she should probably be telling this to her spouse, not her son...which is probably true enough. He then storms into his bedroom, where Jen has been hiding out, and rhetorically barks, "Is the proposition of monogamy a Jurassic notion?" and Jen somehow refrains from asking why in the hell everything that comes out of his mouth has to be the kind of wordy gibberish that no fifteen year old would formulate ahead of time and articulate, much less blurt out during the course of normal conversation. Jen points out that, the extramarital shagging notwithstanding, Shaggy D.A. is generally a good person...and when Dawson lets out a bitter sounding guffaw, she takes that as an insult about her own slutty past and storms out of the room. A few seconds later, Dawson realizes that Joey has been eavesdropping from inside his closet, and she sheepishly tells him she went in there to reminisce about all the times they used to sit in the dark and recite the script from Jaws, which...um, OK. She then lectures him for daring to ask why his mom is cheating instead of thanking his lucky stars that he has a mom.
Mitch and Shaggy D.A. are watching Bob's coverage of the Capeside hurricane...and when Mitch says he hopes that Bob is being careful, Joey snarkishly says he doesn't need to worry about a shithead like Bob, who's perfectly capable of looking out for himself. She then wanders over to the foyer to sit at the foot of the stairs and stare mopishly into space...and is soon joined by Shaggy D.A., who admits that she's really screwed the pooch on her marriage and is thinking seriously about ending her affair with Bob, which is kinda like closing the barn door long after the horse has gotten out.
Tamara has prepared Doug and Pacey something to eat, and they're about to sit at the table and dig in when they hear a crashing noise on the porch. When Doug rushes out to see what happened, Pacey takes the opportunity to get canoodly with Tamara. She giggles and half-heartedly pushes him away while saying, "Quick reminder: this is a felony" - but then giggles again and allows him to get within kissing range of her lips. In mid-kiss, the two tumble to the floor and accidentally pull the tablecloth with them, which causes their dinner to crash to the floor. Doug bursts in to see whassup, and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?" when he sees the two sprawled on the floor together.
Dawson interrupts his dad while he's working on a model of his dream restaurant chain and is about to spill the beans about his wife's infidelity when Shaggy D.A. enters the room and tells them she has something to confess. She natters about how much she looooves her news anchoring job, despite not having the journalistic chops to become the next Diane Sawyer or Barbara Walters...and eventually Mitch tells her to stop prattling and just say what she came to say. She takes a deep breath and admits that for the last two months she's been bumping uglies with another man...and a stunned Mitch stares back at her with his default dumb-faced expression before the storm cuts the power and plunges them into darkness.
After the commercial break, Mitch directs his anger at learning that another man has been balling his wife for the last couple of months towards a frenetic search for batteries. When Shaggy D.A. starts sobbing, he shoots her the stink-eye and growls, "You don't get to cry!" and storms out of the room - just as Grams pokes her head in to ask if everything's OK.
Tamara tells Doug that she and Pacey clumsily tripped at the same time and simultaneously tumbled to the floor, and Doug appears to buy that implausible explanation and suggests they play the 'if' game so they can get to know each other better. His first question to Tamara is 'if you could live in any city, where would you live?' and she says New York, aka her hometown.
Bessie is nattering to Bodie about the perils of circumcising their soon-to-be infant...and when Bodie points out that they don't even know if the baby is a boy, Grams chimes in, "Or black or white", then quickly diverts attention from that openly racist jab by pretending that what she most objects to is "when children raise children". She tells Bodie to buckle up and get ready for his child to be identified as different, to which Bessie tearfully retorts that it's irrelevant that her baby will be half white, half black, 'cause he/she will be 100% loved. So suck on that, Grams.
Jen and Joey sit on the front porch and watch Mitch sitting alone in the driver's seat of his SUV, miserably contemplating his cuckolding. Joey tells Jen that Dawson was wrong to spew his anger about Shaggy D.A. onto her for her slutty past, and says he's probably indignant that she dared go to bed with anyone prior to meeting him. The two then wonder about the dimensions of Dawson's manhood (e.g. does his penis most resemble a pistol, rifle, or BB gun?), and Joey blushingly muses that when factoring in his height and hand size, his nether regions likely measure higher than average.
Pacey, Doug, and Tamara play Monopoly and talk about their favorite movies. Doug invites Tamara to accompany him to the Rialto for a showing of the old classics and says they can leave Pacey at home and make a romantic night of it: dinner and a movie. Tamara chuckles and points out that it wouldn't be a real date on account of his gayness, and he's all, "Wha-at?" and glares over at Pacey. Tamara hastily says that she guessed his orientation 'cause of her stronger-than-usual gaydar - and Doug is all 'since I'm nowhere near ready to come out of the closet', he pulls his service revolver on Pacey and demands that he confirm his heterosexuality. Pacey's like, "OK, OK, you're not gay" while Tamara stares at Doug in horror.
A soaking wet Shaggy D.A. climbs into the passenger seat of Mitch's SUV, and he contorts his face into a pained expression as he reminisces about the first time he saw her and decided it was love at first sight. His face then darkens when he adds that as quick as that love came will be his rapid decision to hate her now. Shaggy D.A. cries, "Nooooooo Mitch!", but he yells at her to get out of his SUV before he physically removes her from it. Yeesh. She hastily climbs out, and he squeals off while she stares after him, weeping in the heavy rain.
By the next day, the hurricane changes course and doesn't end up causing too much damage in Capeside, and eventually the residents emerge from their homes and remove all the plywood covering their windows. Tamara thanks Pacey and Doug for keeping her company all night...and when Doug insists that he really really wants to take her out, she declines and tells him she's committing a felony by doinking his underage brother - I mean, seeing someone right now. Pacey grins happily.
Dawson runs into Jen, who explains that she lost her virginity when she was twelve (holy fucking crap) to some older guy who got her drunk. After that, her sexcapades were a blur of getting it with multiple partners on while drunk and avoiding pregnancy scares. It all came to a head (no pun intended) when her parents caught her having sex in their bed, and figured a reasonable response was shipping her off to Capeside and fobbing her off on Grams...as if the elderly woman didn't have enough to worry about, caring for her inert husband. Jen insists to Dawson that she's not "that girl" anymore, but that she's also not as pure as the driven snow...and is somewhere in between. Dawson admits that he has his own idiotic hangups, and that he assumed his parents had a happy marriage just 'cause they always made such a show of pretending like they didn't want to get caught by Dawson or his friends while smooching or dry humping in the living room. He then sheepishly admits that his behavior has been horrible and hopes that Jen even wants him back, and she says she'd loooove for him to be part of her effort to start over, then hugs him and says, "Take two..?"
Pacey returns to Tamara’s place and says he has one more 'if' question and asks her what she'd redo in life if she had the chance. She says she wouldn't have married her shitty New York husband...and he laments not being of age and not having the ability to enjoy consenting adult type sex with the grown ass woman he's nailing. He gives her a from behind canoodle, and she tells him they're going to have to end this 'cause it's too dangerous [AND, as she earlier admitted, A FELONY] - but Pacey points out that that's exactly what makes it such a turn on. He then asks her what she'd do right now if she could do anything, and she shoots him a saucy grin and grabs him by the shirt and pulls him inside her house...and that's all I'm going to say 'bout that.
