Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 8, Episode 29

"Isn't Donna the most breathtakingly exquisite cherub to have ever walked the earth?"

"The Fundamental Things Apply"
Original airdate: 5/13/1998

Episode summary: Donna is crushed when Gwen sabotages her fashion show by spilling red wine on her designs. David dumps Valerie and deals with a bounced check from one of his jingle clients. Kelly and Brandon join forces to locate the long-lost wife of a Bosnian cab driver/doctor.

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Recap: Gwen looks over the sketches in Donna's design book and calls them great, then thanks Donna for inviting her to stay at the beach house while she recuperates from her bullet grazing. Donna admits she mostly did it to keep her away from Noah, and Gwen says she figured that - but nevertheless is glad they've gotten to know each other (though, secretly, not really). Noah drops by to announce that since Donna is such a superb clothing designer, she should host a fashion show! Donna likes the sound of that and starts listing off a fashion show to-do list, which includes 'hire models'. Gwen suggests she be one of the models, 'cause who better to showcase a line of stunning creations than the stunning creator herself! Noah gets in on that nauseating action and agrees that Donna is gorgeous and talented enough to pull it off - and Donna fake protests and pretends she's far too modest to be prancing around a runway in skimpy attire...despite the fact that she regularly prances around the Beverly Hills, 90210 set in boob-baring crop tops and short shorts.

A man rushes into the Wyatt Clinic and informs Kelly that a woman has just given birth inside his cab - but that it's A-OK 'cause he has medical training and was able to safely deliver the baby. When Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" he explains that he used to be a doctor in his native Sarajevo. A few seconds later, the new mother stumbles into the clinic holding her newborn, and Kelly hustles them over to the nearest exam room.
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Valerie asks David how his day in court went, and he glumly tells her he pled no contest and got one year's probation. As he sorts through a stack of mail, Valerie starts gabbling about Brandon's/Kelly's upcoming wedding, and that she thought it might be a good idea if she moved into his apartment - but David is too distracted by the bounced check for $2,000 he just got from Surla's Men's Clothing Store for a jingle he recently wrote for them. When Valerie re-directs his attention to her move-in request, he's like, "I dunno", then admonishes her for being in such a dark place with the whole bone marrow thing during the previous episode. Valerie puts her sad, disappointed face on and shuffles out of the apartment.  

The Walsh house. Steve mocks Brandon for diligently working his way through the honey do wedding preparations list Kelly gave him - that is, until Brandon informs him that one of the items on the list is "ask Steve to be your best man". Steve beams, accepts the honor, and the two press against each other in a manly hug.

​The Peach Pit. Kelly's on the phone with her mother, and the two are bickering about who should/shouldn't be included on the guest list...blah, blah...I don't care. Donna shows Kelly a sketch of the wedding gown she plans to design for her, and Kelly squeals, "Ooooh! I love it!" then asks if they can please talk about something non-wedding related. Donna tells her that her fashion show planning is going very well, and that she's A-OK with Gwen and Noah spending time together as they help her with the logistics.

A spacey looking guy saunters into the diner and asks Valerie if she knows where the venue for the fashion show is, and she irritably points across the room at the After Dark, then makes a beeline over to where Kelly and Donna are sitting. She makes a bitchy comment about the After Dark hosting the fashion show, then snarks, "I didn't know we put on charity events." Donna's like, "Yep" and asks her if she wouldn't mind asking David to DJ for the event. Valerie says she's far too busy for that, 'cause she's spending all of her leisure time looking for a place to live, now that Kelly and Brandon are becoming husband and wife and thereby making her homeless. Kelly smirkily says she figured she'd just move in with David - if he's even interested in living with her, that is. Valerie shoots her the stink-eye and growls, "I wish you and Brandon many weeks of happiness" and storms off. Hee! That's a funny over-estimation of what ends up being a non-marriage, despite the buildup for it all season [spoiler].
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Steve and Sarah meet for a round of golf, and she impresses him with her golfing abilities. When Steve asks her where she learned to play like that, she breezily replies, "My husband taught me." Steve's all, "Wha-a? Husband?" and she goes, "Yeah", leans in and kisses Steve, then explains that she and her husband are currently separated. Steve grins and says that that's his favorite kind of husband. I would think that a divorced kind of husband might be even more of a favorite, but OK. 

