Recap: Jake has packed up Jess's meagre belongings and is dumping them outside his front door when Jess wanders over (after having spent the night in Jo's apartment - ew) to ask whassup. Jake says he's officially kicking him out, and that he needn't bother showing up for his Shooters shift 'cause he's fired. Jess calls his reaction to his blechy hookup with Jo ridiculous, points out that he (Jake) doesn't own Jo, who - and this is completely besides the point - allegedly told him he was the best sex she's ever had. He continues to taunt Jake about how awesome it's been to hit the sack with her and thanks him for "warming her up" ... and Jake responds by growling, "You sonofabitch.." and giving him a well deserved punch in the face. The two then go at it for several seconds - until Jo races downstairs and pulls Jake off of her lover. Jake shoots them both the stink-eye and coldly declares to Jess that, as of now, they're nothing to each other and that he doesn't ever want to see him again. Across the complex, Matt offers Paul coffee, but he declines 'cause he has to rush off to the hospital. He gushes about what an orgasmic delight last night was and promises to call him later. After he leaves, Matt notices that he left behind his beeper...but when he tries to catch him, he sees that Paul has already disappeared from the courtyard. The hospital's Chief of Staff, a no-nonsense type old guy named Calvin Hobbs, summons Michael and Kimberly to his office. He asks Kimberly if it's true that she penned a suicide note...and when she admits she did, he calls it a very serious situation. Michael concurs and pretends as though his only motive in blowing the whistle on his soon-to-be ex was to alert the hospital to a potentially dangerous personnel situation - but Hobbs just shoots him a withering glare, then chides them both for dragging the hospital into their personal baggage. He orders them to find a way to work together amicably, otherwise they'll both be suspended...and Kimberly and Michael respond by shaking hands before exiting the office and getting back to work. While strolling in a neighborhood park, Brooke tells Alison she took the liberty of arranging an interview for her with her dad's company for [what I can only assume is a made up] VP of Marketing position - but Alison says she'd much prefer to kick back and maybe repair her fractured relationship with Billy. Brooke argues that she should strike while the iron's hot and at least interview for the job to see if it's something she'd be interested in. Over at Mancini Designs, Jane asks Sydney what she did with the heroin, and Sydney tells her she flushed it all down the toilet. Jane says that while that's a good first step, she also needs to find a way to nullify the pantyhose contract with Vince and Jim, then grabs Sydney and urgently tells her she neeeeeeds to get them out of this mess today. A few seconds later, Sydney answers the phone...and when she realizes it's Jim, she calls him out on slipping heroin in the boxes along with the pantyhose and makes it clear to anyone who may be listening in to their bugged phone that she knows nothing of any drug trafficking. Jim assures her he can explain everything and wants to meet up with her for dinner 'cause of how well they clicked, and a flattered Sydney accepts...then tells Jane she has the situation under control.
Matt drops by Paul's office to return his beeper, then happens to notice a framed photo of Paul and a pretty brunette. When he asks (Paul's assistant) Susan who the woman is, she's like, "Well duh, it's his wife" and gushes about how Paul and Carol have everything going for them (hetero nooky excepted): looks, love, money. Jo enters Shooters and attempts to talk to Jake - but he snarlingly tells her that as long as she's bumping uglies with Jess, he can't not throw up whenever he thinks about either of them. He tells her she used to be a better judge of character [though not really...'cause let's not forget that in Season 2 she hooked up with a drug dealing murderer who impregnated her]. Jo argues that his anger seems to stem more from a competition with his brother, but Jake flatly tells her he considers her dalliance with Jess to be a betrayal of their friendship/whatever they are to each other. Sydney meets up with Jim at a nearby restaurant, and he flashes her an FBI badge and tells her he's undercover, and that his unit is days away from busting a major heroin operation. He warns that the Mancini Design Studio is about to go down, and strongly advises her to resign as president and make it look as though she was never in charge. He cautions her to tell absolutely no one what he's just revealed to her, and that she can only save herself...meaning not Jane. Kimberly stops in at D&D to apologize to Amanda for her horrendous behavior of late, explaining that she blamed her for her failed marriage to Michael. Amanda just kind of shrugs and says it's a moot point, given that she's not seeing Michael [or was ever really into him to begin with], not least 'cause he's proven himself to be one sick puppy. Kimberly informs her that the reason she got so sick during her chemo treatment was because Michael screwed up the medication...and then urges her to file a lawsuit against him. She insists that Michael is so inept as a physician that he needs to be stopped, and gives Amanda her number in case she's interested in pursuing the matter. Amanda somehow refrains from pointing out the completely nonsensical nature of this accusation, given that much was made in the Breakfast at Tiffany's, Dinner at Eight episode about banishing Michael from any involvement in Amanda's cancer treatments: Michael bursts into Dr. Steele's office and decrees that he neeeeeeeeds to see Amanda. Dr. Steele's like, "I don't, actually" and admonishes him about his allegedly nefarious plot to steal his cancer study so he can take it over. When Michael stares at him confusedly and is all, "Huh..?", Dr. Steele explains that earlier he got a phone call from