Recap: Kelly's in a session with her therapist, discussing her daddy issues and generally crappy choices in men. She recalls that the day her dad ditched her and left town, she happened to come across Colin's vial of coke and impulsively started snorting. The therapist suggests that the two men in her life left her high and dry, but Kelly says she can really only blame herself. Well, d'yuh. She says she's been through this before with her deadbeat dad, and it's just the way he is...and it's taken her until now to fully accept what an irresponsible douchewad he is. She adds that she feels sorry for him, but will always love him nonetheless. As for Colin, there's something dark and twisted about him that she finds herself drawn to and controlled by...and she admits it kind of turns her on. Ew.
The Peach Pit. Steve tells Clare and David that his mother bought a savings bond for for him twenty years ago, and it's matured...and instead of making the responsible decision to reinvest, he plans to blow it on something frivolous and stupid. Clare cheekily suggests he use the money to buy his honey some jewelry, but he chuckles and tells her he's buying a Harley. Valerie comes over to say hello and give David a sad stare, then rushes off to her office in the After Dark. David moans that it's driving him crazy to no longer be tapping that, and Clare scrunches her face in confusion and reminds him that he was the one who dumped her. David mumbles that it still hurts nonetheless, then ambles off somewhere. Clare tells Steve that he should probably tell David that something blechy and unholy has started up between Valerie and Colin, but Steve argues that he doesn't know for sure that the two are hitting the sheets, then pauses to rhetorically ask, "Where's Brandon when you need him?"
Speaking of Brandon, he and Susan are on their way to San Diego to spend the weekend with her parents. Brandon is confident they'll love him since he saved their daughter from certain death on a mountaintop during the previous episode, but Susan makes a face and warns him not to bring that up. She didn't tell her parents about the mishap 'cause she was afraid they'd forbid her from ever going skiing again...then explains that, even after all these years, they're still pretty wigged out about the tragic death of their eldest daughter.
The Peach Pit. Donna's sitting with Joe's older brother Hank (visiting from Pittsburgh), and the two are awkwardly chit-chatting while they wait for Joe. When he finally arrives, Hank tells him he doesn't think it's a good idea for him to undergo the experimental heart surgery, then tells Donna it's a family matter and that she should butt out. Haha! Joe chides his brother for his rudeness and explains that Donna's been there for him during the whole boring heart scare storyline, and that her father's a cardiologist, blah blah...but Hank doesn't give a rat's ass and politely tells Donna to take a hike so that he and his brother can get caught up in private. Haha! You rock, Hank!
San Diego. Brandon and Susan arrive at the Keats' residence, and a Great Dane named Hamlet comes over to greet the two and then jumps on Brandon. Susan's parents, Gerald and Ruth, also appear in the foyer...and Ruth makes a snarky comment about Susan's messy hair. Brandon takes the blame and says he insisted on driving with the top down. Ruth orders Gerald to show Brandon to the downstairs guest bedroom...and as soon as the menfolk are out of earshot, Ruth remarks to Susan that Brandon's very handsome - and not at all like the intellectual types she usually goes for. Susan assures her mom that Brandon's smart and good looking, and Ruth murmurs, "Uh huh...I'm sure." LOL.
Rehab. Kelly loans Tara her cashmere sweater, and Tara gushes about its fuzzy softness. David drops by and gets introduced to the strange little imp, who then has to run along to her therapy session. David gives Kelly an update on everything that's going on on the outside, including Steve's purchase of a Harley Davidson. Kelly doesn't care 'bout that so much and says she wants the low-down on Colin - specifically: how is he handling their breakup? David instantly clams up, but when she insists he spill the beans, he tells her that Colin and Valerie have started seeing each other. Kelly's all, "Wha-a?!" and has to sit down to digest the disturbing news. She starts to cry, and David seats himself next to her and comforts her with a hug. I don't know why this should matter to her so much, since she was the one who dumped him...and for very good reason.
San Diego. The Keats serve paella for dinner - which, Ruth points out, was their dead daughter's favorite meal. Um...OK. Brandon tells the Keats he was eager to meet them, and Ruth goes, "Why?" Brandon says something jokey to try to ease the awkward moment, and this prompts Ruth to bitchily remark that he's a journalist and a comedian. Susan informs Brandon that her mom is a Shakespearean scholar and likes to give pop quizzes to guests (sounds super fun), so then Brandon quips that he doesn't know Macbeth from McDonalds. As Ruth stares at him in horror, Susan tells her that Brandon's not actually a dumb slouch - he was Student Body President during his sophomore year. Ruth looks unimpressed and retorts, "That's all well and good, but all I want to know is: are you sleeping with my daughter?" Bwahahaha! Susan fibs and claims they've remained chaste - and Brandon shoots her a dumbfounded, WTF? look.