Kelly drags Brandon with her to cabbie headquarters to track down Alex, the cab driver who brought the mother and newborn into the clinic the other day. Alex greets her and asks her how the baby is doing - and Kelly says he's fine, then introduces him to Brandon and says he's interested in writing a story about him for the Beat. Alex seems game and offers a brief synopsis of his life: he earned a medical degree, was halfway through his internship in Sarajevo when the war broke out, got wounded and assumed that his wife Katya (also a doctor) had been killed during the shelling. He was flown to the U.S. for medical treatment and became a legal refugee. When Kelly asks him why he's driving a cab and not practicing medicine, Alex explains that he's not certified to be a doctor in the U.S. ... and when Brandon presses him about why he doesn't get himself certified, he gets all flustered and says it's 'cause of the language barrier, then rushes over to the dispatch office. A perplexed Brandon remarks to Kelly that his English sounded pretty good to him.

David heads over to Surla's Men's Clothing to complain about his $2,000 jingle check bouncing. The salesgirl (or whoever) promises to leave a message with Gil Gessler, the flunky who's in charge of finances, to sort out the problem. David puffs up his little chest and snappishly tells her it better get resolved, 'cause if not he's going to contact his attorney. Once he finds one who works cheap.

After Dark. Amid preparations for the fashion show, Gwen tells Donna that the lighting guy wants a quick rehearsal before he leaves, then suggests Donna do a quick lap on the runway so he can test out the lighting. Donna pretends to be too modest for that - but a minute later climbs atop the makeshift runway and struts around in her ultra short skirt. As she hams it up and blows kisses to an audience of admiring workmen (OMFG), a transfixed Noah remarks to Gwen, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" and gushes about how Donna, the most exquisitely lovely cherub who's ever walked the face of the earth, has always been able to do anything she sets her mind to. When the lighting guy is satisfied, Noah rushes over to hug and kiss Donna, while Gwen looks for the nearest trash can she can heave into. [I can only blame Aaron Spelling for this nauseating scene, since I'm pretty sure he strong-armed the writers into regularly inserting in the script this kind of gushy abomination about his giant-headed, talentless daughter.]

David enters the club as a glum looking Valerie works the phones in an effort to find herself a suitable apartment to rent. He says, "We need to talk", then tells her he's officially dumping her 'cause she's too much of a malevolent downer for him to want to hang out with anymore. Valerie is jarred by the news and gets teary.

The Walsh house. Kelly's on the phone, bickering again with her mother about the wedding guest list...blah blah...I still don't care. Brandon, meanwhile, is attempting to locate Alex's wife, Katya, but so far hasn't had any luck. Steve enters the kitchen to announce that Sarah is currently separated from her husband and that he really really likes her. Kelly urges him to tread carefully and maybe not completely ignore the red flags flapping all around him, since it usually takes people a long time to get over a spousal breakup.

​David phones Surla's again and is irked that the Case of the Bounced Check still hasn't gotten sorted out. Valerie arrives at the apartment with an empty cardboard box and glumly tells David she's here to collect the rest of her stuff and also return his spare key. When she gets snarky at him for dumping her in so heartless a fashion, he reminds her that she was the one who messed this up and that he'd prefer for their breakup to be amicable. Valerie's like, "Fat chance" and stomps down the hall to collect her stuff. 

The Beverly Beat. Brandon harps on Alex to get himself certified so he can practice medicine in the States, but Alex says he has no interest in being a doctor anymore if his wife is no longer around.

The Peach Pit. Steve asks Sarah why she and her husband split up, and she said it's 'cause he cheated on her...and she can't bring herself to forgive him for the extramarital doink. Steve clucks sympathetically, but admits that selfishly he's glad she's so unforgiving. 

David runs into Noah and Donna in the After Dark parking lot and informs them that he and Valerie broke up, and that he may not be up for DJing at the fashion show. Donna coos sympathetically while caressing his arm...and Noah grimly watches, but doesn't say anything. 

