Recap: Michael arrives late for a hospital staff meeting that's being chaired by Dr. Hobbs, who's in the middle of announcing that the entire staff will be required to undergo mandatory psychological evaluations to see if any of them are anywhere near as nutty as Peter Burns turned out to be. He adds that Matt is going to be in charge of administering the tests, which prompts Kimberly to snarkishly complain that Matt is a lightweight who doesn't have the requisite qualifications to head up that task. An indignant Matt reminds her that he has degrees in clinical psychology and social work...and a visibly irked Dr. Hobbs admonishes Kimberly for demonstrating the kind of arrogance that largely made for Peter's shitty personality, and which eventually led to his self-inflicted fall from grace. Jake drops by Jo's apartment to share that he continues to feel close to her after they hit the sheets during the previous episode...and she tells him that while she's very grateful for his help, her energy is going to be spent grieving the loss of custody of her son and agonizing about how she's going to forgive herself. Jake says he can totally dig that and says he'll be around if she needs him. Back at the hospital, Kimberly grumbles to Michael that being forcibly psychologically evaluated is an unacceptable invasion of privacy. Michael breezily says he regards psychological testing as pointless "psycho babble", then mock-preps her with the following question: If you're mad at your husband, would you: a) Confront him b) Cheat on him c) Dress up as someone else and run him over (lol) He chucklingly says they should prolly skip that question, and Kimberly shoots him the stink-eye as she makes it clear that she doesn't find his ribbing at her expense, in any way, amusing. At a D&D meeting, a visibly fatigued looking Amanda tells the staff that the company is in dire straits, and that everyone's going to have to focus on giving 100% of their energy to their existing clients, while also figuring out ways to bring in new ones. Alison suggests cancelling D&D's annual charity ball and use the money to deliver a series of intense individualized campaigns for their more valuable clients - but Amanda snaps about what an ass-backwards idiotic approach that is, 'cause it might send the message to their clients that the company is so weakened from all the turmoil it just endured that they had to cancel their annual event. She decrees that the ball will go ahead as planned and makes clear that she expects the entire D&D staff to be in attendance. As the staff collectively grimaces and looks less than thrilled by the prospect, Amanda reminds them how crucial it is to put forth the illusion that D&D is an advertising force to be reckoned with.
Billy stares concernedly at Amanda, tells her she looks a lot more tired than usual, and asks her if she's OK...and she irritably tells him to shut it and get back to work. Sydney is at Martin's house with Rikki, helping the cultists assemble flyers for a mail campaign and remarking about how Martin's "Abbott Way" schtick seems very scam-like. Rikki insists that all the shit Martin is into is totally on the up and up...and a few seconds later, Martin appears, concurs with Rikki that there's nothing resembling a scam going on here, and thanks Sydney for helping with the mail campaign. As he ambles off, Rikki stares after him dreamily and coos, "He's something, isn't he?" and Sydney [somehow declines to echo my meh impression of Martin] and agrees that he is indeed something, and adds that all the cultists seem like genuinely nice people. Back at D&D, Alison tells Billy that part of her addiction recovery process is making amends to him, then formally apologizes for all of the pain and aggravation she's been causing him [mostly since the end of Season 2] and expresses her gratitude for his efforts in getting her into rehab. She says she'll always been his friend and that she loves him, and he's like, "Same" - just as Meredith unexpectedly wanders into the nearby reception area. She explains to Alison that she's in L.A. for a librarians' symposium, then sheepishly says she feels bad about the way she abandoned her when she (Alison) attempted to bring their creepy pedo dad to justice during the season premiere. Alison assures her she's A-OK with how the Melrose Place writers hastily wrapped up that icky storyline, and the two agree to meet up for dinner later. At Shooters, Sydney is earnestly telling Jake she's starting to see the wisdom of Martin's life philosophy, which seems to harp incessantly on distinguishing between the world's winners and losers. She calls the cultists her new friends and tells Jake he'd totally fit in with "the Abbott Way" - but Jake tells her he highly doubts that and urges her to be careful while among a large group of blindly loyal sheep, then makes it clear that their short-lived/ill-fated romance is officially