Melrose Place - Season 1, Episode 7

"Thanks in advance for putting me out of my misery."

"My Way"
Original airdate: 8/19/1992

Episode summary: Sandy lands a role in a horror flick and lets it go to her head. Billy introduces Alison to his parents as his girlfriend, and agrees to work in his father's furniture store.

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Recap: Sandy is auditioning for a horror flick by screaming non-stop in front of a small group of movie people seated on the couch in front of her.

Over at the Melrose complex, Billy lumbers into the kitchen and glumly tells Alison that the birdcage liner of a newspaper he was writing for just went under, which means his shittastic column is no more. Haha! A few seconds later, he gets a call from his mother, who reminds him about his father's sixty-ninth birthday bash at their Palm Springs condo this weekend, and adds that she's looking forward to meeting his new girlfriend, Alison. 

Michael is moving around furniture in the spare bedroom to make room for a crib and twists his ankle in the process. 

Billy drops by D&D to deliver a lovely bouquet of flowers to Alison and ramble incoherently about promising his parents that he'd bring a friend to his father's birthday party in Palm Springs, and has decided he wants her to be that friend. Alison's like, "That seems weird", but is too busy being the D&D switchboard girl to contemplate the invitation any deeper.

"Would you do me the honor of being my platonic plus-one at my father's birthday bash this weekend?"

"OK, but that sounds like a deliberate miscommunication in the making."

Jake stops by Shooters to ask Sandy how her audition went, and she's like, "Not well", despite being under the illusion that she has something unique and special to offer the entertainment biz. Rhonda rushes in to excitedly report that a woman from the horror flick production just called to tell her that she somehow landed the inconsequential role of blonde woman screaming, and they're all, "Hurray!"

Billy arrives in Palm Springs with Alison and tells her that since none of his siblings could make it to the birthday party, it's just going to be the two of them and his parents for the entire weekend. Alison's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and says she was led to believe that there'd be plenty of people around to take the pressure off...and Billy's like, "Uh, about having pressure on you.." and informs her that he told his parents she's his new girlfriend. As Alison quietly digests that disturbing nugget, his parents open the door to their swanky condo and happily usher them inside. 

Sandy is poring over the horror flick script, practicing her eight lines in earnest. When she snarks at Rhonda for playing her music too loud while preparing for her next cardio funk installment, a miffed looking Rhonda agrees to do her cardio funking somewhere else. 

Mama and Papa Campbell gush about how delighted they are to finally meet Alison, and tell her that Billy told them she works at a literary agency. Alison's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and pulls Billy aside to ask him why in blazes he'd tell so many brazen lies to his parents...so he explains that he needs to talk his dad out of making him become a salesman at his furniture store, and somehow figured that lying about having a cute, well employed girlfriend was the best way to go about it. Alison chides him for forcing her into this idiotically contrived charade, but agrees to go along with it for the duration of the weekend.

At dinner, Papa Campbell asks Billy if it's really reasonable for him to expect to make a living from his shittastic writing, then asks Alison for her professional opinion on the matter. She thinks back to the shitty article he wrote two episodes ago on how he was too much of a wuss to go bungee jumping with Jake and Matt, and does her best to not laugh out loud at the utter ridiculousness of Billy fancying himself a writer.

Sandy is primping for a party in the Hollywood Hills and tells Rhonda that the casting director will be by soon to pick her up and ferry her there...which seems like kind of an improbable thing for a casting director to be doing - but then I'm a recapper, not a Hollywood casting director expert. When the doorbell rings, Rhonda urges her to come into the living room and bask in the impromptu surprise! celebration, complete with balloons, courtesy of the rest of the Melrose Place residents. Sandy gets irked and tells Rhonda she'd prefer to play it cool in front of the casting director, then goes outside to wait for her to arrive. Ouch.

Papa Campbell urges Billy to think seriously about working alongside him at the furniture store, and insists that it would be a wise career move that will ensure happiness and long term financial security. He then reminds Billy he suspended his constant nagging about wanting him to be a furniture salesman for one year so he could try his hand at writing, which has not surprisingly turned out to be a fruitless endeavor. Later, Mama Campbell assures Alison that it's totes cool with her that she and Billy are living together out of wedlock, then bids her good night. Alison retires to the guest room and grumbles at Billy for having to sleep in the same bed with him, but he says he's too bummed out about breaking his dad's heart to make any kind of sex play on her this episode. 

