Melrose Place - Season 3, Episode 19

Sydney quickly bores of cult camp

"Boxing Sydney"
Original airdate: 2/6/1995

Episode summary: Amanda faces the reality of her cancer diagnosis and agrees to begin treatment. Matt is aghast when his new police detective friend threatens Kimberly with physical violence for her role in his assault. Sydney is abducted by Martin and his cultists when she attempts to bail on their desert retreat. 

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Recap: Michael drops by D&D to tell Amanda she needs to hightail it over to the hospital asap so he can finish her work-up. She argues that she feels just fine and has deluded herself into believing she doesn't actually have cancer...and an exasperated Michael urges her to get a second opinion if she wants, but that she needs to consider her current health status "dead serious". Amanda wryly asks if he's trying to scare her, and he grimly replies, "No, I thought the biopsy would", then suggests she direct her bitchitude to fighting the cancer instead of him.

At the hospital, Matt calls out Kimberly for hiring thugs to rough him up so that she'd have ample opportunity to rewrite her psychological evaluation, which was altered to describe her as the sunniest lady doctor who ever lived. When he grumbles that it's forgery, she reminds him that he too committed forgery when he changed Michael's blood alcohol results after the drunk driving accident that nearly killed her. Matt argues that he only did that "to save your precious Michael" so he wouldn't be shipped off to prison...then vows that somehow, someday he's going to see to it that she's thrown out of the hospital. He then smirks and tells her her wig is crooked, and she looks alarmed and rushes over to the nearest mirror to check on her fake hair.

In front of the Melrose Place complex, Sydney gets restless as she and Rikki wait for the cultists to pick them up for an out of town jaunt...and Rikki tells her to chillax, 'cause she's about to embark on an incredible journey that's sure to offer her a delightful load of spiritual enlightenment. Sydney shrugs and jokes about how she could really go for a sandwich right now - just as Jane wanders over. Sydney mockingly asks her if she's going to accuse her of cutting up her underwear, then informs her sister that she's off on a vacation [spoiler: not a vacation] ... and Jane's all, "Say wuh?" and reminds her that she's supposed to meet with her probation officer. Rikki chucklingly remarks to Jane that she's trying to control Sydney's life while hers is such a hot mess - but Jane just ignores her and tells Sydney she's still in a lot of trouble for trashing Shooters [despite there not being a shred of proof that she was, in any way, responsible]. A few seconds later, a mini school bus arrives, and Sydney lapses into cult-speak as she advises, "Drop the weight, Jane. Worry about your own responsibilities" [not bad advice, actually], then climbs onto the school bus with Rikki.

"You have to face the consequences of a crime there's no evidence of you committing."

"I'd much prefer to hang with my cult friends."

Matt is lunching with Detective John Rawlings, aka the cop who's been investigating his gay hate crime attack during the previous episode, and reveals that Dr. Kimberly Shaw was the person who hired the two thugs to beat him up...but that he wants to discreetly handle the matter himself. John jots down Kimberly's name, then changes the subject and asks Matt what he likes to do for fun. Matt stares back at him humorlessly and says he has zero interest in leaping into a new romantic relationship, then gets up and mumbles that he has to get back to work now.

The cult bus arrives at a remote location in the desert...and as Rikki marvels about the ugly campsite being a Utopia, Sydney glances around at the spartan tents and decrepit camper with visible distaste and says she's hugely disappointed that this isn't the luxury weekend resort she was led to believe she'd be vacationing at. Rikki shoots her an incredulous stare and says that the sole purpose of this retreat is to get away from the trappings of everyday life and rid herself of material things, and then Martin wanders over and lays it on thick about how the clean desert air makes one's spirit soar. 

That evening, Jake is putting a new seat on Jo's motorcycle when Amanda storms over to tell him to get that hunk of junk out of the courtyard 'cause it's leaking oil all over the stonework. When she also directs her ire at Jo, Jake snaps at her to knock it off - but she counter-snaps that she wants the motorcycle out of the courtyard asap.

​Amanda enters her apartment, hits play on her answering machine, and listens to a message from a Dr. Sanchez. She hastily calls him back, and he tells her he fully concurs with Michael about her biopsy and that she's going to need further testing in order to assess whether or not her cancer requires further treatment.

The next day, Michael calls Amanda at her D&D office to schedule a series of follow-up tests, and she chides him for calling her at work 'cause she doesn't want any of her subordinates to get wind of her illness. He's like, "Yeah, whatevs...just be at the hospital this afternoon" and she agrees to cancel everything on her calendar.

