Recap: Donna and Noah are aboard his boat home, discussing the upcoming West Beverly High fifth year reunion. Seems a little soon for a reunion; it makes way more sense to wait at least ten years. Noah waves around a booklet titled Class of '93: Where Are They Now? [for the most part, still on the same fucking TV show]. The booklet appears to be a compilation of blurbs on each '93 graduate, including stuff like who they're currently dating and, in Donna's case, a question as to whether or not Aaron Spelling ever allowed her cherry to get popped. Donna shrieks in mortification and snatches the booklet away from Noah.
David is irked at the blurb that Valerie wrote about him. He's annoyed that she described him as a rock star - bwahahahahaha! - since all he's currently doing is writing condom jingles. Valerie points out that technically he was a rock star (though not really) when she wrote the blurb, but David argues that it's no longer (or ever was) an accurate description of his livelihood, and that he finds his repeated failures humiliating. As well he should.
Kelly and Brandon arrive at LAX to pick up Ahn-drea. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. As they wander around the airport, Kelly reads the Class of '93: Where Are They Now? booklet and is pleased to see that she's rated "the cutest", which probably shouldn't please and amuse a mid-twenties career woman as much as it seems to please and amuse her.
Ahn-drea is on an airport pay phone, arguing with Jesse about how she doesn't want to change diapers for the rest of her life, wah wah.. Too bad, idiot. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to have unprotected sex with someone you barely knew, and then say yes to a shotgun wedding just to save face. When she sees Kelly and Brandon ambling towards her, she abruptly changes her tone and pretends that everything in her crumbling marriage is A-OK before hastily getting off the phone to greet her 90210 pals.
The reunion committee, which includes Donna, is going over the last minute arrangements for the big event. Michelle (the committee chair) asks Donna about the status of her virginity (the fuck??) and Donna mercifully changes the subject to the musical entertainment portion of the evening and says she booked David Silver - bwahahahaha! - and says it with a straight face, as though he's someone who would actually require a formal booking. Michelle saucily asks her if she "gave it up" for David when his song hit #1, and Donna deflects answering the question, which is nauseating on every level, by telling her that David currently has a girlfriend named Valerie. Michelle moves on and discusses the keynote speech and recommends Ahn-drea for the task, then makes a blech face and adds, "Even though she's not my fave." [She's no one's fave, Michelle.] Once the business part of the meeting is complete, the committee members dish about who will be taking who to the reunion. Michelle says she just read an article in MetroLA magazine about a rich hunky hunk named Noah Hunter, who's been declared LA's most eligible bachelor. Donna's all, "Wuh?", grabs the magazine, and tells the committee that Noah is her boyfriend...and is dismayed when Michelle smugly informs her that he's described in the article as "single and fancy free".
The Beverly Beat. Steve whines to Janet that the Class of '93: Where Are They Now? booklet is filled with lies and trashtalk about him, namely a prediction that he's going to show up at the reunion with a bosomy bimbo. Brandon arrives with Ahn-drea (ugh), and Steve rushes over and gives her a hello hug, then starts browsing through the stack of photos of Hannah that Ahn-drea hands him. Ahn-drea glances around the newsroom and says it's all very impressive, and Brandon tells her they've covered many important, topical issues in the Beat, such as sweatshops, teen prostitution, gay adoption, and whatever Sex and the City type schlock Emma Bennett was writing for them before she doinked Brandon and got herself fired. Ahn-drea asks Steve if it's really true that he's bringing a bimbo to the reunion, and Janet throws all good taste and common sense to the wind when she announces that she's Steve's date. Steve's all, "Wuh?" then quickly introduces her to Ahn-drea, who smilingly remarks that romance must be blooming in this newsroom. Everyone stares awkwardly at each other.
After Dark. Donna storms into the club clutching the current issue of MetroLA. She snarks at Noah for being newly crowned LA's newest most eligible bachelor...and he's all, "Wuh?" and says he was told that the story would be focused on young entrepreneurs. Donna snappishly says she doesn't buy that, and is super pissed off that the article classified him as single...and when Noah mentions that the interviewer was a woman, she has an even bigger fit and storms off in a rage. The danger of overdosing notwithstanding, Donna really should consider re-medicating herself.