Sandy is giggling drunkenly when she returns home after the Hollywood Hills party...and Jake hears her giggling and stands sexily in his doorway and stares at her. She shoots him a smug half smile and admonishes him for not believing that she'd "make it", and Jake tries hard to not laugh at her over-inflated ego and suggests they indulge in a flirty midnight swim. Sandy declines while cackling, "You haaaad yo chance", then staggers up to her apartment.

"How 'bout a naked romp in the pool?"

"I'm fah too big of a stah to be slummin' it with the lahks of you anymoh."

Billy gets dressed up in a suit and tie to go to work in his father's furniture store. He tells Alison he's only doing this 'cause he doesn't have the heart to disappoint his father...and she's like, "OK, whatever" and wishes him luck.

When Billy does a lackluster job of trying to sell some ghastly chintz bedecked furniture to a married couple, his clueless dad nods approvingly and gushes about what a gifted furniture salesman he is. LOL.

Jane comes home to find Michael cooking a healthy dinner for the two of them - but a few seconds later he gets so flustered by the task that he drops the food all over the floor and scalds a hand in the process. This surgeon-in-training sure got very clumsy all of a sudden.

Billy returns home after a long day peddling his father's wares at the furniture store and stares miserably into space.

Sandy is practicing her lines with a bored looking Rhonda...and things quickly get testy between them when Sandy accuses Rhonda of being bitchy. Rhonda snaps back that she's been acting all full of herself since landing a minuscule role in a cheap horror flick, and Sandy haughtily accuses her of being jealous that her dreams of stardom never came true. She announces that she heard about a great new housing situation in the Hollywood Hills and will be moving out of Melrose Place asap. Yippee!!

Lights, camera, action! Sandy screams long and hard into the camera, but after yelling, "Cut!", the director decides she'd like to spice things up by getting the actor who plays the knife-wielding killer to slowly cut open Sandy's belly baring blouse, button by button. Sandy overhears this and tells the director she'd prefer to not get exploited this way - but the director reminds her that vapid blondes in L.A. are a dime a dozen, and that if she objects to having her naughties bared on camera, she can be recast in a New York minute.    

"If you cause me a moment's trouble, there's a long line of vapid blondes who'd welcome the chance to be exploited on film."

"I thaaaht I was special."

Sandy packs up her stuff and tells Rhonda she's upgrading her living situation to the Hollywood Hills.

Back at the furniture store, Billy helps a difficult customer - the actress who played Jerry Seinfeld's mom! - who complains about how everything in the store is overpriced. Billy gets fed up and growls at her to get the hell out if she doesn't like it...and when his irked father orders him to run after Mama Seinfeld and apologize, he refuses and storms out of the store. 

Jake asks Sandy where she's off to, and she tells him she needs a new start...then scrunches her face sadly and whimpers, "I'm goin' nowhere fast." No argument there. She tells him her horror movie role turned into more of a soft porn flick situation, so she decided to not allow herself to be exploited on camera. She says that right now she needs a new life, new cast mates, and to find out who the hell she really is beneath her obnoxious sex kitten-laced southern belle facade.

Billy drops by the D&D reception desk to announce to Alison that he can't be a furniture salesman anymore...and Alison's like, "I can't really give a shit about that right now" 'cause she's too busy answering the endless stream of incoming D&D calls.

Jane is cooking Michael dinner while he lays around and recovers from his various injuries. He tells her he's worried about a third person coming into their lives...but she assures him that he'll be an amaaaaazing father, and then the two get into some heavy smooching action. I can't help but wonder why the writers didn't opt to leave this pointless "subplot" on the cutting room floor.

Sandy sheepishly returns to her Melrose Place apartment and admits to Rhonda that there never was an upgraded housing option in the Hollywood Hills. The two quickly sort through their differences, then spend the evening unpacking Sandy's things and pigging out on junk food. Soak it up, ladies.

"I've decided to stay until the writers run out of ideas for my character and then unceremoniously dump me from the show."

"Mmm hmm...I hear that."

Billy returns to the furniture store to talk things out with his father. He says he really really hates being a salesman and needs to make his own ill-fated career decisions...and his father decides he's A-OK with that, and the two hug it out.

Billy returns home and finds Alison barbecuing in the courtyard. He thanks her for all of her support this episode, then promises to eventually break the news to his parents that they're not actually girlfriend and boyfriend. In the next breath, he tells her he accepted an invitation from his parents for the four of them to spend an upcoming weekend on a houseboat, and Alison's all, "You did what?!" and snipes at him while the camera pans out and eventually fades to black. 

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