Dallas - Season 3, Episode 5

What could possibly go wrong with these two hooking up?

"The Kristin Affair"
Original airdate: 10/19/1979

Episode summary: JR installs Kristin in a hideously decorated condo, where the two begin a torrid affair. Pam continues to keep Bobby in the dark about her genetic disorder.

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Recap: Kristin is enjoying an early morning frolic in the Southfork pool...and she contorts her freakish Joker-like lips into a smug grin when she notices JR standing a few feet away, brazenly ogling her taut, bikini clad bod. She gives JR a better eyeful of her curvy attributes when she flips onto her back for a leisurely backstroke, then climbs out of the pool so she can gratuitously display her entire near naked self. JR hands her a towel and tells her how positively fetching she looks in wet skimpy-wear, and Kristin tells him she loooooves spending time at Southfork 'cause it really makes her feel like part of the family...and JR assures her she is part of the family and adds that he's going to miss staring hungrily at her when she heads back to Santa Fe. Sue Ellen emerges from the house in her bathing suit, and JR sidles over to her and suggests that since he has a brief opening in his morning schedule, they could go upstairs and pound one out. Sue Ellen disinterestedly rolls her eyes at the bizarre proposal, sneers about how not subtle he is whenever the "romantic" mood strikes, then casually sashays over to the pool to listlessly lay on a lounger.  

Over at Ewing Oil, JR receives the latest OLM report, aka a bitchy assessment of how Ewing Oil is not doing nearly enough to meet the new emission standards. Jordan Lee drops by to rail at JR about how annoying it is to the rest of the cartel members that the OLM keeps hassling them and says they're considering forming a new cartel (sans Ewing Oil).  JR summons Bobby to his office and snarks at him to put more pressure on the Austin senators 'cause they don't seem to be moving fast enough to rein in the OLM - but Bobby says he doesn't really want to spend so much time in Austin, and reminds JR that he has a job here, plus a ranch to help run. The two bicker for a few more minutes...and after Bobby stomps out, JR pulls out a cash-filled briefcase and smiles smugly. 

JR meets with Alan Beam for a secret one-on-one and asks him how the Cliff Barnes for Congress scheme is coming along. Alan tells him they're getting "nibbles" from potential fake donors, and JR snaps that nibbles are no longer enough and that he wants him to step up his efforts pronto. He shows Alan his cash-filled briefcase and cackles about how money is the best way to any politician's heart...and tells him to use this cash to seduce Cliff into believing he has a lot of donor support to help him run a congressional campaign. Once he's convinced he's a shoo-in and resigns from the OLM, the financing for his campaign will suddenly dry up. 

During dinner at Southfork, Mama Shepard tells the Ewings she's totes excited about her upcoming trip to Europe with the new rich beau she was somehow able to snag. Kristin does her best to look as dispirited as possible when she tells everyone about her plans to attend architecture school in Santa Fe, and wonders aloud if she's missing something by rushing into higher education too fast. Mama Shepard's like prolly and says she'd much prefer her to focus all of her energy into getting her hooks into a marriageable rich man so she can live a pampered life of leisure, and Kristin perks up at that and says she's so eager to stay in Dallas and cruise the single scene that she'd settle for a temporary job. JR tells her there's a vacancy at Ewing Oil 'cause one of the secretaries is on an extended honeymoon trip, and Kristin excitedly says she'd loooove that...then contorts her face into a faux contrite expression and says she couldn't possibly continue living at Southfork and sponging off of the rich Ewings. JR suggests she move into one of Ewing Oil's condos (aka, a continuation of her sponging) ... and when Mama Shepard asks a grim-faced Sue Ellen what she thinks of all this, Sue Ellen just shrugs and wearily retorts, "Kristin always knows exactly what she's doing."

"My original plan was to return to Santa Fe and study architecture so that I could become a productive, contributing member of society."

"Shame on you. That's not the kind of gold digger I raised you to be."