Mitch returns home and finds his wife sitting on a chair on the front porch, staring despondently into space. He lowers himself on the front steps and asks her why she started an extramarital affair, and she sheepishly tells him that the reason is completely preposterous: she got restless by her perfect, happy life and "wanted to want" again, and figured that hitting the sheets with Bob would satisfy that want. That said, all she wants right now is to have everything back that she lost overnight. She cries, "I'm sooooooo sorry", but Mitch tells her to shut it 'cause he doesn't want to talk anymore...and the two just sit quietly in front of the house.
Upstairs, Dawson apologizes to Joey for his rude 'tude lately and promises to rectify his belligerent ways and make every effort to be a friend worthy of her. Joey apologizes for using "the mother card", and admits that she's always putting her sainted late mother on a pedestal. She suggests they go back to being friends and do something fun, like reciting the Jaws script inside his closet...and when he says he's game, they laughingly scamper into the closet, where Dawson parrots, "Sheriff Brody, that's a twenty-footer."
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Recap: Dawson is watching the Jen scenes of his swamp creature movie and dreamily tells Joey how gorgeous and perfect his new girlfriend is...but Joey makes a blech face and says she doesn't think Jen is all that, and that she can predict her boring future just by looking at her well tended exterior: after attending a small liberal arts college in New England, she'll marry a rich bond trader and squeeze out three kids. Dawson jokingly calls her Nostradamus and says he'd prefer to let Jen surprise him, then changes the subject to his parents' twentieth anniversary and asks her if she has any gift ideas. Joey is about to make a suggestion - just as Tamara suddenly appears in the movie footage, orgasmically writhing against an unseen male. Dawson's all, "Wha-at is this? I didn't shoot this!", and the two scratch their heads as to who the Capeside High English teacher could possibly be getting boned by.
The next day at the Ice House restaurant, Dawson and Joey tell Pacey and Jen about the Tamara sex footage that Dawson unwittingly caught on camera after he left it rolling, and an alarmed looking Pacey scrunches his face concernedly. He asks if the guy was visible in the footage, but Dawson says the camera didn't capture his face...and Pacey says that he very urgently needs to get a look at the sex video asap.
Dawson and Jen walk home, hand in hand. When they arrive in front of her house, he leans in to kiss her - but she stops him when she spots Grams nosily peeking out the front window and tells him he's going to have to repress his desire for a later time. A few seconds later, she decides 'ah screw it' and defiantly smooches him in front of an appalled Grams.
Grams asks Jen if she does "these things" to upset her, then reminds her that her parents shipped her to Capeside with a one way ticket 'cause of her unacceptably slutty behavior in New York. Jen rolls her eyes and says she's tired of them having the same conversation over and over, points out that she and Dawson were merely kissing, then pours herself a glass of milk before exiting the room.
Dawson enters his bedroom and finds a frantic Pacey rifling through his boxes of videotapes. He cries, "Stop! You're messing up my dailies!" - LOL - and Pacey tells him he neeeeeeeds to have the Tamara sex tape right now. Dawson tells him to chillax, retrieves the tape from a box near the door, and hands it to him. Pacey clutches it and starts nattering about what a loser he knows everyone at school thinks he is before declaring, "I got the girl this time." Dawson's all, "Huh? What girl?", and Pacey continues with his nonsensical nattering before confessing that he's the unseen man in the Tamara sex tape. He adds that he doesn't want the secret getting out - 'cause not only would it be mortifying for his first sexual encounter to be on full display for all to see, it could be career-ending for Tamara, who would have to admit that she threw all good taste and common sense to the wind when she decided it was a good idea to start screwing a fifteen year old dork boy. Pacey asks Dawson if it looked like he was cutting it performance-wise, and Dawson says it looked like he was doing just fine, and promises to keep the disturbing secret under his hat.
Dawson takes Joey along for a shopping trip in downtown Capeside to help him pick something out for his parents' anniversary gift. He tells her he's a bit jealous of the way the two are always making out and dry humping in the living room, and Joey changes the subject to Jen and snidely says she figured that "blondie" would have been putting out by now...even though she knows full well that had Dawson had lost his sainted, Donna Martin level virginity, it would have been the popped cherry heard all over Capeside. Dawson glances around the store and notices his mother helping Bob try on sports jackets in the shop next door. He ambles over to say hey and fails to notice how startled Shaggy D.A. looks at the sight of him and a scowling Joey - but pretends that 'nope, nothing's amiss here' and introduces the two to Bob. After some pleasant chit-chat, Shaggy D.A. and Bob rush back to the news studio, and a clueless Dawson tells Joey that the guy [who's balling his mom] seems like a really nice person.
Jen tells Grams she's going out with Dawson tonight, and Grams makes an ew face and says he probably only wants one thing from her, as is evidenced by the scandalousness of Joey climbing up the ladder and into his bedroom every night. Jen breezily says that the two are just friends and that somehow she's starting to develop real feelings for Dawson.
Pacey sees Tamara sitting at an outdoor cafe and scampers across the street to join her. When she tells him she's currently trying to decide which book to select as assigned reading for her next English class, Pacey suggests something with a lot of sex...then rails about the suckiness of sex in literature and insists that it is possible for two people to sleep together and for things to work out fine. Tamara mulls that over and asks him if it really is possible [including when it's a felony], and he answers by placing his hand over hers...but after a few seconds, she pulls her hand away before any icked out passersby happen to notice.
Dawson shows Jen some of the scenes of his swamp creature movie, which is still in progress, and she wanks him about awesomely it's coming along. He tells her that tomorrow he has plans to do some sound editing at the news station where his mom works and invites her along...then remarks that, in the old days, movie censors used to make actors keep one foot on the floor during amorous scenes. He gives her a kiss that quickly gets intense, and she gently shoves him away and tells him they have plenty of time to allow their kissing to become progressively naughty.
At the news station studio the next day, Dawson is getting help in the control room from one of the video editors as Jen dubs over her screams for one of the swamp creature scenes. When Jen looks all screeched out, Dawson suggests they take a break...and the two head over to the hall to get a [product placed] Diet Pepsi out of the vending machine. By scripted coincidence, Bob and Shaggy D.A. appear in the nearby hall and obliviously enjoy an intense smooch - which incidentally seems like a pretty indiscreet thing to be doing at the workplace - and Dawson's eyes widen in horror at the disturbing spectacle while Jen stands behind him and cringes.
Jen accompanies a wigged out Dawson to a nearby park, where he seats himself on a bench and stares despondently into space. Jen does her best to comfort him and says that whenever he's ready to bare his soul about the grossness of witnessing his mother's extramarital smooching of Bob, she's here for him - but he doesn't respond and just continues to mutely stare.
As anyone could predict, Dawson makes a beeline over to Joey's place to dish about his mom's infidelity. When she admits that, yep, she found out what was going on two episodes ago and figured that eventually he'd twig onto it too, he gets angry at her for keeping the bombshell to herself. He accuses her of "disengaging the friendship", and bitterly snarks, "Bye! See ya later! Have a nice life!" while bitchily storming off.
Downtown, Pacey sees Tamara at the outdoor cafe enjoying the company of the Mel Silver twin, and scrunches his face disapprovingly.
