Recap: Kelly and Donna are in the backyard of the Walsh house, going over some last minute wedding plans. Brandon emerges from the house to report that Brenda and Dylan won't be able to make the wedding [Brenda 'cause she's still taking the British stage-acting world by storm, and Dylan 'cause His Slouchiness isn't due to return to 90210 until next season.] Brandon says they have an open invitation to swing by the UK if their honeymoon takes them anywhere near that part of the world. Kelly ooohs at the mention of their honeymoon...and when she and Brandon start tonguing each other, Donna beams at them and chirps, "You two are going to be soooo happy!"
David pops by Valerie's room to say hey, and she angrily mutters, "Good morning. Goodbye." David says he stands by his decision to give her the heave-ho, but that he still wants to be friends...and she tearfully accuses him of not caring about her. She says she lays awake at night, dissecting what went wrong in their relationship...then bursts into tears and wails, "I'm so stooopid!" When a confused David is all, "Wha-a?" she explains that she slept with someone else the night they broke up, and later learned that he's a needle & hose type drug user. She's clinging to the hope that he doesn't share his needles or have AIDS...and David's all, "Ack!" and urges her to get tested, like pronto.
Valerie tracks down Johnny in an office building as he's finishing up a meeting with some clients. She tells him she's so completely freaked out that they had unprotected sex before she snooped in his drawers and learned he's a heroin user. She asks him if he shares needles or has been tested for AIDS lately, and he snarls, "No. And go to hell."
The Walsh house. David is filming testimonials for a wedding video...and Brandon and Kelly are on the hot seat, sitting in front of the camera. Donna urges them to speak from the heart, but the two just stare at each other blankly.
Steve and Sarah stroll along a walking trail, hand in hand. She breezily informs him that she and Matt have a marriage counseling session later, but that it's not a big deal. Steve points out that it kind of sends the message that her marriage isn't over, but Sarah says she's only doing it 'cause she feels she owes Matt the courtesy of pretending to want to reconcile. She assures Steve that her heart belongs with him, and that as far as she's concerned, her marriage is over. Then why give Matt false hope by going to counseling?
Kelly and Brandon are out for lunch with Kelly's parents. She tells Jackie and Bill she'd like them both to walk her down the aisle [ugh - that always looks so dumb at weddings] and then Jackie starts bickering with Bill about what a shitty husband he was. She eventually realizes how awkward it is for Brandon and Kelly to listen to their sniping, so she shuts her pie-hole and assures the kids that they'll be vewy vewy happy together.
Donna and Noah are filming their testimonial for the wedding video...and when Noah says he's nowhere near ready for marriage, Donna pretends that she too shares that sentiment.
Brandon and Kelly go to the jewelry store to pick out their rings and have a contrived argument about whether or not they should get the rings inscribed with something meaningful. Brandon doesn't see the need...Kelly does...and the scene ends with Kelly storming out of the store.
The Walsh house. Donna chit-chats with Jacob, the British sounding caterer, about the type of food he'll be serving at the wedding. Noah comes over and makes it clear how unimpressed he is by all the food talk, declares marriage stoopid, and that just saying I love you should be more than enough for couples. What a killjoy. He should probably skip the wedding. After he stalks off, a delivery truck somehow slips into gear and heads straight for Donna...but stupid Jacob springs into action and pushes Donna to safety before it can barrel into her.
The Beverly Beat. Steve is pacing the newsroom, gabbling about Sarah going to her counseling session with Matt this afternoon. He says she should have called by now...and just as he gets all worked up about not hearing from her, Sarah calls to make plans to get together with him tomorrow night.
After Dark. Valerie tells David again how freaked out she still is about bumping uglies with a heroin user. She clams up when Noah enters the room and asks him if he's up for a night of dancing, but Noah declines and says he'd prefer to go out on a night that Donna can come along.
Beach house. Kelly is trying on her veil when Donna enters her room and laments about Noah's lack of interest in marriage. Kelly can't muster much interest in her plight and complains about Brandon being a snorer...which seemed totally random, but OK.