Later that night, Mama Shepard tells Kristin that JR is a fine man, and hopes that she too can land as rich and powerful a husband...or land this particular rich and powerful husband. She advises Kristin to keep her eyes peeled for the right opportunity...then pretends to cluck sympathetically about Sue Ellen's post-partum depression and says that, because of her constant depression, things might not end well between her and JR. Kristin slyly replies, "I'll worry about JR", and Mama Shepard nods approvingly at the icky possibility of both her daughters being nailed by the same man and says, "Whatever you do, it'll be the right thing for all of us." Kristin promises to not let her down.

JR is showing slide photos of potential drill sites in Southeast Asia to the cartel members, but they make it clear they're way too nervous about expanding their oil drilling outside the United States and decline getting in on the deal. Kristin sashays into the room, wearing a strapless top that accentuates her cleavage, and sets down a tray of snacks. The men eye her ample bosom, then cackle at JR for not falling into the trap of "all work and no play" ... and don't stop cackling even after JR pretends to look offended as he informs them that Kristin is his wife's sister.   

Bobby tells Miss Ellie he's off to Austin, and that he's worried about the OLM continuing to put the screws to Ewing Oil. A few seconds later, the nurse from Pam's gynecologist office calls Southfork to confirm her appointment, and Bobby's like, "Gynecologist..?", then stares up at the sky looking happy and hopeful.

JR tells a consultant that Ewing Oil is going it alone in Asia, and that he wants to be assured his company will beat out any competing bids. The consultant hems and haws about the unethical nature of providing inside info to a bidder, then decides 'ah fuck it', and writes down his "opinion" on what the highest bid would be and advises JR to top that number by a wide margin. 

JR meets with (banker) Vaughn Leland to request a ginormous loan so that Ewing Oil can drill overseas - but Leland says he's reluctant to loan him that much money, especially since it's a risky venture that doesn't include any of the other cartel members. JR reminds him that Ewing Oil has made him rich over the years and strongly urges him to reconsider, then says he's determined to head up the biggest and most independent oil company in all of prime time TV. 

Cliff and Pam meet up for another of their anxiety-ridden one-on-ones on a public street. He tells her he's miffed that she's seriously considering an abortion, so she explains that she simply can't bear the thought of watching her baby get sick and die during infancy, and that she still hasn't found the right moment to tell Bobby about any of this so that he could be weighing in. Cliff just shrugs and is all, "Whatever...this is yours and Bobby's decision to make", and Pam says it would help a lot if the Ewings weren't always under so much pressure from the OLM. Cliff says he has no intention of easing up on her shitty in-laws, and that one day soon he intends to "break JR" by announcing to the world that Baby John Ross is his spawn.

"Can't you ease up on the Ewings with all your bogus OLM restrictions?"

"No, 'cause aside from the off-chance that I'm Sue Ellen's baby daddy, it's the only thing that gives me any relevance on this show."

JR finds Kristin hanging on the Southfork patio, and she waxes on about how much she looooves being on the ranch 'cause it has real strength, just like Ewing males...which is an odd sounding analogy, but OK. JR purrs, "And you're a lady who likes strength" - just as Sue Ellen appears from out of nowhere, glares suspiciously at the two of them, and snaps, "I didn't know anyone was out here." JR sheepishly says he was just showing Kristin the lovely view from the patio...and when Sue Ellen rolls her eyes and retreats back inside the house, JR continues to flirt with Kristin. 

Pam greets Bobby after he returns from yet another hectic day in Austin. He tells her she got a call from her gynecologist's office earlier and comes right out and asks her if she's pregnant, and she confirms that she is. Bobby woots happily and lifts her for an up-in-the-air hug, then steers her over to his car 'cause he suddenly wants to whisk her to downtown Dallas for a celebratory dinner. 

The next morning, Pam tells Bobby there's something she really really needs to tell him - but he says there'll be plenty of time for that after he's announced the happy baby news to the family. LOL. They head downstairs to the patio, where everyone's assembled for breakfast, and Bobby blurts out the news of his bun in Pam's oven. The Ewings squeal delightedly and jump up to hug the expectant parents, while Sue Ellen stares indifferently into space. A few minutes later, she pulls JR aside and snarkishly tells him that the family finally has what it's always wanted: a real Ewing heir. Ouch.

"Hold onto your hats, everyone. Pam's preggers!"

"Finally...an heir that isn't Cliff's love spawn."

