Recap: The bewildered guests of Kelly's and Brandon's non-wedding have all gone home...and Kelly, who's still decked out in her wedding gown, tells Donna how hard it was for everyone to look her in the eye until they realized how at peace she and Brandon were pretending to be about their non-marriage. Brandon, meanwhile, is telling Steve and Noah that he and Kelly simultaneously realized that they're more like brother and sister...and it looks like it's suddenly dawned on him that he's going to have to break up with Kelly now. After Donna and Noah head home and Steve goes upstairs to bed, Kelly ambles into the kitchen to find something to eat. Brandon feeds her a piece of their wedding cake, and then she feeds him a piece...and soon the two are staring at each other intensely and engaging in an amorous smoochfest. They take their canoodling up to the master bedroom, wondering aloud if they should really be doing this - especially now that they suddenly think of each other as brother and sister - then throw all caution and any semblance of consistency in the script to the wind ('cause who the hell knows where the writers are going with this relationship at any given moment?) and hit the sheets as the opening credits roll. Da na na na...da na na na...cha cha...
Valerie and David are sitting at an overlook, staring down at the city lights. Valerie gabbles about how important it is to not take things for granted and that she just got a do-over in life...then tells David to elaborate on that situation so he can end the suspense of last season's cliffhanger and reveal to viewers the outcome of her AIDS test. David gamely tells her that her blood test came back negative for HIV...and Valerie's like, "Big whoop" and reminds him that she'll have to take the test again in six months to make double sure she didn't get infected. David tells her she should be happy - or at least less outwardly miserable - but she mopishly says she's a horrible wretch who doesn't deserve happiness.
The Walsh house. Steve asks Brandon how it went last night when he gave Kelly the heave-ho...and Brandon sheepishly says he couldn't bring himself to do it, and instead decided to enjoy a romp with his non-bride. An oblivious Kelly is in the living room organizing all the wedding gifts so they can be returned...and when she sees Brandon lurking in the hall, she chirps, "I hope the store has a generous return policy!" Yeah, I'm sure all the people who shelled out their hard earned money to buy wedding gifts for a wedding that never happened are hoping for that as well. Kelly vetoes any discussion of last night's doink and says she just wants to focus on tying up all the loose ends of their cancelled wedding.
Boat. Noah is on the phone with his mother, snarkishly telling her he has no intention of attending his father's birthday dinner. Mama Hunter implores him to come and says his dad needs him, but Noah snaps, "I don't buy it!" and slams down the phone. Donna, who has been eavesdropping on the conversation while eating breakfast, offers to go out and buy Papa Hunter a birthday gift, but Noah tells her he doesn't want her going through the trouble.
Steve is at a boutique, returning his wedding gift, when he catches sight of a cute redhead - hey, it's Sydney from Melrose Place! When he tries to chat it up with her she rudely disses him, then pulls the old it-looks-like-I'm-paying-with-a-$50-bill-but-really-it's-a-$10-bill trick to buy an expensive photo frame...then rushes out of the store before the sales clerk can put two and two together. She asks Steve to please be her getaway driver so she's not apprehended for shoplifting, then introduces herself as Sophie Burns. Steve's like, "Sure! Climb in!" 'cause he's a boneheaded moron who doesn't have the sense to detect any of the red flags flapping around this brazen hustler.
The Walsh house. Phyllis (a friend of Jackie's) drops by to pick up her purse, which she accidentally left at the house after the non-wedding reception. She chats it up with Donna and says she'd loooove to know who designed Kelly's wedding gown 'cause she has a friend who's a buyer at a swanky boutique who would be utterly enamored by it. Kelly retrieves the purse, then points to Donna and says, "Here's your designer!" and Phyllis is all, "Wuh?" and tells Donna she's going to have her buyer friend call her. After she leaves, Donna tells Kelly she's concerned about taking a job that would remind her (Kelly) of the gown she wore on her botched wedding day...but Kelly assures her it's not a problem and encourages her to take advantage of whatever opportunities come her way - 'cause, let's face it, Donna's not in any position to be picky about whatever fashion-related work might come her way.
