Melrose Place - Season 3, Episode 24

Brooke is very thrilled to suddenly become a paid D&D lackey

"To Live and Die in Malibu"
Original airdate: 3/20/1995

Episode summary: Alison alienates Jo when she's super bitchy to her during a D&D photoshoot. Jess arrives in L.A. and immediately gives Sydney cause to be suspicious of his motives. Michael dumps Kimberly, who reacts by overdosing on a bottle of pills.

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Recap: Michael is standing next to Amanda's ICU bedside looking worriedly despondent at her deteriorating condition. He tells Matt he now regrets being so pushy about getting her into the special research program - but Matt's like, "Yeah, whatever. Your heart was in the right place", then urges him to take a much-needed break and get some rest. When he promises to keep a watchful eye on Amanda, Michael reluctantly agrees to take some me time and sadly lumbers off. 

Michael returns to the beach house and is startled when Kimberly abruptly turns on the lights and sweetly asks him if he had a rough day at the hospital...then waves around Amanda's undergarments and asks, "What's all this stuff?" Michael glumly explains that right now Amanda is in the ICU and might not survive the day...and nonsensically adds that she was sooooo sick and such a pathetic co-dependent that he felt he had no other choice but to move her into the beach house so that she felt as though she had a reason to live. Kimberly makes a sarcastic remark about how he's always putting his patients first, and how lucky she is to have such an honest, loving husband. She then creepily urges, "Come here, you. Give mommy a kiss", so Michael joins her on the couch and leans in for a smooch - but then shrieks out in pain when Kimberly bites his lip and snarls, "Love hurts, Michael. Remember that." No doubt he will, weirdo.

Jess has arrived in L.A. and is standing in the middle of Shooters, looking impressed as he glances around his half-bro's bar. Sydney approaches him, assumes he's a customer, and tells him they're not open for another half hour...so he explains that he's Jake's yokelly disheveled half-bro, and that they worked through their hostility-related issues after the recent passing of their ma. Sydney perks up at that and hastily offers to escort him over to Jake's nearby apartment.

At D&D, Jo is bellyaching to Billy about Alison's lack of communication about her overall vision for the upcoming Glorious Gowns photoshoot...and when Alison ambles over a few seconds later, Jo breaks the news to her that the shoot's location fell through. Alison gets irked and accuses Jo of deliberately sabotaging the campaign, to which Jo angrily points out how nonsensical it is to accuse her of doing such a dickish thing. Brooke interrupts to inform Alison that a bunch of prospective models for the shoot are waiting in the conference room for their scheduled audition - and Alison snarks back that there's no sense in having auditions if there's no location for the shoot. An exasperated Jo offers to book the models so that Alison can be freed to look into a new location, and Alison snarkishly replies, "Your butt's on the line here. I just want you to know that." Jo just stares back at her mutely and somehow refrains from telling her where she can shove her bitchitude.

"Your ass is grass if you screw this up."

"The minuscule amount of power attached to being D&D's new president has gone to your head far faster than expected."

Billy chides Alison for her appalling lack of people management skills, and she snarlingly replies that she needs his advice less than she needs a new location for the photoshoot pronto and barks, "Find one!" LOL. Brooke interjects and tells Alison that she's welcome to use her father's vast estate in Pasadena, and Alison chews on that for a few seconds and orders Billy to check it out and report back asap.

​Sydney brings Jess over to Jake's apartment and explains to Jake that when the schlub stumbled into Shooters and introduced himself as the half-bro, she figured he'd want to see him right away. Jake thanks her, tells her he'll see her at Shooters later, and shuts the door in her face. Jess tells Jake that he came to L.A. 'cause he didn't have a whole lot to do in Washington now that their high-maintenance ma is gone...and that he's hoping to get some help turning his life around. He wankingly adds that he's sooooo impressed by his ownership of Shooters, and Jake says he's welcome to a job at the bar if he's interested in earning some quick cash...and Jess happily replies, "Put me on the payroll."

Billy and Brooke arrive at Casa Armstrong, a lovely brick mansion on a sprawling, well-manicured estate. Brooke chuckles at Billy's surprised expression and confirms that, yep, her family is indeed filthy rich. The two stroll along the grounds and end up sitting near a patio garden, which Brooke reveals is the exact place she lost her virginity. She needlessly overshares about her first time and gets all canoodley with Billy - until a handsome man appears, and she springs up and rushes over to kiss him hello. She introduces him to Billy as her fiancé Lowell...and a befuddled Billy puts a pin in that tidbit for now and warily asks her if he can borrow her cell phone so that he can call Alison to confirm the new photoshoot location. 

Scott Schenkman of the Greater Plains Insurance Company arrives at the hospital in search of Michael...and when Kimberly just happens to overhear him asking for Michael, she introduces herself as his wife and suggests that maybe she can help. He stares at her confusedly and says, "It's good to see you out of bed" ... and when Kimberly confusedly snaps, "Excuse me?", he explains who he is and reminds her that [he believes] they recently met at the beach house. He then tells her he has the settlement check for Michael, who filed a claim against the city for the car accident [that mostly disfigured her hairline] ... and Kimberly suddenly starts pretending she knows all about it and says she'd be happy to take the check and pass it along to her husband. 

