Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 9, Episode 24

"Cheer up, Steve. Eventually the writers will tire of giving us one absurdly clownish storyline after another."

"Dog's Best Friend"
Original airdate: 5/5/1999

Episode summary: Dylan has a one night stand in Vegas, which results in yet another argument between him and Gina. Noah is relieved when his late father is vindicated in a class action lawsuit. Kelly is assaulted in an alley.

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Recap: Gina is on the After Dark dance floor, seductively rubbing up against various men in an attempt to make Dylan jealous. When that fails to do anything, she comes up behind David, who's sitting at the bar with Dylan, and gives him a from-behind canoodle and pulls him onto the dance floor. She seductively rubs up against him - until David wryly informs her that Dylan isn't even looking in their general direction...and she lets out a frustrated yelp and storms off the dance floor. She stomps outside and sits on the hood of Dylan's Thunderbird...and when David rushes out after her to see whassup, she natters at him about how the car was a gift to Dylan from Kelly, and then starts pounding on the hood. David offers to give her a ride home...and she softly caresses his face and remarks on how fucked up it is that idiotic girls such as herself never go for the nice guys. She gives him a smooch, then giggles and admits she's drunk...but suddenly gets angry and accuses him of feeling sorry for her, and storms back into the club. That girl is one deeply troubled head-case.

The Walsh house. Matt is in the kitchen eating breakfast when Noah enters the room. Matt tells him they need to talk, then gives him an environmental impact report that was commissioned by Hunter Oil & Chemical. Noah barks, "Talk to my lawyer!" so Matt patiently explains to the dimwit that this lawsuit isn't about him, it's about big companies who shamelessly put toxins into water supplies that end up poisoning innocent people. This fails to penetrate Noah's thick skull, and he glares at Matt and barks, "How much are you making on this?!" then accuses him of dragging his father's name through the mud. He admits that the man was a lousy father, but denies that he'd ever knowingly hurt anyone. Matt urges him again to read the report, then exits the room.

The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are meeting with a couple who used the online match-making service the Beat is now providing to the loveless...which seems like an odd thing for a tabloid newspaper to be dabbling in, but OK. The lovebirds gabble about how happy they are to have found each other, blah blah. After they scamper off, Janet worries that this match-making service is selling false hope - but Steve disagrees and points out that they've had great successes, then announces that he's stepping out to get a bagel. Janet makes a beeline over to the computer, logs onto the match-making website, and creates an online profile for herself while grinning devilishly. OK...I don't even know where to begin with the nonsensical inanity of this scene, or what in the bloody hell the writers have been doing with these two characters throughout Season 9...so I'm just going to lay out a bunch questions I know I'm never going to get the answers to:

• Is the Beat suddenly a part time match-making service? If yes, why does Janet feel they're giving false hope when they just finished interviewing a satisfied couple?
• Hasn't it been established that Steve and Janet are officially a couple? If no, is Janet signing herself up for the love-match service because she's looking to upgrade from Steve? 
• Have the writers come to hate the sight of Steve and Janet? If yes, then please give them a respectable send-off from the show instead of torturing these actors with one cartoonishly stupid, self-contained storyline after another.

Matt's office. Gina tells Matt that the Environmental Protection Agency left a message to call him back, then said they're going to fax over some guidelines and whatnot. She then winces and touches her cheek with the palm of her hand and murmurs that she has a toothache. Kelly, who's lurking around the office for no real reason, says she knows a very good dentist and can offer to recommend her as a friend. Gina snaps, "We're not friends!" and Kelly says she's under no illusion that they're friends and says she's merely offering to recommend her to Mel as a friend.

Now Wear This. Wayne drops by to say hey to Donna, and she tells him that since they're done with her men's line project she shouldn't see him anymore 'cause she's moving in with Noah...even though she's not entirely sure it's what she wants. Wayne cautions her against making this life decision and says she wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons. As he exits the store, Donna stares after him contemplatively.

The Peach Pit. Noah meets with Adam, his dad's former colleague at Hunter Oil & Chemical. Noah is disgusted by the report that Matt told him to read, 'cause it proves that the company executives knew that dangerous toxins would seep into the ground and make people sick. Adam's like, "Well d'yuh. That's one of the reasons your father killed himself."

