Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 9, Episode 22

"I am immune to happiness of any kind."

"Local Hero"
Original airdate: 4/21/1999

Episode summary: Dylan and Kelly rescue a pregnant mom from a mugger, then deny to everyone that they had been hanging out together. Gina loses the opportunity to become a figure skating commentator because of Matt's shitty negotiating skills. Noah learns he has a half-sister.

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Recap: Matt is vacuuming his office when Kelly calls to say hey, and that he should hire a cleaning service so he can spend more of his free time with her. Matt says he's not so much hard up for a cleaning service as he is procrastinating getting his work done, which probably explains why his law practice is in the sorry state it's in. Kelly tells him she's out doing some shopping, then - ack! - unexpectedly runs into Dylan. She quickly wraps up her call with Matt, then greets Dylan in the coyly coquettish manner in which she always seems to greet him.

Steve has joined the Beverly Hills chapter of Sex Addicts Anonymous and is pretending to be a sex addict in an effort to uncover delicious celebrity gossip that may arise during the sharing sessions. Yep, sounds about right.

Dylan and Kelly sit inside her convertible in the parking lot as they chat and sip coffee. He admits that he was slouching around the grocery store, hoping to "accidentally" run into her. He says he likes hanging out with her alone, then cheekily hints that he's looking forward to the two of them hitting the sheets again sometime in the near future. As they chat, Dylan suddenly notices a shady looking guy approach a pregnant woman and her little son...then grab the little boy and order the woman to hand over her purse. Dylan leaps into action and shoves a shopping cart at the mugger, which knocks him down...and then Kelly runs over and steers the woman and her child to safety. The woman thanks her, then informs her that her water just broke and she's going into labor. Of course she is, this is a TV show. Kelly offers to drive her to the hospital, then runs over to where Dylan is standing to let him know what's happening. She asks if the mugger escaped, and Dylan points at the trunk of the woman's car...and the two laugh as they listen to the creep pounding on the car from inside, demanding to be let out.

Hospital. Dylan calls Gina to let her know he'll be late for whatever plans they made...and Gina excitedly tells him she just got a job offer, and he's like, "That's nice, I gotta go" and abruptly hangs up on her. A reporter from the L.A. Tribune approaches Kelly to praise her for her good deed and asks for all the details, such as exactly who subdued the mugger? She glances over at Dylan, who is anxiously shaking his head no, so she fibs and says she was with Steve Sanders when the attempted mugging went down.

The Beverly Beat. Katie, the group leader from Sex Addicts Anonymous, leaves a phone message for Steve that, for some reason, references his faux masturbatory issues. When Janet listens to the message and is all, "Wha-a?", Steve explains that he's attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings in order to mine for salacious stories they can publish in the Beat. An unwitting Katie has become his sponsor, and since she's slept around with a lot of celebrities during her sex addiction benders, he figures she's got some interesting stories that the Beat can exploit and profit from. David drops by the newsroom, looking odder than usual with a head of newly blackened hair, and drops off the ad copy for some radio spots. Shortly after that, Katie arrives to take Steve to lunch...and David looks instantly smitten with the blonde bombshell, while Janet is visibly miffed by how ridiculously hot she is.

Donna ambles down a street that's in a way sketchier district that the ones she normally hangs out in...and she happens to look through the window of the Rose City Diner and sees Noah sitting in a booth. She enters and asks him whassup with him eating somewhere other than the clique-sanctioned Peach Pit, then explains that she sometimes comes to this 'hood to buy cheaply priced fabric. He acts all shifty and nervous and makes it a point to say he's never been to this diner before, then suggests they leave - but before they can make a break for it, a pretty young waitress emerges from the kitchen and tells Noah that the cook prepared his eggs just the way he likes them. Donna glares at Noah, then huffily storms out of the diner.

Gina enters Matt's office clutching a manilla envelop and excitedly tells Matt that she just got a job offer from The Skating Channel, doing commentary on figure skating routines (e.g. "Clean landing on that triple Lutz!"). The form asks her to indicate her lawyer's name, and she didn't want to look unprofessional by leaving the space blank. Matt asks her if he can look over the offer, then tries to sound all savvy when he says that the first bid is always a bullshit, lowball offer. Gina makes it clear she doesn't want to do anything that could risk losing this job, and Matt points out that she's a national finalist who was hand-picked by a group of executives and therefore has nothing to worry about. Gina thinks that over, then throws all caution and good sense out the window and agrees to let Matt try to negotiate a better deal.