Dawson runs into his mom when she arrives home from work. She asks whassup with his sour expression, but he refuses to say and goes next door to talk to Jen. When Grams answers the door, Dawson acknowledges that it's obvious she dislikes him, then assures her that he's not a sex-crazed teen who's trying to corrupt her granddaughter, but rather an undefiled yokel who's in desperate need of a friendly ear.
Dawson and Jen wander around in nature while he unburdens his feelings about the unholy thing that's going on between his mom and Bob. Jen admits that she felt hurt when he immediately rushed over to Joey's place to pour his heart out, then says that secrets destroy relationship and that she no longer wants any secrets between them. To that end, she 'fesses up about the real reason her parents dumped her in Capeside: her slutty track record in New York. A shocked Dawson's all, "Wha-a-a-a? You're not a virgin??!", and Jen confirms that, nope, she's pretty much the opposite of a virgin...and Dawson pretends that he's not totally freaked out by the admission and can barely bring himself to hold her hand.
The next day at Capeside High, Pacey walks past Tamara's classroom and looks dismayed when he sees her flirtily bantering with the Mel Silver twin. Jen, meanwhile, runs into Dawson in the hall and suggests they catch a movie later - but he declines and pretends to be waaaay too busy with homework, and brusquely promises to call her later.
Pacey returns to Tamara's classroom when she's alone and admonishes her flirtiness with the Mel Silver twin. He challenges her to be honest with him if she's sleeping with both of them 'cause of the rampant scourge of AIDS and STDs, then demands to know who she likes better: him or Mel Silver. Tamara rolls her eyes and says, "You know, you're very disarming when you start sounding your age" - a remark that might prompt a wiser grown woman who, for God knows why reason, bedded a fifteen year old boy to face palm herself hard and wonder what in the fuckety fuck she's doing, bedding a fifteen year old boy. She assures Pacey that she's not Mel Silver's type...and by type she means female. Pacey gleefully blurts out, "He's gay?!" and she shushes him and makes him promise to keep that tidbit on the down low, as well as the May-December abomination they currently find themselves caught up in.
Jen asks Dawson if he's truly OK with her earlier confession, and he pretends he's totes fine with it. A skeptical Jen calls him out on the not-so-subtle way he's been avoiding her at school and asks him to be honest with her if he's repulsed by her slutty past, and instead of giving her a straight answer, he huffily storms off.
Dawson complains to Pacey that he can't help being judgey about Jen's sleazy past, and Pacey encourages him to instead think of it as an in to finally gettin' some. When Dawson sanctimoniously says that he much prefers romance to sex, Pacey tells him that the Dream Jen he's put on a pedestal doesn't actually exist, and that he should take the stick out of his butt and embrace his girlfriend's sexual looseness. Dawson says he can't do that and grumbles about all the undesired "plot twists" of his life, which include his parents' soon-to-be fractured twenty year marriage.
Mitch is getting dressed up for his anniversary dinner when Dawson enters the room and solemnly says he needs to speak to him - but Mitch does that annoying TV tropey thing where he pretends to not notice the troubled expression on Dawson's face and chatters incessantly about the awesomeness of being married to his true love for the last twenty years. Before Dawson has a chance to blow the whistle on his unfaithful mom, she breezes into the room looking all gussied up, and the happy couple heads out for their celebratory dinner.
Jen stops by the Ice House after hours to ask Joey for advice on Dawson's puritanical hangups about dating a non-virgin. Joey tells her that Dawson's sex life is non-existent, and that he's only capable of seeing anything sex-related as black and white 'cause anything else confuses his pea-sized brain. When Jen asks her if she's trying to scare her off Dawson, Joey assures her she's not, but then points out that most good men were probably sexless dorks as teenagers...and blushingly adds that if she were the one dating Dawson, she'd patiently wait for however long it took his penis to come around.
Pacey is over at Tamara's place, sitting on her bed reading a magazine while she grades papers. He asks her approximately how old she is and how many men she's doinked, and she's like, "Thirty-five-ish. And around three." She says there was one high school boy she hooked up with, and a couple of fully grown men...then blushingly adds that by high school boy, she wasn't referring to her high school. Pacey responds with a happy grin, while I looked for the nearest trash can to retch into.
Jen laments to her comatose grandfather that Dawson has clearly written her off as a slut, but also acknowledges that it probably wasn't the smartest decision to hit the sack with so many different boys at such a young age.
Dawson is moping at the ruins (aka the location of his last film shoot with Jen) staring contemplatively at the harbor. Joey ambles over to report that Jen stopped by the Ice House to get some insight into his judgey 'tude about her sex-filled past - but Dawson immediately shuts her down and says he doesn't want to talk about Jen with her. He questions whether they're even friends anymore 'cause they don't get along the way they used to, and Joey counters that lately he's been getting mad at her too easily...and when he responds that she's too critical of him, the two pause for a moment and chuckle at the prickly back-and-forth. He mutters some nonsense about how they were probably married for fifty years in an alternate universe, causing Joey to ponder who he took home after their wedding: her or his girlfriend. She then breezily says she was probably busy flirting with the rich guy sitting at the bar, which Dawson interprets as a fictional situation she'd need him to bail her out of. Joey asks Dawson whether or not they saved each other that night...and just as my brain started tuning out the metaphorical nonsense that is this mind-numbing dialogue, Joey says, "All this subtext is making me tired." She tells him she's sure she had a great time at their fictional, 'alternate universe' wedding, and wanders off as Dawson continues to stare at the water.
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Recap: Joey and Dawson are sacked out in Dawson's bedroom watching From Here to Eternity...and during the iconic beach kissing scene, Dawson dreamily predicts that this is exactly what his first kiss with Jen will be like. Joey rolls her eyes and wearily says, "Just kiss her already" and not expect it to be a perfectly crafted cinematic moment 'cause, unlike the real world, kissing scenes in movies have been engineered to have the perfect sunset as a backdrop, carefully scripted dialogue, and a curated soundtrack playing in the background. Dawson chides Joey for being such a bitter and jaded un-romantic, and insists that the deluded fantasy world he likes to inhabit could one day become a reality.
At Capeside High, the Mel Silver twin leads his film class on a discussion of potential storylines to wrap up Capeside's production, Helmets of Glory. As the students struggle to come up with reasonable plot ideas, Dawson rolls his eyes derisively and is unable to refrain from blurting out that they need to create dramatic tension, e.g. by structuring the movie around an underdog who desperately needs to win the football game...then cites Rocky and The Karate Kid as examples. Nellie Oleson calls his outburst pathetic, and an irked Mel Silver reminds Dawson that he had agreed to keep his pie-hole shut while sitting in on his film class.
Tamara gives Pacey back his latest English quiz and grimly tells him he failed...and that she's heard from other teachers that he's failing across the board. Pacey stupidly "explains" that a lot of energy goes into the boneheadedness he's demonstrating in deliberately failing all of his classes, then saucily requests one-on-one tutoring sessions with her so that she can sexily slave-drive him into improving his English grade. Tamara agrees to the tutoring part of that request and tells him to come back this evening after she's done with her teacher's meeting and everyone else has gone home for the night...and Pacey beams at that disturbingly mixed message and happily accepts her offer.