Dylan and David take a trip to Vegas, and are hanging out in the hotel bar. They're pleasantly surprised when a group of pretty women sitting at a nearby table sends them free beers. David checks his phone messages and tells Dylan there are a bunch of hang-up calls which were probably Gina, and Dylan shrugs and says he hasn't talked to her since their most recent argument. He remarks that he doesn't think he can be friends with her 'cause they were never platonic the way he was with Kelly, and David gets irked at him for always invoking Kelly in the conversation. Dylan's like, "Whatever" and suggests that they go thank the ladies who gave them free beers, then gets up and slouches over to their table. 

Restaurant. Janet meets up with her computer generated love-match. They both admit they're committed to other people, but agree that perhaps there is such a thing as being matched with "the perfect person".

Mel repairs Gina's broken filling, then tells her she's lost an alarming amount of enamel on her teeth and solemnly asks her how long she's been bulimic. Gina ignores the question and pulls out her check book to pay the bill - but Mel warns her that if she continues upchucking her meals she could end up with serious health problems and/or drop dead at any moment. Gina wearily jokes about what a relief that would be. No argument here.

Vegas. David knocks on Dylan's hotel room door and is surprised when a woman answers. Dylan emerges from the bathroom, kisses the woman, and introduces her to David as Mary. When she steps out of the room, Dylan tells David that he and Mary are going hiking this afternoon, and that he told her he frequently travels to Vegas on business. He wants David to back up that fib.  

The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet he tried calling her last night, then looks hurt when she tells him she went out with someone she met through their online dating service. She says that her date was "by the numbers perfect" but boring as hell, so she's decided she has no interest in dating a male version of herself. She then gives him a quick hug and steps out of the newsroom...and Steve's like, "Turnabout is fair play!" and rushes over to the computer and creates a profile for himself on the dating website. OMFG.

Matt's office. Gina leaves a few more hang-up calls for Dylan just before Kelly enters the office and tries to apologize to her again for the Mexico doink. Gina bitchily refuses to accept her apology and just snarks about her sluttiness, so Kelly suggests they "rethink the roommate situation". Amen to that. Gina says she's not up to doing any house hunting...and somehow Kelly refrains from reminding the self-absorbed tart that the beach house was her home first, and that if she wants to continue living there, she's going to have to commit herself to acting far less cunty toward her roommates and maybe not write descriptors like SLUT on the bathroom mirror. Kelly says she's genuinely sorry for her crime of hooking up with Dylan, and that she can accept her apology or not. After she flounces out, Gina binges on a delicious looking piece of pastry.
 
The Peach Pit. Noah pesters Donna for the hundredth fucking time this season to go house hunting with him...and she babbles at him again about how it's such a big deal, and that he's pressuring her to move in with him for all the wrong reasons. Noah hands her the information about the listing and says he's leaving it up to her to call the realtor. Or not.

Vegas. Dylan is packing up to head back to L.A. when Mary drops by his hotel room to say goodbye. She earnestly asks him if he'll call regarding his return trip to Vegas, and he's like, "Uh...sure."

Matt's office. Noah informs Matt that he read the report that Hunter Oil & Chemical commissioned and says, "Let it come out in court." He then hands over a bunch of documents he found in his dad's office and says he's totes on board with getting to the bottom of all the water poisoning accusations.

The Beverly Beat. Donna drops by and gabbles at Steve about how she's only ever been with David and Noah. Steve's like, "Yeah, that's nice" and logs onto the computer and learns that his perfect match is a pretty blonde woman. He calls her to set up a date and talks to her in a really creepy phone voice while he's doing that...and Donna calls Wayne and tells him she wants to see him asap.

Casa David. David scolds Dylan for leading Mary on and says he's generally dismayed by how little he seems to care about the shitty way he treats people. Dylan shrugs and says it was just a one night stand, and that he'd be fine with never seeing Mary again. David snarks about how he just blew off the great thing he had going with Gina - LOL - and Dylan glares at him and accuses him of being interested in Gina, then slouches out the door while muttering, "I don't wanna live with a hall monitor." A few seconds later, Mary calls and tells David she just happens to be in L.A. and would love to see Dylan, and David's like, "What a great idea!" and gives her the address. Hee!

Matt's office. Noah and Matt are going through Papa Hunter's papers when Noah finds a memo that looks to be important to the case. Donna drops by during this scene to tell Noah that she doesn't want to move in with him. Good. Don't. Shut up and continue to live at the beach house.

