Recap: At the Peach Pit, Steve is reading the latest issue of the Global Enquirer with the headline 'Y2K, We're All Going to Die' - LOL - and assuring Janet, David, Gina, and Dylan that Y2K is nothing to worry about, and that entering a new millennium will be like any other New Year's. David tries to plant some doubt in Steve's pea-brain by reminding him about all the doomsday predictions out there, and Dylan gets in on that action and says that the banking system is likely to collapse on January 1 'cause bank software won't be able to make heads or tails of the number 2000. Dylan then stands up, pretends to ponder the looming disaster that is Y2K, and announces that he's going to start stockpiling food and supplies. As he and Gina leave the diner, softly giggling to each other, Steve stares into space with a concerned look etched on his face.
Kelly and Matt are babysitting Erin, who they've just put to bed. The two return to the living room, where they start canoodling, kissing, and stripping off their clothes...and somehow a video camera that's placed on one of the shelves is turned on and filming what will soon become the blandest accidental porn that's ever been recorded on prime-time television: The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape.
Now Wear This. Donna is sketching menswear fashions while ogling a dumb looking blonde guy who's sitting at a table in the courtyard. Kelly notices her checking the guy out and urges her to go talk to him...so Donna summons the courage to walk towards him, but then loses her nerve and rushes over to the magazine rack and pretends to be engrossed in the latest issue of a knitting magazine. She finally approaches the dumb looking blonde guy and introduces herself as a clothing designer and asks him if he'd be interested in being a fitting model for her new men's line. He introduces himself as Wayne and says he has to get going, but writes down his phone number and tells her to give him a call.
Matt and Dylan have teamed up on a class action lawsuit involved various companies that are accused of contaminating drinking water. This is pretty lofty legal work for someone who couldn't bring himself to draw up a pre-nup. Matt reads over one of the documents and solemnly informs Dylan that one of the companies named in the suit is Hunter Oil & Chemical. Oh no!
David and Erin are at Mel's/Jackie's condo playing cards. She accuses him of cheating, then pulls down the nanny-cam so she can prove it...and while she's doing that, David gets a call from Katie and saunters out of the room with his phone. Erin ejects the videotape from the machine, then places it in the packaging for There's Something About Mary in order to generate the maximum amount of contrived mayhem that will ensue from The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape falling into the wrong hands. Katie, meanwhile, is telling David that she's insanely horny and wants to doink him asap, and David tells her he's definitely into her nympho action.
After Dark. Matt and Dylan drop by Noah's office to inform Noah that they're filing a lawsuit against several companies that illegally dumped toxic chemicals into a public water supply...and that one of those companies is Hunter Oil & Chemical. Noah says he no longer has anything to do with his family's company, but Matt tells him he's still going to need any of his father's business files he may have access to. Noah's all, "Wha-a?" then gets annoyed when Dylan chimes in to smugly inform him that he's covering the legal expenses for the plaintiffs.
The Walsh house. As Steve natters about Y2K, Janet is busy booking their first vacation as a couple to Hawaii. Steve panics about the upcoming power grid meltdown and thinks they need to prepare themselves with a supply of dried goods, batteries, and a generator. Janet, on the other hand, doesn't feel the need to panic and refuses to indulge in any needless stockpiling.
Matt is in Noah's room pretending to look for the CDs he loaned to Noah but never got back. Noah finds him snooping in his drawers and yells at him to get out, so Matt tells him he's so law savvy that he can get access to any of Papa Hunter's company documents he wants, then smugly adds, "It's called discovery" as he swaggers out of the room. What a dipshit.
Casa David. Gina and Dylan have borrowed There's Something About Mary from David and put the videotape into the VCR. When Gina sees that the tape is a recording of Kelly and Matt getting it on, she's all, "Wha-a?" and starts laughing at the snorefest that is watching this chemistry-free couple have sex. Dylan comes over to see what she's laughing at, but finds no humor in watching his soulmate get doinked by another man. He presses stop, then ejects the tape from the VCR. Gina protests and laughingly says she was watching that - ew - but an enraged Dylan growls, "No.."
The Peach Pit. Gina jokes to Dylan that Kelly and Matt, who are canoodling at a nearby table, should get into the porn business, but Dylan just glowers and snaps at her to drop it. Kelly and Matt amble over, and Matt says something to Dylan about them needing to get together later to discuss the results of the contaminated water tests. Dylan grimaces and says, "Fine." Gina says that Dylan is moodier than usual today, then explains that they rented a movie last night and have been arguing about whether it's a romance or the most boring sex tape that's ever been unwittingly circulated among a tight-knit clique. Dylan just glares at Gina and announces he's outa here.
