Recap: Kelly runs into the Walsh's kitchen soaking wet...and a few seconds later Brandon comes running in after her, laughing and apologizing for getting her all wet. He says he lost his grip on the hose while washing his car, and then the two banter about girls in wet t-shirts, blah blah. Brandon suggests she go up to his room and change into a dry shirt, and Kelly likes that idea and heads upstairs.
Kelly enters the bathroom to towel dry her hair, then looks puzzled by something. She knocks on the adjoining door to Valerie's room, and we see that Valerie is sitting on the window seat, puffing on a reefer and exhaling toward the open window. When she hears Kelly knock, she quickly puts out the joint, waves the smoke in the direction of the window, then goes to open the door. Kelly steps inside, asks her how she's doing, then comes right out and says she smells pot. Valerie widens her eyes in fake shock and says she's burning incense, which is probably what Kelly mistook for pot. Kelly narrows her eyes suspiciously, then goes back downstairs and tells Brandon that Valerie's probably going to have the munchies soon. Brandon's all, "Wuh?" so Kelly says that "the munchies" is what normally happens after a person smokes pot. Brandon chuckles and asks her if she's sure it wasn't just incense, but Kelly insists she knows what pot smells like and declares Valerie a pothead. That may well be true, but I fail to see how Valerie's pot smoking falls under the category of Being Any of Kelly's Business.
California University. Donna and Clare are showing David the lame video they cobbled together about CU students. Clare and Donna look pleased with their effort, and David is so impressed by their ability to string "shoot and click" video clips together that he invites them to collaborate with him on a new project: The Search for Intelligent Bimbos on Campus. Donna looks appalled by the blatant sexism of this moronic idea, but Clare thinks it's great and says she'd prefer to focus on himbos. David loves that idea and points out to Donna that filming dumb males saying dumb things will somehow offset the sexist bent of his bimbo footage. What I'd like to know is, who the hell is in charge at Campus TV, allowing these idiots to run amok with university owned camera equipment to make sexist videos?
Griffin arrives at Campus TV to pick up Donna, and he and David and Clare spend a few minutes exchanging boring pleasantries. After Griffin and Donna leave, David remarks that Donna seems happy with her new fella...and that it's weird to see her happy. Clare says it's a good thing Donna's happy 'cause now the two of them no longer have to feel guilty once they start hitting the sheets. Clare then gives him a little smooch and tells him that their video project is going to be killer. And by killer she means stoopid.
Student Union. Brandon runs into Steve on his way to a student senate meeting. Since he's the acting president, he needs to officially call the meetings to order. Steve excitedly tells Brandon that he and Valerie finally kissed, then needlessly discusses her sexy tongue action and how he's eagerly anticipating their first romp. He credits himself with being the perfect gentleman and says he bought her a box of chocolates 'cause he's deluded himself into believing she's an old-fashioned, all-American girl.
Dylan's house. Dylan is on the phone with his bank, trying to get more credit. Considering how strapped for cash he is these days, I wonder if he's contemplated the notion of getting a job. Valerie arrives at his house and lets herself in, which clearly annoys Dylan. He cuts his call short and snarls at her for dropping by unannounced and then eavesdropping on his bidness. She tells him she has no idea what he was even talking about on the phone and that she came by to celebrate her one month anniversary of living on the west coast. Dylan snarks at her to go celebrate at the KEG house, so she tries to appease him with a box of chocolates...no doubt the one Steve just gave to her. She asks him if Brenda ever bought him chocolates, and he snarls no and adds that another thing Brenda never did was show up on his doorstep without calling first. Please. That is soo not true. Brenda popped over plenty of times on his doorstep without calling first, most notably during the Misery Loves Company episode, when she arrived at his house with a suitcase after a big fight with Papa Walsh and declared that she was moving in. Dylan barks at Valerie to call before she comes over, and so Valerie picks up his phone and saucily requests permission to come over so they can do it with the lights on and the blinds open. This seems to turn Dylan on, and he grabs the phone away from her, pushes her onto his dining table, and mounts her.
Ahn-drea's/Jesse's apartment. Jesse's decked out in his tuxedo, which must mean he's getting ready to leave for work. LOL. Ahn-drea, who appears to be in a rare good mood, teases him about who he's getting all dolled up for, and he quips, "All of my secret lovers, of course." She giggles, and the two kiss. He tells her that someday, when he's a district attorney and she's a doctor, they'll look back fondly on these lean days. It's really too bad the poor sod doesn't yet realize that their ill-fated coupling will one day degenerate into an acrimonious divorce. He suggests they get a sitter on Friday night so they can go out for dinner, and Ahn-drea likes the sound of that.