Valerie urges David to take her to the reunion, but he says he has no desire to do that 'cause he's too busy writing his condom jingle. Valerie says she likes the idea of showing up at a reunion of a high school she didn't attend - plus, the committee wants a "name act" to provide musical entertainment, and naturally she volunteered him for the job. I'll assume that's how Donna "booked" him. LOL.
Beach house. Kelly, Brandon, and Ahn-drea are drinking wine and cackling over the blurbs in the Class of '93: Where Are They Now? booklet. Brandon tells Ahn-drea that the reunion committee decided that she should deliver the keynote speech (nice of them to not give her any notice) - and she suddenly wigs out and wails, "I can't do that!" She gets tearful and tells them that she and Jesse are getting divorced...and Brandon and Kelly stare back at her in shock until Kelly envelopes her in a comforting hug.
The Peach Pit. Donna is finishing an artery-hardening breakfast when Noah enters the diner and asks her where she was last night. She cryptically says, "Reunion stuff", and Noah insists that he told the magazine interviewer all about their shitty relationship, and that he genuinely had no idea he was in the running for "eligible anything". Donna asks him if he'd consider going to the reunion as her date, and Noah makes a blech face and says she's asking him for all the wrong reasons. Oh Noah. You're a good looking, friendly, wealthy young fellow and could probably get any woman you want. For the love of all that is holy, flee already!!
Brandon and Ahn-drea go on a morning jog together. He suggests that she and Jesse undergo couples' therapy - but Ahn-drea wearily says they've tried that, along with a trial separation. She even went so far as to drop out of med school to keep her family together - but none of it helped distract Jesse from the grim reality that his wife has a grating personality, is generally unbearable to be around...and that if he stays married to her, the only thing he'll have to look forward to is the sweet release of death. Ahn-drea wistfully tells Brandon she's envious of him 'cause he has his whole life ahead of him, and Brandon gives her a funny look and says, "So do you. You're twenty-two." She moans, "I feel forty-two", which sounds about right, since in 1998, Gabrielle Carteris was way closer to age forty-two than twenty-two.
The Beverly Beat. Steve thanks Janet for bailing him out by agreeing to be his pretend date to the reunion...but Janet says she's excited to go and will try to look her best for him. Steve awkwardly tries to clarify that even though they're going together they won't actually be together...and when Janet looks visibly dismayed that the date is really a non-date, Steve backpedals and assures her it is, in fact, a real date (though not really).
Valerie assures David that the reunion won't be so bad, and that she'd looove to attend something where people don't automatically think of her as a shameless slut, but rather someone who's lovable. David dutifully tells her that he sees her as lovable...and after some more hemming and hawing, he finally throws in the towel and agrees to attend.
Reunion night! Brandon tells Steve that Janet is excited to be his date for the reunion, but Steve just shrugs and says he hopes she's fully aware that it's actually a non-date date. Based on his conversation with Janet a few scenes ago, I doubt that seriously. Donna arrives at the Walsh house and announces that their limo is ready. Valerie asks her if Noah is coming...and when Donna says he won't be joining them this evening, Valerie jokes that he'll probably spend the evening cruising for chicks, him being so eligible and all. David arrives, and for some reason starts singing his latest jingle when Valerie answers the door...which, please stop, David. After that, Ahn-drea makes her appearance (ugh) and dispenses hello hugs to David and Valerie.
Steve picks up Janet, who looks lovely in a back cocktail dress. He stupidly tells her he wasn't able to get off his duff and buy her a corsage, and figured a limp bouquet of carnations would suffice.
West Beverly High. Some girl named April greets Kelly and Brandon and squeals about her impending nuptials to Ross Webber...and then Ross Webber ambles over, greets his former schoolmates, and tells Kelly she's "as cute as ever". Kelly looks aghast and shoots him a covert stink-eye, then slips away so she can look even more aghast and shoot him a more overt stink-eye from across the room.