"You look so much healthier without a blanket covering your head."

"I will choose to accept that as an odd compliment."

When Amanda finally regains consciousness, Michael is holding her hand and happily cooing about her turning a corner...and that this latest scare has made him fully realize how much he loves her. When an underwhelmed Amanda's all, "I'm waaaaay too tired to react to that stupid pronouncement", Michael backs off, says he'll stop by later, and exits the room. He runs straight into Kimberly, who snarkishly informs him that she just got a 100K check from an insurance guy for the terrible car accident that disfigured her. She agrees to hand it over if he formally dumps Amanda, and Michael faux insists that he'd be more than happy to tell Amanda to get lost so that he can refocus his energy on their toxic coupling. Kimberly's all, "Yay!" and gives him a happy smooch before promising to put the check into a joint account as a show of faith in his devotion to her.

Over at D&D, Brooke flirtily invites Billy to lunch - but he declines 'cause he's too busy. He pissily asks whassup with her having a fiancé she never mentioned, and Brooke rolls her eyes at that and chides him for not being mature enough to forge a friendship with someone he's so obviously attracted to. A few seconds later, Alison wanders over and praises Brooke for providing a venue for the upcoming photoshoot. She then directs her attention to Billy and informs him that Michael just let her know that Amanda can receive hospital visitors...before flirtily reminiscing about their doinkfest in her office the other day. Billy makes a seriously? face and reminds her that when he wanted to ruminate about it, she just wanted to forget it ever happened. Alison mumbles something or other about how their fuck buddy antics are the only thing keeping her going...and after she lumbers off and is safely out of earshot, Billy bitterly mutters, "Yeah, sure."

Sydney shows Jess the ropes of working at Shooters...and when he asks what happened between her and Jake, she says he dumped her after he cheated on her - but insists that she cheated on him for a very good reason. She adds that she and Jake belong together, and that it's just taking him longer than expected to realize it.
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That evening, the Melrose Place gang (+ Brooke, - Jo) arrives at the hospital to visit Amanda. At the last minute, Alison decides she can't bring herself to face her former boss...and, much to Billy's dismay, asks Brooke to pass along to Amanda the rose she had intended to give her.

Back at Shooters, Jo is grumbling to Jake about how uppity Alison has gotten since becoming head cheese at D&D, and that it's making her long for the time when Amanda was president. Jess then wanders over, says hey to Jo, and tells her he's now working at Shooters...and that since's he's too poor to afford housing, he's sleeping in Jake's bar office. Jo gives him a funny look and chides Jake for not insisting that he stay in his cozy apartment - but Jess argues that he'd feel like too much like a burden and actually prefers to have no real home to bunk in. Jo's like, "OK, whatever" and offers to take Jake out to dinner, and Jess urges him to go and insists that he and Sydney can close up...and after a bit of hemming and hawing, Jake's like 'sure, why the hell not?'

Matt, Billy, and Jane are visiting Amanda, who derisively rolls her eyes at the single orchid she got from Jane and Jo (who obviously cheaped out by going in on the flower together). When Brooke tiptoes into the room and hands Amanda the rose from Alison, Amanda tosses it onto the floor (LOL) and growlingly says to pass along the message: "She's going to have to put away her dancing shoes 'cause I'm not dead yet."

"You tell that bitch she's going to rue the day she got me fired."

"So far I'm loving this viper's nest I unwittingly stumbled into."

After Shooters is shut down for the night, Sydney hands Jess his share of the tips...and he announces that he's going to turn in (in the back office) and get some shut-eye. He then ambles into the office and brazenly snoops through the papers in Jake's filing cabinet...and when Sydney suddenly appears in the doorway and asks what he's doing, he faux explains that he wants to make sure his bro is turning a good profit, and isn't being taken advantage of by anyone. Sydney responds by shooting him a suspicious stink-eye and says it's painfully obvious that he's up to no good and threatens to reveal her suspicions to Jake - but Jess warns her not to stick her nose in their family bidness if she wants to stay out of harm's way.

Kimberly drops by Amanda's hospital room to gloat about how she and Michael are back together after they (faux) decided on a mutual understanding, smugly adding, "Now he's mine. Bought and paid for." An indifferent Amanda's like, "What-the-fuck-ever" and says she couldn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses what she and Michael do - just as Michael enters the room. Kimberly gaily tells him that she was just sharing their good news with Amanda, then gives him a kiss before chirping, "I'll see you at home." Once she's safely out of hearing range, Michael tells Amanda he can explain - but she just rolls her eyes and tells him to not put her in the middle of their "marital machinations". Michael insists that his toxic cesspool of a marriage will be over very soon - but Amanda just tells him to get lost so that she can focus her attention on reading the newspaper. 

