Dallas - Season 3, Episode 17

"I'm mostly sad 'cause my backup gold digging option unexpectedly dried up."

"Paternity Suit"
Original airdate: 1/11/1980

Episode summary: When Cliff's congressional campaign comes to an abrupt end, he seeks revenge against JR by laying claim to Baby John via a paternity lawsuit.

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Recap: JR is gabbling with Alan Beam on the phone, promising to reward him for doing such a bang-up job screwing with Cliff's career and political aspirations. He then calls up some associate named Danny (Denny?) to urge him to watch the press conference that's about to air on KGIM - just as the camera pans over to Cliff sitting in KGIM's hair and makeup room, looking over his notes for the energizing speech he's about to give to viewers. Alan bursts into the room to break the "bad news": every last dime of his campaign donations have suddenly dried up, meaning that this will be his last broadcast as a congressional candidate. Cliff's all, "Wha-a-a-a? How is that posssssssible?!", so Alan "explains" that the big money donors who were the only thing keeping his campaign afloat have mysteriously jumped ship...leaving him no choice but to gracefully bow out of the race. As a deflated Cliff shuffles off to sadly deliver his final speech, Alan removes the Cliff for Congress button from his jacket and smirks evilly as he tosses it in the direction of the nearest trash can.

​Cliff tells his television audience that since his fundraising has hit a baffling standstill, he's forced to withdraw from his campaign. Over at Southfork, Miss Ellie is watching the speech and murmurs, "Poor Digger.." while Sue Ellen bitchily snarks, "Some people deserve to fail." Over at Ewing Oil, JR and Jock gleefully cackle over the new development and decide to have a celebratory drink at the Cattleman's Club...while Bobby opts to remain behind and stare worriedly into space about how the fallout is going to affect his marriage.

Sue Ellen gets a call from Dusty, who tells her he's at the Regent Hotel in Fort Worth and would like to see her asap. As Lucy shamelessly eavesdrops on the call, Sue Ellen talks to him in cryptic fashion, then sashays over to Miss Ellie and fibs that she just spoke to the husband of her old college gal pal, who just invited her to attend her pal's surprise birthday party in New Orleans. Miss Ellie urges her to get out of town for the night and have some fun, and promises to look after her spawn while she's away.

Cliff storms into the Cattleman's Club and makes a beeline over to where JR, Jock, and a couple of oil cronies are sitting and announces that he's calling for an investigation by the Federal Elections Commission, 'cause he's pretty sure that JR somehow intimidated his contributors. JR laughs at the notion of anyone being dumb enough to offer him financial campaign support...and Cliff mulls over the specific nature of that insult and correctly guesses that JR has been the one fake bankrolling him all this time. JR stares back at him with wide-eyed amusement and smirkingly says he'd never do anything illegal - and Cliff responds by grabbing him by the collar in preparation for a smackdown. Jock grabs Cliff from behind and growls, "Cool it boy" - and Cliff vows to somehow someday nail JR for what he's done. JR glares at him disdainfully as he says, "You have to be a man to play in my league" then tells him to run along. After an enraged Cliff storms off, Jock chides JR for shredding the man's last scrap of dignity - but JR just shrugs and reminds his daddy that since Cliff is no longer head of the OLM, he no longer presents a threat to Ewing Oil.

"You've been fake bankrolling my campaign?!"

"That would be illegal. So yes."

Sue Ellen arrives at Dusty's Fort Worth hotel room wearing a thick fur coat and carrying an overnight bag...and he marvels over how pretty she is. He tells her he's soooooo happy to see her again, and she tells him how happy she is that he called...and the two engage in a long, chemistry-free smoochfest.

Digger is boozing it up in Cliff's apartment [I guess this means he's officially fallen off the wagon] when Debra Johns from the Dallas Press comes knockin' to get a statement about Cliff's aborted campaign. She asks Digger how he feels about it...then covertly hits the record button on her tape recorder as Digger drunkenly blathers about Baby John Ewing being the love spawn of Cliff and Sue Ellen. A few minutes later, Cliff arrives home...and when Debra asks him if he'd like to confirm or deny his father's claim that Baby John Ewing is his, Cliff confirms he is. Most likely. Digger salutes his son's sassy declaration by raising his glass of booze in his direction before guzzling it. 