On her way out, Amanda tells Billy she's cancelling her afternoon appointments, and he's all, "Say wuh?" and informs her that he went ahead and scheduled an important client meeting at 2pm without bothering to check with her first. She growls, "I can't make it!" and admonishes him for scheduling anything involving a client without her knowledge and/or approval.

Amanda takes one look at the CAT scan machine and tries to flee the exam room - but Michael stops her, forces her onto the stretcher, and tells her to put her big girl pants on and just take the %$#! test.

Back in the desert, Martin is holding court, telling an obviously bullshit story [he just invented for the purpose of manipulating Sydney] about how his brother (Robert) stole a car in which they both went joyriding. Robert, who was driving, crashed into a tree, assumed Martin was dead in the passenger seat, and fled the scene...and a few minutes later, a neighbor wandered over, lifted Martin out of the car with his big strong arms and carried him home [seemingly in lieu of rushing him to the hospital]. By that time, however, Robert had told his parents that he (Martin) was the one who had stolen the car and was behind the wheel when it crashed, and their father believed this fictitious version of events, which propelled a disenchanted Martin to seek love and protection from outside his biological family unit. As Sydney looks visibly moved by the nonsensical recollection, Martin waxes on about how he now has a new home and family...then shifts the subject and announces that tomorrow morning they'll begin to release the chains of their past. Rikki stares over at Martin in dreamy reverence, then informs Sydney that she's going to have to stay up all night in order to provide "tea service" to the Dear Leader. Sydney makes a seriously? face and asks her what the hell is involved in that, so Rikki first chides her for not being more grateful that Martin waived the $300 registration fee to attend this momentous retreat [a scam in itself, no doubt], then explains that Martin requires tea and nourishment throughout the night 'cause he gets so little sleep. A bemused Sydney refrains from..

• first laughing in hearty disbelief at the pompous idiocy of needing to be periodically nourished throughout the night
• asking if the tea is decaffeinated, 'cause if he makes it a habit to drink caffeinated tea it's prolly why he's not getting enough sleep
• suggesting that Martin just put a cup of tea and biscuits on his nightstand and let everyone else get a full night's rest

...and tells Rikki that she's reluctantly willing to perform this silly duty.

That evening, Amanda returns to D&D, finds Billy working late, and acts all contrite about the way she snapped at him earlier. She offers to treat him to dinner and says she could really use a friend, and he's like 'sure, why the hell not?'

Over dinner at a fancy restaurant, Amanda confesses to Billy that she hasn't been well, specifically that she was just diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. Billy contorts his normally wooden facial expression into something slightly less wooden, says that surely she can beat this, and that he'll be there for her. She emphasizes that her health status has to remain confidential, and Billy clasps her hand and assures that he'll keep her secret for as long as he's able to keep his big mouth shut. 

Sydney enters Martin's camper to bring him his first round of tea & snacks...and is stunned to find him in bed with Rikki and another female cultist. Rikki gigglingly admits to Sydney that she prolly should have told her that Martin is her husband...and when a confused Sydney asks why they don't wear wedding rings and/or live together, Martin says he's not into tradition, bloviates about how those things are "restrictions from the outside world", and says he much prefers that Rikki brand herself with a cursive M tattoo on the side of her neck, which she gaily shows off. Martin then gazes hungrily at Sydney and tells her that when she's ready to rid herself of life's impurities, she'll be full of limitless love...and Rikki and the other cultist chucklingly invite Sydney to join them in bed for the tea & snacks. A weirded out Sydney gives that a hard no and tells them that tea gives her a headache, so Martin tells her she can put the tray down and go get some sleep, creepily adding, "Go in love."

"Would you like to make our threesome a foursome?"

"No, no, and no."

Michael studies Amanda's X-rays and tells her that she definitely has Stage 3 lymphoma - but that it's highly treatable, meaning a 50% chance of full recovery. An aghast Amanda's all, "That's it?" and expresses concern about losing her hair once she starts chemo treatments, and Michael's all, "OK then, good luck with that" as he gets paged to attend to another patient. Amanda makes it clear that she's very irked about him leaving so abruptly without bothering to answer her questions, but he's like, "I don't give a shit, I have lots of other patients" and exits the exam room.

