Dallas - Season 3, Episode 16
Recap: JR is at a bar, shmoozing with the cartel and gabbing on the phone to Kristin. He invites her to join him for a late supper followed by a booty call at her condo, then asks her to pass along a message to Alan Beam to swing by the condo first thing in the morning for a tête-à-tête about the status of Cliff's congressional campaign.
Kristin sashays back to her desk and tells Alan to stop by her condo in the morning for a meeting with JR. Alan says he's irked that she didn't give him a chance to talk to JR on the phone just now, but she just rolls her eyes and says he has nothing relevant to tell JR, not least 'cause he's nothing more than a replaceable flunky. Alan snarlingly retorts that she's the replaceable one, not least 'cause she's nothing more than a secretary who got where she is by laying on her back. As she glares hatefully at him, he remarks on how JR is due for a change in mistresses. No doubt he is, Alan. No doubt he is.
Alan and Lucy are about to be seated at a restaurant when they gaze across the dining room and spot JR cozily dining with Kristin. Lucy says she'd like to storm over and give JR the what for for carrying on in public with his own sister-in-law, but Alan stops her and says he doesn't want her to get into trouble and would prefer it if she didn't cause a scene tonight.
Later at the condo, JR grumbles to Kristin about Jock and Bobby always being underfoot at the office...and Kristin assures him that now that the overseas wells are coming in, they'll surely back off soon enough. She pours him a drink and asks him if he's starting to get bored with her...reminding him that when it comes to fickle adulterers such as himself, the chase is always so much more fun than the catch. She comes right out and asks, "Have I been too easy?" and JR refrains from laughing out loud at the absurdity of her utter cluelessness about their unholy coupling and silently pulls her onto the bed so they can start going at it.
While canoodling in bed with Alan, Lucy says she's planning to attend Cliff's fundraiser tomorrow night...and that she's going to deck herself out in a super sexy outfit for the sole purpose of turning him on. Alan's all, "Mmm.." and shuts off the lights.
Jock attempts to canoodle with Miss Ellie as the two lay in bed together, then gives up when she proves to be as responsive as a rock. He asks her what she thinks about them going to Punk Anderson's annual barbecue, and she tells him she's not up to mingling with so many people so soon after her mastectomy and would rather not attend. Jock shrugs and assures her it's A-OK with him if they skip it.
Pam and Bobby return home from a night of dancing and overdrinking with Ray and Donna. After some amorous smooching in the downstairs study, Bobby suggests they continue this upstairs - but Pam flinches at the thought of hitting the sheets with him and says she's going to heat up some milk first. Bobby stares at her perplexedly and mumbles, "OK, sure."
Ray and Donna are enjoying a morning-after canoodle in a hotel room, which...blech. As Ray gets dressed, Donna's lawyer Jonas drops by to get Donna's signature on some papers. He ignores the icktastic visual of bare-chested Ray putting his clothes on and advises Donna to hire someone to manage her $10 million inheritance from Sam Culver's estate. Ray heads out and for some reason grimaces at the mention of Donna's substantial, newfound wealth.
Lucy enters the breakfast patio clutching a letter she just got from Val, who writes that she and Gary are having an awesome time on Knot's Landing. Miss Ellie sighs wistfully and says she'd looooove it if Gary came back to Southfork so that they could all live under one roof and be a complete family again. JR looks alarmed at that prospect and quickly changes the subject to Punk Anderson's annual barbecue - but Jock abruptly shuts that down in his usual gruff fashion and brusquely says that he and Miss Ellie have no plans to attend this year. He changes the subject to JR's husbandly duties and asks him why he stayed out so late last night, so JR says he was conferring with his cartel buddies, who now want in on the Asian oil deal. Jock reminds JR that he's supposed to be including Bobby in meetings like that...and when an irritated Bobby storms off to his car, Pam scurries after him and apologizes for blue balling him last night. He scrunches his face in irritation and says, "Forget it" ... and when she invites him to lunch today, he tells her he doubts he'll have time for lunch, then gets into his car and squeals off.