The Peach Pit. Valerie is nattering at David again that she's a horrible person...blah blah. He tells her she's not so much horrible as she was weak and scared when she thought she might get AIDS. Nat comes by to take their order...and Valerie glances at the menu, but doesn't find anything that appeals to her and snarkishly tells Nat he should think about updating the shitty thing. Haha! I'll bet he still considers artery-hardening mega-burgers to be his diner's flagship lunch order. As Nat shuffles away dejectedly, David advises Valerie to go easy on the brutal honesty.
The Beverly Beat. Kelly drops by the newsroom to return Janet's wedding gift and ask Brandon if he arranged for the party people to pick up the chairs, tables, etc. He tells her he hasn't gotten around to it yet, and Kelly gets all prickly about it...and Brandon cuts to the heart of what's really upsetting her and tells her that the two of them staying together would only be holding onto the past. Kelly says she felt sad during their non-wedding reception, connected during their impromptu doink, but is sad again 'cause it seems like he's able to go about his day without a care in the world. She says she now thinks it was nonsensical of the fickle writers to call off their wedding and asks him if he agrees...but when he just mutely stares into space, Kelly takes that as a no and storms out of the newsroom.
The Walsh house. Sophie tells Steve she's looking for a roommate for when she pretends to enroll in CU and study biology, and Steve buys her nonsense and offers her a room at the Walsh house. Since Steve, Valerie, and Brandon still live there, it remains unclear how or when a room in the three bedroom Walsh house became available. Sophie pretends to worry what would happen if she couldn't afford to pay her share, and Steve breezily says it wouldn't be a problem (not sure Brandon would agree...but since he's leaving the show soon, maybe he truly doesn't give a rat's ass how the household bills get paid). Sophie likes the sound of that and gives Steve a thank you kiss.
Beach house. Donna is showing Kelly's wedding gown to Phyllis' buyer friend, explaining that she was going for understated excellence. The buyer declares it to be the awesomest wedding gown ever created and says he'd like to send someone to pick it up and transport it to his store so its magnificence can be displayed for the world to see. Donna says she's not quite sure if she wants it displayed, since it didn't bring her friend any marital joy - OMFG - and the buyer hands her his card and tells her to call him when she decides she's serious about wanting a career in fashion design. Noah, meanwhile, is on the phone with his mother again, having a repeat of the conversation he had with her a few scenes ago. After he hangs up, Donna tells him she bought cufflinks for his father's birthday gift just in case...and he says that while he appreciates what she's trying to do, his relationship with his father is a lost cause. Donna argues, "But he's your fatherrrrrr!" and Noah's like, "Whatever" and asks her if she'd like to grab lunch later. She says yes...then when Noah leaves, she hits redial on her phone, introduces herself to Mama Hunter, and says that she and Noah would be delighted to attend Papa Hunter's birthday dinner. Mama Hunter is all, "Yippee!!"
Barnett Studios. David tells Kyle Scott and says that while he appreciates the jingle work he's been throwing his way, he'd much rather be writing movie scores. LOL. Kyle tries to explain to the dimwit that he doesn't have enough experience to write a movie score he's confident will not suck - but David whines that he needs to be given the opportunity in order for him to get the requisite experience. Kyle patiently tells him he's just not ready, but that he has another commercial that requires a jingle. David imperiously pronounces, "I'm too good to be doing jingles" - bwahahaha!! - and Kyle somehow refrains from busting a gut laughing and says, "Then I suggest you don't write them anymore." David suddenly remembers that he has no other income-generating prospects in his pitiful life and says he's willing to lower himself to jingle writing after all, but Kyle decides he's had enough of David's bloated ego and sarcastically tells him he shouldn't stoop so low. Hee!
After Dark. Kelly, Donna, and Janet commiserate about the pain of getting dumped and suffering broken hearts. Donna asks Kelly if she's really, truly, for sure OK with a local store displaying her wedding gown in the store window - OMFG, just give the ugly thing to the buyer already - and Kelly assures her she is.