The Beverly Beat. Sarah drops by the newsroom to cancel her date with Steve 'cause her friend Kim is going through a rough breakup and needs a shoulder to cry on. Steve's like, "What about me? I'm vulnerable" and Sarah promises to meet up with him tomorrow night.
After Dark. David bugs Valerie to get an AIDS test, and she snarks back that she'll deal with it eventually...and that she hates the idea of him feeling sorry for her. Noah emerges from his office to accompany Valerie to see a local band perform...and as they leave, David stares after them with his face scrunched concernedly.
Steve and Brandon are on a stakeout in front of Sarah's building because Steve is officially a stalker and Brandon is his enabler. Steve is relieved when he sees a distraught looking blonde woman pull up in front of the building, greet Sarah, and go inside the building so the two can begin sorting through the wreckage of Kim's failed relationship.
The Walsh house. Donna thanks Jacob for saving her life and says she wants to express her gratitude. Jacob perks up and says what he'd really like is a date with the prettiest, doe-eyed cherub in the whole wide world, and Donna blushes and giggles, "Sure!"
Valerie and Noah arrive at a club called Loose Lizard's and stand in a long line. Noah grimaces and says he has a better idea, and leads Valerie around the building where the two climb up a ladder that leads to the roof. Valerie notices an AIDS awareness billboard and looks newly bummed about her diseased plight...and starts pacing on a narrow strip of concrete while muttering depressing gibberish. Noah gets concerned and urges her to come down 'cause he doesn't want to watch her plunge to her death the way he had to witness Beth, his fiancee, die in a fiery car crash. Valerie mumbles about how awful a slow death would be, then suddenly loses her footing and slips off the concrete. Noah leaps into action and grabs her and pulls her down toward him...and when she badly scrapes her elbow, she flinches away from him and shrieks, "Don't touch me!" She tells him she wants to go home, then stalks off...and Noah stares after her perplexedly.
Kelly and Brandon meet with the minister to discuss the ceremony. He says he likes to get to know couples before he binds them in holy matrimony, then asks them what made them decide to get married. The both mumble incoherent replies then stare at each other awkwardly, so the minister throws in the towel on that and asks them if they have vows they're planning to recite to each other. When they grunt in the affirmative, the minister remarks to Brandon that since he's a writer for a pretend newspaper, the words should come very easily to him.
The Walsh house. Noah drops by to return Valerie's purse from their failed outing. He runs into David, who snarkishly asks him if he's "swooping in" and using Valerie as a backup plan in case things with Donna don't work out. The two then start shoving each other - until Valerie emerges from the bathroom and snaps at them to knock it off and get the hell out.
Mall. Brandon and Steve are getting fitted for their wedding day tuxedos. Steve gabbles about how over-the-moon batshit he is about Sarah, and that he even breathes differently [pants like a dog] whenever she's in his orbit. He asks Brandon if he feels like that around Kelly, and Brandon just stares into space with a stricken look on his face...so I guess we can take that as a no.
Beach house. Donna tells Noah she's agreed to on a date with Jacob, and Noah's all, "Wha-a?!" and says it's weird for someone who has a boyfriend to be going out on dates. Donna explains that Jacob is only using her to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, and she really wants to do him this favor in exchange for saving her life.
The Peach Pit. Brandon reads his vows to Kelly, but she points out that he's not so much describing how he feels about her than he is just describing her various qualities. She reads him a poem, in lieu of vows, she's planning on reading during the ceremony, and it's something about birds sitting together on a wire. Brandon scrunches his face in confusion and says he doesn't get it...and the two agree that something mysterious and contrived in this episode is subtly pulling them apart. Kelly flounces out of the diner, and Brandon stares after her with a troubled expression on his face.
