Melrose Place - Season 2, Episode 5

Michael's mid-divorce spaghetti hairdo, courtesy of Jane

"Of Bikes and Men"
Original airdate: 10/6/1993

Episode summary: Jake has a temper tantrum and trashes Jo's apartment. Billy whisks Alison away for a mini-vacay. Kimberly admits to Jane's lawyer that she's been having an affair with Michael.

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Recap: A grim-faced Jake is wandering around the apartment, gathering up his stuff...and when Jo wakes up and asks him whassup, he tells her he's moving out on account of how miffed he is that she clearly doesn't trust him. Jo explains that she was far too discombobulated last night to assure him she doesn't believe he'd deliberately burn his own shop down, and insists that she has plenty of faith in him. She presses herself against him in a hug, but he continues to look irritated while staring despondently into space.

Jane berates Sydney for blabbing to Michael about her date with Sam, and Sydney weakly denies spilling the beans...but then admits that, yeah, she accidentally blurted it out to Michael - who, she claims, keeps calling her and won't leave her alone. She scrunches her face in faux confusion and says she has no idea anymore what she's allowed to say or not say, and Jane just kind of rolls her eyes and says she's off to her pre-divorce deposition.

Billy drops by D&D to tell Alison that he scored an interview with a reclusive hotel magnate named John Bryant, gets a free overnight stay at the luxury property, and wants her to tag along for the next day and a half. Alison says she probably shouldn't, given that she's on thin ice with Amanda 'cause of how craptastic her work performance has been lately, but then gigglingly decides to come up with a plausible sounding disease in order to free herself up for the mini-vacay.

At the hospital, Michael canoodles Kimberly and apologizes for whatever shitty thing he said or did earlier that morning. He explains that his divorce from Jane is really getting to him, then offers to take her to dinner after his deposition. A few seconds later, Michael runs into a worried looking Matt, who tells him that Katya invited him to dinner at her place and appears to have zero gaydar, as is evidenced by how openly smitten with him she is. Michael breezily replies that surely the woman is able to sense his gayness, but Matt just stares confusedly into space and wonders aloud, "How?"

Mr. Harris [of the insurance company] is trying to talk Jake through last night's events so that he can recall whether or not he accidentally started the fire that burned his shop to the ground. Jake thinks hard for a few seconds and remembers that he turned off the blow-torch when he left for beers with Amanda, but admits that he may not have turned it off all the way. 

During the deposition, Michael blames the breakdown of his marriage on Jane's unfaithfulness with Sam...and when Jane's all, "Wuh?" and hisses at her lawyer that he's lying, he whispers back that it's all good 'cause then they'll be able to nail him for perjury. Michael claims that Jane and Sam hooked up while he spent long nights working at the hospital, and that the hanky panky continues to this day. Jane bellows that he's only accusing her of cheating to cover for his own infidelity, so then Michael contorts his face in a look of wistful sadness as he asks no one in particular how he could be expected to continue in a marriage his wife was making a mockery of by getting it on with his ex-bestie. Jane's lawyer asks him if he's been hitting the sheets with his colleague Kimberly, and Michael flatly denies doing any such thing and calls the question ridiculous. An enraged Jane bellows, "You're lying!" and storms out of the room, her lawyer rushing after her. She admits to him that, yeah, she had dinner with Sam six months ago, when he planted that unwelcome kiss on her lips - but the didn't see him again until just recently. Her lawyer chides her for not mentioning any of this to him prior to now, and sternly reminds her that she needs to come clean about everything if she expects to win this case. 

"I still clutch my pearls whenever I envision my wife being bedded by another man."

"%$#@!"

Jo is developing photos when a broody Jake returns home. He tells her he's pretty sure he didn't turn off the blow-torch all the way before he left the bike shop to have drinks with Amanda...and Jo murmurs, "Ooooh Jake.." Jake punches the doorframe while lamenting his monumental stupidity in destroying the shop. Jo coos at him to not be so upset, then points out that despite losing her 50K investment, she's barely even bothered about it. Jake gets visibly irked at the mention of the 50K she [unwisely] sunk into his ill-fated business, snarls, "I knew it would come to this", then storms over to the kitchen. He pulls open the refrigerator door, then slams it open and shut several times before knocking the poor thing over altogether. When Jo screeches, "Stoppppppp it!!!", he responds by picking up a bottle of wine and smashing it against the wall above her fireplace. Jo, who's now covered with splattered wine and surrounded by glass shards, shoots him the stinkiest stink-eye possible and hisses at him to Get. Out. 