Restaurant. Donna is intrigued to learn that Wayne is a professional volleyball player...and she tells him he has the perfect physique to model for her new men's line. As the two banter flirtily, Wayne tells her he has a big secret to reveal...which is that he doesn't currently have a girlfriend. With that dumb looking face, I'm not surprised. Donna giggles in reply 'cause she's twenty-five going on thirteen.
Katie drops by Casa David earlier than expected...and she's so crazy horny that she wants David to bone her immediately, if not sooner. The two start smooching intensely and stumble over to his bedroom.
The Beverly Beat. Steve has gone out and purchased seven cases of Smeat (the show's equivalent to Spam), so that when the Y2K food shortage hits L.A., he can sell it to the starving masses at a huge markup. Janet doesn't want to talk about Smeat and asks him where they stand on their first vacation to Hawaii, then gets annoyed when he ignores her and continues to gabble about his Smeat collection.
Now Wear This. Noah drops by to tell Donna again that he doesn't want to live at Casa Walsh anymore, and asks her if they can pleeeeeeease move in together. Donna silently retches to herself, but pretends to Noah that she thinks them living together is an awesome idea.
Casa David. Post-coitus, Katie grabs the remote and says she wants to watch TV. David tells her he did a bit of research on sex addiction and knows that the hardest time for recovering addicts is the immediate aftermath of sex...but Katie breezily says it's only difficult for her after she's had meaningless sex. She then turns on the TV, while David stares over at her in dismay. He finally gives up on any afterglow canoodling and says he's going to take a shower - but first makes her promise not to bolt as soon as he leaves the room. She assures him she's not going anywhere...and by not going anywhere, she means she's going to hurriedly get dressed and flee the minute David steps into the shower. Bwahaha!
After Dark. Dylan surprises Gina with a private performance by singer Monica. As they dance alone together, all close and romantic-like, Gina snidely asks Dylan if he's overcompensating for his overreaction to the The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape. Dylan snarks that he's not...but Gina proceeds to needle him about her theory that seeing Kelly and Matt doinking bugs him so much 'cause the doinking is based on love, aka the polar opposite of what they have: a relentlessly hate-filled lust that the writers are stubbornly refusing to extinguish for once and for all. A weary Dylan says it's her choice if she wants to ruin the beautiful moment he worked so hard to create, then turns and slouches toward the exit. Gina snaps, "Fine! Also, I know you slept with Kelly in Mexico!" and Dylan turns around and asks her how on earth she found out about that...and Gina tearfully replies, "You just told me." Sneaky! She then stalks out of the club, leaving a confused Monica wondering if she should continue singing now that zero people are watching her.
After Dark. Katie drops by the DJ booth to apologize to David for running out on him so soon after sex. David says he doesn't think that a relationship with him is the best thing for her right now - but she disagrees and applauds his patience, to which he grimly replies, "I've had lots of practice." Hahaha! Katie says she's only ever hooked up with guys that wanted nothing more than sex from her - including her own father, which...yeesh. An icked out David mumbles, "I don't know what to say 'bout that" so Katie says she'd like it if he would be willing to date her, but without the hope of sex for at least a year. David stares back at her in mute horror, so I'm guessing not.
Now Wear This. Donna is measuring Wayne for his first fitting, and the two indulge in some more flirty banter. She informs him she has a boyfriend and generally doesn't like to mix business with pleasure, and he says he respects that and has no problem waiting until she's available. Noah knocks on the store window to get Donna's attention...and when she goes over to talk to him, she nervously explains that Wayne is a fitting model for her new men's line. Noah's like, "Ooooh! Men's line! Exciting!" - LOL - then invites her to go house hunting with him this afternoon. She says she's too busy measuring Wayne, so the two agree to meet up later.
Matt's office. Matt tells Dylan he's confident they'll win the water poisoning case, then thanks him for providing all the financial support he needs to bring the matter to court. Gina enters the office, sees Dylan, then mumbles that she'll eat her snack elsewhere. Dylan chases after her and warns her to keep her trap shut to Matt about his and Kelly's Mexico doink, which enrages Gina 'cause it's obvious he's only interested in protecting Kelly. She storms back into the office and orders Dylan to spill the beans to Matt - otherwise she's going to do it...and so Dylan looks Matt in the eye and calmly says, "I slept with Kelly in Mexico. There you have it - let the games begin." He then glares at Gina and goes, "Happy now?" A discombobulated Matt orders Dylan to take his money and get the hell out of his office, 'cause their arrangement on this case is officially over. Dylan shrugs disinterestedly and slouches out.
Matt storms down to the boutique and barks at Kelly to tell him the truth about Mexico. When she just stares at him in stricken muteness, he declares their relationship done.
Kelly races over to the After Dark to berate Dylan for blabbing about their Mexican doink to Matt. She calls him sick and vows to never forgive him. Dylan snarks that she's the sick one, videotaping herself having sex with Matt...and when she's all, "Wuh?", Dylan gives her a brief description of the tryst that took place in the living room of her mom's condo. She demands to know where he got that tape, and he whines, "Gina and I were just trying to watch a movie!" LOL. Kelly says she wants the tape back, but he angrily tells her he already smashed it to pieces with a pickaxe.