Donna meets Jacob at a fancy restaurant, and she's decked out in a super skimpy purple dress that showcases her misshapen fake hooters. Jacob pours her a glass of wine and informs her that his ex-girlfriend, Phyllis, is dining with her latest squeeze across the restaurant. Donna glances over and gleefully reports that Phyllis is glaring over at them. Jacob asks her to lean forward and give him a peck on the lips, and Donna obliges him and does her best not to giggle. When Phyllis sees their fake canoodling, she gets so irked that she springs up from her table and storms out of the restaurant.
Steve meets up with Sarah at the movies, and she breaks it to him that they can't see each other anymore. She explains that after her friend Kim came over and wept about her horrible breakup, she decided that her wedding vows suddenly mean something and that she needs to give her marriage another chance. She says sorry, then rushes off, leaving Steve staring after her in anguish.
After Dark. Johnny stumbles into the bar, visibly drunk, and mumbles something to Valerie about the night they doinked. She pulls up his shirt sleeve and finds fresh needle marks...and when he tries to canoodle her, she's all, "Ack! Get the fuck off me!" He tells her he's been contemplating kicking his heroin habit, but then realized there's no longer any point 'cause he just learned he's HIV positive. Valerie's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and stares at him in horror.
The next morning, Donna drops by the boat as Noah is cooking breakfast. He asks her how her date with Jacob went, and she tells him it went well, then says she's amused by how jealous he is. She explains that the date was merely a ruse for Jacob to try to win back his ex-girlfriend...but Noah still doesn't like the idea of her going on dates with other men while wearing form-fitting spandex outfits.
Valerie goes to a clinic to get tested, but is so wigged out by the sight of an AIDS inflicted man struggling to take his meds that she beats a hasty retreat without keeping her appointment.
Kelly tells Donna how disappointed she is with Brandon's vows, blah blah...and Donna reminds her that guys sometimes have a hard time expressing themselves. She then admits to Kelly that she finds her "birds on a wire" poem confusing and an odd choice for a wedding.
Brandon and Steve are back at the jewelry store. Brandon still can't decide on a wedding present for Kelly, and Steve's like whatever and spots a gold bracelet he wants to buy for Sarah. Brandon says he doesn't actually like the idea of reading poetry during the vows portion of the wedding ceremony, and Steve breezily replies, "You'll work it out."
The 90210 gang, along with Muntz and his wife Julie, arrive at the pre-wedding dinner at a fancy hotel. A few seconds later, Brandon and Kelly arrive with Mama and Papa Walsh in tow.
David finds Valerie moping on the balcony. She tells him she's too bummed to go inside 'cause Johnny confessed to her that he's HIV positive. As she spacily ambles off, David stares after her concernedly.
Mama and Papa Walsh each make a toast and wax on about how proud they are of Brandon, and how much they love Kelly, blah blah.. Valerie saunters in a few seconds later and announces that she too would like to make a toast. As Brandon and Kelly nervously flinch, Valerie decides to keep things appropriate and says, "I want what you guys have. I hope I can find it someday" and the relieved guests clink their glasses and go, "Cheers!"
Steve is waiting outside Sarah's building holding a limp bouquet of flowers. Sarah appears with Matt and asks Steve whassup with him being here, then awkwardly introduces him to her husband. Matt scoffs dismissively and tells him to take a hike...and Steve holds out his sad little bouquet and whimpers to Sarah, "I brought these for you." Sarah implores him to leave, then hustles Matt inside her building before he can send any punches Steve's way.
Noah finds Donna moping by the hotel pool. He remarks on all the wedding toasts, and Donna wistfully says she hopes they can have that someday. Noah's like, "I dunno. All we do is fight" and tells her about what a shitty marriage his parents have. Donna insists that good marriages do exist, and that they're something to hope for. She then asks where they go from here, and sadly proposes, "Just walk away?" and Noah just stares back at her mutely while the scene fades to black.
Medical Center. Valerie is in the waiting room with David, waiting to take an AIDS test. He asks her why in the hell she didn't use a condom when she doinked a guy as spacey looking as Johnny, and she wails that she wasn't thinking that night at all. She tells him he has every right to turn away from her...but David's like, "Nah" and breezily assures her that when the results come back negative, she'll feel like a new, hopefully less cantankerous type person.