The photographer of the fashion show, Johnny, introduces himself to Valerie while she's getting some paperwork done. He smarmily tells her that when he saw her yesterday he thought she was one of the models, and she rolls her eyes derisively, barks, "Save it!" and says she's not in the mood to be hit on. While stomping off, she runs into Gwen, who tells her she's bummed 'cause she's in love with Noah, who's in love with Donna. She asks Valerie what she should do 'bout that, so Valerie points out that the fashion show will be one of the biggest events in Donna's career...then motions toward a bottle of red wine that's sitting on a nearby table and says that that stuff could really stain an  outfit. Gwen saunters off and mulls over the overt suggestion while Valerie grins evilly to herself.   

​Beach house. Gwen gets a phone message from Donna asking her to please call journalist Chrissa Said and invite her to the fashion show so she'll - hopefully - write an editorial about the grand event. Gwen makes a face and hits delete, and also discards the note that Donna stuck on the fridge that had Chrissa's phone number on it. When Noah arrives a few seconds later, Gwen tells him that Donna spilled the beans to her about her car accident and pill-popping addiction...then expresses fake concern about Donna possibly relapsing while she prepares for this very stressful fashion show. Donna arrives home and asks Gwen if she was able to get a hold of Chrissa, and Gwen fibs and tells her that Chrissa won't be able to make it. Donna scrunches her big face in disappointment and shuffles off down the hall to her bedroom.  

The Beverly Beat. Alex is getting irked with Brandon's relentless efforts to track Katya down. He tells Brandon that when he arrived in the U.S. he registered with various agencies - Red Cross, Immigration Services - and that if Katya were alive, she would have had no problem finding him by now.  

The Peach Pit. David is chowing down on an artery-hardening lunch when he hears the jingle he wrote for Surla's play on the radio. He races over to the nearest pay phone and calls the radio station to bitch about how Surla's has the nerve to use his jingle without paying for it.

Noah finds Valerie sleeping on the couch in the After Dark office. He extends his sympathies regarding her breakup with David, and she insists that she's a good person who didn't deserve to get dumped in so callous a manner. When Noah asks her if she's OK with David DJing for the fashion show, she assures him she can handle having to be around him for the evening.

David gets miffed when the radio station DJ won't let him go live on the air and cuss out Surla's...and Nat explains that the DJ probably doesn't want to make one of the station's sponsors look bad. David scrunches his face angrily, mutters, "I'm going to do something about this!" and races out of the diner. Godspeed, David. And please sort this out off-camera, 'cause I don't have a shit that's small enough to give over your bounced check woes.

Fashion show! We get a montage of various models strutting down the runway while decked out in Donna's shittastic designs. She giddily tells Noah it looks like everything is going great - but a few minutes later, Gwen comes over holding a stained wedding gown and looking mournful. She tells Donna that a bunch of her clothes mysteriously got ruined with red wine, and Donna's like, "Oooooh nooooo!" so Noah suggests she replace them with the clothing samples that are being stored in the office. Donna tells him they haven't been fitted to the models, then snaps at him to stop pushing so hard. Valerie, who's watching all the chaos unfold from across the room, grins to herself in amusement. 

The Walsh house. Brandon, Kelly, and Janet put their heads together to try to think of all the ways in which they could track down Katya before the credits start rolling. After they give up for the night, Steve enters the kitchen to introduce Sarah to Brandon and Kelly. Sarah compliments Brandon on his article in the Beat about Alex, and waxes on about how romantic the story about the long-lost couple is, and says that she believes there's someone for everyone. For some reason, this gets Brandon thinking about a new angle in his search for Katya. 

After Dark. As Donna sadly stares at the pile of stained clothes, David comes over to give her the results of his impromptu investigation: no unauthorized person was backstage during the show, so anyone could have spilled the wine. Valerie smirkingly asks David what happened, and he gets annoyed at her 'tude and snarks, "Just 'cause you're miserable doesn't mean that everyone else has to be." As he storms off, Johnny comes over and asks, "Long night?" and Valerie retorts, "Long life." Emboldened, Johnny asks her if she wants to talk about it, and she just continues standing with her back to him, smirking to herself.