The menfolk are strolling in Santa Monica, listening to Brandon gabble about the real reason he called off the wedding, which the writers are now claiming is that he and Kelly are too much alike. He further bloviates that "marriage became a huge deal that was swallowing us whole". Steve changes the subject to himself and announces that he and Sarah are through, which is A-OK 'cause he met a new fixation named Sophie. He describes the way they met - him being the getaway driver after she shoplifted - and the guys are all, "Ack!" and tell him what a totally screwed up way that is to start a relationship. As the four climb into Brandon's car, Brandon notices the faded Just Married etching on the back of it and puts his sad face on.
After Dark. Valerie comes over to the 90210 gals' table and tells Kelly she's surprised to see her "cruising" so soon. Donna tells her to not be such a bitch, so Valerie dials it down and tells Kelly she's genuinely happy for her that she's able to move on, and that she hopes she can make things work with a new fella. A few seconds later, a cute guy comes over and asks Kelly to dance, but she fibs and tells him she has a boyfriend.
Beach house. Kelly looks sad as she sifts through her honeymoon suitcase. Donna sees what she's doing and gives her a from-behind hug to comfort her.
The Walsh house. Brandon is sacked out in the living room, watching the wedding video that David jumped the gun in putting together for posterity. Steve quietly watches him from the doorway and makes a mental note of how sad Brandon looks.
Boat. Noah is annoyed at Donna for promising his mother they'd go to Papa Hunter's birthday bash, and Donna makes it all about her and asks him if he's ashamed of having such a giant headed girlfriend. Noah pretends to be OK with the freakish largeness of her head and tells her he's loathe to go 'cause of how badly his childhood sucked on a daily basis due to his douchebag father's strict rules. Donna implores him to let her help him smooth over his family problems, and he agrees and gives her a thank you kiss on the cheek.
The Walsh house. Steve tells Sophie that Brandon gave her the green light to move in. She's all, "Yay!" but pretends to be sheepish about making him sleep on the couch from now on. He assures her he's totes fine with it ['cause who needs a bedroom in the house they're living in?]...and after he leaves the room to make breakfast, Sophie pulls out her journal and mulls over the progress of her life's to-do list:
1. Find a place in Beverly Hills (she puts a checkmark beside this one)
2. Get money, from college??
3. Get start in the business
Valerie is regretful when she hears that David got himself fired from Barnett Studios in such a stupid manner - but insists he did the right thing, and that Kyle is an idiot for not just handing over a movie score for him to write. David scowls and tells her she gave him shitty advice and is sorry he followed it.
Brandon is irked at Steve for "accidentally" taping over his wedding video...and Steve unconvincingly tells him he was so eager to record a seniors' golf tournament that he didn't realize his mistake. Valerie tells Brandon not to blame Steve, since he saved him the trouble of keeping memories he would have had with Kelly if they'd actually gotten married. Brandon snarls, "Go be a bitch somewhere else!" Meow.
Shopping center. Kelly and Donna are out and about, shopping and returning wedding gifts, when Kelly spots her wedding gown on display in a store window. She stares at it sadly and moans to Donna about how she and Brandon were supposed to go through life together. Donna assures her she'll find someone else, but Kelly wails, "What if I don't? What if he was the one?" and Donna says if he were she would have married him. Kelly shakes her head noooo and helplessly retorts, "I want it all back...the day...everything."
After Dark. Steve brings Sophie to the club and ambles off to get them a table. Sophie goes over to the bar where David is working and tries to pull the it-looks-like-I'm-paying-with-a-$50-bill-but-really-it's-a-$10-bill trick she did at the boutique earlier in the episode - but David calls her out on the dumb scam. Steve bounds over and introduces them, and Sophie excitedly babbles about how much she looooves David's music and then shoots him a seductive stare. LOL.