Steve tells Brandon he ran into Sarah and Matt while trying to deliver his limp flower bouquet. Brandon reminds him that Sarah is married...then glumly says that married people are committed to one person and one person only until the sweet release of death. He then picks out an infinity wedding ring for Kelly and stares contemplatively into space.
The Walsh house. Donna gives her testimonial for the wedding video and gets all emotional as she gushes about all the things she associates with true love.
Jackie apologizes to Kelly about arguing with Bill at lunch the other day, and assures her that she and Brandon are going to have a great marriage - much like her parents enjoyed. She then presents Kelly with a locket that belonged to her mother, which is inscribed with the phrase thoughts that lie too deep for tears. Kelly is moved by the inscription and tearfully remarks on how she and Brandon were unable to come with anything close to being that good.
While working on some last minute wedding details, Jacob tells Donna that she seems preoccupied, and she admits that she and Noah can't seem to move forward together. He asks her if she's ever contemplated moving forward without him...and Donna's all, "Wha-a?" and asks him whassup with Phyllis. He tells her that Phyllis called and asked to get together...but there's now a problem. He gazes at her and says, "It's you", remarks that she and Noah don't seem happy together, then tenderly caresses her face and asks, "Why not try me?" He's mad as a hatter, this British caterer.
David films Mama Walsh as she blathers about learning to let her kids go...and that a wedding is a good opportunity to do that. She adds that part of the joy of getting married is the wonder of knowing you're with the one.
Steve drops in on Sarah at her workplace and quickly steers him into her office. She firmly tells him they can't see each other anymore 'cause she and Matt are rebooting their marriage...and by rebooting she means they're spending the weekend together in New York. She apologizes to Steve for leading him on, says she still cares for him, but insists on getting back with Matt. Steve puts his sad face on and dejectedly shuffles out of the room.
Brandon calls Kelly to tell her that he bought her an infinity wedding ring and feels lucky that she wants to marry him (even though she doesn't really). Kelly coos that she's finally going to be able to get a good night's sleep...and the two exchange I love yous. Brandon hangs up the phone and glumly stares at his wedding band, while Kelly glumly stares at herself as she stands in front of the mirror with her veil on.
Valerie is moping on David's front porch when he comes out to see whassup. She tells him she's shitting bricks about her test results and can't bear the thought of possibly never being able to freely doink a complete stranger ever again. As she whimpers in his arms, she swears that if the results come back negative she'll be a lot nicer to people - but David says she really just needs to be nicer to herself (even though she could definitely stand to be far less cunty than she normally is).
Wedding Day! Kelly is laying in bed looking contemplative...and when Donna comes in to gush about it being her special day, Kelly says she feels calm and ready. Brandon, meanwhile, is laying in bed broodily staring at the ceiling. Papa Walsh asks him if he's OK, then recalls how nervous he was on his wedding day.
Valerie gets a call from the clinic, informing her that her AIDS test results are in - but the doctor won't tell her anything over the phone, meaning she'll have to drop by in person to get the good or bad news.
Donna runs into Jacob and tells him she doesn't want to lead him on, and that she still loves Noah...blah blah. Jacob kisses her cheek and assures her that, tough as it's going to be on him to miss out on dating nature's most perfect cherub, he's A-OK with her decision.
Kelly and Brandon are filming a clip for their wedding video. They gabble about their favorite music, and when they first wanted to kiss each other. Brandon happily says they're each other's best friend, then gives Kelly a big smooch.
Valerie tells David she's not quite ready to face the test results and will head over to the clinic after the wedding. David steers her over to her full-length mirror and says he sees a totally healthy person [even though it's hardly like AIDS would have started to ravage her body at this early stage]. Valerie wryly mutters a Jim Morrison quote: "Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse."
A frazzled Donna is running around the Walsh house, attending to more last minute wedding details. She seems like a really disorganized wedding planner. Noah gives up trying to have a heart-to-heart with her about the shaky state of their relationship, then encounters Jacob and snarls at him for making a play for Donna. Jacob's like, "Dude, she loves you" then implores him to consider how much she means to him before letting her slip through his fingers.
