Recap: Valerie and Kenny are fast asleep in their love nest apartment. Valerie wakes up at 1:45am and urgently pokes at Kenny and tells him they accidentally fell asleep. He bolts out of bed and starts getting dressed, muttering about how much he hates having to sneak around...and that he hopes his wife gets mad enough to kick him out. No one's stopping you from making the decision to voluntarily move out, douchebag. Valerie complains about how badly it sucks for her to feel guilty for riding his baloney pony, then points out that she's twenty-one years old, legally unattached, and therefore free to sleep around with whomever she wants. Kenny pretends to feel guilty for being an adulterous dinkwhistle, and Valerie snaps, "I just think you want to have it all and you can't." Kenny says he doesn't want his six year old son to suffer, but she's just like, "Whatever" and tells him she can't do this anymore. Kenny's all, "Whoa.." and asks her if this means she's ending their unholy coupling, and she says she doesn't want to - but is tired of having to carry out a relationship in private. She then gives him an ultimatum: tell his wife the truth about their icky hookup, or this storyline is over.
The Walsh house. Valerie arrives home early the next morning. Brandon, who's breakfasting in the kitchen, tells her she looks like she's been up all night and asks her who the lucky guy is...and when she admits it's Kenny, Brandon wryly says, "I figured." Valerie insists he's on the verge of leaving his wife, but Brandon doesn't buy it and says he has first-hand experience doinking a married woman. He strongly urges her to go to David's party and find a guy her own age who's single and free to mingle.
Beach house. Kelly, Donna, and Clare discuss whether or not they want to show up at David's/Mark's pool party in bikinis, then quickly nix the idea. Kelly remarks on the guys' scantily clad female neighbors, and Donna asks whassup with the skanks and complains about how they're always flirting with David and Mark. Clare accuses her of being bothered by it 'cause she's still into David, and Donna insists they're just friends. Kelly tells Clare that Steve's eyes pop out of his head whenever he looks at those girls, and Clare explains that she and Steve have an arrangement: looking's fine, touching ain't. It's nice to have such high standards when you're in a relationship with a childish moron.
A little while later, Donna and Clare are winding their way up through the Hollywood Hills to get to David's/Mark's house when Donna spots a deer on the side of the road. She's all, "Oooh! A deer!" and says it's becoming a rare sight to see deer in the hills. Clare spots what looks like the mother deer, and the two spend several long seconds gushing over the animals' cuteness.
The pool party's in full swing. Kelly flounces over to David, and he tells her that Mark told him he keeps asking her out and she keeps saying no. Kelly cocks her head coquettishly and chirps, "Timing is everything."
Brandon and Tracy arrive at the party, and Mark greets them and informs them that everyone's slowly getting hammered, despite the fact that it's only 11:00am. Steve sees a couple of hot girls lounging across the pool and asks David who they are, and he says they're his new neighbors. Steve tells him he'd like to be introduced and David gives him a funny look and asks, "What about Clare?" ... and I kinda checked out during this scene, so I forget what Steve says in reply, but I'll assume it's dickish and inappropriate. Clare, meanwhile, is in the house, getting checked out by a cute guy. Donna knows him and tells her his name is Dick Harrison, and that he's super smart in the ways of science and mathematics. Dick ambles over to say hey to Donna, then asks her to introduce him to Clare...and the two chat about how she's the chancellor's daughter and he's a frat boy, blah blah. During the course of their conversation, Clare mentions that she has a boyfriend, and Dick's all, "Wha-a?" and looks disappointed.
Steve approaches the hot neighbor who's lying on a lounger and wearing a purple one-piece, and she's all, "Tee hee hee! My name's Theresa!" She then asks Steve to lather her back with suntan lotion, and naturally, Steve is more than happy to oblige. Clare notices the sensual lathering and rushes over, bitchily snarks at Steve, then drags him away from Theresa. He insists he didn't do anything wrong, and she tells him she's giving him a second chance, then pulls him close for a smooch. Er...OK.
The Walsh house. Kenny calls Valerie to ask her to meet him at their love nest within the hour. She happily agrees, and the two exchange I love yous. Blech.
Party. The partygoers continue to drunkenly cavort around the pool. Mark brings over some ice for Kelly, and the two chit-chat and get all flirty with each other.
Steve is waiting to use the bathroom when Theresa suddenly runs out, screaming, "Spider!" Steve swaggers into the bathroom, captures the tiny insect and flushes it down the toilet - and Theresa thanks him with a long French kiss. Clare is standing a few feet away and witnesses the kissing, then shoots Steve the stink-eye and tells him he's despicable. He exclaims, "Clare! You don't understand!" and chases after her, and Theresa looks mildly sheepish and murmurs, "Geez...sorry."
