Melrose Place - Season 1, Episode 29

"After much soul searching, I've decided I'm totally at peace with contributing to the destruction of your marriage."

"Pas de Trois"
Original airdate: 4/21/1993

Episode summary: Alison is aghast when she witnesses Michael and Kimberly kissing in the hospital parking lot.

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Recap: Jake and Jo go over the books for Jake's Bikes and are somehow shocked to discover that the shop owes $8,000 in taxes. Jake freaks out and says that that's pretty much all the cash they have to keep the shop going, then laments his stupid decision to not hire a real accountant. Jo snappishly tells him to go hire an accountant if he doesn't trust her bookkeeping skills, then insists he'd still owe the IRS $8,000 - plus whatever it costs to hire a professional accountant. Jake moans that they're in real trouble, and Jo's like, "Whatever, jerkwad. Do your own books!" and angrily storms out of his apartment.

Over at D&D, Lucy summons Alison and Amanda to her office to giddily announce her engagement to Irving Marshall Jr., a rich dork who she claims is phenomenal in the sack. Amanda cackles and says that she too had some multi-orgasmic action with her last boyfriend, Billy...and after seeing the kind of stamina he had, moved him right into her apartment. Alison makes a blech face as Amanda cheerily advises Lucy to cling onto her rich, well hung fiance for dear life and not let a man like that get away...and Lucy's like, "Can do!" and invites Amanda and Alison to attend her fancy engagement party tomorrow tonight.

"If I had a nickel for every orgasm Billy gave me, I'd be a rich woman!"

"I'd be grossed out by that TMI if I weren't so deliriously happy about my personal circumstances."

Michael is holding court with a group of doctors when he gets distracted by the sight of Kimberly standing in front of the water fountain, a few feet away. He excuses himself and wanders over to her, and the two step inside the nearest elevator so they can stare hungrily at each other. Michael hits the emergency button (as does every fictional man character on TV who has an uncontrollable need for urgent sex whenever he's in a multi-story building), and the two strip off their clothes and start getting it on.

Alison rails to Billy about how Amanda always treats her like a country bumpkin, and Billy's like, "But you are a bumpkin" and points out that some men find her brand of wide-eyed naivete a huge turn-on.

Jake asks Jo to explain some of the more complex tax stuff to him, but she bitchily refuses and tells him to figure it out himself...which seems completely nonsensical, 'cause doesn't she have 50K of her personal funds invested in Jake's Bikes?

Billy drops by D&D to asks Amanda whassup with her unrelenting bitchitude toward Alison, who then comes home and complains about it to him every night. Amanda denies denigrating Alison in any way...then says if anything she's been propping her up 'cause of how brain dead, distracted, and disorganized she's been ever since re-breaking up with Keith and fleeing Seattle. Billy mulls over that possibility - just as he spots a framed photo of himself and Amanda on her desk and asks whassup with her displaying that romantic keepsake. Amanda sheepishly admits that she's found it difficult to let go of their relationship, then promises to be more sensitive to Alison - despite it being a daily chore to supervise such an incompetent halfwit.

Alison is at the hospital for a followup appointment for her fibroid removal surgery. On her way out, she glances across the parking lot and spots Michael smooching Kimberly between two cars in the parking lot. Michael notices her staring over at them with an aghast expression, and responds by staring back at her all defiant-like while continuing to make out with Kimberly.

That evening, Alison spies on Michael from her living room window...and when she sees him head down to the laundry room, she suddenly decides she needs to do a load of laundry. Michael lets out a fuuuuuuuck groan when he sees Alison enter the laundry room and says there's no way they're discussing what she saw earlier...and by saw, he claims that what she stumbled upon in the parking lot was him simply comforting Kimberly after a patient flat-lined on her. Alison stares at him incredulously and asks how in blazes he could do this to Jane, and he throws in the towel on pretending that his make-out session with Kimberly was anything other than adultery, and smugly reminds Alison that not so long ago she was the other woman when she first dated Keith. He tells her not to tell Jane what she witnessed - otherwise she'll be responsible for wrecking two marriages...then schools her on the innate horniness of males, who have a hard time resisting sexual temptation and, from time to time, like a little variety in the sack.