JR follows Lucy to her car, grabs the key from the ignition, and tells her to stop stirring up needless drama by invoking Gary within hearing range of Miss Ellie. Lucy glares back at him and says she'll talk about who and what she wants whenever she wants...and turns the tables on him by telling him she saw him out for dinner with Kristin for what was clearly more than an innocent boss/secretary outing, and that if he wants her to keep her mouth shut about it, he's going to need to keep his mouth shut about how often she's "allowed" to talk about her own father. Hee!
Over at the condo, Alan reports to JR that the downturn of Cliff's campaign is right on schedule - but JR grumbles his annoyance that Cliff is still in the race. Alan tells him that while unwitting supporters are making actual donations, the bulk of Cliff's campaign funding is depleted...and after tonight's fundraiser he'll be officially broke.
The Barnes for Congress fundraiser is, for some reason, being held in a rollerskating rink. Lucy has decked herself out in a black halter necked pantsuit, and is rollerskating with her friend Muriel and cackling about how awesome her new boyfriend Alan is...and that she's somehow under the illusion that he loves her for her, not her family's influence and money. Poor stupid Lucy.
Alan summons a blonde escort named Serena to his apartment, then hands her an envelop containing financial reports about Cliff's campaign and instructs her to personally deliver it to JR at his Ewing Oil office. When she complains that being a messenger isn't exactly her thing, he gives her a huge tip, a knowing wink, and tells her to make sure that JR gets everything he wants. She chuckles and looks jazzed by the prospect of a cash-for-sex transaction.
Serena arrives at Ewing Oil and announces to Connie and Kristin that she has a package for JR, and that he's expecting her. When Kristin tries to physically restrain her from going anywhere near JR's office, she haughtily says that Alan Beam personally sent her to deliver the all-important package. JR pops out of his office to see whassup with all the commotion, gives Serena an appreciative once over, and invites her in for a closed door session after telling a fuming Kristin to hold his calls.
JR and Serena emerge from his office looking flushed and smiley...and JR looks surprised to see Kristin still sitting at her desk, glaring angrily into space. He tells her he's heading out with Serena, then casually chirps, "See you in the morning!" LOL. An enraged Kristin calls Cliff's campaign office and demands to talk to Alan, and the volunteer answering phones tells her he's at the Barnes for Congress fundraiser...which someone on the campaign decided would be hilarious to host in a local roller rink.
Cliff arrives at the fundraiser with Digger and looks pleased by the turnout. He briefly interrupts the rollerskating to introduce his father to the supporters, and thanks them for everything they're doing to help him get elected. A few seconds later, Kristin arrives at the rink, notices Lucy skating past Alan while openly winking at him, and offers to pay some extra who's holding a Polaroid for his camera so that she take some compromising snaps.
When two prospective contributors ask Alan how they can donate to Cliff's campaign, he shushes them and tells them to just focus on having a good time.
Lucy tells Muriel she's annoyed at Alan for ignoring her all evening and decides 'why not make a public spectacle of myself on rollerskates with the guy I'm covertly having sex with?' She skates over to where Alan is standing, deliberately bumps into him and stumbles onto the concrete...and when he helps her to her feet, she plants a big lingering smooch on his lips. Kristin's like, "Pay dirt!" and snaps a photo with her newly acquired Polaroid camera.
The next morning at Ewing Oil, Kristin shows JR the naughty photos she sneakily took of Alan and Lucy. JR looks them over and tells her to get Alan on the phone, pronto...and Kristin smiles smugly to herself as she sashays back to her desk to make the call.
Alan is in bed with his old flame Betty Lou...and as the two enjoy some post-coital canoodling in his bed, she tells him she's miffed that he's been spending so much time with Lucy lately. Alan says it's the way it has to be, and that eventually this scheme is going to have a payoff and make him a very rich man. A few seconds later, he gets a phone call summoning him to Ewing Oil.