At the church, Steve is complaining to Nat's wife about his botched romance with Sarah. Shut up, Steve. No one cares.
Kelly is all decked out in her wedding gown while Jackie and Donna fuss over her. After Donna exits the room to give Kelly and Jackie the opportunity to share a tender mother-daughter moment, Kelly starts twitching and says she's developed a sudden aversion to marrying Brandon. Jackie's all, "Wha-a?! How did you get here?" and Kelly wails, "I dunno!" and gabbles about what a great guy Brandon is and that she doesn't want to lose him. Jackie says that that's no reason to marry him, even if she does end up regretting it for awhile...then reminds her that she's only twenty-two years old and has her entire life in front of her. Kelly wrings her hands and asks, "How much doubt is too much?" and Jackie says that only she can answer that question.
As Brandon primps in front of the mirror in his tuxedo, Steve natters to him about Sarah for the hundredth time this episode, then yammers about the importance of living life to the fullest - which, of course, he feels Sarah would be doing with him, not Matt. Brandon openly questions whether he really feels that kind of passion for Kelly...then comes to the realization that it's not normal pre-wedding jitters he's feeling, but rather a contrived desire to turn the Season 8 finale on its ass and abruptly end his long-term relationship with Kelly.
By scripted coincidence, Brandon and Kelly exit their dressing rooms at the exact same time. They have awkward chit-chat and exchange wedding gifts...and he reads her a poem entitled Somewhere I've Never Travelled. Kelly gets teary and tells him it's beautiful...then finally comes right out and says she no longer has any desire to become his missus. Brandon's like, "Phew! Me neither!" and Kelly scrunches her face concernedly and asks, "What do we do?" ... and Brandon contemplatively stares into space while the scene fades out for a commercial break.
Kelly and Brandon inform Donna and Steve that the wedding's off - but that it's all good 'cause the guests just want them to be happy (but will want refunds for the wedding gifts they purchased). Donna thinks that their sudden change of heart is completely nonsensical, given that much of Season 8 was structured around their relationship and was slowly building toward a grand finale wedding, but Kelly reminds her that she's her maid of honor and therefore needs her blind loyalty and support. With that settled, Brandon and Kelly enter the church and then stride together, hand in hand, to the altar. They thank everyone for coming, then announce that they've decided to not get married after all. As the guests are all, "Oooooh! Whaaaaa?!" Kelly assures everyone that this was a mutual decision...and that they should all retreat to the Walsh house and celebrate their non-wedding with tasty food, good friends, and lively music.
Sarah appears at the non-wedding reception and tells Steve that her weekend in New York with Matt was so terrible that she decided to return home and come barking up his tree again. She apologizes for hurting him and asks for his forgiveness, but Steve sullenly retorts, "I dunno. There's something to be said for having a little dignity" and then stalks off with the tiny scrap of dignity he managed to salvage after acting so embarrassingly needy throughout much of this two hour episode.
Valerie asks David if he would please accompany her to the doctor's office, and he agrees.
Noah tells Donna that he applauds Brandon's/Kelly's decision to nix the wedding, 'cause it'll probably save them a lot of pain down the road. He then tells her he's rethinking his disdain for marriage, and Donna perks up at that and gives him a smooch and a squeeze.
Brandon assures his parents he's totes A-OK about his decision, then goes into the kitchen to talk to Kelly. She happily chirps that she'll have her stuff moved out of his house asap, and he breezily replies, "No rush!" and the two agree to split the cost of the wedding. He tells her she should go on the honeymoon trip they booked and take Donna, and then the two exchange I love yous and head over to the dance floor to slow dance and hug each of their guests...and the whole thing is very confusing and weird.
Valerie is nervously waiting in the clinic for her name to be called...and when it finally is, she declares to David, "It's going to be different after this", then trails behind the doctor to get her results.
Duhn duhn duhn!