Valerie is chatting with Michelle and Donna, trying to pass herself off to Michelle as a do-gooder who works with the poor...and for some reason Donna doesn't take the opportunity to enjoy a little payback by blowing the whistle on her bullshit story. Michelle turns to Donna and asks her where her hot boyfriend is, and Valerie interjects and says he's probably holding court at the After Dark. She then smarmily tells Donna he'd never cheat on her, judging by the cheap junk jewelry he's been giving her lately. Donna glares at her and storms off.
Steve and Janet are getting their photo taken by the official reunion photographer when a hot blonde named Rhonda comes over and tells Steve that they used to be in chemistry lab together. Steve has no recollection of her from high school, but clearly likes what he's seein' now.
Michelle somehow believes the nonsense about David being a rock star (she's never heard of) and fawns all over him, and Valerie pokes at David and urges him to play along.
Steve ditches Janet to hang with Rhonda, who's brazenly flirting with him. When Janet gets a moment alone with Steve, she snarkishly thanks him for introducing her to to his friend, and Steve sheepishly apologizes and asks her to dance. As they dance, Rhonda eyes Steve hungrily and gives him a sexy wave.
Valerie bullcacks to everyone about how she met David the Rock Star in Japan while she was eking out a living ladling soup to homeless Japanese people. A puzzled looking Ahn-drea asks Kelly if she knew about Valerie's faux altruism, and Kelly smirkingly says no while Brandon rolls his eyes and goes to the bar for another drink.
Rhonda dangles a key at Steve and tells him it's for the boys' locker room...then sexily coos about how she wants to take a late night shower with him, and that he should meet her there in fifteen minutes. After she sashays off, Janet comes over and reminds Steve that he's supposed to be on a date with her...and when Steve stupidly retorts, "Yeah...but it's not a real real date", Janet storms off in disgust. Run, Janet! You're far too nice, pretty and smart for a moron like Steve. Runnnn!!
Ahn-drea has stepped outside to fret over her keynote speech, and Brandon strolls over to bitch about how everyone at the reunion is bullshitting each other about their lives. He then urges Ahn-drea to 'fess up to everyone about her impending divorce, and she snarks at him for giving her sanctimonious edicts and constantly second-guessing her life decisions. He tells her he's only trying to help, then sheepishly admits to cheating on Kelly with an awful helmet-headed redhead. Ahn-drea's like, "Oh? Are you planning on making that public?" and when Brandon goes, "Of course not!" she snaps, "Then why should I?" Fair point. And damn you, Brandon, for making me take Ahn-drea's side.
After Dark. Donna sneaks into the club's bathroom and overhears two skanks cackling about how much they'd love to hook up with a rich hottie like Noah.
Kelly is moping by a row of lockers when Valerie saunters over. She tells Kelly she's greatly enjoyed playing Miss Goody Two Shoes all night...then glances at the wall and notices that "Kelly is a slut" has been etched into one of the tiles. Kelly confirms that it does, in fact, refer to her...and that it's all due to Ross Webber, along with a school administration who figured it was perfectly acceptable to have something like that on display in the hall year after year. Kelly tells Valerie the sad tale of how Ross doinked her in the bushes, then left her in the dirt and never spoke to her again...and how, shortly afterwards, the entire school knew what had happened, which resulted in her getting a reputation for being easy. She looks incredulous as she exclaims, "Tonight he tried to shake my hand!" OK...stop. I thought Steve was the one who had spread all those rumors about Kelly being a slut, as was evidenced in Season 7's Here We Go Again episode in which the major storyline was Steve confessing, years after the fact, to being the creepy culprit:
It's finally time for Steve's needless, contrived heart-to-heart with Kelly. He puts on his tortured face again and tells her that the first time they doinked was the first time he'd ever doinked anyone. Kelly looks surprised and says she had no idea...and he says it was a big deal to him, but that it didn't really seem all that important to her. He then hangs his head in shame and tells her he "did something" after they broke up...then admits he was the one who spread rumours about her being a slut, and that he told whoever would listen that she'd eagerly ride anyone's baloney pony. Kelly looks incredulous that he was the one to blame for her bad rep in high school, then calls him a bastard and wails, "Do you know how long I had to live with that? Do you know how long that followed me? The worst part is, I became that girl. I became the slut that everyone thought I was!"