Jake makes a beeline over to Amanda's apartment to report that his relationship with Jo is officially kaput and he would therefore like his old apartment back. Amanda perks up at that development and says his old place is still available, then reminds him that the offer for him to be the Sage Brush Beer spokesmodel for a D&D client still stands.

Amanda heads over to Jo's place to inform her that Jake asked for his old apartment back, then glances inside and looks aghast by the overturned fridge and wine bottle fragments littered everywhere. When Jo confirms that Jake caused the damage during a particularly destructive temper tantrum, a concerned Amanda asks if he also hit her - and Jo assures her he did not. Amanda tells Jo that if she'd rather Jake didn't get his old apartment back she'd totes understand, but Jo says she doesn't mind Mr. Anger Management Problem living in the complex - she just doesn't want him living in her apartment anymore.

Billy and Alison arrive at John Bryant's swanky resort...and Billy decides it's probably time to break it to Alison that she's going to have to make herself scarce during check-in, 'cause he wasn't actually supposed to bring anyone along on this business trip. Alison's all, "Wha-a-a?" and makes it clear how annoyed she is at having to hide her presence.  

Ten minutes later, Alison meets up with Billy in his suite, and is impressed by the luxuriousness of the room. The two kiss their way to the bedroom and start getting on - just as John Bryant calls to invite Billy to join him and his daughter for dinner. Billy reluctantly accepts, then promises a miffed looking Alison that he'll make it up to her by taking her out to a fancy dinner another time. 

Jane runs into Michael while grocery shopping, and she reacts by wheeling her cart in the opposite direction - but a few seconds later changes her mind and marches over to him and crashes her cart into his. She snarls at him for brazenly lying during the deposition, then asks whassup with him shopping at her favorite grocery store. He replies that he's simply playing as dirty as she is, and pretends he had no idea he could run into her here. Jane smugly assures him that her lawyer is going to nail him for perjury, then grabs a jar of pasta sauce out of his cart, opens it, and pours it all over his head [while he just stupidly stands there] before sashaying off.

Billy is dining with John Bryant and his nymphy daughter Arielle, who's flirtily telling Billy about her love of all things Brazilian...and while John is distracted when his assistant suddenly comes over, Arielle tells Billy she has her own suite and tries to hand him a key - but he's all, "Ack!" and hastily hands it back. When the assistant leaves, Billy compliments John on his yummy wine choice, and John notices that a pretty blonde woman across the restaurant - who, by scripted coincidence, is Alison - is drinking the same wine, he raises his glass to her, and remarks how sad it is to see a woman dining alone. LOL. Seriously? Alison just kind of shrugs at a bewildered looking Billy, then gets incensed when she sees Arielle putting her arm around Billy's chair. She gets up and races out of the restaurant...and when Billy notices she's gone, he excuses himself from the table and rushes out after her. Alison rails about how annoyed she is at herself for risking trouble with Amanda to go on such a lame mini-vacay...and adds that she didn't much appreciate watching Arielle grope him at the table. Billy assures her she doesn't need to worry about that tart, and once again promises to make it up to her.

"Let's all stare sympathetically at that loser who's dining alone."

"Hello! Cheers."

Matt is dining with Katya, who cluelessly asks him what he looks for in a relationship. He replies that he most prizes honesty and chemistry, then comes right out and says that his prior significant others were guys. Katya's all, "Wha-a-a? Really?", admits that she somehow assumed he's straight, then assures him she's A-OK being platonic friends. She then shares a boring secret of her own: she has a five year old daughter named Nikki, who's currently at a sleepover. 

Jake asks Jo to meet him at Shooters so he can apologize for trashing her apartment...and I couldn't help but notice that his apology didn't include him offering to pay for the damage or help clean any of it up. Jo accepts his apology - but makes it clear that she's not quite ready to brush off his scary violent temper, and reminds him that she recently divorced a violent man and has no desire to live with another. Jake gets annoyed by the entirely reasonable implication that his ragey temper might possibly extend to physical abuse and decides that she couldn't possibly love him if she believes that about him. Jo argues that she actually really does love him...then storms off, leaving Jake staring blankly into space.

