Recap: Donna and a small group of "citizen heroes of the Hollywood Hills fire" are being honored at a small awards ceremony with plaques...even though Donna didn't actually do anything during the previous 'help, there's a wildfire in the Hollywood Hills!' episode that could possibly warrant hero status. Kelly and Papa Martin are in attendance, along with Cliff, the hot fireman. Donna introduces Cliff to her dad, and the two gush over what an awesomely brave and heroic cherub she is. Kelly mercifully cuts their wanking short and reminds Donna that they have to head over to Casa Alpha to set up for their annual Halloween Haunted House event. Cliff perks up and tells Donna he'd like to tag along and help out, and Donna looks pleased and chirps, "Kewl!"
Kenny's office. Valerie calls her man-child boyfriend and informs him that she has an appointment with her OB/GYN later. He looks stressed and says he can't believe this is really happening (prolly 'cause it's not), and she bitchily retorts that he'd better start dealing with the situation. She asks him to meet her at the doctor's office, and he reluctantly agrees.
The Alphas and KEGers are setting up for tomorrow's haunted house. Donna thanks Cliff for coming to help out, and he tells her he's having a marvellous time and that he'd like to return tomorrow to see the house in action. Elsewhere, Mark finds Kelly and gives her two books that best describe his personality...and then I kind of tuned out, so I have no memory of either title. Not that it matters much, since Kelly dumps Mark halfway through the season after he gets on her case about not putting out.
California University. Steve tries to convince Clare to forgive him and resume their roller-coaster of a dysfunctional relationship. He whines, "I can't believe you're breaking up with me for kissing another girl" - seriously, Steve? - and she snarls, "Watch me." He reminds her that Theresa was the one who kissed him, and Clare's like, "Whatever" and reminds him that he has a wandering eye and therefore should be enjoying his new-found freedom. She announces that she's going to the After Dark Halloween party with Dick Harrison, and Steve blurts out, "I hate that guy!" and calls him a dork, and Clare says she thinks Dick's cool. Steve then declares war and tells her he plans to find the hottest available chick to be his date for the party, 'cause yeah that's a mature reaction when your ex-girlfriend is desperately trying to cut the cord.
CUTV. Brandon shows Mark the stack of fan mail that came for Tracy, some of which is very weird...but the consensus seems to be that everyone loves her. Mark announces that he and Kelly are going to the Halloween party together, then hints that Tracy is hoping that he (Brandon) invites her to be his date. Brandon makes a face and says he's wary of getting romantically involved with someone he works with - particularly after the no-chemistry relationship disaster that was Susan Keats.
The Peach Pit. Steve asks David for his hot neighbor's phone number so he can invite her to the After Dark party, but David says that she and her roommates are out of town. Valerie scrunches her face in confusion and asks, "What happened with Clare?" and Steve says she's going to the party with someone else, so he needs to find a super hot woman who can make Clare jealous. Nat appears out of nowhere and tells him he has a friend who runs an escort service, then assures him that everything's on the up and up and that the women aren't hookers. David spots Mel at the counter and goes over to say hey...and Mel tells him that he and the family are headed to Palm Springs to celebrate his dad's birthday. He tells David it's not too late for him to join them, but David says he has plans and can't make it. Mel looks irked and reminds him that he has family responsibilities, and then David gets irked and says he can't make him do things he doesn't want to do. Mel says he hoped that visiting his beloved grandfather would be something he'd want to do, but David's just like, "Meh" and tells Mel to pass along his happy birthday wishes to the old man.
Medical center. Valerie's hanging out in a doctor's waiting room, chit-chatting with a couple of pregnant women. After a few minutes, she gets up to leave and when they're all, "How come you're leaving?" she tells them she didn't actually have an appointment. She approaches Kenny, who's waiting for her in the parking lot, and tells him that the doctor confirmed she's five weeks pregnant...and he shakes his head and moans, "Damn it." She gets annoyed by his reaction and says, "I love you and want to have your baby" and he wails, "You can't have this baby 'cause it would ruin everything!" LOL. She ignores his misery and says that maybe her pregnancy is a blessing - a sign that he's supposed to change his life. She urges him to listen to his heart...and then go home and tell his wife he knocked up another woman. LOL. The two exchange I love yous and indulge in a smooch, which was kinda weird considering how freaked out Kenny is.
CUTV. Tracy wraps up the day's newscast, and Brandon tells her she did well...except for her unapproved, impromptu rant about garbage collection in the dorm. He asks her if she'd like to be his date for the After Dark Halloween party, but she makes a face and tells him she was looking forward to going to the party stag - then politely thanks him for asking her and scurries out of the room. Brandon looks discombobulated and stares after her, mystified that any woman could resist his wholesome, boy scout-esque adorableness.