After Dark. Steve is waiting at the bar to meet his computer generated love-match when Janet shows up unexpectedly and tells him that her plans with her mother fell through. The pretty blonde woman approaches Steve a few seconds later...and when Janet gets angry at Steve for doing exactly what she did to him a few scenes earlier, he cries, "I was curious!"

Beach house. Gina is scarfing down some pasta salad...but when Kelly arrives home, she dumps the food in the trash can. Kelly's like, "I was going to eat that!" then tells her she talked to Mel, who wanted her to pass along the business card for a doctor who specializes in treating bulimia. Doesn't this violate dentist-patient confidentiality, assuming there is such a thing? Kelly tells Gina she knows first hand about eating disorders ever since she keeled over after taking one too many diet pills in the Perfectly Perfect episode. Gina denies she has an eating disorder, and that a lot of female figure skaters did some weird shit to lose weight. Kelly says that often an eating disorder is about controlling pain, and Gina once again throws it in her face that she doinked Dylan in Mexico. Kelly reminds her that she's apologized for that numerous times, and isn't going to keep repeating herself the way Noah and Donna keep having the same fucking conversation about house hunting and moving in together/not moving in together.

The Walsh house. Noah shows Adam the memo he found in his dad's files. It was a written order by Papa Hunter, instructing Adam to stop the 'toxins seeping into the ground' project asap because it was going to result in poisoning people. Noah then blames Adam for selling his dad out and going ahead with the project and blaming him for the terrible outcome. He then gets all in Adam's face and snarls, "A dead man can't speak for himself!"

Restaurant. Donna is out with Wayne, gabbling about how great it is to date a bunch of different people and see who best suits your fancy. Donna then decides that if fate has decreed she is meant to be with Noah, then no amount of recreational doinking with Wayne could ever change that. Interesting perspective.

Casa David. Gina drops by and tells Dylan she just happened to be driving past his place, and he says he's A-OK with that and gives her a hug. As that's happening, Mary suddenly appears and goes, "Uh, hi" and Gina correctly assumes that she and Dylan recently bumped uglies, and snarks that he's "the scum of the earth". As she storms off, she angrily reminds Dylan that they haven't even been broken up a week. Has it really been that long? Mary just stands there awkwardly until she finally gets a clue and leaves.

Dylan admonishes David for giving Mary his address, then accuses him again of wanting to hook up with Gina. David heads outside while sarcastically admitting that, yeah, he does want Gina, so Dylan bellows, "Take her!! You hear me?!" then looks sheepish when he sees Gina standing outside. She glares at him and quietly says, "Yeah, he heard you."

The Beverly Beat. Steve apologizes to Janet for trying to hook up with the pretty blonde woman, then proposes they dump the online match-making service and just stick to fake news reporting. 

The Walsh house. Matt is on the phone, telling whoever he's talking to that he'll draw up a settlement agreement in the morning. After the call, he tells Noah that it looks like Hunter Oil & Chemical wants to settle out of court, and that Papa Hunter will be vindicated of any wrongdoing. Noah's all, "Woo hoo!"

Beach house. Dylan drops by to apologize to Gina for what he bellowed at David earlier, and she tells him how demoralizing it is for him to talk about passing her around to his friends like an old sock. Dylan acknowledges that he's terrible, repugnant, soulless shell of a person for her to be dating, and she's like, "Yep, bye" and closes the door on him. She then goes into the bathroom and kneels in front of the toilet, carefully pulls her pretty hair over her shoulders, and vomits. Ick ick ick.

Now Wear This. Donna natters at Wayne about how confuuuuuused she is about who she has stronger feelings for: him or Noah. Wayne's like, "You stress way too much" but then chuckles about how cute she looks doing it. Well, yes...because not only is Donna the world's most stunningly beautiful cherub, she is adorable even when hopelessly confused about which man she's contemplating hitting the sheets with next.

Kelly is driving her BMW when she gets a call from Dylan. He tells her he's at a bar, about to snort some heroin, and needs her to talk him off the ledge. She asks him the address and promises to be there soon. A few minutes later, she arrives in a quiet, sketchy looking neighbourhood. As she ambles along the street, the camera pans down to the sidewalk...and we see the footage of a strange man's shoes while he creepily pursues her. A few seconds later, he grabs her and pulls her into an alley, knocks her onto the ground, and punches her. He then pulls out a knife, snarls at her to not give him a reason to kill her, and barks, "Shut up, you blonde bitch!" He sneers that she's going to enjoy this as much as he will...and then the screen ominously fades to black.

​Noooooo!!!

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