Over at the swanky resort, Alison orders breakfast and wakes Billy with a kiss. She explains that she's no longer angry about being a hidden hotel guest now that she's done some reading about John Bryant and realized what a coup it was for him (Billy) to score this interview. She then adds that she's extra buoyant 'cause she thought up an entire campaign idea for the Famous Family restaurant D&D account...and Billy's all, "Hurray!", as the two start getting it on.

Jo and Jane are out bicycling and discussing their man woes. Jo says she now regrets giving Jake the impression that she was afraid he might hit her, then wryly says she gets the distinct feeling that he was looking for a way out of their relationship. [I've had that feeling ever since they first hooked up.] Jane says she's still stunned that Michael lied through his teeth during the deposition, then wonders what on earth is going to come out Kimberly's mouth tomorrow when she's scheduled to testify.

At the hospital, Michael is pressuring Kimberly to lie about their affair and says that if she's convincing enough they'll be "home free". Kimberly doesn't commit to lying and makes it clear that she's definitely not thrilled about him asking her to perjure herself.

After the interview, John Bryant compliments Billy for being so well-prepared...then says his daughter ratted him out about bringing his girlfriend along on the trip. He reminds Billy that he gave him clear instructions that he was to travel alone, then asks what gives...so Billy apologizes for the blatant sass and explains that on his meagre salary he could never afford to take the love of his life to this nice a place, and merely wanted to share the experience with her. John looks moved by the touching love story and offers him and Alison a free second night in the luxury suite.

Jake shows up at a photo shoot Jo is working to hand deliver a 35K check from the insurance company. He promises to pay her back the remaining 15K asap, but Jo urges him to keep it all and use it to invest in his new shop. Jake stonily says there's not going to be another shop, whines again about her lack of trust in him, and says he wanted her heart not her money [even though he was happy enough to take her money] - but now realizes that her heart was too beaten and broken to give to another. He sternly tells her to keep her money and not offer it to him again, then huffily walks off as Jo stares after him sadly. 

"I'm giving you your money back while removing any hope of me ever being your boyfriend again."

"Sounds like a win-win."

Alison is gabbling at Jo about the fun mini-vacay she and Billy just went on...and eventually notices that Jo is just staring morosely into space. When she asks whassup, Jo says she blew it with Jake, who has decided to move back into his old apartment. Alison looks stunned by the news, then suggests that maybe he just needs to be alone for awhile - but Jo says it's definitely over, as evidenced by the brusque way he returned her 35K and declared that he never again wants to enter into a business partnership with her. Alison flails about for something optimistic sounding to say and points out that it takes two people to make or break a relationship - but Jo insists that she solely ruined it [which is utter nonsense, given Jake's relationship-ending anger management issues], and abruptly exits the apartment.

At the deposition, Kimberly begins her testimony by denying having an affair with Michael...but when Jane's lawyer warns her about the penalty of perjuring herself and reminds her that she herself admitted the affair to Jane during the Season 1 finale, she throws in the towel on the farce and tearfully admits that, yep, she's been sleeping with Michael and that his extramarital doinking of her continues to this day.

"Could you define illicit?"

"This is going to be one long deposition."

Later at the hospital, Michael excitedly asks Kimberly how the deposition went, and she sheepishly informs him she told the truth. Michael's all, "Fuuuuuuuuuck" and angrily punches the nearest wall and asks her how she could so stupidly screw up their future. Kimberly stares at him incredulously and reminds him of how much shit she's been willing to put up with for him, and he dismissively retorts, "We'll take this up tonight" before storming out of the room.

Jake is guzzling beer with Billy in the Melrose Place courtyard, nattering about how done he is with Jo, and railing about how women like her only trust men with lots of money. Billy's like, "Yeah whatevs, I'm going home now" ... and Jake heads over to Amanda's apartment to tell her it's finally penetrated his tiny brain that he's cash poor and has no choice but to accept her offer of being the Sage Brush Beer spokesmodel. Amanda's all, "Awesome!" and invites him inside to discuss the details - but he suggests they meet at her office tomorrow. She happily chirps, "It's a date!" ... and stares after him all smitten-like as he drunkenly staggers down the stairs.

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