dunzo. As Sydney processes the unexpected dumping [that frankly I thought was already fait accompli], Jo bursts in to rail about how someone put sugar in her motorcycle's fuel tank...and, as a result, wrecked her sole form of transportation. Sydney bitterly mutters, "Finally...someone around here gets what she deserves", then stomps out of the bar while Jo stares after her looking bemused and aghast. While dining out, Alison assures Meredith 1) she has nothing to forgive her for, 2) she totally understands her refusal to publicly testify against their creepy pedo dad, and 3) their focus should be on the future. Meredith wanks her about how proud of her she is that she's overcoming her booze addiction and gaining control of her life...but, at the same time, can't help but be sad about her breakup with Billy. Alison just kind of shrugs and says they prolly were never meant to be a romantic couple...and when she shifts the conversation towards her sister's prospects, Meredith glumly says there's no hope of a man anywhere on the horizon on account of their creepy pedo dad messed her up so wretchedly that she has no clue how to be with a guy. Alison breezily says she just needs an infusion of confidence, and that maybe a more flattering wardrobe is in order...and Meredith contorts her face in her usual hang-dog expression and admits that, yep, she rarely considers not dressing like a frumpy librarian everywhere she goes. While heading out for a night on the town, Sydney grumbles to Rikki about the way Jo interrupted her conversation with Jake earlier, and Rikki clucks sympathetically and recounts that Martin is always sermonizing about how people like Jo often use false events (aka a motorcycle problem) "to get false power over others". Sydney's like, "Er, OK" and says she really just wants to shake it all off and have a fun night out - just as they happen to run into Jane, who pulls Sydney aside to tell her she's extremely miffed that Rikki is wearing the black dress she (Jane) loaned to her (Sydney), which she was supposed to return long ago. Sydney says she simply forgot to give it back, then chides Jane for being petty before lapsing into her newly acquired cult-speak by adding, "I think you should take responsibility for your feelings and not dump them on me." Jane scrunches her face confusedly and makes it clear that she wants the dress back unharmed...and in response to that, Rikki marches over to her, strips off the dress, and haughtily says, while standing there in her underwear, "Why don't you just take the damn thing now?" and mocks Jane for looking so shocked that a person would have the courage to sacrifice [being fully clothed in a residential courtyard] for a friend who's "being humiliated by her so-called sister". She dramatically pronounces to Jane that Sydney doesn't need her in her life anymore 'cause she has a real family now...and then she and Sydney cackle together while they rush back up to the apartment to find something for Rikki to wear.
Kimberly drops by Matt's office to ask if he would please skip over her when he administers the psychological evaluations, then "explains" that she's been feeling so edgy lately she's worried it'll skew her results. Matt's like, "Uh, no" and reminds her that her appointment has been scheduled for 2pm. She reacts by snarlingly vowing to make his life a living hell once she's reinstated on the Social Service board - but Matt calmly replies that her threats don't work with him...and so she warns that she's about a lot more than threats, ominously adding, "You should know that by now." While meeting with the CEO of Glorious Gowns (Bob McGovern), an over-tired Amanda misquotes several of his company's sales statistics...and when Bob gets irked by her lack of focus, Alison jumps in and pitches her latest, off-the-cuff idea for an upcoming ad campaign: feature an elegant yet confident, modern princess who takes no shit from no one. Bob carries on about how much he looooooves that groundbreaking concept and tells Amanda she's surrounded by such a super great team. Once he exits the conference room and is safely out of hearing range, an enraged Amanda warns Alison to never interrupt one of her pitches again, 'cause it undermines her authority...and Alison responds by pouting and quickly storming out, leaving Billy to once again stare concernedly at Amanda and ask her what's wrong. She tells him she has a headache, but has no interest in seeing a doctor to get to the bottom of it, then snappishly tells him to mind his own damn business. Alison brings Meredith to Jane's design studio to see about metamorphosing her frumpiness into a more fashion-forward look. Jane warmly greets the two, then rushes off to wheel in a rack of dresses...but when she unveils it, she's horrified to see that someone has torn each of the garments to shreds. She cries, "Who would doooooo this?!", then pauses as if she suddenly