Tracy is attempting to unravel the convoluted dating history of the 90210 gang and somehow manages to get the chronology and boy-girl combinations right. She tells Brandon that the only clique member she hasn't yet met is Kelly, so he points out where she's sitting and talking to Mark. Muntz comes over, and Brandon greets him with, "What's the haps?" [The "haps" is that you should just stick to speaking proper English, Brandon.] Muntz informs Brandon and Tracy that there are fire trucks everywhere and deduces that there must be a fire in the canyon. Brandon's all, "Wuh?" and the three look toward the nearby hills and see a ginormous blaze...that somehow no one else at the party has noticed. Brandon furrows his brows and says this might be a problem, then yells for Mark and points in the direction of the fire. Mark looks aghast and remarks that those hills haven't burned in forty years, which means there's a ton of kindling just waiting to - whoosh! - go up in flames. Eeeek!Brandon looks somber and declares, "I think a lot of drunk people are going to get real sober real quick." That they probably are, Brandon. That they probably are.
Love nest. After Valerie and Kenny make out, he giddily tells her that he and his wife Diane were up all night talking about their marriage. Turns out she's as miserable as he is! Yippee! Valerie looks pleased by this latest development and mounts Kenny on the couch, and the two start to make out again. Ew.
Fire trucks arrive in the canyon, and helicopters are flying above, dumping water on the blaze. Mark tells the gang that the fire department isn't evacuating this canyon yet, but a nervous looking Kelly tells Brandon she'd really rather not be included in another I got burned in a fire storyline. Brandon urges her to leave, like pronto, and she dashes to her car. Tracy asks whassup with Kelly's extreme angst, so Brandon explains how, during Season 5, she got trapped in a fire at a rave party and suffered burns...that miraculously, completely disappeared not long after.
A drunk David staggers into his bedroom and collapses onto his bed. He starts rolling around and moaning about how sick he feels, so Donna suggests he try to vomit...and he likes the sound of that idea and races to the bathroom.
Mark announces to the partygoers that he's shutting the party down due to the wildfire and advises everyone to go home. Over in the bathroom, David has tossed his cookies and grossed Donna (and me) out - and I'm not sure why Donna feels the need to hover over him while he hovers over the toilet. Elsewhere in the house, Steve insists to Clare, "I didn't do anything!" and she snarks back, "Yeah, you looked real helpless." He asks her why she always thinks the worst of him, and she retorts that he's proven her right so many times. Break up already, imbeciles. Dick Harrison appears out of nowhere and offers Clare a lift down the hill, but she declines and says she's not leaving yet. He then asks her if he can call her sometime...and amid Steve's protests, Clare's like, "Sure!" Haha!
The firemen continue to fight the wildfire as the partygoers flee the canyon. Brandon spots Kelly standing beside her car, mutely staring into space as the voice inside her head wails, "I can't go through this again!" and prompts her to have a flashback of the rave fire episode. Brandon rushes over and asks her if she's OK, and she snarks back that she has a "small problem" with fires, in case he doesn't remember. He concurs that this must be very upsetting for her, and she bitchily retorts, "Save it, Brandon." He tells her to go home and that they'll talk about it later, and she tells him they have nothing to talk about. He's all, "Whassup with your bitchitude?" so she snarls at him for not being there for her on the night she almost burned to death. Well, d'yuh - but that happened, like two seasons ago. Why rehash it now? Brandon says he's apologized for that every way he can think of, and Kelly climbs into her car and poutishy stares. A few minutes later, Mark spots her still vegetating in the driver's seat, and when he runs over to ask her what's wrong, she moans that she's scared to go and/or stay. He offers to drive her home, but she tells him to focus on saving his house and assures him she'll be fine.
Brandon, Steve, Mark, Tracy, and Clare are hosing down the house. Kelly re-appears and Brandon barks at her to go home, but she stubbornly insists on staying and helping out. Clare and Steve, meanwhile, continue to annoy everyone by bickering non-stop. A fireman suddenly appears and warns the gang that the fire's getting closer and urges them to evacuate immediately, but they tell him they'd prefer to stay. The fireman asks Mark (whose father owns the house) who his next of kin is -ack! - but then doesn't actually wait around for an answer. Steve looks wigged out and suggests they leave...but everyone just stares at him mutely.
Steve and Mark watch a news report about the wildfire, which is apparently very very bad. David stumbles into the room looking green around the gills and asks where Donna is, and Steve and Mark tell him that she's outside with Clare. Outside, we see that Donna and Clare are continuing to douse the house with pool water using a sump pump...and when it runs out of juice, Donna heads over to the garage (or wherever) to retrieve some more gas. On her way, she spots the baby deer she saw earlier munching on brush. She calls for Clare and tells her she's worried that the deer is going to get trapped in the fire, but Clare's just like, "Whatever" and it's clear she doesn't give much of a rat's ass about the animal.