Alan rushes over to JR's office and is shown the stack of Polaroids that Kristin took of him cavorting with Lucy at Cliff's rollerblading fundraiser. Alan looks startled and says, "It's not what you think" and mumbles about how he and Lucy just happened to run into each other and accidentally lock lips despite their freakish height differential. When JR wryly says he didn't just fall off the turnip truck, Alan switches tactics and declares that he looooves Lucy, wants to marry her, and insists he's not "for sale". JR manages to keep a straight face and replies, "I wouldn't dream of it" and says he's pleased, nay thrilled that Lucy has finally found herself a real man. He offers to set up Alan in his own law practice after the wedding, as long as he agrees to move to Chicago...then explains that Gary's only remaining tie to Dallas is Lucy, so if she moves across the country, he'd have to reason to ever show his face again at Southfork [except maybe to check in with Miss Ellie every now and again for a mother-son hug]. Alan mulls that over and says he's willing to warm up to the idea of moving to Chicago, and the two shake on it.
In bed, Bobby tries to canoodle Pam, but she gets all jumpy and inches away from him. He looks confused and asks whassup with the frigidness, so she tells him that for some unknown reason his touch is leaving her cold. Bobby scrunches his face in confusion, and he and his retracted penis dejectedly retreat to their side of the bed.
After another obligatory doink, Lucy tells Alan she should be getting home now, and starts putting her clothes back on. Alan says he hates all this sneaking around and suggests they get married - but Lucy stares back at him in shock and says she wasn't even thinking about the possibility of marriage and doesn't want to rush into anything serious. She suggests they talk more about this insane idea tomorrow, and he unhappily concurs.
Alan tells JR that Lucy didn't readily agree to marry him and worries that when Cliff's campaign completely falls off the rails, she'll find him less attractive. JR mulls that over for a few seconds and decides that since Lucy is a typical Ewing, it stands to reason that she'll automatically want what she can't have. He advises Alan to break things off with Lucy and hope to hell that her impulsive reaction will play right into their hands.
Serena calls Ewing Oil to get in touch with JR, but Kristin bitchily tells her he's not in, and to call back in about six weeks to never. Meow.
Kristin asks JR why he's done fuck all about Alan and Lucy hooking up, then says it's obvious he's just after Lucy for her money. JR waves a dismissive hand in the air and assures her he knows what he's doing.
Alan cancels all of the radio and TV spots and print coverage for Cliff's campaign and explains that he's run out of money. When Lucy drops by to have dinner, he shakes his head faux despondently and goes, "What's the point?" and tells her to go home. When she stares at him quizzically, he nonsensically says he can no longer stomach the idea of the two of them merely dating and that he loves her too much to not be married. Lucy's all, "Wha-a-a-a??" and stares at him in shocked bewilderment as he ushers her to the door, says goodbye, and gently shoves her out of his apartment.
When Lucy arrives home, JR announces that he had some photos delivered to his office today, then pulls out the Polaroids Kristin took and passes them around to Lucy, Jock, and Miss Ellie. JR tut tuts Lucy for getting involved with such a brazen opportunist, and Bobby concurs and tells Lucy she could do a whole lot better. JR snaps, "I forbid you from ever seeing him again", and Lucy's all, "Say wuh?" and counter-snaps that she'll see whoever she wants to see. She then tells the Ewing clan that Alan proposed to her, bitchily invites them all to her wedding, and storms out of the room. Jock's like, "Wedding..?" and wonders aloud if she was joking just now. JR sanctimoniously promises to straighten her out - but Miss Ellie and Jock warn him to stay out of it. JR agrees to mutely stand by and let Lucy get engaged out of spite...then grins evilly at the thought of ridding himself of Gary's spawn while pouring himself a drink.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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