Haunted house. Donna and Kelly are dressed up as witches, cackling at the kids through a microphone. One kid named Alex gets freaked out by their cackling, and Cliff notices his meltdown and looks concerned. When the kid bolts out of the house and starts crying, Cliff runs after him...and he's soon followed by Donna. Alex tells Donna and Cliff that he's afraid the other kids will find out he's a crybaby and make fun of him (well, d'yuh), then wails, "I want to go home!" Cliff and Donna offer to let the crybaby hang out with them in the control booth and help do the scaring, and Alex perks up and says he likes the sound of that.
Escort service. Steve is looking through a binder of women's photos and profiles, trying to determine who the hottest woman is. He settles on a Swedish blonde, but then drops the binder on the floor...and when the clerk enters the room to ask him if he made a decision, he unwittingly inverts the ID number and gives her the wrong one - which will mean no Swedish blonde for Steve.
Love nest. Valerie is preparing a healthful, romantic dinner for two when Kenny arrives. He tells her he's not hungry and can't stay long, and Valerie correctly guesses that he didn't break the news to his wife about the bun in her oven. He says he's worried about how his son is going to react, and she gets all pissy and demands to know why his son is any more important than their non-existent fetus. Kenny says he can't know for sure if it's his baby, and Valerie gets offended at the implication that she sleeps around (which I found amusingly ironic) and is all, "Oh no you diin't!" and calls him a bastard. She says her child deserves just as much as his wife's child, and Kenny moans, "I love you, but you can't have this baby." Valerie snarks, "Fine. But it's going to cost you" so Kenny offers to give her $10,000 to have an abortion. Valerie stares back at him in disbelief and asks him if he really thinks $10,000 is going to cut it, then says she's well aware of how much he's worth. He reminds her that because of him, her club is becoming mega-successful...then says he has the power to stop that any time he wants to. He tells her to just take the $10,000, then says he still wants to see her (!) - but she refuses, bitchily tells him to try buying off his wife for $10,000, then dumps the dinner she just cooked in the trash can.
Haunted house. Alex is having fun in the control room with Donna and Cliff, cackling into the microphone. Donna praises Cliff's kindness and tells him he has good instincts with kids...and he says he can relate to Alex 'cause he knows what it's like to be afraid of the dark. These two are about as boring as Brandon and Tracy.
The Walsh house. Steve is primping for the party when Brandon arrives home looking bummed. He tells Steve that Tracy declined his offer to take her to the party, and Steve's like, "Whatever" and says he has a date with a hot Swede who's guaranteed to make Clare jealous. The doorbell rings, and Steve answers the door and finds a brunette wearing a kimono. She introduces herself as Tammy and tells him she's a Japanese translator, and Steve scrunches his face in confusion and says he was expecting a hot Swedish woman. He looks annoyed and says she's the wrong girl and that he wants to call the office to make a switch, but Tammy tells him the office is closed for the evening. She looks hopeful and asks him if she can still go to the party with him, and Steve mulls that over and realizes that even though Tammy's not a hot Swede, she's still a far better woman than he deserves...and he agrees to take her out.
Beach house. Kelly, Donna, and Clare gabble about their dates for the party. Kelly says she really likes Mark and that he seems like a perfect blend of Brandon and Dylan...and she says that like it's a good thing. Donna urges her to slow down with this new guy, and Kelly just kind of ignores her warning and giddily tells Donna and Clare not to wait up.
Steve and Tammy arrive at the party. Steve spots Clare and Dick and then points them out to Tammy...and a few seconds later, Tammy strips off her kimono, revealing the sexy black dress she's wearing underneath, and then she and Steve head over to the dance floor and start boogying. Tracy, meanwhile, is scoping out the club and spots Brandon drinking at the bar, dressed up as Charlie Chaplin. She saunters over to him and asks him if he'd like to hang out with her, and he's all, "Wuh?" and asks her why she wouldn't just come with him as his date. She says she wanted a real date, not one that was borne out of obligation. (I guess she must have figured out Mark told him she was hot for him and wanted him to ask her to the party.) Elsewhere, Valerie scopes out the bar looking for Kenny, and is disappointed when it's obvious that he pulled a no-show.
Beach house. Cliff arrives to pick up Donna for the party, looking hot in his tuxedo. Donna is decked out in an evening gown and looks ridic with her hair curled and slicked against her head. Cliff tells her he got delayed 'cause of a car accident that hit a power line...and then suddenly the power goes out in the apartment. As Donna lights a few candles, she babbles about how she used to be afraid of the dark as a child, but then found a way to get over it. Cliff gushes about what an amazing, super awesome sweetly flawless human being she is...and when the power comes on a few minutes later, the two head out to the party.