The skanky girls who were in the After Dark bathroom flirt with Noah - but when he doesn't reciprocate, one of them throws a drink at him. He promptly throws them out of the club, then spots Donna skulking around. He chides her for spying on him, and she contorts her face into a hurt expression and flees.
Michelle takes the stage and introduces David as "West Beverly's own rock star" - bwahahaha! - and David starts singing that awful, low energy song he sold to Jasper's Legend...and somehow people bob their heads to the beat and look all into it as they pretend it's remotely danceable. That song makes me wistful for David's rapping, circa Season 2.
Steve frolics over to the boys' locker room for some shower sex with Rhonda. He sees that she's left a note written in lipstick ordering him to get naked, and like the cluelessly boneheaded horndog he is, he strips down and starts lathering up.
Ross Webber flirtily introduces himself to Valerie and asks her how she came to work for the poor, and she launches into an unrelated diatribe about her very painful faux experience in the ninth grade. She sadly whimpers, "Some guy took me into the bushes and never spoke to me again" then says he blabbed about it to all the guys, but has probably forgotten all about it now. When Ross starts to look queasy, Valerie glares at him and snarks in a low voice, "People are onto you. People in this room." Ross glances around anxiously...and when he sees Kelly shooting him the stink-eye, he gets so wigged out that he drops the drinking glass he's holding. LOL. After he scuttles off, Kelly raises her glass to Valerie, toasting her for a job well done.
Steve is still lathering it up in the shower when Rhonda arrives, fully clothed. She tells him she's been waiting for this moment for years, then asks him if the name "Gomer" rings a bell. Steve scrunches his face in puzzlement and says he can't recall any Gomer at West Beverly, so Rhonda tells him he used to call her that when she was a geek with no boobs...which is unfortunate, 'cause he obviously had no idea she'd eventually blossom into such a fox. She declares that it's time for revenge, then grabs his clothes and scampers out of the locker room.
Michelle introduces Ahn-drea as the keynote speech giver...but Ahn-drea has one of her usual stupid, anxiety-laden freakouts, so Brandon hastily fills in and takes the stage. He bloviates to his classmates about how much he wanted to be Ahn-drea during high school (say WHAT??!!) 'cause she was the brightest, wittiest student who always got the best grades. He's mad as a hatter, this boy.
Kelly takes a sledgehammer to the "Kelly is a slut" tile, and Valerie applauds her. It remains unclear why Kelly didn't think to do that prior to Season 1.
Brandon continues his insanity-filled keynote speech, yammering about being unable to control events, and the importance of standing by friends. He then toasts, "To the truth" - and David interrupts and says he has a confession he'd like to make, then needlessly admits that his career isn't what it seems. He starts performing his condom jingle to a very confused audience...but once they get a clue that he's doing this to demonstrate how humble he is about his current life situation, they clap in earnest. Unfortunately, this reaction emboldens David into performing more of his shittastic jingles...which, yeesh. I'd be surprised if any of them actually earns him a nickel.
Noah arrives at the reunion and canoodles with Donna...and is noticed by nosy Michelle.
Naked Steve is skulking around backstage. Not sure why he'd think that would be a good idea.
Some dud asks Ahn-drea to dance and mentions that he just got divorced...and she perks up and is all, "Wuh? Divorced..? Hmm..."
Someone backstage lifts the curtain and exposes Steve in all of his naked glory, save for a small towel he's using to hide his frontal naughties. Everyone bursts out laughing at the spectacle...and when Steve is all, "Ah fuck it!" and takes the towel away, somehow the laughing gives way to cheering, along with squeals of delight from Kelly. Steve takes the applause as a YUGE compliment and proudly struts off stage. Um...OK.
A clothed Steve heads over to Janet's house to apologize for treating her so horribly all evening, and hands her the corsage he was too lazy and inconsiderate to give her earlier. He admits to screwing the pooch on their date and asks her if she'd consider going out with him again, but Janet tearfully says she doesn't think that that would be a good idea; however, she'll see him at work on Monday. She then closes the door in his face, which was very awesome. Haha!
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