Colin's loft. Colin and Valerie are standing out on the balcony, staring up at the stars. They reminisce about the European tour they went on as teenagers, and how they all slept under the stars one night. Colin tells her he's totes up for a real relationship with her, and she perks up and walks back inside and announces she's going to bed...then coquettishly asks him if he's coming. He asks her if she's "sure", and she tells him that as long as Kelly's truly out of the picture, she's up for them moving this thing forward by hitting the sheets.
Rehab. Kelly's out of sorts about Colin's and Valerie's hook-up, and Tara tells her she's just pissed off because her ex is dating someone she can't stand. Kelly wryly asks her how she got to be so smart, then says she feels humiliated - as though what they had meant nothing to him. Tara advises her to let it go and says Colin's not worth it...but Kelly moans that every time she closes her eyes, she can picture the two of them going at it. She tears up and says the thought of it makes her want to kill Valerie...and then rushes out of the room, leaving Tara contemplatively staring into space.
Beach house. Joe comes over and tells Donna that Hank still doesn't want him to go through with the experimental operation. Donna tells him not to let Hank's pessimism get to him, and reminds him he's lucky to have been accepted into the program. Joe tells her that he's now rethinking the operation 'cause of how opposed to it Hank is, and Donna looks miffed and says that Hank has no idea what he's talking about. Joe tells her that, to be fair, Hank suffered through his own health problems: a bum knee that ended his football career. Donna theorizes that Hank wants Joe to give up on his football dream like he was forced to...and Joe contemplatively stares into space. It's a toss-up which storyline is more dull: Joe's heart problems, or Brandon's/Susan's weekend in San Diego. Speaking of which..
After dinner, Susan asks her dad if they're ever going to do anything with her dead sister's room, and he explains that keeping it as a shrine is the way Ruth likes it. And since he seems to be one of those mute, hen-pecked type husbands, he doesn't want to do anything that might risk his bitchy wife's wrath. Susan mutters that it's depressing, but her dad tells her to just let it be and then trundles off to bed. Brandon asks Susan whaddup with her telling her mom they're not doinking, so Susan sheepishly replies that she's embarrassed about how cool his mom was about everything during the Christmas episode. Brandon asks her if her parents think she's still a virgin, and Susan says they know she's not, since she told them about her abortion, which they didn't deal with very well. Brandon asks her to please keep him in the loop about any future lies that affect him, and Susan responds by mounting him on the couch then tells him to pretend to go to bed, but then sneak up to her room later so they can get it on. Wouldn't it be easier if Susan sneaked downstairs to the guest bedroom and dropped in on him, since (I'll assume) it's a lot further away from her parents' bedroom?
Steve wants to take Clare for a ride on his new motorcycle, and after a lot of hemming and hawing about how scared she is of motorcycles, blah blah, she finally agrees to give it whirl. They do one short lap around the parking lot, and she gets off and says she's good with that. He suggests they go for a ride up the coast tomorrow, then reminds her he paid a lot of money for his new bike and says he bought it for both of them. She tells him she's not a biker chick and flounces off, and Steve scrunches his face and is all, "Wha-a?!" OK folks...we have a winner: this storyline is officially duller than Joe's bum heart and the San Diego visit put together.
San Diego. When Brandon tries to sneak upstairs, he encounters Hamlet, who's blocking his way. The dog growls at him menacingly, so Brandon tries to get him to back off...and eventually he discovers that quoting from Shakespeare does the trick.
The next morning, Colin phones Valerie to tell her how terrific in the sack she was, then asks her when he can see her again. The two arrange to meet for dinner, and he ends the call by schmaltzily assuring her that last night was "really beautiful". As Colin heads out, he runs into his old drug connection, Danny Five, who has dropped by unexpectedly to deliver a vial of cocaine 'cause that's not weird or suspicious at all. Colin declines and says he's trying to get straight, but Danny Five tells him the shit's too good to be missed, and that he can get straight next week. He tells Colin he can even keep the gram of coke if he gives him a ride, then explains that his car has a boot on one of his tires. Colin's reluctant, but Danny Five refuses to take no for an answer and forcibly steers him toward the parking lot.