After Dark. Valerie tries to call Kenny, but the line is busy. She dials up the operator and tells her she needs to cut into the call, but the operator tells her the number's been disconnected. She tells the operator she'd like to be connected to the new number, but the operator tells her there's no new listing...and Valerie hangs up, looking really pissed off. I wonder if she recalls that Glenn Close's nutty character in Fatal Attraction did the exact same thing when Michael Douglas's character got so wigged out by her behavior that he got an unlisted number.
Tracy wants to leave the party early, so Brandon offers to give her a ride to the dorm. Ho hum.
Mark tells Kelly he'd love to fly to Paris with her and walk along the Seine, and she seems dazzled by his romantic sensibilities. Valerie tells David to hold down the fort for awhile 'cause she has an important errand to run. As Steve glares across the room at a smug Dick Harrison, Tammy approaches Clare and tells her how much Steve cares for her. For some inane reason, Tammy admits to Clare that she's a professional escort, and Clare stares back at her and goes, "Really?" then mumbles something bitchy about her "services" and stalks off. Steve approaches Dick and orders him to wipe the obnoxious smirk off his face, since it's clear that Clare is just using him (Dick) to make him (Steve) jealous. Clare rushes over and tells Dick that Steve's date is a hooker, and Steve looks embarrassed but hotly denies it. Clare's like, "Whatever" and after she and Dick head out, Steve grumbles at Tammy for needlessly spilling the beans about being a professional escort. She sheepishly apologizes and asks him if there's anything she can do, and he snaps that she's done quite enough.
Brandon walks Tracy to her dorm room. She tells him she had a nice time and invites him in...but when he hesitates, she gets embarrassed by her boldness and ducks inside her room. A few seconds later, she pops out again and says she's really nervous and would like a re-do...so she invites him in again, and he says no - but that he wouldn't mind a smooch. They lock lips for a few seconds - and after they break apart, Tracy looks as though she's about to swoon from Brandon's expert tongue action.
Valerie arrives at Kenny's house, looking extremely busty in her tight, glittery party gown. She rings the doorbell, and when Kenny's wife (Diane) answers, Valerie hands her a bag of diapers and asks her to pass it along to Kenny. Diane's like, "Er...OK", and as Valerie rushes back to her car, we hear Diane yell for Kenny and shriek, "What is this? Why is this woman bringing you diapers?" Maybe 'cause she's a total nut-wrench?
Haunted house. The Alphas and KEGers are cleaning up the next morning. Kelly shows up and giddily tells Donna she didn't come home last night, and Donna prudishly tells her she's worried she's moving too fast with this new fella. Kelly assures her that all they did was talk and watch the sunrise, and then she excitedly whispers, "I really like him!" Alex returns to help with the clean up, and he's accompanied by his postal carrier mother. She thanks Donna and her boyfriend for being so sensitive to her crybaby son...and Donna tells her that Cliff isn't technically her boyfriend, but both women agree that he's super awesome.
The Walsh house. Brandon tells Steve he kind of digs Tracy and that she definitely has his attention. Steve is glum and says that things with Clare are hopeless, but he's ready to forget about her and move on. Bravo! Yippee! Woot woot! He doesn't think he could possibly be as bad as Clare says he is [actually, Steve, you're soomuch worse], and Brandon diplomatically says, "You're the best Steve you can be." A minute later, Clare drops by to apologize for the cunty way she behaved toward him and Tammy last night. Apparently, Nat set her straight about his friend's escort service, so she realized she was way too harsh on him and Tammy. She tells Steve that she phoned up the agency and told Tammy's boss what a great job she did, and Steve concurs and says that Tammy's a nice girl. They agree that neither wants to be at war with each other anymore, but Clare makes it clear that she doesn't want to go back to the way things were. She proposes they continue to see each other, but have an open relationship that allows them to also date other people. Steve isn't interested in that kind of arrangement, and Clare snarks back that she's trying to do the mature thing, but Steve remains adamantly opposed to the idea. Clare calls him immature and storms off.
Love nest. Valerie arrives and finds Kenny sitting at the dining room table, drinking. He snarks that he's been waiting for her for quite awhile, and she glares at him and haughtily replies, "Well...there's a switch." He angrily tells her he finally managed to convince his wife that there's nothing going on between them, then hands her a check for $100,000 and says he expects her to have an abortion. She chirps, "Sure!" and he gives her a stony glare and declares, "This is it" and stalks out. Valerie stares down at the big check and grins with smug satisfaction.
Mel calls David to deliver some tragic news: his grandfather had a sudden heart attack and died. David's all, "Wha-a?!!" and starts sobbing. Mel tearfully relays that he died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, and David drops the phone and loudly weeps. Hopefully he feels like the shit heel he is for blowing off the family visit.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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