The Beverly Beat. Kelly and Dylan tell Steve about the attempted mugging...and Kelly says that when she got to the hospital with the pregnant mom and found herself surrounded by reporters and photographers, she blurted out that she was with Steve Sanders. Dylan sheepishly adds that they didn't want Matt or Gina to know that they had been hanging out together. Steve chides Kelly for lying, so Kelly says she wanted to maintain the illusion that she was keeping the half-hearted promise she made to Gina about staying away from Dylan. Dylan tells Steve that the L.A. Tribune is going to need his photo for their feature article on the incident, plus the mayor will want a photo opp when he publicly thanks him for his heroic deed. Steve says he wants nothing to do with this deception - but then gets a phone call from someone who starts gushing about his courage and asks him how many times he struck the assailant. Steve pauses the call to ask Dylan for details of the attempted mugging so he can give the caller an accurate account of what happened, then gabbles to the caller about his awesome heroism.

After Dark. Donna accuses Noah of cheating on her with the young waitress, so he explains to the imbecile that the waitress is his half-sister Renee, who he's been visiting with at the diner for the last couple of weeks. He clarifies that Renee doesn't know he's her half-brother...then kisses a dazed Donna on the cheek and says he has to get back to work now.

The Walsh house. The gang is watching Steve on the local news as he waxes on about his faux role in the mugging rescue of a pregnant woman. Matt asks Kelly how she and Steve happened to be hanging out in the parking lot together, so she flusters her way through a fib about how her car was acting up, so she called Steve (of all people) to help her out. Donna arrives with flowers for Noah as a way of apologizing for doubting him and says she'd like to hear all about Renee. Noah explains that after his dad died, he found a bunch of photos and letters in his office...and it turns out he had a whole other life that included a mistress and a daughter. 

The Peach Pit. Katie tells Steve he has a spiritual void (among various other types of voids) and is concerned that he enjoys listening to her sex addiction testimonials a little too much. Steve comes clean and tells her that he's in the tabloid newspaper business, and that he only joined Sex Addicts Anonymous to get juicy stories about celebrities. Katie warns him not to exploit her support group, then angrily flounces towards the exit. On her way out she sashays past David, who gives her another appreciative once-over.

Matt tells Gina he's quite confident he can score her a much better offer with The Skating Channel. He calls up the executive who made Gina the initial offer and rudely tells him that he used his piece of shit lowball offer to line the bottom of his bird cage, then terminates the call. That doesn't seem like actual negotiating, but OK.

The Walsh house. Janet and Steve read about Steve's heroism in the newspaper and learn that the mom named her baby Steve. Good God. Steve looks all wigged out about his under-false-pretences namesake and pissily says he doesn't want to discuss the incident anymore. Janet scrunches her face in confusion at Steve's uncharacteristic modesty.

Casa David. Gina is in a rare good mood as she and Dylan cook dinner and lightheartedly canoodle. She asks him why he's being so nice to her, and he grunts, "It happens." A panicked Steve calls Dylan to summon him to a meeting with himself and Kelly...and Dylan agrees and tells Gina that Steve and "Janet" have a sudden crisis they need his help with.

Dylan, Steve, and Kelly meet in a remote spot overlooking L.A. Steve complains that all this heroism stuff is getting to be too much for him to reasonably explain, especially now that the rescued mom named her newborn son after him. He complains that he can't sleep at night and hates lying to Janet...then grumbles that if the two of them want to be together so badly, they should just dump their current squeezes and hook up so they can stop staring at each other with looks of wistful forlornness all the damn time. After Steve storms back to his car, Dylan tells Kelly that Steve makes a good point...and Kelly stares contemplatively into space as she mulls that over.

The Peach Pit. David tells Steve that he has a lunch date with Katie, and Steve declines to reveal her sex addiction problems. Janet enters the diner and informs Steve that the police just called and want him to go downtown so he can look at a police lineup and ID the mugger. Steve pales and says he can't do that, then rushes over to the nearest phone to place an emergency call to Kelly. When David bugs Steve again about whassup with Katie, Steve throws all sense of discretion to the wind and blabs that she's a total nympho...and then David laughs to Janet about how Steve just said nympho like it's a bad thing.

Noah drops by to take Donna to lunch, and Donna tells him she wants them to go to the Rose City Diner 'cause she took it upon herself to stick her big fat nose in his bidness and spent time at the diner chatting it up with Renee so she could get to know her a little. She tells Noah that Renee is planning to leave town soon, and urges him to introduce himself to her and tell her about her family while he still has the chance.

Police station. Steve is nervously pacing the waiting area when a cop comes out and tells him that the line-up is ready. Steve clutches his stomach and says he suddenly feels ill - just as Kelly arrives. The cop says they only need one person to identify the mugger, so Kelly quickly offers to do it. Janet glares at Steve suspiciously and demands to know whassup with his weird behavior lately, so Steve cracks and admits that he wasn't anywhere near the scene of the attempted mugging.