Beach house. Clare tells Kelly all about the video project she and Donna are working on, which consists of tricking dumb guys into saying certain words, so that the footage can be edited to make them say, "I'm. A. Stud. Muffin. Baby." Kelly looks aghast and says it sounds more like terrorism than journalism. I think it sounds idiotic and the opposite of funny. Donna arrives home and remarks that Steve seems to be really hung up on Valerie, and this prompts Kelly to furrow her brows and discreetly ask her what she thinks of Valerie. Donna says she's great, so Kelly informs her that she's a "closet stoner". She tells Donna about how she was in her room the other day, that it reeked of pot, and that Valerie lied about it. Donna says she probably lied about it 'cause she doesn't want Mama and Papa Walsh to find out, which makes perfect, total sense - but Kelly looks doubtful and says she thinks Valerie wants them all to believe she's a sweet, innocent yokel instead of the conniving drug hound she really is. Donna chides her for being judgmental and for the way she reads things into people that aren't there...like the way she did with Kevin and Suzanne, who Kelly suspected wanted to rip off Dylan. Heh. Kelly argues that this is different, since she caught Valerie in a lie. Donna's like, "So what?" and advises her to let it go. Kelly backpedals and says that maybe what she smelled really was incense, but doesn't look as though she truly believes that.
The Peach Pit. Valerie and Steve are sitting at a table, clowning around when Dylan slouches in with his ever-present aura of gloom and grumbles to Nat about how dead the diner is...and Nat whines that business hasn't been the same since the earthquake. Steve remarks that the kids today are always looking for the next hotspot, then suggests turning the diner into an after hours night club. As the Party-meister of CU, he offers to organize it, and suggests hosting a rave this weekend. Valerie chimes in and says it could be a real moneymaker, so Nat agrees to give it a try. Steve excitedly rushes off to a pay phone so he can start planning the rave, and Nat suddenly realizes he needs to keep an eye on Steve, so he goes after him. Dylan leers at Valerie with narrowed, bloodshot eyes and and mumbles, "So, you coming over tonight or what?" and she smirks at him hungrily and smugly retorts, "Thought you'd never ask."
The Walsh house. Brandon's staring down at Valerie's incense and says he doesn't know how she can stand the smell of that crap. Nor do I - I hate incense. He says that the stench of it wafts over to his room, so she offers to lay off it...and he says, "It's probably not the only thing you should lay off." She stares at him in fake puzzlement, so he tells her that Kelly reported smelling pot in her room the other day. Valerie denies smoking up and says with a straight face that she wouldn't be stupid enough to smoke it in the house. Brandon says that that's good, since Mama and Papa Walsh don't have much of a sense of humor about drug use under their roof. Valerie says that Kelly doesn't seem to like her very much, and Brandon denies that and says she's just hard on people she doesn't know very well. Huh? That was a weird thing to say. Valerie asks if Kelly's a snob, and Brandon says she's not so much snobbish as cautious. He swiftly changes the subject and asks her how the Peach Pit After Dark is going, so she happily tells him that it'll be two days of non-stop partying. Brandon promises to show up and dance (sweet baby Jesus nooo!) if it'll help smooth things over between her and Kelly. Valerie looks fake contrite and says all she wants is to fit in, and Brandon's advice is to just be herself.
California University. Donna and Clare are administering their stupid trivia test to a dumb looking beefcake. Clare films while Donna tricks him into saying "muffin", which makes Clare crack up. Donna assures the beefcake he passed the test with flying colors, and he happily scampers off. Clare says they need another victim, then spots a construction worker wearing a wife-beater shirt and jeans. She refers to him as "meat" and heads over to where he's working. As they approach, he warns them that the area is off limits, so Clare tells him they just want to ask him a couple of questions. He says he's not a student at CU, and Clare tells him it doesn't matter 'cause they're looking for a cross section of male voices. He seems interested in participating and suggests they come back at 5:00pm - when he gets off work.
The Peach Pit. Steve and his KEG friends are getting everything ready for the rave. Dylan slouches around and grumbles about how expensive it's going to be, but Steve assures him it'll be a success and that the only thing he has to pay for are the ingredients for Muntz's "smart drinks". Kelly, meanwhile, is in the parking area when Valerie arrives at the Pit with shopping bags. She greets Valerie politely, and the two discuss shopping, blah blah, and Kelly urges her to try on her new purchases. Inside the diner, Kelly sees Dylan moping at a table and tells him it's nice to see him, and that she hopes the rave will be a success. He grunts that he hopes it's a success for Steve's and Nat's sake, and pretends as though he couldn't give a rat's ass either way. She tells him that while she was in Minnesota last summer she bought an authentic Native American flute for Erica, since she she knows how much the little imp loves music. She asks Dylan if he could get it to her, then asks how Kevin and Suzanne are doing in Arizona. Dylan mumbles something unintelligible, and Kelly tells him he can say, "I told you so" regarding her warnings about them scamming his money - oh the irony - and Dylan says he'll let her off the hook. Valerie suddenly appears in a skimpy white dress (one of her purchases). Kelly remarks on how much she likes her shoes: sandals with laces tied up to the ankles...a detail that will be important to us later. After Valerie ambles off with Steve, Kelly asks Dylan what he thinks of Valerie, and he just shrugs and says he doesn't know her very well.