"I may have just fallen off the turnip truck, but I know an adulterer when I see one."

"It's a totally normal thing for doctors to make out with each other after a hard day in the ER...and also for men to cheat on their wives in order to keep things interesting."

Jane is at the design studio, barking at her minions to stop fucking around and sew the bikinis in her new swimwear line with the correct thread 'cause there's a buyer coming in tomorrow, which is putting her under enormous pressure. Kay Beacon watches the freakout from a few feet away and tells Jane that while she's impressed by her bitchy treatment of her underlings, she suggests chilling the fuck out and maybe see if her husband is free for lunch.   

Jane heads over to the hospital and asks the receptionist to summon Michael, but is told that he signed himself out to go dine at a nearby restaurant.

Over lunch, Michael coos to Kimberly about how attracted to her he is - and Kimberly's like, "Holy shit!" when she sees Jane enter the restaurant and speak to the hostess, who directs her over to their table. Michael covertly tells Kimberly, "I got this" and explains to Jane that he and Kimberly are having lunch to celebrate their successful surgeries. Jane easily buys that lie and starts nattering about how busy she's been with the launch of her new swimwear line...and Kimberly says she just remembered she has to go back to work now, tells Jane she's welcome to eat her shrimp salad, and beats a hasty retreat. Once she's fully out of hearing range, Jane tells Michael she gets the impression that Kimberly doesn't have much of a life, and Michael mumbles in agreement.

At the engagement party, Lucy introduces Alison and Billy to her dorky fiance - just as Amanda makes a grand entrance in a sexy sleeveless number. She asks Alison whassup with her inviting Billy, so Alison says she dragged him along 'cause he had nothing better to do this evening. Amanda perks up at that and asks Billy to dance, and he's like 'sure, what mixed messages could possibly arise from that?' and follows Amanda onto the dance floor.

Lucy asks Alison why Amanda still refers to Billy as her boyfriend...and when Alison shrugs and is all, "I dunno", Lucy clucks knowingly and says she always suspected that a man was at the root of her conflict with Amanda.

Amanda tells Billy she misses him, and that she sees in his eyes how much he misses her too and assumes that he's deeply unhappy living in his shitty Melrose Place apartment. When Billy just stares dumbly into space, Amanda asks if they can remain friends, and he's like, "Uh, sure" ... and Amanda leans in for a kiss - just as Alison appears, stares at them incredulously, and mutters, "God...what's happening to meeeeee?!" LOL.

Alison later admits to Billy that the sight of him kissing Amanda made her physically sick, and that she's somehow equating the kiss to her discovery that Michael is cheating on Jane. Billy's all, "Michael is cheating on Jane?!" then assures her that he's not the kind of guy who falls into bed with a woman he doesn't love. He also points out that he's never acted on the temptation to doink her [her meaning Alison] and Alison gets flustered by that admission and scurries off to bed.

Kimberly tells Michael she laid awake all night thinking about how her shitty behavior is affecting an unwitting Jane. Michael grunts dismissively and says that since he's compartmentalizing the various components of his life, he's able to pronounce - with a straight face and a clear conscience - that their affair has absolutely nothing to do with his marriage. 

Alison tells Amanda that the mind games she's playing regarding her and Billy aren't going to work - but Amanda's like, "Sure they will" and says she's fairly confident she can easily lure Billy back to her any time she wants. Alison insists she's wrong about that 'cause of how special Billy is - bwahaha! - and Amanda chuckles, then mockingly says it almost sounds like she's in love with the dolt.

That evening, Alison steals covert glances at Billy, who's doing some writing on the computer, shirtless. A few seconds later he decides to take a break from his writing and tells Alison he's off to Shooters.

At Shooters, Billy seats himself next to Michael and starts nattering about how much Amanda still wants him, then wonders aloud if he should just throw all caution and good sense to the wind and satisfy his carnal needs and worry about the consequences later. Subtle, Billy. Michael rolls his eyes and advises Billy to just go for it...and Billy says he definitely would if he weren't so worried about other people finding out and getting hurt. Michael glares at him, says it's painfully obvious that Alison gossiped to him about what she saw in the hospital parking lot, and bitchily reminds him that they're fellow tenants not friends. He snarks at Billy to stay out of his personal bidness, then storms out of the bar.