San Diego. Ruth tells Gerald she's going upstairs to wake Susan so they can spend some quality time together...but when she enters Susan's room, she walks in on her and Brandon nestled in bed together. Susan sleepily murmurs, "Good morning, mom" and Ruth indignantly snaps, "I beg your pardon!" and storms out. Susan sleepily stretches for a little while until she realizes that Brandon is lying next to her...and a few seconds later, she panics and tells him he was supposed to go back to his room before morning. Brandon shrugs unconcernedly and says he fell asleep.
Ruth is angrily cutting fruit when Susan and Brandon sheepishly enter the kitchen. Susan tells her mom it's OK to look at them - since it's not like they committed one of the seven deadly sins. Ruth points out that lust is on that list - LOL - and Gerald tells his wife to lighten up. She haughtily retorts that Susan willfully disrespected her, so then Susan points out that her dead sister used to sleep with her boyfriend in the house, and Ruth snaps back that the two were engaged, and how dare she bring her up when she should be letting her rest in peace. Susan tears up and goes, "Why can't you let her rest in peace?" and tells her mom how shitty it is that her bedroom has been turned into an office, while her dead sister's remains a creepy, untouched shrine. She asks, "How is that supposed to make me feel?" then says she can't take it anymore, and storms out of the room. Brandon shifts uncomfortably and offers to go talk to her, but Ruth advises him to let her cool down, then says she'll go have a chat with her. After she exits the kitchen, Gerald remarks to Brandon that Ruth and Susan are exactly alike, and Brandon shares with him that Susan is having a tough time living up to her sister's memory.
Rehab. Donna and Clare drop by and bring Kelly and Tara some of Nat's peach pie. As they gather together and dig in, Clare updates Kelly on Steve's motorcycle and adds that she has no interest in riding on it. A cute doctor named Greg suddenly interrupts the klatch and looks mock serious when he asks them if they're having a party. As Donna and Clare openly leer at him, he informs Kelly that her group session has been rescheduled for 10:15am. Clare and Donna head out soon after, and Tara tells Kelly she has really great friends and shyly asks her if she has room for one more. (Noooo!!) Kelly just kind of shrugs and goes, "Sure."
Donna meets Hank in the Student Union, and he apologizes for his rudeness yesterday. She tells him it's OK, and the two rehash the whole experimental surgery debate yet again...blah blah. Donna accuses Hank of being secretly glad that Joe's football career is over, 'cause now he won't progress in the sport any further than he (Hank) did. Hank doesn't answer and just stares back at her mutely.
The Peach Pit. Steve enters the diner wearing his motorcycle gear, finds Clare, and hands her a personalized helmet. He gives her an ultimatum: "Ride with me or I ride alone." She mulls that over and decides she will ride with him after all. Fantastic. On their way out, they run into David, who's on his way up to see Valerie. When he finds her in her office, he snarks that it didn't take her long to "jump on Colin". Valerie tells him it's none of his business (it's not), and he agrees (well...good), but warns her that Colin dragged Kelly down and will likely do the same to her. Valerie says she's a lot stronger than Kelly, then abruptly leaves the office.
Brandon and Susan are on their way back to L.A. She's tired and emotionally drained from all the stuff with her mother...then says that after their (off camera) heart-to-heart, she realizes how much her mother really does care for her and that she shouldn't be so hard on her. Brandon adds, "Or yourself."
Hank has to fly back to Pittsburgh...and he's decided that he no longer wants to stand in the way of whatever Joe wants to do. Hank tells Donna it was a pleasure meeting her, then tells her to get Joe to bring her to Beaver Falls sometime, since Joe has some nieces who are sure to "take a liking" to her. Donna gives him one of her obnoxiously sanctimonious smiles and says she'd like that, and then Hank heads off to the airport.
Colin is dropping off Danny Five someplace...and as he exits the van, he smirks and goes, "Who loves you?" and stumbles off. A few minutes later, police cars appear in every direction with their sirens blaring...and Colin's like, "Ack! I have that vial of coke on me!" He manages to elude the police cars, but then promptly becomes the target of a high speed chase.
David's sitting at the counter of the Peach Pit, watching the news about a high speed chase involving a drug dealer. Heh. Over at the Walsh house, Steve and Clare are watching the same newscast and bark at Valerie to "get in here" 'cause the van being pursued by police looks a lot like Colin's. In the rehab TV room, Kelly and Tara are also absorbed in the newscast, and Kelly remarks that the van looks like Colin's. The police finally manage to corner the driver...and Colin surrenders, steps out of the van, and lies on the ground while police cuff him and take him into custody. Valerie exclaims, "My God!", while Kelly looks devastated and starts crying. Tara asks her if she's still in love with the guy, then glares over at her with a weird looking, menacing expression on her face.