California University. The construction worker is loading up his truck when Donna returns to do her stupid trivia test. Apparently, Clare couldn't make it because she has a class. The guy introduces himself as Ray Pruit and needlessly explains to Donna that he and his crew were hired to do some retro-fitting on campus after the earthquake. Donna gets out the camera, orders him to take his shirt off, and starts filming as she tries to get him to say the word "love" by asking what a zero score in tennis called. He immediately gets suspicious that she's making a fool of him and barks at her to turn off the camera. He asks her if this is "rich bitch humor" (no, it's more like "stupid people humor") and Donna gets all flustered and admits that the trivia test was meant to be a joke. She tries to apologize, but he storms over to his truck, climbs inside, and angrily squeals off.
Ahn-drea's/Jesse's apartment. Ahn-drea's on the phone trying to find a sitter, but has no luck. Jesse decides that if they're not going out, he'll go to work since Fridays are usually a big tip night at the bar. She's bummed about their canceled dinner and and whines that she really wanted to go out, so he promises her that they'll definitely go to the rave on Saturday night, since they have Mama and Papa Walsh lined up to babysit Hannah.
The Peach Pit After Dark. Valerie leads Clare past the long line of people waiting to get in and informs Steve that she's on the guest list. Inside, things are really hopping. There's a lot of enthusiastic dancing, and Muntz is at the bar, clumsily making his delicious fruit smoothies. Dylan slouches over to where Steve is admitting the partygoers and collecting the cover charges. Steve takes a break and leaves Dylan to handle the money...and Dylan just starts pocketing the cash for himself. Valerie witnesses him do this and sarcastically asks him if he's not supposed to put the money in the cash box, and he mumbles, "I am the cash box." David, meanwhile, is staring over at Donna as she dances with Griffin, and then Donna stares over at David. Griffin gets irked by all the longing looks between them and tells Donna he wants her eyes on him - which, considering how totally hot and far above Donna's league he is, was completely nauseating. Donna apologizes and kisses him, and he goes, "That's better" and Donna lets out one of her annoying hmm giggles. Muntz walks past Kelly and Brandon with a tray full of smart drinks, gets bumped into, and all the glasses crash onto the floor and shatter everywhere. Kelly rushes into the back room for a mop and stops short when she hears kissing noises and giggling from behind a storage shelf. She hears Dylan bark, "This room's private - get outa here!" and then glances over and sees Valerie's sandals with the tell-tale ankle laces. She looks stunned, icked out, and flees with the mop.
After the rave, Nat counts their earnings and applauds Steve for planning the event. Steve announces that he counted 353 partygoers, which means (at $10 a head) there should be $3,530 in the cash box...but Nat informs him that they're a few hundred dollars short of that amount. Steve insists that his people count is accurate and looks annoyed that there's missing cash...and Valerie glances over in Dylan's direction but says nothing. Kelly suddenly enters the diner and tells Steve she's having a problem with her car battery. She gives Valerie the stink-eye as she and Steve head out to the parking lot.
Steve is shocked to hear that Valerie allegedly made out with Dylan. A few seconds later, Valerie bursts out the back door, pretending to want to ask Steve something. She sees their grim faces and asks if she's interrupting something, so Steve tells her that Kelly just tattled on her for playing kissy face with Dylan in the back room. Valerie pretends to look appalled at such an outlandish accusation and says, "Well, don't believe everything you hear...or half of what you see." Steve glumly says that that's not exactly a denial, so she tells him there's nothing to deny. In her made-up version of events, Dylan got drunk, grabbed her, and forced her to make out and giggle. She didn't want to tell anyone about it because his drunken advances were so embarrassing - plus she didn't want his friends to get on his case. Kelly doesn't buy her bullshit story and tells her as much, and Valerie retorts that Brandon was right: she really is hard on new people, then calls her dangerous. Kelly gives her a look of derisive incredulity and snaps, "I think it's the other way around." Valerie then diverts the issue to Dylan's alcoholism and admonishes Kelly for not getting off her pedestal to help Dylan stop boozing. Wow. Seriously. She then orders Steve to take her home and flounces in the direction of his car, leaving a seething Kelly glaring after her. Yay for the new Kelly/Valerie rivalry! It is so on!