Hunter estate. Donna and Noah are dining with the Hunters in a ginormous dining room and engaging in awkward chit-chat. Noah snarks about how the family business has gotten rich off of honest people who built this country, then bitchily tells Donna that his father would sometimes take out his anger on his family.
After Dark. Valerie warns Steve that he's in over his head with Sophie and that it's pretty clear she's going to trample all over his heart, but Steve is too boneheaded to see any writing on that wall and remains in denial that any problems could be afoot. David, who has overheard this, snarks at Valerie for continuing to dispense her brutal honesty 'cause it's upsetting to people...and Valerie frowns and moans again about how undeserving she is of happiness. David asks her what she did that was so horrible, but she clams up 'cause it'll be way more dramatic for her to reveal the shocking tidbit right before the end credits roll.
Beach house. Brandon drops by to ask Kelly why she decided she didn't want to marry him. She tells him she thought they were getting married 'cause they were supposed to, not 'cause they wanted to. He mulls that over and tells her he hasn't moved on yet...and she says she now thinks that doinking on their botched wedding night was a mistake. They both admit to being scared, then stare sadly at each other. Arg. Cut the damn cord already.
The Walsh house. Sophie calls the Bel Age Hotel and orders a large room service meal as if she's a hotel guest, then instructs the person to leave the food outside her door 'cause she doesn't want to disturb her "husband", who's asleep. Valerie, who's standing in the doorway eavesdropping, compliments her on pulling off the hotel room service scam and Sophie giggles and calls it a victimless crime. Valerie's like, "Whatever" and warns her not to hurt Steve. Sophie says, "If I'm stepping on toes here..." and Valerie glares at her and snaps, "I'll step right back. We clear?" and Sophie nods, looking a tad fearful.
Beach house. Brandon and Kelly cuddle on a patio lounger, further confusing each other and me. Kelly suggests they go on their honeymoon as planned, then says she's definitely sure she wants to "give it a go". She asks him if he is, and he just stares into space, looking troubled and unsure.
Bel Age Hotel. Sophie finds the room service order waiting in the hall and loads up all the food into a giant picnic basket.
Sophie drops by David's apartment and points at the picnic lunch she set up for him on the front lawn, pretending that it's her way of saying sorry for trying to scam him the other night. David asks her if Steve knows she's here, and she shrugs and says Steve is well aware he's just a friend...and the two clink champagne glasses.
The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet advise Brandon to - for the love of all that is holy - not go with Kelly on their planned honeymoon trip 'cause it would only lead her on and delay the inevitable breakup. David stops by to ask Steve if Sophie is fair game on the dating market, and Steve tells him not to ask her out, 'cause "that boat has already sailed". David says, "That's all I needed to hear" and Steve credits him for doing the stand up thing by asking.
After Dark. Donna tells Noah that the store bought the wedding gown she designed for Kelly, and that it'll now be available for purchase to customers who like understated elegance. Papa Hunter enters the club and orders a drink...and when Noah snarls something bitchy at him, he abruptly declares, "We're broke." Noah's all, "Wha-a?!" so Papa Hunter explains that a recent dispute with the IRS has forced the company into bankruptcy, and the stock is now completely worthless. That seems pretty quick and drastic, but since I'm a recapper not a stock market expert, I guess I can buy that. Incidentally, Papa Hunter seems pretty A-OK with his sudden zero dollars net worth, which was weird.
Beach house. Brandon drops by to tell Kelly that he can't continue with their relationship after all. He says they only thing that's been holding them together is the fear of moving on...and now realizes he really does want to move on. Kelly gets angry, teary, then slams the door in his face. Let's hope that that's finally that.
Valerie drops by David's apartment to once again tell David how miserable she is. She notices the fancy picnic dishware courtesy of the Bel Age Hotel and mutters that he doesn't waste any time. She says she still loves him even though he doesn't love her...and David's like, "Whatever" and asks what her deep dark secret is. She hesitates and says that some truths aren't worth telling...then cancels that and starts rambling about her abusive father until she finally blurts out, "I killed my father, David!" David's all, "Wha-a?!" as the scene fades to black.