Joey is slingin' hash, along with her pregnant sister and boyfriend-in-law in the family's restaurant, the Ice House. She heads onto the patio, where Dawson is complaining to Pacey that Mel Silver assigned him to be Nellie's production assistant on the set of Helmets of Glory. He then natters about his plans to shoot the last scene of his swamp creature flick on a privately owned Greece-inspired estate 'cause it's the perfect venue for his movie and will make a romantic backdrop for a cinematically perfect first kiss with Jen. Pacey says that he too has a date (sort of) tonight and orders a bagful of female-orgasm-inducing oysters - just as a cute guy entering the restaurant glances over at Joey, and the two openly ogle each other. Dawson notices the ogling and asks Joey who the guy is, and Joey feigns confusion by going, "Who's who?", then threatens to kill Pacey in his sleep after he loudly announces in the cute guy's direction that Joey is finally noticing the opposite sex and finds him very attractive.
Dawson is toiling away on the set of Helmets of Glory when Jen shows up dressed as a cheerleader and explains that Scott Foley cast her as an extra.
During the after hours one-on-one tutoring session, Pacey asks Tamara if she would have debased herself by dating a flunky such as himself when she was in high school, and she says, "Probably not", then adds that her high school years were a long time ago (um, right?) and that she's a lot smarter now...despite the fact that her confounding lack of judgement in smooching Pacey on two separate occasions strongly suggests otherwise. Tamara shifts the conversation back to their one-on-one tutoring and gives Pacey a series of questions on Ethan Frome to contemplate and provide answers for.
While tossing a bag of trash into the Ice House's dumpster, Joey hears live music and ambles down the dock to investigate. She finds the cute guy she smiled at earlier sitting on a boat, playing a violin. He introduces himself as Anderson Crawford - aka a rich boarding school kid - and invites her sailing tomorrow...and Joey introduces herself as Deborah Carson, fibs about being a fellow rich kid, and happily accepts his invitation to go sailing.
Nellie overhears Dawson mocking the inanity of the Helmets of Glory script and threatens to tattle to Mel Silver about his negative 'tude. Filming abruptly comes to a halt while everyone within earshot listens to Nellie as she rails at Dawson for trashing a script she worked hard on all summer, then snarks at him to shape up and show some damn gratitude for being allowed to participate in this project. As Dawson stalks off shame-faced, the cast and crew resume filming.
After a marathon tutoring session, Pacey is finally able to answer the most basic questions about Ethan Frome. He tells Tamara he'd like a reward for demonstrating his smarts and starts getting all touchy feely with her...and she's like, "Not here, not now, this is my place of employment." And it's a felony. When Pacey points out that everyone has gone home for the night, she calls his bluff and starts unbuttoning her blouse, shuts off the lights, and orders him to strip so they can get it on atop her desk...and Pacey sullenly says that this isn't exactly the romantic tryst he envisioned for the popping of his cherry. Tamara wearily tells him to go home and find a girl his own age - aka not some "insane, middle aged woman" - and tells him that their flirtation is "beyond wrong" ... to which Pacey argues that sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing. Though not when it comes to anything resembling a pedophilia-related sex romp, 'cause what in the actual fuck, writers??!
Joey meets up with Anderson for their sailing date and fibs about attending Choate and how she considers her life at boarding school as "a privileged existence". The two sail to a deserted island and play frisbee on the sand, where she continues to fib about being the daughter of a rich CEO...and Anderson tells her that the number one attribute he looks for in a girl is honesty.
The Helmets of Glory cameraman is having a tough time jogging while filming two football players who are jogging and talking without the footage looking jiggly. Dawson tells Nellie he knows of a technique that can solve this problem - but she snaps at him to shut up and fetch more film. While on that errand, Dawson runs into Jen and bitches about how horrible the film is, then asks Jen why she volunteered to be a part of this amateur dreck. When she replies, "'Cause I knew you'd be here, hellooo..?", Dawson perks up and asks her if she'd like to meet up with him later to film the final scene of his swamp creature flick...and she happily agrees and wanks him by adding that she can't wait to work with a real director. Bwahahaha!
Joey and Anderson are bantering about JFK and UFOs as they clown around and sensually wrestle atop the sand. When he hovers over her in a pre-kiss position, she says they should probably head back 'cause her parents are expecting her. She adds that while today was fun, he needs to know the truth...and by the truth she nonsensically explains, "I'm not Cinderella", and a confused Anderson's all, "OK. Wait - huh?"
When Nellie and her film crew prove unable to resolve the conundrum of the jiggly jogging scene, Scott Foley allows Dawson to step in and try his suggested technique, which is holding the camera steady while sitting in a wheelchair that Pacey is swiftly pulling across the football field. When the scene results in the desired jiggle-free footage, a delighted Scott Foley yells, "Cut! Perfect!" while the rest of the crew cheers at Dawson, who takes a sanctimonious bow.
Joey is working another shift at the Ice House when she spots Anderson arrive. She hastily seats herself at the counter beside Dawson and Jen, who have just placed a sandwich order, and tells them she's taking a quick break. Anderson enters the restaurant, looks over at Joey and goes, "Hey Deborah", and a slow-on-the-uptake Dawson is all, "Wuh? Deborah? Who's Deborah?" - while Jen, who has managed to swiftly grasp the situation, "explains" to Anderson that it's startling to hear him call their friend Deborah 'cause they usually address her simply as Deb. Anderson ignores the weirdness of that exchange and tells Joey he's here to order some takeout and invite her out tonight - just as Bessie pops out of the kitchen and snarks at Joey to get back to work 'cause her sandwich order is up. Joey pretends she's not the person Bessie is talking to and accepts Anderson's invitation, then beams gratefully at Bodie when he emerges from the kitchen a few seconds later to wink knowingly at Joey and hand deliver Dawson's/Jen's sandwiches.
Pacey eavesdrops on Tamara flirtily bantering with Mel Silver and gets incensed when he offers to walk her home. He angrily confronts Tamara, who warns him that Mel is within hearing range and to stop acting like a jealous boyfriend before things get out of hand. Pacey rightly points out that the horse is already out of the barn with this pedo/underage boy situation, then blurts out that he wants her...and Tamara responds by staring back at him in mute, stupid helplessness.
Dawson brings Jen to the Greece-inspired estate to surreptitiously film the final scene of his swamp creature flick. He leads her over to a giant fountain that will provide a romantic/haunting backdrop as she stares sadly into space after the horror of learning that she just killed the swamp creature, who was somehow also the man she loved. LOL. Jen obliges...and her sorrowful gaze pleases Dawson so much that he goes, "Cut! Print!" to the non-existent crew and waxes on about how amaaaaaaazing her performance was. He then glances around and says it seems a shame to waste all of this great production design - sunset, music, soft candlelight - and leans in for a smooch. When a startled Jen notices that the camera is still rolling, she asks him what in blazes he's doing...and he stares over at his equipment and stammers, "Um.."
Joey finds Anderson aboard his boat, playing the violin. He tells that he and his parents are heading back east tomorrow, but that he goes to New York often and would love to meet up with her there sometime. Joey tries to politely rebuff him, but he insists on giving her his number and invites her to call him sometime...then leans in and plants a sweet smooch on her lopsided mouth.
Jen admonishes Dawson for trying to sneakily film an intimate moment between them, so he natteringly explains that he sooooooo badly wanted to create the most special environment possible for their first kiss. Jen says he's trying way too hard and asks him why he can't just be a normal guy and let the kiss happen in a more natural way...and Dawson admits that being an overzealous dork is his downfall - but insists that his intentions are honorable. He then moans that he wants to kiss her soooooo bad that he's worried he'll explode...and Jen says it wigs her out that he's building up their first kiss into being such a big fucking deal that she's worried her lips will prove to be a UGE disappointment for him.