After a romantic dinner, Steve walks Sarah to her door. She remarks that this is the part where she's supposed to invite him to come inside, then reminds him she's married and goes on about how she hasn't been with anyone since her separation. Steve's like, "Hmm hmm" as he caresses her neck, and she leans toward him and gives him a big smooch...then pulls him inside the lobby of her building. 

After Dark. Johnny tells Valerie he really likes talking to her and thinks she's totes awesome. He asks her if she'd like to walk over to his place and indulge in a no-strings-attached type doink, and she grins and replies, "Lead the way."

Valerie wakes up in Johnny's bed the next morning as Johnny is spacily getting dressed. He tells her he has to get going, and that she should lock the door behind her when she leaves. When she looks at him with a quasi crestfallen expression, he reminds her that they both agreed this wasn't a big deal, then coldly says, "See you around" and shuffles out the door. Valerie gets up and snoops around, and is aghast when she finds a drawer filled with needles and hoses. She stares into space with a look of horror etched on her face and moans, "Oh my God.."

Brandon finds Alex at cabbie headquarters...and just as Alex starts bitching at him for harassing him about getting certified, Brandon points over to the dispatch office - and out walks Katya! Hurray! Apparently, Brandon and Kelly were somehow able to locate her off-camera, and then rush her over to cabbie headquarters in time for a tearful reunion with her beloved. Alex is all, "Wha-a!??" and races over to his long-lost wife...and the two kiss, hug, and canoodle. Brandon tells Alex he recalled that he told him he fell in love with Katya at the ballet, so he and Kelly looked into Bosnian people who work for American ballet companies...and voilà! Katya gushes about her joy in finding her husband, then gabbles about how simple and lovely their wedding was: a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine. Kelly looks impressed by the simplicity of such a low key affair...and when her cell phone rings and Jackie's name pops up, she declines to answer the call.

David arrives at Surla's (fuuuuuuuuuuuck) after the clerk tips him off that Gil Gessler is there. David pretends to be in need of a whole new wardrobe, and an unwitting Gil offers to help him out.

After Dark. Gwen snarkishly tells Valerie she never should have listened to her about staining Donna's designs and says she hates herself now. Valerie barks back that everyone has to be accountable for their actions, and that she should have thought about that before. Noah, who's been covertly eavesdropping behind a nearby door, storms over to Gwen and confronts her about ruining Donna's fashion show. Gwen says she's glad he knows, and that when she read the magazine article referring to him as an eligible bachelor, she didn't expect to find a giant-headed girlfriend in the picture. Noah angrily tells her she's going to have to live with what she did...and Gwen tearfully says it's probably time she went home now, and Noah's like, "Well d'yuh" and storms away.

David's new wardrobe at Surla's comes to just under $2,000. He pulls out the bounced check for his jingle services and hands it to Gil, and Gil's all, "Wha-a?" and asks if this is a joke. David says he could call the police - 'cause one way or another he's getting paid for providing the store with a jingle. A sheepish Gil tells him to enjoy the clothes, and David scoops up the pile of pants and shirts, thanks him, and leaves. Boring-as-fuck crisis resolved.

The Beverly Beat. Sarah drops by the newsroom to bring Steve some tea, and tells him she started drinking it after she separated from her husband. When Steve says he's starting to hate the word husband, she tells him his name is Matthew...oh, and speaking of Matthew, he left her a message last night, requesting that she attend couples counselling with him. She tells Steve she agreed, but would still like to continue seeing him. That seems like a pretty weird arrangement, but Steve sees nothing amiss with that and tells her he definitely likes the sound of that. 

Beach house. Noah drops by to tell Donna that Gwen was the one who sabotaged her fashion show by ruining her designs. Donna's all, "Wha-a?!" then gets angry at Noah for continuing to defend her. He argues that Gwen is still his friend, albeit a really mixed up friend, and that he has no intention of just abandoning her. Donna snarks that she wants to be alone to stew, so Noah beats a hasty retreat.

Valerie calls a sex/druggie hotline to learn about the risks of sleeping with a guy who uses needles and hoses. She tells the person on the other end she has no idea if he shares needles or if he's HIV positive...and looks increasingly panicked and wigged out. As she probably should. 

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