Bobby walks Pam to her car and asks her what she really really needed to tell him earlier, and she says it's not important, then glumly climbs into her car and stares despondently into space. 

Kristin gabbles about how exciting it is that Pam's pregnant, and Sue Ellen woodenly mutters, "Yeah...real exciting." An exasperated Kristin asks her if there's anything she actually gives a rat's ass about anymore, including her not-so-subtle flirtation with JR, but Sue Ellen just shrugs and asks what it matters, since she (Kristin) just does whatever she wants, regardless of how it affects anyone else. Fair point.

While driving to work, JR tells Kristin her new condo is ready for her to move into...and when she gushes at him for being such a great brother-in-law, he asks her if brother-in-law is really the way she thinks of him, then urges her to "work on that" and come up with a more interesting idea for both of them. Subtle, JR.

When JR barks at Bobby to step up his visits to Austin to pressure the senators, Bobby says it's really not necessary for him to be taking daily trips anymore, then wonders aloud if there's some reason he's trying to get him out of the picture with all this superfluous travel.

JR shows Kristin her new condo, a horror show of hideous '70s wallpaper clashing with floral couches. She tells him she's super happy about getting her own digs and gives him a thank you kiss, then heads down the hall to the bedroom. As Kristin shoots JR a come hither stare in the mirror, he gives her a come-from-behind embrace that TV shows always like to do and starts unbuttoning her blouse. She whirls around to face him and makes it clear that she didn't give up architecture school for something as tawdry as a one night stand, and he scrunches his face unhappily and says, "I hope you're not expecting any promises." Kristin assures him she isn't - but that since she totally is expecting promises and a whole lot more, she needs more time to ponder how badly she wants to throw all sense of decency to the wind by hopping into the sack with her own sister's husband. JR looks satisfied enough with that answer and tells her to take all the time she needs.

"I'm hoping to become Wife Number Two."

"If by Wife Number Two you're expecting me to commit to more than just the occasional roll in the hay, then sorry...no can do."

Vaughn Leland tells JR that three banks are willing to loan him $100 million under one condition: put up Southfork as collateral. JR looks aghast and says he couldn't possibly mortgage his family's beloved home...but when Leland says that the banks are insisting on it, JR mulls it over for a few seconds and goes, "Done."

Pam is having lunch with Digger, who's doing a whole lot better now that his recast is no longer boozing all day long and burning the candle at both ends. Pam breaks the news that she's pregnant, and Digger calls it wonderful news, and reminds her that both she and Cliff survived babyhood, despite being diseased with his genetic disorder. He urges her to keep quiet about it to Bobby and just keep her fingers crossed that everything is going to turn out fine...which seems like weird fatherly advice, but OK.

Kristin enters JR's office to deliver an unsigned letter, then starts rifling through his drawers. She jimmies open a locked drawer and finds a black briefcase filled with intel about his secret Southeast Asia drilling plans and looks intrigued as she reads it over.

JR meets with Leland to go over the paperwork for the ginormous loan application. Leland warns him that if something in Asia goes wrong and causes Ewing Oil to fall behind on its payments, the bank will have no choice but to take over Southfork. JR dismissively calls that "loser talk" and declares that Ewing Oil will soon become a powerhouse in the oil industry. The two men celebrate with a drink.

As JR breaks open a bottle of champagne over in Condo Horrible, Kristin says she definitely made the right decision to pass on architecture school, 'cause there's no way it could possibly be as interesting as the oil business. She purrs about how utterly fascinating she finds everything...and by everything, she means all the secrets she just got wind of that he's obviously keeping from the rest of the family. When JR's all, "Wuh? Secrets?", she tells him she has some of the pieces to the puzzle - e.g. clandestine meetings with Vaughn Leland, maps of drilling sites in Southeast Asia, and a huge bank loan - and JR exclaims, "Why, you devious witch!" Kristin saucily retorts, "I thought you liked devious", and JR says he looooves it, then asks what she plans to do with her newly discovered intel. She promises to keep it under her hat - but, in exchange, she wants him to make lots of return visits to her condo for extramarital romps. JR looks untroubled by that arrangement, and the two stare at each hungrily before quickly getting it on.

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