looks as though she might have some idea. At Melrose Place, Rikki is babbling at Sydney about how Martin decrees that one can't allow oneself to be weighed down by other people's "loads", and Sydney somehow refrains from telling her to shut the fuck up already about Martin's preaching, 'cause it's relentless and irritating. [Sorry - that was me, projecting.] A few seconds later, Jane storms into the apartment to accuse a bewildered Sydney of shredding her dresses at the design studio and demands to have her spare key back. As Sydney's all 'whassup with everyone suddenly blaming me for everything?', Rikki points to her altercation with Jane as irrefutable proof that "the weak ones blame the strong", then urges Sydney to take Martin's sage advice to "just walk on by" ... and Sydney says she's definitely A-OK with never seeing Jane again. The next morning, Jo runs into Jane in the Melrose Place courtyard and offers her condolences about the shredded dresses. Jane says she's pretty sure that Sydney was the culprit...and Jo's like 'yep, that tracks' and recalls how smug Sydney looked when she learned about her wrecked motorcycle, and is going to take a short leap and assume that she had a direct hand in the damage. Matt breaks the news to Kimberly that her psychological assessment didn't go well, to say the least, and that she has several mental health deficiencies that could be dealt with by undergoing intense counselling sessions [by a team of seasoned psychiatrists working around the clock]. He then itemizes her various issues:
Matt sums up the list by concluding, "In short, you're a walking time bomb." A panicked Kimberly begs him to alter her results to something less alarming, 'cause she's pretty sure that being outed as a walking time bomb can't be good for her medical career. Matt refuses to change the results and asks her to please initial and sign the evaluation - but she says she's going to have to think long and hard about that, then saunters out of the room.
Jo returns home and quickly realizes that her apartment has been burglarized while she was out...and is particularly distressed when she sees that her camera equipment has been stolen. She races over to Shooters (where Sydney is lunching with Rikki), grabs Sydney, and accuses her of the theft and messing with her livelihood. Rikki leaps up and shoves Jo away from Sydney - just as Jake rushes over to break up the fight. When Jo tells him about Sydney's alleged thieving, he excuses Sydney from her shift...and when Rikki admonishes him for immediately taking Jo's side, he's like, "Fuck off, I don't even know you." As Sydney and Rikki stomp towards the exit, Jo angrily tells Sydney she expects her camera equipment returned, pronto. At the D&D charity ball, Amanda agrees with Bob McGovern that the confident bride idea is a great theme for his upcoming campaign, and that she'll instruct Alison to cobble together a presentation asap...before Bob once again lays it on thick about what a super impressively talented ideas person Alison is. Billy, meanwhile, ambles over to Michael and says he's pretty sure that something's physically wrong with Amanda and wonders if he wouldn't mind giving her a covert medical exam on the dance floor, and Michael's like 'sure, why the hell not?' Meredith, who has traded her usual frump-wear for a sexy red evening gown, saunters over to Billy. She coquettishly tells him she's trying her hardest to be less reserved, and then asks him to dance...and he shrugs disinterestedly, but decides 'sure, whatever'. As the two start slow dancing, Meredith overshares about how she's been keeping her sexuality locked up 'cause of her traumatic childhood, and Billy responds by grunting uncomfortably and staring awkwardly into space. Under the glare of Kimberly's stink-eye, Michael asks Amanda to dance and immediately notices that she has lumps on her neck. As he asks her what other symptoms she has, Kimberly storms over and chides him for cuckqueaning her in public, prompting Amanda to rush off. Michael blocks Kimberly's attempt to punch him in the face and says he'll deal with her later, then rushes after Amanda and says he's really just trying to help. Amanda starts to tell him to go pee up a rope - but collapses before she's able to fully get the words out. Matt is walking home when he's confronted by two shady looking hooligans who snarl, "Wrong neighborhood, queer bait." A few seconds later, they start punching and kicking Matt before fleeing the scene and leaving him laying on the ground, writhing in pain. Later that night, Rikki climbs out of bed, grabs Sydney's Shooters key, and heads over to the bar. She makes sure it's empty, then gets a demented look on her face as she starts throwing chairs around, smashes the pinball machine with a pool cue, and tears up the pool table. Over in the hospital, Matt is describing the attack to the investigating police officer, who reveals