Restaurant. David scarfs down his lunch and suggests to Katie that they head over to his place, then saucily adds, "I have a cappuccino machine and my roommate isn't home." Subtle, David. Katie declines and says she has to get going 'cause she has an appointment to get her nails done. Haha!

Casa David. Kelly drops by to inform Dylan that Janet knows Steve wasn't really the hero, and Dylan shrugs and goes, "So..?" She says she wants to come clean with Matt about everything - including their doink in Mexico. Dylan warns her that it'll probably mean the end of their relationship, then mumbles that he isn't proud of the way he's been treating Gina (behind her back) and is ready to dump her asap.

Matt's office. Matt and Gina are awaiting a fax from The Skating Channel. Gina worries that they might have been too tough during the negotiation process, but Matt is confident that the counter-offer will include a lot more money. When the fax finally arrives, it's a "thanks but no thanks" letter from The Skating Channel, saying they've decided to stick it out with their tried and tested commentator, Kitty Shaver. Gina visibly deflates, then angrily berates Matt for destroying her job opportunity by playing hardball. She snarls, "You blew it!" and Matt hangs his head in shame.

Donna and Noah enter the Rose City Diner and look around for Renee. The owner, Sal, tells them that Renee already finished her last shift and booked herself on a flight. Donna manages to sweet talk him into giving her Renee's contact information.

Dylan lets himself inside the beach house and finds Gina sitting in the living room, tearfully staring into the dark. Apparently, he left her a bunch of phone messages saying "Call me, we need to talk", which...ouch. Gina tells him that her Skating Channel deal fell through, and that she's pretty sure they were just using her as leverage to get Kitty Shaver to renew her contract. She sadly remarks that, as usual, she's being treated as "the next to best thing". She asks Dylan if he's about to say something that is going to completely push her over the edge, and he's like, "Uh...nope" and gives her a comforting hug.

After Dark. Renee drops by the club to see Noah after getting a message from Sal saying that he needed to see her. She tells him she's leaving for Florida in a few hours...and that she hopes he's not trying to ask her out 'cause she doesn't want him cheating on Donna, who - she can already tell - is the sweetest cherub the world has ever seen. Noah agrees that, yes, Donna is the most stunning angel he could ever hope to meet, then reveals that he recently discovered that they're brother and sister. As Renee stares at him in shocked silence, he assures her he doesn't want to mess with her life in any way...he just wanted her to know that she has a brother in L.A. who is more than happy to look out for her. As the two hug, Donna smiles at them in her most obnoxious, repugnantly sanctimonious manner from the doorway.

Hospital. Steve tells the nearly mugged mom that he's not the hero everyone's been saying he is, and that she probably shouldn't be naming her son after him. The mom wryly informs him that she named the baby Steve 'cause it's her husband's name. Womp womp!

Beach house. Matt drops by to see Gina. He produces a bottle of champagne and offers her a job at his law practice. It remains unclear how in the hell he's able to afford an employee when he can't even afford a place to live. He tells her he doesn't want her to think she's worthless, then suggests she ditch her slouchy beau and find someone who thinks of her as something more than a convenient hookup who has very, very pretty hair.  

The Peach Pit. Katie enters the diner and tells David she wants to explain why she cut their date short - and David says he knows why, then rats Steve out about how he blabbed to him all about her sex addiction problems. LOL. As she silently curses Steve's big mouth, David asks her out for a nice quiet dinner with no pressure to put out...and she says she likes the sound of that, and that ever since she's been abstaining from sex she feels healthy and ready to move forward with her life. Fantastic.

The Walsh house. Kelly confesses to Matt that she was with Dylan on the day of the attempted mugging, and that they lied about it so he and Gina wouldn't get jealous and upset. Matt gets angry that she and Dylan dragged Steve and Janet into their web of lies, then asks Kelly why in the hell she holds onto Dylan so relentlessly. She just shrugs and says, "He's my friend" and Matt says that although he always wants her to tell him the truth, he really really hates the idea of her and Dylan ogling each other and spending time alone together.

After Dark. Kelly drops by to tell Dylan that she told Matt they were together when the attempted mugging went down, then correctly guesses that he didn't dump Gina as he said he would. She wonders aloud why he's with someone he doesn't even like that much, and he just kind of shrugs and goes, "I dunno." She smugly tells him how awesome it is to be with someone she loves...and as she flounces out of the club in kind of an in-yer-face way, Dylan broodily stares after her. 

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