Back at the retreat, Martin is schooling his cult followers on Step One of the ladder to spiritual enlightenment: make peace with the past. As a visibly bored Sydney stares dully into space, Martin gabbles on about the need to send out positive energy...and by send out positive energy he means write a letter to family members demanding their spiritual right, aka a cash infusion. As the cultists immediately get busy writing their gimme money letters, a dismayed Sydney tells Rikki she really really wants to get back to the city, not least 'cause she has a meeting with her probation officer she can't miss. Rikki asks her if she's being prudish about the icky threesome she walked in on last night and wildly assumes she's somehow jealous about not currently getting nailed by Martin during his nightly orgies - but Sydney denies all that and explains that, like any reasonably sane person, she's simply uncomfortable about being stranded in the desert with a group of weirdos who are are obeying Martin like mindless sheep as they attempt to extract cash from their loved ones. She then gets up - just as Martin glances over concernedly and Rikki shoots him a look of mild panic.

Amanda arrives at D&D, bitchily snaps at Alison about something or other, then storms off to her office. Once she's safely out of earshot, Alison rails to Billy about how torturous it is to work for such a cunty boss...and when Billy shushes her and urges her to show Amanda some compassion, she's all 'the hell you just say?' Billy breaks his promise of confidentiality to Amanda [that didn't last 12 hours] and blabs that she has cancer...and Alison's all, "No way!" and Billy's like, "Way!" and tells her that Amanda has been leaving the office in the middle of the day 'cause she's had to go to the hospital for tests. Alison chews on that revelation for a few seconds and says that maybe she should apologize to Amanda for unwittingly antagonizing her - but Billy cautions her not to, 'cause no one's supposed to know that she's ill.

"Amanda has cancer. But keep it to yourself, 'cause she swore me to secrecy."

"Will do, blabbermouth."

While driving to work, Kimberly gets pulled over by Detective John Rawlings, who bitchily orders her out of the car, then points his gun at her as he tells her to lay face-down on the ground. Kimberly informs him that she's a doctor and suggests that maybe he's confusing her with someone else - but he snarlingly retorts that he knows exactly who she is: the person who orchestrated a physical attack on Matt. He warns that he doesn't tolerate gay bashers, and adds that if she doesn't clean up her act, he'll make her life miserable. He contorts his face into a demented expression and waves his gun in front of her face, and she stares back at him in terror and races back to her car. 

Over at the hospital, Amanda tells Michael she's been doing some research about various chemotherapy treatments and found some interesting reading about a particular drug. Michael looks condescendingly amused and chides, "Don't tell me how to do my job" - just as Kimberly arrives for her shift.

Sydney drops by Martin's camper to wank him about all the great stuff she's learned over the past couple of days, but really needs to get back to the city now 'cause she's had her fill of the weirdness that is this cult - er...I mean has an appointment to meet with her probation officer. Martin says he'd love for her to stay, but assures her she's free to leave anytime...though the school bus that transported her here won't be going anywhere for the next week. Sydney shrugs and says she'll try to hitch a ride, and Martin nods approvingly and coos, "Go in love." 

Early the next morning, Sydney waves down the first truck she sees on the road - but is all 'the fuckity fuck?' when she sees Martin behind the wheel and Rikki in the passenger seat. A male cultist appears behind her and forces her into the back of the truck while she shrieks, "Let me goooooo!"

Detective John Rawlings tells Matt he took care of his Kimberly problem in a non law abiding way, and that he's pretty sure he scared the bejeezus out of her so much that she won't be bothering him anymore. Matt looks visibly peeved as he warns him that Kimberly is full-on nuts and that he really just wanted the conflict to die down. John shrugs as he boasts, "I set her straight" and to let him know if she steps out of line again. When Matt points out that his treatment of Kimberly is tantamount to police harassment, John says he thinks of it more as a perk to the person he's protecting, and insists that he was only trying to help...but Matt just stares back at him incredulously and tells him in no uncertain terms to back the hell off.

"Your treatment of Kimberly is harassment."

"You should think of it more as a flattering perk."

Michael drops by D&D to bring Amanda a comfort teddy bear and to assure her that her cancer diagnosis isn't necessarily a death sentence. He tells her that since his goal as her doctor is to get her healthy again, she needs to trust him...and she wearily says she's A-OK with showing up at all of her appointments - as long as he's willing to bend to her schedule. He readily agrees - 'cause, sure, that's a totally realistic thing to expect of a busy doctor - and says he'll see her at the hospital tomorrow at 7am. 

Matt runs into Kimberly in the elevator and tells her he heard about her run-in with a certain corrupt police detective, quickly adding that he had nothing to do with his rough treatment of her. When Kimberly vows her revenge, Matt snaps back, "You can't afford to get too nasty, Kimmy. Police are on your tail." She kinda nods at that fair point and suggests a truce, and he tells her he'll think about it. 

The cultists transport Sydney back to the desert camp and toss her into an unground cell with the instruction to meditate - but she ignores that edict and cries, "Somebody pleeeeeease help me!!"

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