that, since he too is gay, he's well aware that the violence he just suffered was a gay hate crime. He assures Matt he'll do everything possible to solve the case. Elsewhere in the hospital, Michael gives Amanda a shot of something to help with her general state of weakness. He also prescribes bed rest - but she argues that she's too busy keeping D&D from going under, and rushes off. Billy returns to his apartment after his morning run...and shortly after he strips off his sweaty shirt, he's startled to find a naked Meredith lounging in his bed. She gazes dreamily at him while cooing in her obnoxious sounding little girl voice that she's sooooo glad he leaves his door unlocked when he goes out for his daily jog [that's seriously dumb, Billy], then coquettishly points out that they're both adults and wouldn't be hurting anyone if they hooked up [though Alison would likely beg to differ], and invites him to join her under the sheets. Billy makes it clear what a colossally horrible idea he considers that to be - just as Alison happens to drop by at that moment. As Billy tries to forcibly get Meredith to throw on some clothes, Alison appears in the doorway, processes the disturbing scene she just had the misfortune to walk in on, and glares accusingly at Billy while calling him "the lowest animal on earth". Billy explains that Meredith took it upon herself to sneak into his apartment, get naked and slip into his bed, and proposition him when he returned home from his jog...and when Alison says she's not buying that [generally believable] story, Billy grumbles that they're both nuts and sourly mumbles, "I don't even like your sister, much less want to sleep with her." Ouch. A humiliated Meredith mutters, "Oh God.." and slinks out the room shame-faced, prompting Alison to nonsensically chide Billy for the emotional damage he just inflicted on her loopy sister.
In a private room at Cult Headquarters, Rikki shows Martin the cameras she stole from Jo, and he nods approvingly, says, "Nice work", and says they can sell them once the serial numbers have all been scraped off. After that, they head into the common area, where Martin officially proclaims to the cultists, "I present Sydney Andrews. Welcome with all the light and heart you bring with you" ... and Sydney beams happily as everyone claps, hugs, and congratulates her. Back at the hospital, Matt wakes up to - ack! - the sight of Kimberly looming over him. She asks him how he's doing, tut tuts the fact that only his ribs were broken and laments, "I told them to break your arm." Matt says he knows she's not actually to blame for the attack 'cause of the gay hate crime nature of the unprovoked assault, and she responds by grinningly revealing, "You bet your butt it was. I hate you" ... and Matt stares after her in horrified bewilderment as she smugly sashays out of the room. Jane and Jo are helping Jake clean up the mess Rikki that made in Shooters the night before...and when Sydney arrives for her shift and asks whassup with all the smashed furniture everywhere, they respond by glaring accusingly at her. Jake tells her he can only assume that she's responsible for all the damage and fires her, and Jane warns that she called her probation officer to inform him about her destructive behavior. An infuriated Sydney rails about how sick and tired she is of being hurt by all of them, and storms out. A tearful Meredith confesses to Alison that she's always been jealous of her relationship with Billy, and somehow thought it wouldn't be a completely batshit-crazy idea to lose her cherry to her sister's ex-fiancé. Alison concurs that there's a whole part of her life that was never able to grow and blossom...and that maybe she should see about working through her sexual repression issues with the aid of a therapist. Meredith agrees, sheepishly apologizes, and says she hopes that Billy doesn't hate her. Alison assures her he prolly just thinks she's an emotionally stunted weirdo and implores her to not blame herself...and Meredith squeaks, "I love you" as the two hug. Michael drops by Amanda's apartment to break the news that her blood test came back, and that there's a strong indication she could have Hodgkin's lymphoma and will therefore need to undergo more testing, stat. Amanda angrily says she doesn't believe him, accuses him of medical trickery, and yells at him to get the hell out of her apartment. Michael insists that he's being totally straight with her and tells her he'll call her later, when she's less enraged - but she screams that she never wants to hear from him again and barks at him to get out. Once he's gone, she stares worriedly into space and tears up as she processes her current health scare. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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MELROSE PLACE HOMEPAGE
Recapper: Isabel K. French 
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