Joey climbs into Bodie's pickup truck to hitch a ride home with him and Bessie...then stares morosely at the piece of paper with Anderson's phone number written on it before tossing it out the window.
Dawson hears someone approach their makeshift movie set and tells Jen it could be the crotchety owner of the estate and that they should probably hide. The two crouch behind a cobwebbed wooden fence as an oblivious Pacey and Tamara flounce over and head towards the fountain. Jen and Dawson remain hidden...and when Dawson helps Jen pull cobwebs out of her hair, the two stare at each other longingly before mashing their lips together in a tender looking smooch. Tamara, meanwhile, is unwittingly being filmed with Dawson's still rolling camera as she climaxes while gyrating atop an unseen Pacey's baloney pony...and afterwards she and Pacey spoon naked while the scene fades to black so that viewers have no choice but to mentally chew on that horrific visual. OMFG.
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Recap: Joey can't bring herself to give Pacey an on screen kiss while acting out a scene in Dawson's swamp creature movie, and an irked Dawson yells, "Cut!" ... and then later that evening in his bedroom tells Joey that sooner or later she's going to have to break down and kiss the dolt. Joey grumbles that she finds Pacey unkissworthy, then asks Dawson if he's kissed Jen yet...and he says he hasn't, but that it might take awhile given that she's [currently pretending to be] a virgin. As he puts the finishing touches on the fake Joey head he plans to use for the movie's decapitation scene, he suggests she get through the love scene by imagining that she's kissing someone who is kissworthy...and Joey lays back on his bed and quietly fantasizes about that list of one.
The next morning, Dawson drops by the classroom of the Mel Silver twin to ask if he could spend his fifth period study hall sitting in on his film class. Mel sighs heavily before agreeing, but makes it clear that he'll be expected to sit at the back, keep his trap shut, and refrain from participation of any kind.
Tamara enters her classroom and looks disconcerted to find Pacey sitting at her desk. She breezily tells him he should run along to whatever class he's supposed to be in right now - but he insists that they need to talk right now, namely about last night's smooch. Tamara scrunches her face in faux confusion and says she has no idea what he's talking about, so he smugly reminds her, "Your tongue was in my mouth" ... and Tamara smiles weakly at her students to assure them that 'nope, nothing's amiss here' while looking suitably stricken by the sexual ickiness that continues to brew between her and the Dumb and Dumber hairdo-ed fifteen year old.
During lunch, Dawson tells Joey and Pacey that they're going to need to film all weekend 'cause his swamp creature movie is running behind schedule. He tells Joey she can't continually refuse to kiss Pacey...but when she and Pacey both make blech faces, Dawson looks as if a light bulb suddenly turned on in his brain and decides he's going to do an impromptu rewrite and replace Joey with Jen as Pacey's on screen love interest, and decapitate Joey's character much earlier in the movie. Joey's like, "Whatever" and says she's fine with any solution that entails her not having to kiss Pacey.
Tamara is nervously babbling at her English class about Wuthering Heights, in particular what a shitty couple Heathcliff and Catherine made. She further opines that the two were horribly mismatched and didn't belong together, and that Emily Brontë should have saved her ink. As the students stare at each other in bewilderment at the literary tirade that is clearly directed solely at Pacey, Pacey reacts by staring despondently into space.
During film class, a pre-Felicity Scott Foley is giving the class an update about Capeside's entry for the junior level competition of the Boston Film Festival: a football themed film called Helmets of Glory, which was inspired by his experience as a Capeside High football player. Dawson grimaces in horror at the film's synopsis, then later tells Joey how dismayed he is that Capeside High is submitting a sports themed movie to a film festival that a boneheaded jock like Scott Foley wrote, directed, and starred in...and says this as if he himself is not in the process of filming an amateurishly cheesy horror flick about a murderous swamp creature that decapitates a fake Joey head. Joey clucks sympathetically - just as Dawson glances down the hall and notices Scott Foley approach Jen. He politely introduces himself and offers to show her around so she can get to know the townsfolk better, and Jen thanks him for the kind offer and says she may take him up on that once she's more settled in. She then breezes past Dawson and Joey, prompting Joey to scrunch her face in disapproval and declare to Dawson that slutty New York girls like Jen tend to move very fast when it comes to guys.
Dawson asks his dad if he's seen his camcorder, and Mitch says it's in the master bedroom...but that he may want to take the tape out so he doesn't accidentally watch his and Shaggy D.A.'s most recently filmed sexcapade and get that disturbing visual tattooed on his brain. Dawson's all, "Ew..", then asks his dad if he could give him some pointers on his kissing technique...and when Mitch starts cooing about the very first kiss he ever planted on Shaggy D.A., Dawson's all, "Ew.." and implores him to not get too graphic.
Joey is climbing the ladder that leads directly to Dawson's bedroom, instead of entering the Leery house through the front door like a normal person might.
As Joey eavesdrops from the second floor, Mitch gabbles at Dawson about the first kiss he ever gave Shaggy D.A., and said it happened shortly after they each put on a thick layer of chap stick 'cause both of their lips were super dry. He emphasizes that romance was the most important component of the kiss, then suggests that Dawson practice his technique on the fake Joey head he's holding. He manages to keep a straight face while instructing his rube son: "Moisten your lips, keep your bottom lip relaxed, let it dance with hers" ... and Dawson shuts his eyes and smooches the fake Joey head's lips, while Joey gets in on that action by closing her eyes and imagining that Dawson is kissing her actual lips. After a quick smooch, Mitch is all, "Atta boy!", and Dawson beams happily, implores his dad to never mention that this happened, and happily scampers off.
Joey notices a phone cord leading to a linen closet...where Shaggy D.A. can be heard chatting and giggling with Bob. A few seconds later, Shaggy D.A. exits the closet and is startled when she finds Joey standing in the hall, staring at her all judgey-like...then looks aghast when Joey stonily says, "I know."
Dawson shoots his movie's long awaited decapitation scene, which entails Joey ambling down the boat dock, looking for "Steven". She finds a bloodied shirt and is promptly attacked by the swamp creature. She strikes it with a canoe paddle before running off, then crouches behind a canoe while holding up the fake Joey head so that the swamp creature can "decapitate" her with a paddle. The cartoonish gore that ensues is exactly what one would expect of a horror flick death scene borne of the mind of Dawson, who giddily says he's delighted by how the scene turned out and is ready to move on with other scenes.
Jen follows Joey into Casa Leery to help her clean up all the fake blood that got splattered all over her clothes. Joey takes off her shirt and wraps herself in a towel, and Jen sneaks a peek and remarks on what a nice rack she has, then hastily assures her that it's purely a hetereo type observation. Joey whines that she's too tall and gangly, but Jen says she'd give anything to be similarly statuesque 'cause of how much she hates her stumpy, duck-like appearance. She then shrugs and says it's totes normal for teenage girls to hate the way they look...which I'm sure is true, but also kind of dicked up of the writers to continue perpetuating this brand of self-hatred. Joey looks surprised by Jen's low self-esteem and assures her that she doesn't resemble a duck, and Jen cheerily says she's going to make it very hard not to like her.