Glorious Gowns photoshoot! Alison barks at someone on the phone, then barks at a flunky assistant about why the shoot hasn't gotten started yet. Brooke, meanwhile, introduces her father (hey - it's Cody from Riptide!) to Billy...and a few seconds later, Alison ambles over to introduce herself to the handsome dad. When the topic of Brooke's unpaid internship comes up in the conversation, Pa Armstrong makes it clear how put out he is that his daughter has been putting in such long hours without getting paid, and Alison announces that - voilà! - Brooke is suddenly a paid D&D employee...which prompts Brooke to beam even more widely than she usually beams. 

Alison decides she's unhappy with the backdrop of the photos and bitchily tells Jo she wants her to move the entire photoshoot over to the swimming pool. Jo argues that it's a giant pain in the ass to do this now, particularly when she refused to have a conversation about her general vision for the shoot a day earlier - but Alison unapologetically barks, "Make it work!" and threatens to hire another photographer. Jo barks back that she's in way over her head trying to fill Amanda's shoes, and that there's zero chance of her finding a new, reputable photographer during the actual shoot...to which a deflated Alison mutters, "Just do it, Jo. My way" ... and when she ambles off and is safely out of earshot, Jo mutters, "Bitch."

After the half-bros enjoy an afternoon of surfing, Jess natters at Jake about the awesomeness of California living. He then asks, "What's the deal with Sydney?" ... and when Jake insists that they're just friends, Jess says she clearly wants more from him, and that he's worried she's trying to take advantage of him. He vows to watch out for his little bro now that he's going to be sticking around for awhile, and Jake says he likes the sound of that and invites him to move into his apartment so that he can finally experience the joy of living in a non-mobile home.

That evening in the Melrose Place courtyard, Alison runs into Jo, who's still irked by the verbal tongue lashing she was subjected to during the photoshoot. Alison delivers the back-handed apology, "I'm sorry if I wounded your ego", then whiningly explains that she's under a lot of pressure to make this campaign a success. Jo chucklingly points out that she's coping with all of the stress by being a self-centered, ungrateful ass...and that she's kidding herself if she thinks exhibiting this kind of bitchitude is going to get her to the top. Alison retorts, "Nice guys finish last", and Jo's all, "Whatever" and makes it clear to Alison that she has no fucks left to give if she has unilaterally decided to stop acting like a decent human being.

Back at the hospital, Kimberly is stunned and devastated when she's served with divorce papers in front of a group of colleagues. She immediately races over to Michael and demands to know whassup, so he coldly tells her she misrepresented herself as a fertile woman, despite knowing how important having a family was to him [though: not]. Kimberly tears up and calls him cruel - but he points out that her barrenness is valid grounds for ending a marriage, then flatly says, "I want out" 'cause he's in love with Amanda...who, apparently, is recovering from her cancer quicker than even her team of doctors anticipated. He proceeds to add salt into the wound by telling Kimberly that he's been planning this dumping for a very long time, and that his feelings for her were nothing more than an act...and that every time he was guilted into smooching her, he closed his eyes and thought of England [along with the insurance loot coming his way]. A sobbing Kimberly sinks to the floor as Michael instructs her to move out of the beach house asap...then chides her to stop crying and get a damn grip already.

"I thought you genuinely loved me."

"I can't imagine whatever gave you that idea."

Back at D&D, Brooke gets a lovely flower arrangement from Amanda (who also sent along a note to ask her to come see her at the hospital), but tells Alison they're from her fiancé. Alison says she'd love to meet him and suggests that they go on a double-date with herself and Billy. 

Michael tells Amanda that her bloodwork is A-OK, and Amanda happily says she suddenly feels super great and wants to get back to work. Michael leans in for a thank you kiss - but she rebuffs him and points out that she had an entire team of doctors who helped her turn this pivotal corner. A few seconds later, Brooke arrives for their tête-à-tête...and Amanda informs her that:

• She fully intends to get her job back from Alison
• She's a formidable ally (or enemy) when she's at full strength
• She wants her to function as her spy while she continues to recover

Over at the beach house, a distraught Kimberly pens Michael a suicide note, then swigs some booze straight from the bottle, staggers onto the outdoor deck and lowers herself atop a beach lounger before downing an entire bottle of pills.

While dining out at a fancy restaurant, Alison toasts Brooke and Lowell, while Brooke cheekily fondles Billy's upper thigh under the table. Billy hastily excuses himself and rushes over to the bathroom...but Brooke follows, tells him to stop denying his feelings for her, and plants a smooch on his lips. She explains that Lowell is "just a business deal", and that her father hand-picked him to be her husband, but she doesn't love him. She decrees that one day she will run her daddy's company and choose the father of her children. 

Michael returns home and finds an overdosed Kimberly on the beach lounger. His first reaction is to grab the phone and dial 911...but when the operator answers, he suddenly gets a faraway look in his eyes, abruptly ends the call, and chuckles evilly to himself. 

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