"How would you advise a man who's struggling with a penis that wants to do all the decision making?"

"To just nail Amanda already."

Alison is complaining to Jo about how complicated her life has gotten ever since returning from Seattle, then rails about how aggressive Amanda is when it comes to her lust for Billy. Jo grins and says she thinks that she (Alison) and Billy would make a great couple...and Alison's like, "Me too!" and says she's heading back down to her apartment to interact with Billy in more of a spontaneous, in-your-face sexy kind of way than she's been doing up until now.

Alison returns home just as Billy is listening to yet another answering machine message from Amanda, who's moaning about desperately she wants him to drop by her lonely apartment. He tells Alison he's going out, then rushes out.

Jo drops by Jake's apartment, hands him the finished tax return for Jake's Bikes, and smugly says she [fraudulently] "juggled the numbers" to the point that he no longer owes the IRS any money. When Jake expresses concern about being audited and getting into hot water with the IRS, Jo breezily says that everyone cheats on their taxes...then urges him to just shut up and sign the papers, drop them in the mail, and move on with his life.

Amanda is delighted when Billy comes over and tells him that ever since he moved out, she's been missing having someone around to share her feelings with. She hugs and kisses him, then invites him to accompany her to the bedroom...and he mulls over that possibility while staring vacantly into space.

A S.W.A.T. team descends onto Melrose Place and surrounds Jake's apartment, demanding that he come out with his hands up and face the serious charge of submitting a falsified tax return. Jake wakes up in a cold sweat beside Jo and tells her they still have time to avoid committing tax fraud.

Billy returns home to report to Alison that despite running over to Amanda's place for a quickie, he opted to not hit the sheets with her. Alison says she's skeptical 'bout that, given how sexy Amanda is and how horny men can be - and Billy gets annoyed that she doesn't believe him and storms out of her room.

Jake and Jo stake out the mailbox until the mailman comes for his morning pickup. They appeal to him to give them back the tax returns that they dropped in the mailbox the night before 'cause they're afraid of getting into trouble with the IRS...and the mailman's like 'sure, I'll indulge you at the risk of losing my job' and agrees to hand over the envelopes if they can present some photo ID. Jake and Jo breathe a huge sigh of relief, but then wonder aloud how on earth they're going to come up with $8,000...and this really seems like a subplot that maybe should have ended up on the editing room floor.

Jane calls the hospital and asks to speak with Michael, but is told he has the day off. She's all, "Day off..?" while scrunching her face confusedly.

Michael is lounging on the beach with Kimberly, who natters about how tortured she's been deciding how eager she is to leap head first into a torrid affair with a married douchebag. She then happily announces that she's totes fine with them continuing to hook up with no commitment or strings attached, and Michael lets out a delighted woot and sexily mounts her atop the beach blanket.

"I can offer you guiltless sex without any semblance of a commitment."

"I fully accept these terms."

Amanda asks Alison how exhausted Billy was after last night's romp, and Alison says she's choosing to believe Billy, who insisted that there was no penetration. Amanda chuckles and says it stands to reason that Billy wouldn't tell her the truth about their 'on the down-low' relationship, and Alison says she has faith in Billy, and that what they share is far more substantive than a mindless doinkfest.

Jane waits up for Michael, who returns home from the beach, pretend exhausted about what a busy day he just had at the hospital. He asks Jane to open a bottle of wine, then heads straight to the shower...and a suspicious looking Jane searches his pockets, then discovers sand in his sneakers, which she turns upside down so that the sand dramatically spills onto the floor, making a mess for herself to sweep up.

Alison apologizes to Billy for doubting him about not hooking up with Amanda, and admits that she's been far too timid about going after what she wants...and by wants, she means make a clear pass at him. The two smooch for several long seconds before Alison pulls her lips away and says good night, leaving Billy staring hornily into space.

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