Dawson gets annoyed at Pacey for getting too into the kissing scene with Jen. He yells, "Cut!" and floats the idea of eliminating the kissing scene altogether, then declares filming a wrap for the day. He tells Jen he rented a bunch of John Travolta movies and invites her to join him, but she declines and says she accepted Scott Foley's invitation to accompany him to the school dance. She says it's not a date date - but then back pedals and admits that it's most probably a real date - and urges Dawson to come along, but he sulkily says he'd rather stay in and watch Travolta.
Dawson rails at Joey about what a lightweight Scott Foley is and how irked he is at Jen for being so casual about going to a dance with another guy. He imagines her and Scott Foley bantering flirtily and kissing while at the dance, and Joey rolls her eyes and chides him for being so dramatic. Dawson takes that as a cue to ratchet up the drama and declares that he should be the one kissing Jen...and to that end will storm over to the school gym and claim his prize. He invites Joey along, and she says that while his sudden reversal is pathetic, she's up to witnessing a good, old-fashioned self-inflicted public humiliation. She heads downstairs and eavesdrops as Shaggy D.A. tells Mitch that she might be working later than usual tonight...and as Shaggy D.A. passes Joey in the hall, Joey starts nattering about her sainted mother whose father created "everlasting damage" when he so callously cheated on her. Shaggy D.A. sheepishly asks if Dawson knows, and Dawson suddenly bounds down the stairs and goes, "Know what?" Joey quickly replies, "Know how to dance" and explains that she just told Shaggy D.A. they're off to the school dance...and a blissfully oblivious Dawson kisses his mom goodbye and heads out with Joey.
Jen is at the dance, decked out in a tiny black skirt and the kind of chunky sandals that were all the rage in the '90s. She banters with Scott Foley, who warns her that he's a rhythmically challenged dancer...and, yep, as soon as he and Jen hit the dance floor, we see that he definitely wasn't kidding 'bout that.
Pacey arrives at the dance and makes a beeline over to where Tamara's standing. She asks him how it's going, and instead of just saying, "Fine, thanks", he replies in the bloviatey type way the Dawson's Creek writers liked to generate what they imagined passed as reasonable sounding dialogue: "Confused, perplexed, bewildered, mystified: a thesaurus of emotion." Tamara's like, "Er, OK..?" and says that as a chaperone, she should probably go make the rounds now. Pacey asks her if she'd dance with him if things were different, and she replies in her usual mixed message kind of way by smilingly telling him she's walking away now.
Dawson scowls at the sight of Jen and Scott Foley jigging together on the dance floor, and Joey gleefully remarks on what a cute couple they make. She asks Dawson what his plan is now that he's here, and he admits to having no plan, then steers her onto the dance floor - just as the DJ plays a slow song. The two stare awkwardly at each other before they begin slow dancing...and a few seconds later, Jen and Scott Foley sidle next to them and make polite conversation about Dawson being in Scott's film class. Dawson says he dabbles in film making before abruptly saying, "I'll see ya" and steers Joey away. Later, when a fast song comes on, Dawson spots Jen exiting the gym and rushes after her. She looks pleasantly surprised to see him and says she's been looking everywhere for him [?? even though she was just talking to him on the dance floor] 'cause she wanted to ask him to dance, and he's like, "What about Scott Foley?" and sulkily points out that her date might get upset if she dances with another guy. Jen rolls her eyes, mutters, "Forget I asked", and heads into the ladies room.
Dawson sits at a table and stares sullenly at Jen and Scott Foley as they continue cutting a rug. When a bored Joey asks him if they can leave now, he ignores that plea and insists that he has a primal connection with Jen. He strides onto the dance floor, taps Scott Foley on the shoulder, and says he'd like to cut in...then corrects himself by saying he's ready to take over now. He thanks Scott Foley for showing Jen a great time thus far, then declares, "I'm here now in sound mind and body. I can take it from here." Jen and Scott Foley scrunch their faces confusedly and ask what in blazes he's nonsensically prattling about, so Dawson explains to Scott Foley that he and Jen have something going on...and that despite the something being raw and undefined, he feels it's time to clarify the situation. He asks Scott Foley to step aside so he can have a moment with the object of his desire...and Scott Foley looks over at an equally-as-puzzled Jen, calls the bizarreness of this interaction "too weird" - LOL - and snarks at the dork to get lost. Dawson refuses and gets all in his face, and Jen gets irritated at being thrust in the middle of such a stupid spectacle and snaps, "I'll make it easy for both of you!" and storms out of the gym.
Dawson ambles down the street with Joey and Pacey and complains about this evening being the single most horrific night of his life. He blames Joey and Pacey for allowing him to behave like such a deluded, love-sick moron, and they point out that nobody put a gun to his head and forced him to make a total horse's ass out of himself in front of a gymful of dancegoers.
Shaggy D.A. returns home from work, and she and Mitch reminisce about their first kiss. When she pretends to not remember that it involved chap stick, Mitch acts all appalled that she has no recollection of their first intimate encounter...then cackles with relief after Shaggy D.A. covertly applies a thick layer of chap stick and plops herself into his lap to give him a long smooch.
Pacey has a second in as many episodes run-in on the boat dock with Tamara, who apologizes for kissing him the other night. She calls it the most absurd thing she's ever done, and admits that she's self aware enough to realize that her teen flirting/kissing proclivities could well be punishable in a court of law. She hopes that her apology will be enough to keep from scarring him too badly, but Pacey says that he too bears responsibility - 'cause even though he's only fifteen years old, he willingly kissed her back and has zero regrets about it. Tamara firmly says it can never happen again...and by never happen again, she means she's definitely up for another round of pedo-on-boy action when Pacey pulls her toward him for a second smooch. Blech, writers. Blech.
Dawson moans, "It's oooooover with Jen", to which Joey wryly points out that it never really began. A few seconds later, Dawson spots Jen standing milling around the boardwalk and silently debates what he should do. He tells Joey he's going to bring a conclusion to the evening's humiliation by risking a second humiliating encounter, and Joey half-heartedly wishes him luck in getting his kiss.
Jen tells Dawson she's still sooooo angry at him and asks what he wants from her. He says he wants to know what's going on between them, apologizes for his embarrassingly idiotic behavior - but that in his defense he was worried he was becoming "the friend" she'd want to tell her boy adventures to, when what he really craves is to be the boy adventure. She asks if he can't be both, and he's like, "Er...no" 'cause the prospect is too complex for his fifteen year old brain. Jen mulls that over and says she'd be interested in having a boy adventure with him and asks what she has to do next, and Dawson perks up and suggests they kiss. Jen makes an ew face and natters about how she used to move really fast when she was in New York...whereas in Capeside she can finally walk "at a steady pace", but is soooo worried that if their lips touch "my knees will buckle and I'll stumble" and isn't sure she can handle it. LOL. Sounds like someone is trying to give polite, yet incoherent cover for how icked out she is by the thought of kissing Dawson. As his face contorts into a crestfallen expression, she throws him a bone by asking him if he'd like to dance with her here and now, and he happily agrees...while Joey stands several feet away and stares over at them wistfully.