a colleague who painted a rather dismal picture of his scruples. Michael chews on that for a few seconds, then suggests he take him out of the equation, and insists that he genuinely has zero interest in interfering with his cancer study and simply cares about getting Amanda the medical help she needs. Matt admonishes Paul for not telling him he was married...and Paul insists he was going to tell him - but that he's confused, scared, and until last night, has never acted on his instincts as a closeted gay man. He moans about how he doesn't know how to handle any of this, and Matt coldly suggests he buy a book and figure it out...adding that as long as he's married, they can only be platonic friends. Sydney informs Jane that Jim agreed to let them out of the pantyhose deal, then says she suddenly feels the enormous weight of being the studio's president and wants to be cut loose asap. She hands Jane her resignation letter and tells her she can just keep the 100K investment...and a [faux] perplexed Jane's all, "What aren't you telling me?" while Sydney mutters that she just wants out. Pa Armstrong is interviewing Alison (aboard his fancy yacht) for the VP of Marketing position. Alison concurs that, yes, she has the requisite confidence, knowledge, and range for a high level (pretend) job such as this...and Pa Armstrong offers scant details about the position: 100K salary, bonuses, four weeks vacation. He warns that it's a challenging job, then pretends as though he's going to be interviewing a few other people before he makes his final decision.
Sydney talks on a pay phone with Jim, who advises her to go underground for a week or two. He instructs her to covertly drive to Palm Springs, then gives her directions to a specific food place where she's to order a pastrami on rye...after which the clerk will provide her with the name of a hotel where she can check in and wait for him to join her and brief her about the undercover heroin bust. When Sydney remarks on how completely ridiculous all of this sounds, Jim gruffly retorts that he's doing everything possible to save her ass, and that she needs to do exactly what he says. Jess is shooting pool at a dive bar called Side Show when he overhears a group of thuggish men talking about the next robbery they'd like to commit [because clearly they're a bunch of indiscreet dumbasses]. For whatever reason, Jess sasses them...and after they give him a semi-mild beating, he tells them he has a job he'd like to hire them to do. Alison gets a call from Pa Armstrong, who offers her the VP of Marketing job...then breaks the news that it means she'll have to relocate to his company's headquarters in Hong Kong. Alison's all, "Excuse me?", to which he slyly replies, "Oops. Didn't I mention that tiny detail?" [Mmm...nope.] When Alison says she's not actually interested in moving halfway across the world, he urges her to sleep on it, adding that the position needs to be filled asap. After he hangs up, he asks Brooke, who's been eavesdropping on the call, if Hong Kong is far enough away, and she cackles happily, "It's perfect, daddy!" and gives him a grateful hug. Incidentally, it looks as though Brooke lied to Billy about being cut off from her dad financially after she dumped the approved fiancé. Later at D&D, Brooke tells Billy that her pa offered Alison a job in Hong Kong, and gabbles about how it's a hotspot for international trade. Billy mentions that Alison invited him to dinner tonight, and remarks on how he doesn't think she's of sound mind enough to be jetting off to Hong Kong - particularly 'cause she doesn't do well whenever she's away from a familiar environment. Brooke points out that he holds the power to either 1) urge Alison to stay in L.A. and continue to live in the shadow of her many failures, or 2) urge her to accept the opportunity of a lifetime in Hong Kong. As instructed by Jim, Sydney arrives in Palm Springs, then approaches a lunch truck and orders a pastrami on rye. When the cook tells her he only serves tacos - 'cause the truck is clearly labelled as a taco lunch truck - she slowly repeats her order while giving him a knowing look. He tells her again they only serve tacos...and when she asks if there's anyone else who works at the truck, he tells her his brother has a shift in a few hours. Sydney decides to settle in and wait for the brother. Back at the hospital, Paul pleads with Matt to help him through his 'I wanna come out of the closet but since I'm married I can't quite do it' conundrum. He invites Matt to come by his house tonight to talk and assures him his wife will be away all evening...and Matt chews on that for a few seconds and decides he's game. Michael bursts into Amanda's office at D&D while she's meeting with Brooke, rails about the malpractice suit she just filed against him, and snarlingly calls her "one cold-blooded bitch". When an alarmed Brooke picks up the phone to call 911, Michael tries to wrench it out of her hand, warns Amanda that the lawsuit will never make it to court, then storms out of the office and slams the door behind him. Amanda just shakes her head in dismay and remarks to Brooke that she always assumed Kimberly was the kook of that gruesome twosome. While dining out, Billy tells Alison he can't think of a single reason for her to not accept the Hong Kong job, then points out that it's only for a year [ ?? I must have missed mention of that earlier] ... and Alison reacts by looking bummed that he's not begging her to pleeeeease stay in L.A. Over at Casa Graham, Paul is prepping a nutritious looking dinner while explaining to Matt that he met his wife Carol, a blue blood, in college...but that they've always been more like siblings than husband and beard. He says he doesn't feel an ounce of sexual attraction to her - unlike the way he (Matt) has awakened his penile pleasure points. He says he no longer wants to deny his feelings, then suggests they continue this discussion upstairs...and Matt looks visibly intrigued by the sexy prospect.