Love nest. Valerie and Kenny smooch as he gets dressed for work. They exchange I love yous again and he tells her not to make plans for tonight 'cause he wants to spend the entire evening with her, then needlessly adds, "All night, baby." LOL. He sounds so dorky when he coos baby at Val.
The fireman returns to Mark's house to let the gang know that the wind has changed direction, so it looks like they're out of the danger zone. Yay! After he leaves, the gang suddenly realizes that none of them have seen Donna for awhile. Clare scrunches her doll-like face and says that Donna was worried about a baby deer and thinks she might have run off into the hills to rescue it. Everyone agrees that they should probably go look for the dumbass.
Donna's in the dry brush, trying to inch her way closer to the baby deer...and in the process she slips and falls down a hill and hurts her knee. She's unable to stand up - though it doesn't look like she tries very hard - and the little deer comes over to stand next to her. Donna explains to the fawn that they'll have to wait it out until someone comes by to rescue them, then starts yelling for help.
Love nest. Valerie arrives with a bag of groceries and a bouquet of flowers, and a few seconds later Kenny calls with some bad news. He tells her he's been on the phone with his lawyer, and apparently the divorce process isn't going to be as easy as he thought. Diane's lawyer is "on the warpath", so his lawyer warned him against doing anything foolish. Valerie snarks, "So that means me?" and Kenny's like, "Well, d'yuh" and says he could lose everything if their affair is discovered. He cancels their romantic evening, and Valerie angrily hangs up on him.
Donna continues to yell for help and coo at the deer that everything's going to be OK...but she looks worried and starts coughing from smoke inhalation. Steve and David inform a fireman that they think their idiot friend ran into the bush to sanctimoniously rescue a deer and hasn't been seen since. The fireman assures them that if she's located where they think she is, his fellow firefighters will probably spot her and bring her to safety. Fantastic.
Donna hears a group of firemen approach and calls to them for help. They rush over to her, and when one of the firemen takes the handkerchief off of his face to talk to her, Donna can't help but notice his hotness. He introduces himself as Cliff Yeager and picks her up and whisks her to safety.
The Walsh house. Valerie is in the bathroom, staring down at a box that contains a home pregnancy test.
Mark's house. The gang is hanging out and watching the news...and the anchor declares that the fire has been contained. That was...unbelievably fast. David and Steve return to the house and Kelly rushes over and asks them if they've seen Donna. They tell her they haven't - but then Clare squeals that Donna is on the local news! She's laying on a stretcher, and the reporter standing beside her is telling viewers about the beautiful cherub who bravely risked her own safety to rescue Bambi from the fires of hell. Donna waves her hand in an attempt to appear modest, which was sooo nauseating, and says it wasn't any big deal and that the firemen deserve all the credit. No fucking duh. Cliff and Donna grin stupidly at each other as the reporter insists that they're both heroes.
The Peach Pit. Now that the wildfire has been doused, the gang (sans Donna and David) stumbles into the diner. Tracy pulls Kelly aside and asks her why she and Brandon broke up and says that he seems so perfect - and Clare happens to walk by at that moment and snarks, "No one's perfect." Kelly concurs with the bitchy sentiment and says, "Couldn't have said it better myself" and strolls off, and somehow Tracy seems satisfied with that response. Nat tells Brandon that he saw Donna on TV, then asks to be introduced to Tracy so he can offer her a free mega-burger. Steve brags to Nat about his victory over Mother Nature, and Clare bitches about how many times he's been repeating the story, then stalks off. Steve rushes after her, and she whirls around and tells him she's sick of their pattern of him screwing up and her forgiving him, then says she wants to break up for good. Steve's all, "Wha-a?!" as she storms out of the diner.
Kelly apologizes to Brandon for being so snappish earlier, but he brusquely tells her not to worry about it and heads over to the jukebox, where Mark is picking out Kelly's favorite songs. He tells Brandon he's planning on asking her out, and Brandon pretends to be A-OK with that. Nat needlessly points out to Brandon that it looks like Mark and Kelly are getting chummy, then warns him not to let his true love slip through his fingers the way he did with Joan so many years ago. Brandon's like, "Whatever" and joins Tracy at the counter again, and Nat looks over at them worriedly as though any of this is his business.
Beach house. David helps Donna as she limps to her room, and she says other than having a sprained knee she's fine...then thanks him for being such a good friend.
Kenny's office. Valerie drops by and blurts out to Kenny that she's pregnant. He's all, "The fuck?!" and she shows him the pregnancy test she pretended she just took, and tosses the urine soaked stick onto his desk. Gross. He stares at it disbelievingly, then stares up at her disbelievingly, and she just glares back at him with a very squinty stink-eye.
Disclaimer: While reading these recaps, you may encounter spoilers of future episodes. If this matters to you in any way, shield yourself from reading this content.
If not, carry on..
Recapper: Isabel K. French
~ If you enjoy these recaps, thank me by buying me a "coffee"!