California University. Clare shows David the footage of all the himbos she and Donna interviewed. She's edited the clips so that each guy is saying one word, and the result is them collectively saying the sentence: "I. Am. A. Stud. Muffin." It looks about as dumb and unfunny as I imagined it would. David giggles like a schoolgirl, especially when Clare plays the looped footage of Ray saying "love". Donna enters the room, looks at what they're watching, then tells them she doesn't want to use that footage. She thinks it's mean and no longer believes it's OK to make fun of people...then adds that she'd rather make people laugh. That you do, Donna. That you do.
The Walsh house. Papa Walsh is assembling a baby swing in preparation for Hannah's visit when Valerie enters the living room - with the top button of her jeans brazenly undone the way she had it undone in the A Clean Slate episode. What the hell kind of bizarre fashion trend is that?! She hands Papa Walsh a glass of lemonade, and tells him what a success the rave at the Peach Pit was, and that Nat and Dylan are very pleased. Papa Walsh remarks that he doesn't get why Dylan would care, since he's ultra rich and doesn't need the money. Valerie scrunches her face in confusion and says he doesn't seem like a multimillionaire...but rather a disheveled slob who's in desperate need of cash, not to mention a shave and a shower. Papa Walsh brushes that off and calls him a typical greedy Beverly Hills brat. The doorbell rings, and it's Ahn-drea and Jesse, who've come to drop off Hannah for the evening. Mama and Papa Walsh gush over the tiny tot, and Ahn-drea thanks them again for agreeing to babysit.
California University. Donna's handing out flyers for Rave Night #2. She encounters a construction worker and asks him if he knows where Ray Pruit is. He says, "That would be our Elvis" and directs her to the other side of the hill. Donna finds Ray playing a guitar and tells him that the footage of his trivia test/interview won't be used. He says that that's decent of her, and she apologizes and admits she was out of line. He apologizes for snapping at her and asks her why she's being so nice...and she bats her big Bambi eyes at him and assures him she is nice, and that he just got the wrong impression of her. She then invites him to come to the Peach Pit's rave that evening and promises to leave his name at the door so he can get in for free.
The Walsh house. Mama and Papa Walsh are enjoying babysitting Hannah and reminisce about when Brenda and Brandon were babies. Mama Walsh hints that she'd be into having another baby, but Papa Walsh thinks they're too old and immediately shuts down that horrific storyline idea. Ahn-drea calls to check up on how things are going, so Mama Walsh assures her that all is well and encourages her to stay out longer and have fun. Ahn-drea suddenly decides that she'll go over to the bar where Jesse works and pay him a surprise visit. Uh oh..
The Peach Pit After Dark. Ray arrives at the rave and Donna spots him and waves him over. She tells him she's glad he made it, and then he invites her to dance. Across the dance floor, David remarks to Clare that Donna's dancing with the construction worker from the video, and Clare snaps at him to quit gawking at Donna. Griffin, meanwhile, doesn't look at all thrilled that Donna's dancing with another guy and asks Steve who he is, but Steve shrugs and says he has no idea. Steve shows Valerie his flask o' alcohol and steers her into the back room - but she just gets annoyed and reminds him about her no drinking policy...which I guess is part of her general lie through her teeth about everything policy. She tells Steve that as head promoter he can't just abandon the party while it's in full swing, then grabs his flask and orders him to return to his hosting duties, which he meekly does.
Beach house. As Brandon walks Kelly to her door, she tells him how annoyed she is that he told Valerie she's hard on new people. Brandon is dismayed that his dickish comment got back to Kelly and explains that he only blurted it out to make Valerie feel better. Kelly warns him that she's trouble, but Brandon doesn't get why it's a big deal that she smoked pot and fooled around with Dylan. Me neither. He reminds Kelly that Valerie's father only recently shot himself and says it's amazing she's even functioning. He urges Kelly to give Valerie a fair shake, and Kelly says, "You better be worth it." He so isn't.
Bar. Ahn-drea arrives to pay a surprise visit to Jesse...but her excitement evaporates when she sees him leaning over the bar, flirting and whispering sweet nothings to an attractive woman. Haha! In your face, AHN-drea! She turns around and flees.
Dylan's house. Dylan's guzzling from Steve's flask, while Valerie drunkenly laughs at how "polluted" he is. He starts chasing her around his living room and accidentally knocks over a lamp...and she tells him that since he's a zillionaire, he can just buy another lamp. Dylan tells her he's not a zillionaire, so she asks him if that's why he was stealing money from the cash box...and he immediately gets all serious and warns her not to say another word about that, then smacks a wet kiss on her. She asks him where his money all went, and he tells her someone stole it then starts laughing maniacally at the fact that she won't have a chance to get a little taste of it - so the joke's on her. Actually, Sloucy, the joke is completely on you. Valerie grabs his face with both hands and retorts, "You think so, huh?"
And that lame comeback is where this episode abruptly ends.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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