Recap: Dawson and Joey are hanging in Dawson's bedroom, laying atop his bed watching the end of E.T. Dawson then clicks to the local news channel, where his mom in her unspeakably over-poofed Shaggy D.A. hairdo is delivering the nightly news with her co-anchor Bob. Joey climbs off of the bed and puts her shoes on, and Dawson's all, "Hey, don't go. Spend the night" - but Joey says she doesn't think it's a good idea for them to be doing that anymore, given that 1) they're not kids anymore, 2) they're heading back to high school on Monday, and 3) "I have breasts! You have genitalia!" Dawson giggles at that last thing as Joey adds, "Our emerging hormones are destined to alter our relationship, and I'm trying to limit the fallout" ... and Dawson refrains from asking, "The fuck you just say?" as if it's perfectly natural for a fifteen year old to use the kind of over-engineered dialogue that the Dawson's Creek writers embraced, stubbornly clung to [for six full seasons], and tried to pass off as plausible teenspeak. Dawson asks Joey if she has a "thang" for him, and she doth protests too much about definitely not having a "thang" for him, but that she does think they need to make adjustments to their friendship now that they're in the throes of puberty. Dawson disagrees and says he believes they can transcend such problems, tells her not to get "female" on him, and threatens to start calling her Josephine. Joey's all, "Noooooo!" and leaps atop the bed, where they wrestle playfully while carefully avoiding any accidental hanky panky action. Dawson insists that they're besties for life and says he doesn't ever want to talk about this again...and Joey agrees, then slips between the sheets, where she curls up on one side of the bed and falls fast asleep.
After the opening credits, Joey is sunning herself on a dock when a swamp creature leaps out of the lake, grabs her, and pulls her into the water. Behind the rolling camera, an irritated Dawson yells, "Cut!" and admonishes Pacey for not properly timing his cinematic grabbing of Joey, and Joey snaps at Pacey for grabbing her ass during every take. A few seconds later, a yellow cab pulls up in the driveway next door, and a teenage blonde girl steps out. Dawson's all, "Wuh?" and stares at her dreamily...and the camera goes all slo-mo while she lumbers in his direction. She introduces herself as Jen Lindley, reminds Dawson that she's his neighbor's granddaughter and that they've met once before...then says the story she's sticking to (for now, anyway) is that she's temporarily living with her Grams, who needs help caring for her ailing Gramps. Joey scowls at the interloper before bitchily introducing herself as someone she's never met before, and Jen's like, "OK then" and says she should probably go say hey to her Grams now.
Pacey razzes Dawson about wanting to nail Jen as the two enter Casa Leery, where Mitch (Dawson's father) is dry humping Shaggy D.A. in the middle of the living room. A mortified Dawson's all, "OMG, mom and dad!", and a red-faced Mitch and Shaggy D.A. abruptly pull away from each other and are all, "OMG, son! We didn't expect you home so soon!" Shaggy D.A. smooths her mane and says she should prolly head to work now, then smooches her husband before rushing out.
Joey rowboats to her house and runs into her sister's boyfriend Bodie, who asks her to taste something he just whipped up in a saucepan. Joey's pregnant sister Bessie emerges from the house, and she and Joey argue about something or other before Joey stomps past her like a petulant turd.
Dawson and Pacey are working a shift at the downtown video rental place when a sexy middle aged blonde woman ambles in wearing a skimpy, thigh baring sundress. She introduces herself as Tamara and says she's new in town and wants to rent a video, and Pacey smarmily introduces himself and offers to help her find something sensual to enjoy. She shoots him a coquettish smile, then purrs about how eager she is to re-watch The Graduate - subtle, show - and Dawson rushes to the back room to fetch the video. He registers Tamara as a new member and hands her the video, and she tells Pacey it was nice to meet him. As she sexily sashays out, Pacey boasts to an icked out Dawson about how desperately Tamara wants to [commit a felony and] hit the sheets with him.
Dawson returns home and finds Jen sitting on the dock, staring contemplatively at the water. He wanders over, shows her the videos he checked out, and explains that he's researching swamp things for the movie he's currently filming. He then invites her up to his room so he can show off his collection of Spielberg movie posters...and when Jen jokes that he doesn't appear to be living in reality, he argues that, on the contrary, all of life's answers can be found in a Spielberg film [except for dreck like Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 'cause the only life lesson there was that Spielberg should have begun and ended the Indiana Jones series with Raiders of the Lost Ark].
Joey is climbing up the ladder to Dawson's bedroom, but stops when she hears Dawson nattering at Jen about an upcoming film festival. From next door, Gram screeches at Jen to get herself home now, and Jen tells Dawson she should probably go see what the old woman wants. Joey waits for Jen to leave before climbing through Dawson's window, and the two settle onto the bed to watch the local news. Dawson carefully studies the banter between his mom and her co-anchor Bob and says he gets the feeling that the two are getting it on - but Joey says it can't possibly true 'cause no woman in her right mind would cheat on a hot mimbo like Mitch.
The next morning, Jen checks in on her unresponsive grandfather. As she sadly stares down at the massive incision scar on his chest, Grams appears in the doorway, tells her that breakfast is ready, and urges her not to be late for her first day of school.
As Grams whips up scrambled eggs, Jen tells her it's not necessary to go to the trouble 'cause she doesn't normally eat breakfast, then asks what the deal is with Dawson and Joey. Grams purses her lips disapprovingly and says that Joey has been climbing the ladder into that dork's bedroom for years...and that since neither goes to church, they're what people - and by people, she mostly means herself - would call "the wrong elements". She then clasps her hands together and says grace, urging Jen to do likewise - but Jen says she's not into church, the bible, or any kind of "prayer stuff". She declares herself an atheist, to which Grams responds by staring back at her in horror.
At Capeside High, a cute blonde approaches Jen and introduces herself as Nellie Oleson - but quickly adds that she's nothing like the catty bitch from Little House on the Prairie her parents named her after. She asks Jen if she likes to party...and Jen says that if by party she means have fun in a wholesome, substance-free way, then sure. Nellie mumbles something unintelligible and strides off - just as Dawson ambles over and creepishly looms over Jen before offering to walk her to her biology homeroom.
Pacey is stunned when he saunters into his homeroom and sees that Tamara is his new English teacher. She gives him a friendly hello, then discreetly adds that he should probably refer to her as Miss Jacobs during school hours.
Jen enters biology class and seats herself beside Joey, after either ignoring or being oblivious to the bitchy way that Joey was slinking in her chair as if she thought it would prevent Jen from noticing her.
Dawson complains to the teacher of Capeside's only film class - hey, it's the twin (!) of the guy who played Mel Silver on Beverly Hills, 90210! - that he was denied admittance to the class. Mel explains that he was denied 'cause he's a sophomore and that he's only allowing seniors to enroll 'cause of the high demand among students to earn what sounds like a pretty easy course credit. Dawson sneers at the stupidity of the policy and moans about how passionate he is about filmmaking and how badly he neeeeeeeeds this opportunity - but Mel tells him that the class is maxed out and to get the hell out of his classroom.
After first period, Jen asks Joey if she and Dawson have a thing, and Joey mumbles that they're just friends, to which Jen replies, "Like we're going to be, I hope." When Joey just rolls her eyes in disgust at the idea of not behaving like a rude dickwad to Dawson's new crush, Jen tells her that Grams has warned her to steer clear of her and Dawson. Joey says that while her Grams is "cracked", the townsfolk are known to be judgey about her family members' colorful-for-Capeside history:
She then glares at Jen as she bitchily informs her that Dawson likes (as in likes likes) her, then storms off. In the next scene, Joey spends the lunch hour scowling at Dawson while he gives Jen the lowdown on various Capeside teachers, then asks her if she wouldn't mind looking over his latest movie script.