Sue Ellen tells Dusty how much she enjoyed their doinkfest last night - just as room service and the morning paper arrives. She picks up the paper and is aghast at the front page headline - Barnes Claims Ewing Child His - and tells Dusty she needs to head back to Southfork pronto. 

As Jock rails about the headline, JR weakly says it's just Cliff's "cheap way" of getting revenge on the Ewings for his failed campaign. When Jock, who just seems to blindly assume that Sue Ellen has been faithful to JR all this time, suggests suing Cliff for libel, Bobby and JR look alarmed and JR tells him that taking the matter to court is probably not the best solution 'cause it could send Sue Ellen on another sanity-busting tailspin. When Sue Ellen returns home from "New Orleans", Jock assures her he'll take care of Cliff's public lies...and, to that end, he rushes off to call the family's high-priced attorney, Harv Smithfield.

Pam asks Cliff why in blazes he'd tell a reporter that he's Baby John's bio dad, so he tells her that JR was the one who scammed him into quitting the OLM by launching a fake funded congressional campaign. He says he's refusing to go down quietly and, less importantly, is slightly miffed that he's never really had a chance to spend time with his own baby.

Sue Ellen stops by Ewing Oil to join Harv's meeting with Jock and JR to discuss combating Cliff's "lies". Harv says he drew up papers for Sue Ellen to initiate a 500K lawsuit against Cliff and the Dallas Press, and Sue Ellen's all, "Wuh? I have to initiate the lawsuit?" Harv gives her a strange look as he replies, "Well duh. Hasn't this scandal caused you to suffer mental anguish?" - but then stops short of asking her if there's any truth to Cliff's claim. Sue Ellen stares back at him blankly for a few seconds before pretending that, yep, she's mentally anguished all right - but doesn't think that slapping Cliff with a lawsuit is the best way to respond. She haughtily says in her obnoxious southern belle manner that her momma used to always say 'a lady doesn't dignify an insult by answering it' - but Jock just rolls his eyes and tells her to sign the damn papers, which she dutifully does.

"Hold on - you didn't actually sleep with Cliff and then get pregnant soon after, did you?"

"A lady would not dignify that reasonable question with an honest response."

​Sue Ellen rushes up to the nursery upon returning to Southfork with JR closely in tow. She tells him really didn't want to sign those papers - and JR snarls that none of this would be happening if she hadn't whored around with Cliff [around the time he was whoring around with every willing, nubile tart who happened to stumble into his orbit]. Sue Ellen's like, "Whatever" and canoodles her baby while JR storms out of the room in disgust.

Cliff's lawyer friend, Barry Lester, tells Cliff and Digger that the funding sources for his doomed campaign look legit. He asks if it's possible for Alan to have been in on JR's scheme, but Cliff confidently replies, "No chance." A few seconds later, Cliff receives registered mail, aka official notice that he's being sued by Sue Ellen for libel. Barry says he could retort by suing for visitation of Baby John if he can prove his paternity...and Cliff mulls that over, decides a bold move like that would definitely irk JR, and tells Barry to draw up the papers asap.

Sue Ellen rushes back to Dusty's hotel room in Forth Worth in her thick fur coat to gauge his reaction to her baby daddy scandal. When he asks her if it's true that Cliff is her spawn's bio dad, she admits he could be...and says the two of them prolly shouldn't be rendezvousing in hotels until the scandal dies down. Dusty gets irked and wails, "I thought I was rescuing you from a bad marriage!" then asks her how many of these "little affairs" she's been having while married to JR. Sue Ellen angrily says he couldn't be more wrong about her feelings for him, then flounces out of the room. 

Harv arrives at Southfork with news of a grim development: Cliff has initiated a custody suit, and is demanding blood tests to prove for once and for all who in the hell Baby John's damn father is. Sue Ellen shrieks, "Never!" and calls the suit humiliating and degrading...and Harv urges her to comply 'cause it'd be very weird if she or JR refused to submit to the blood test. 

JR follows Sue Ellen up to the nursery and tells her if the blood test proves that Cliff knocked her up, he'll get a quickie divorce, steel-toe her ass out of Southfork, and let her walk the streets for all he cares.