The Walsh house. Steve goes over to the fuse box and, without warning to anyone, shuts off all the power for an unannounced Y2K drill. Matt leaps downstairs and angrily tells Steve he was in the middle of downloading documents he needs for his lawsuit, and a vexed Janet races downstairs and promptly turns the power back on. She asks Steve whassup with their Hawaii vacay...and when he ignores her and continues gabbling about the doomsday threat of Y2K, she says she's cancelling the trip and then storms back upstairs.
Beach house. Gina is weeping in the bathroom when Donna pokes her head in and asks her if she's OK. Gina breezily says she's fine and that she just has allergies. A few seconds later, Kelly appears in the doorway and offers to explain the Mexico doink, then tells Gina she's sure there are things she'd like to say to her. Gina mutters, "Yeah..", then picks up a tube of lipstick and scrawls SLUT on the bathroom mirror, and then stalks out of the room. I think the time has officially come for Donna and Kelly to strongly urge Gina to find herself another place to live, 'cause how in the hell is this living situation even remotely tenable??
The Walsh house. Matt knocks on Noah's bedroom door and tells Noah that in his quest for the truth, he's going to need to examine whatever company papers of his dad's he has possession of...and if he refuses, he'll be forced to file a criminal motion against him. Noah growls, "Knock yourself out" ... and after Matt leaves, Noah tells Donna for the umpteenth time this episode that he doesn't want to live at Casa Walsh anymore.
Casa David. Katie drops by to invite David to a movie, but he declines and tells her he can't be her boyfriend anymore 'cause sex is too important to him to have to abstain from in a relationship...and he refuses to go through another long sex drought like he did for Donna all those years. Katie accepts his decision, then thanks him for being honest and kind 'cause apparently it's a rare thing in L.A.
The Walsh house. Kelly assures Matt she loves him and not Dylan, and reminds him that when she went to bed with Dylan, he had re-committed himself to Lauren. Matt insists that she still should have told him, but she argues that amid his grief about losing Lauren, there was never a good time. He mulls that over and asks her if she thinks she deserves to be forgiven...and when she says she does, he pulls her towards him for a hug. Gaa..
Casa David. Dylan is watching The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape again, staring daggers at the screen. When Gina knocks on the door, he quickly takes the videotape out of the VCR and conceals it in his jacket pocket. He chides Gina for not responding to his many messages, and she reminds him that the Mexico situation is his fault - meaning that he was the one who cheated on her and lied about it. She then grins evilly and says that Kelly was probably thinking about Matt while they were bumping uglies in Mexico, 'cause from what she could tell by watching The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape, he's pretty darn proficient in the sack. She then flounces out, leaving Dylan staring after her with a stricken look on his face. Someone please assure me that these two are now truly, absolutely, completely broken up with no hope of an attempt at a reconciliation.
The Beverly Beat. Steve lights a bunch of candles to create a romantic ambiance while he explains his rude, nutty behavior of late to Janet. He tells her he's had a handful of serious relationships - Celeste, Clare, Hilary Swank - and each time he thought they were "the one" they ended up getting written out of the show. He tells her he gets scared whenever the two of them talk about their future (or trips to Hawaii), 'cause he assumes she's going to leave him too. Janet assures him that she's resigned herself to settling for a bonehead and isn't going anywhere. Steve sheepishly apologizes for ruining their Hawaii vacation, but Janet says it's probably better that they spend such a special occasion with the rest of the cast mates.
Beach house. Dylan drops by to hand over the sex tape to Kelly, then tells her that since she and Matt love each other, there's nothing on the tape she should be ashamed of...the overwhelming blandness of their coupling excepted. He says it was difficult for him to see her connect with another man like that, 'cause he doesn't have any such feelings for Gina. [But that shouldn't matter 'cause you're broken up now...right? right?] He congratulates Kelly on finding someone she loves and who makes her happy, then mopishly says, "I wish it were me."
The Walsh house. Noah is frying up his dad's diary on the barbecue...and when Matt steps outside to see what's cookin', Noah taunts him about never getting the chance to read it. What a malevolent arse-hole.
Restaurant. Donna and Wayne are sitting in a dark corner of the restaurant, having a clandestine date. She tells him she prolly shouldn't see him again 'cause she and her boyfriend want to move in together - but an unfazed Wayne just shrugs and gushes about how much he likes her, and knows she likes him too. Donna admits she totally digs him, but doesn't want him to get the wrong idea 'cause she's definitely not, sort of, but perhaps available. He goes, "Really..?" and leans in for a smooch, and Donna smooches him back and looks all into it.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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