Pacey stops by Tamara's classroom to give her another May-December themed movie suggestion, but she tells him she's not interested in renting anything tonight 'cause she has plans to see the new film that's playing at the Rialto. Pacey perks up at that and says he'll consider it an open invitation to join her there...and she refrains from confirming that that's precisely why she told him exactly where he'd be able to find her this evening.
Pacey tells Dawson that, by scripted coincidence, the hottie from the video store just happens to be his new English teacher...then begs him to accompany him to the Rialto tonight so he can stalk Tamara and keep his fingers crossed that it'll result in the loss of his virginity. Dawson's all, "Ew..", then looks dismayed when he sees Jen talking to a cute football player. Pacey urges him to be more assertive, so Dawson wanders over and invites Jen to the Rialto tonight with him and Pacey.
Dawson runs into Joey while she's ambling down the street and invites her to join him, Pacey, and Jen at the movies so that Jen won't feel weird being the only girl with him and Pacey. Joey makes a blech face and grumbles, "I'd rather go down in a plane crash", then hems and haws before finally agreeing to come along.
Jen tells Grams she's off to the movies with Dawson tonight, and Grams grants her permission as long as she attends church with her on Sunday. Jen's like, "Mmm...no" - but then reverses that and agrees to go if Gram says the word penis. Grams looks horrified at the prospect, and an amused Jen tells her she's going to have to lighten up about naming naughty parts aloud on command.
Dawson tells Mitch he's off to the movies with Jen...and Mitch holds up a tiny plastic doll wearing scuba gear and says he's fleshing out a stupid idea for an aquatic themed restaurant. He then turns his attention to the TV and watches Shaggy D.A. deliver the news, and moans about how watching her work is like foreplay. Dawson's all, "OMG, dad! Eww!" and rails about how everyone on this show constantly talks about sex, sex, sex, and more sex. Mitch points out that sex is a big part of being human, and Dawson primly says he strongly feels that sex should be kept tightly under wraps, the way Saint Spielberg does in his films.
Bessie chides Joey for her relentless bitchitude, then forcibly applies a layer of lipstick on her scowling lips before giving her the entire tube so she can freshen up while on her movie "date".
While walking to the Rialto, Jen compliments Jo on her lipstick and asks what shade it is, and Joey bitchily retorts by asking her what number blonde dye she used on her hair. When Jen politely says she just uses highlights, Joey abruptly changes the subject and demands to know if she's a virgin...and Jen somehow refrains from snapping at the twit that a near stranger's sex life is none of her fucking business and fibs that, yep, she's a virgin all right. Through all this, a mortified Dawson just groans uselessly.
In the darkness of the movie theater, Joey watches Dawson reach for Jen's hand and interrupts the tender moment by boorishly asking Jen how important penis size is to her. Jen says that since she's [pretending to be] a virgin, she hasn't given a lot of thought to penis size...and a fed up Dawson grabs Joey by the hand and forcibly drags her out of the theater.
Pacey sees Tamara arrive and makes a beeline over to where she's sitting. As he seats himself beside her and babbles about more of his favorite 'pubescent-boy-gets-laid-by-a-horny-cougar' themed films, Tamara's date (Mel Silver) wanders over with a giant bucket of popcorn and offers to escort Pacey back to his seat. Pacey refuses to leave, and the ensuing skirmish results in Mel's popcorn bucket goes flying and spilling onto the man sitting in the row behind them. The man reacts by leaping out of his seat and punching Pacey in the face - a senseless act of violence that probably shouldn't have made me laugh as hard as I did.
Dawson asks Joey what hell her problem is, so she rails about how little attention he's been paying to her ever since "Little Miss Highlights" breezed into Capeside. Dawson admits that indeed he's smitten with Jen and asks for a little understanding, and Joey contorts her face miserably and nonsensically rambles, "I'm tired of understanding! All I dooooooo is understand!" She squawks about how nothing penetrates with him 'cause of how far removed from reality he is and can't see what's right in front of him...and when he stares back at her confusedly and asks what in blazes she's talking about, she natters about how he has no idea he's living a fairy-tale life and that the only conflict in his life is limited to the pages of his movie scripts. She snappishly tells him to stop living in the movies and grow up, then angrily stalks off.
Dawson walks Jen home and starts to lean in for a goodnight kiss - but she doesn't look into it and keeps her mouth occupied by babbling about how she holds herself responsible for tonight's debacle. Dawson disagrees and says that he's the loser who "pulled the pin and tossed the grenade" - but Jen argues that he's very sweet, smart, and cool without being obnoxious about it. She thanks him for helping make her transition from New York to Hicksville a smooth one...and when Grams turns on the porch light and stands in the doorway, Jen tells Dawson she's going to pretend that they just kissed, then scampers up the front steps...leaving a blushing Dawson staring after her.
Pacey runs into Tamara as she strolls along the dock. She coos sympathetically over his shiner and says she'd like to clear up the misunderstanding she's helped create by acting so flirty-kittenish every time she's been in his presence. Pacey accuses her of being a liar, then bitterly describes her as a well put together woman who clearly enjoys it when a hot young buck such as himself is attracted to her...and can't help fantasizing about what it would like to be boned by "that boy on the verge of manhood". He tells her she blew it and that he's "the best sex you'll never have" - bwahahaha! - and she interrupts him to correct him about one thing, namely: "You're not a boy." [Re-correction: uh, yes he is, pedo.] She leans in and gives him an intense smooch, then pulls away and moans, "Oh God!" before running off. 'Oh God' indeed.
Dawson returns to his bedroom and finds Joey moping in his closet. He admits to her that he probably does under-appreciate his perfect life, apologizes for being "an insensitive male", then tells her that even though he thought she looked really pretty wearing lipstick this evening, his feelings didn't go beyond that observation. Ouch. Joey hastily pretends as though she didn't actually want to be the one holding his hand in the movie theater, but for some unknown reason didn't like the idea of Jen being the one holding it...and a tortured looking Dawson asks where this leaves them, then moans about how complicated all of this contrived nonsense is. Joey heads toward the window and says she definitely can't sleep over anymore, and that they can't talk about everything the way they used to. When Dawson insists that he can tell her anything, she challenges that claim by asking when and how often he walks his dog [which took me a second to translate to 'spank the monkey', which is kind of a dumb thing to expect an answer to, 'cause does anyone other than the Sex and the City skanks have any real desire to discuss the frequency of their masturbatory pleasuring?]. Dawson just stares back at her mutely before saying good night, and Joey hurriedly crawls out the window and rushes down the ladder before tearfully fleeing to her rowboat. A few seconds later, Dawson pokes his head out of the window and bellows, "Usually in the morning! With Katie Couric!" Joey giggles at that disturbing visual as she begins the row home...and then happens to catch sight of Shaggy D.A. as she's being dropped off by her co-anchor Bob. Joey covertly watches as Shaggy D.A., who somehow appears oblivious to the fact that she's currently situated in front of the house she lives in with her husband and son, walks around to the driver's side of the car and leans in to give Bob a long, hot smooch.