Lucy and Miss Ellie are clothes shopping when two society women (Marilee and an unnamed friend) stop over to say hey, and that they'll miss seeing the disgraced Sue Ellen at the upcoming Daughters of the Alamo awards dinner. Miss Ellie says, on the contrary, the entire Ewing clan is planning to show up for the event, and that she's even hosting a pre-dinner party at Southfork for all of the attendees. Marilee and her unnamed friend accept the invitation, then amble off while giggling to each other how the scandal-ridden Ewings have nerves of steel. Lucy chuckles and tells Miss Ellie she handled that beautifully, and Miss Ellie nods in agreement as she sanctimoniously declares, "Ewings don't back down."

That evening, Sue Ellen wanders outside to stare forlornly into space at her predicament. She encounters Bobby, who's sitting on the patio enjoying a drink, and laments messing things up so badly. Bobby says it's not helpful to worry about her slutty past, and promises to stand by her, whatever the blood tests reveal. Sue Ellen tears up and says she has no idea what she'll do if the tests prove she's "a whore" ... not least 'cause now that Dusty has forsaken her, she has no backup rich man to sponge off of in the event that her baby daddy turns out to be Cliff.

During breakfast the next morning, Bobby takes a call from Harv, who tells him that the blood tests were inconclusive 'cause both JR and Cliff have the same blood type. Bobby announces to the family says the court ordered new, more sophisticated testing...and Sue Ellen, Bobby, Pam, and JR fidget uncomfortably as they stare worriedly into space.

"Brace yourselves, everyone. The judge has ordered a much more sophisticated paternity test."

"My weak public denials of hanky panky will be no match against hard science."

As JR and Sue Ellen go to the clinic to give another round of blood, Sue Ellen haughtily asks the doctor how many times they're going to have to put up with this indignity. The doctor's like, "Dunno" but promises to do the testing immediately - then sternly rebuffs JR's thinly veiled attempt at bribery by firmly telling him he can't be bought and intends to be 100% impartial with respect to this sordid baby daddy matter.

Cliff returns home after his blood test and tells Digger he's pretty sure it will prove that he's Baby John's father.

Party time! The Ewings are mingling with the Daughters of the Alamo dinner crowd when Jock announces to the family that Harv Smithfield is coming over with the paternity test results...and makes that announcement loud enough for Marilee (and whoever else is standing nearby) to hear. Marilee snidely remarks that they're finally going to learn who the tot's father is, and Jock shoots her the stink-eye before gruffly retorting, "We already know who the father is."

Sue Ellen enters the study where the liquor is stored...and is about to pick up a bottle and throw all good sense to the wind when Lucy enters to room to smirkingly tell her she has another phone call from the "husband of her college gal pal" who had called earlier. Sue Ellen picks up the extension to talk to Dusty, who apologizes for his outburst at the hotel. He assures her he loves her and is just jealous she hit the sheets with another man, but promises to be there for her, whatever happens. A few seconds later, JR enters the room and snappishly orders Sue Ellen to rejoin the party.

Harv arrives at the party to dramatically reveal the paternity test results...which seems like an odd thing to do in full hearing range of all the partygoers, but OK. He says that this time the test was conclusive...then pauses as the camera pans around to catch everyone's facial expressions before Harv channels his inner Maury by triumphantly blurting out, "JR, you are the daddy!" LOL. Sue Ellen looks stunned, if not totally thrilled by the results, while Jock proposes a toast to the blood test that proves Cliff Barnes a liar. JR happily drinks to that, while Pam immediately rushes off to see how Cliff is taking the news.

"Cliff Barnes...is not the father!"

"I honestly did not see that coming."

JR says he wants to carry on with the libel lawsuit against Cliff - but Sue Ellen says it's enough that he's ruined the man's career and insists on doing the "only gracious thing" by dropping the embarrassing lawsuit.

Pam rushes over to Cliff's apartment to ask him if he heard the news...and he tells her he has, but that he doesn't believe it. Pam says that since the doctor's on the up and up, it's not possible that JR paid him off - then points out the good news story in all of this: there's no chance that Baby John will develop his genetic disease and die in infancy. Cliff's like, "Big whoop" and grumbles about how JR has taken everything from him.

JR enters the nursery and stares lovingly at Baby John. He touches the tot's hair and face, then picks him up and gives him his first father-son canoodle.

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