The brother of the taco truck guy tells Sydney he's closing up now...and when she tries to once again order a pastrami on rye, he wearily tells her they only serve tacos and that she needs to skedaddle - otherwise he'll consider her hanging around an act of loitering. At the Side Show bar, Jess is finalizing "the job" with the gang of dumbasses. He pays them half, then promises the other half upon completion...and remarks on how the soon-to-be victim has had this coming for a long time. Uh oh. Back at D&D, Amanda overhears Billy talking to Alison on the phone as he offers to drive her to the airport. Amanda swiftly nixes that and reminds him he has an important meeting in an hour - but allows Brooke to give her a lift, in lieu of suggesting that Alison call a damn cab to get herself to the airport. Alison tells Jo [I guess these two made up from their beef from four episodes ago] that it feels weird to not see Billy one last time before she abruptly jets off to Hong Kong, 'cause in her mind there's so much that remains unresolved. Jo strongly encourages her to say what she needs to say, perhaps in the form of a letter. Carol Graham saunters into Matt's office to call him a "disgusting piece of trash" and then nonsensically accuses him of taking advantage of her poor defenceless husband by seducing him. Matt somehow refrains from pointing out how clearly desperate Paul is to come out of the closet and stammeringly promises to not see her husband anymore, and Carol's like, "Well d'yuh" and threatens to kill him if he does. Yeesh. After arriving at the airport, Alison confesses to Brooke that she's still in love with Billy, and Brooke hastily changes the subject and points out that her new Hong Kong job will open all kinds of doors and allow her to satisfy her own dreams. She then weakly points out that if she and Billy are really meant to be, he'll be there for her when she returns to the States. Alison hands Brooke the Dear Billy letter she wrote and asks her to pass it along to him...but after Alison disappears inside the airport terminal, Brooke's like, "I don't think so" and crumples it up. Sydney tentatively arrives at the Mancini Design Studio, and Jane coldly greets her at the door and grimly asks if she came to see her get handcuffed and dragged off to the slammer. She then tells Sydney it's over, and that she currently has a photoshoot in progress. As a befuddled Sydney wanders over to where the photography is taking place, Jane chucklingly introduces her to Vince and Jim, her catalogue models (aka not drug traffickers who spend their days packaging heroin and pantyhose). Jim is barely able to keep a straight face as he asks, "Did you ever get your pastrami on rye?" - which, incidentally, made me laugh pretty hard - and when Sydney haughtily calls Jane out on setting her up, Jane replies that was simply fighting fire with fire. She goes on to explain that not everything about this hilarious operation was phony, then holds up the resignation letter Sydney gave her a few days earlier. She orders Sydney to vacate the premises before she's thrown out for trespassing...and a discombobulated Sydney calls them all freaks before angrily flouncing off.
Amanda is doing some D&D work in her apartment when the power suddenly goes out. As she rummages around for a flashlight, the front door creaks open...and she spots a shadowy figure peer inside before running off. When Amanda rushes to the front door, she finds a note stuck on the wall that creepily says We're not finished yet. The shadowy figure rushes into a motel room while the phone begins to ring, and we see that it's Kimberly wearing a baggy overcoat with a hood. When she answers the phone, it's Amanda, frantically recounting how Michael just tried to terrorize her in her apartment. Jo arrives home and finds Jess preparing a romantic, candlelit dinner for her, explaining that he's celebrating some work he just lined up. He gushes about how he owes all of his good fortune to her...and that ever since she gave him hope, he feels as though nothing is impossible. The two then start smooching and quickly move on to some frantic looking sex atop the kitchen counter...and, nope, still no chemistry happening there. At Shooters, Jake tells Sydney he fired his traitor of a brother and kicked him out of his apartment, and Sydney applauds him for getting that fugly loser out of his life. Across the bar, meanwhile, the dumbass thugs Jess hired are milling around looking all sinister-like...and a few seconds later they draw their guns and yell at everyone to hit the floor. Jake calmly urges them to take it easy...and when one of the thugs orders him to open the cash register, he complies and then hastily crouches down to press the secret panic button. The thug is all, "Hey! What are you doing down there?!" and opens fire, shooting Jake in the torso...and then full on chaos ensues as the thugs race for the exit while Sydney yells at whoever to call 911. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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MELROSE PLACE HOMEPAGE
Recapper: Isabel K. French 
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