Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 8, Episode 25

"I saw it at a flea market and thought it would go perfectly with your botched boob job."

"All That Glitters"
Original airdate: 1/4/1998

Episode summary: Donna gets miffed when she thinks that Noah is trying to pass off gifts of junk jewelry as valuable gems. Kelly gets involved in the life of a developmentally challenged young man and worsens his situation until Brandon steps in. Jill breaks up with Steve when she realizes they have nothing in common.

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Recap: Brandon is primping in the bathroom and tells Kelly he's totes nervous about his upcoming meeting with Peter Raitt, one of the nation's hottest journalists. Please. He can't be that hot if he's meeting with a faux journalist like Brandon. Kelly tells him to chillax about the meeting, and he snaps that he doesn't want to chillax 'cause he takes his career [and himself waaaay too] seriously. He stomps down to the kitchen, where a disheveled looking Steve is scarfing down a bowl of cereal. He needlessly informs Brandon that he and Jill "went four rounds last night" and Brandon makes an ew face and tells him to lay off the TMI. Brandon is irked that Jill is overstaying her welcome by crashing at Casa Walsh for an entire week and counting...and speaking of Jill, she breezes into the kitchen with a satisfied, afterglowish smile on her face. She kisses Steve good morning, but frowns disapprovingly at his bowl of cereal and declares that she's going to make him a real breakfast. Kelly appears in the doorway and asks Brandon for his car keys so she can move his car and get to work, then makes a snarky remarks about how she knows his time is soooo valuable. Brandon says he's refusing to get into an argument with her this morning, and is irked at her for having the nerve to mock his insufferable sanctimoniousness. 

Boat. Donna is getting ready to go to a meeting downtown when Noah presents her with a bracelet. She giggles and is all, "Ooooh wow!" so then Noah, emboldened by her reaction, asks her if she'd like to move in with him. She's like, "No can do" and cites the disastrous experience she had living with David, then explains that she promised herself that the next time she moves in with a guy, it'll be for keeps. No more free milk flowing from this cow. She then admires her lovely new bracelet and tells him how much she looooves it and looooves him, and the two start smooching. 

David is playing his synthesizer when Valerie drops by. She says she really likes the sound of what he's playing, and he proudly says, "I wrote it for you!" He tells her he's so happy to be writing his own shittastic music again that it's giving him the impression he's finally headed in the right direction. Valerie says she's happy for him, then tells him she met with Kyle Scott: movie director and film festival winner. She slipped Kyle one of his (David's) music tapes...and he was so impressed he said he'd be very interested in working with David on an upcoming film project - cause, yeah, that's remotely plausible. He then followed up and called her to set up a meeting with David...and David's all, "Woo hoo!" and thanks her for helping make his music dreams come true.

Wyatt Clinic. A developmentally challenged teenager named Chris scampers in, makes a beeline over to Kelly, and orders her to tell his mom he can stay. When the mom trails in a few seconds later, she explains to Kelly that she's no longer able to drive Chris to work for his evening shift because of her work schedule...and Chris is all bummed 'cause he's trying to save enough money to rent his own apartment. Kelly asks the mom if she'd be able to drive him to the clinic for the day shift, but the mom says she has no time to discuss any of this 'cause she's already late for work. Kelly offers to call the foundation's director to inquire about a day shift for Chris, but the mom bitchily snaps, "You're not helping!" Kelly backs off and assures Chris that somehow everything will turn out A-OK.

David drops by Barnett Studios to meet with Kyle Scott. Kyle tells David he'd like to join forces with him to produce a commercial, and David looks shocked and actually has the temerity to haughtily say, "I thought I'd be working on a film." Kyle somehow refrains from laughing out loud at this brazen jerkoff and says he needs him to write some muzak for Dry and Happy Deodorant, then tosses him a videotape and says the commercial has been shot and just needs some accompanying music. David looks visibly disappointed, as though he's in any kind of position to be picky about a music-related gig. Kyle just shrugs and matter-of-factly says, "Everybody has to eat."

The Peach Pit. Valerie spots Kelly and Donna sitting in a booth together and heads over to wreak a little havoc. She watches Kelly admire Donna's new bracelet, then estimates that it probably set Noah back at least $10,000. Kelly suggests she get it appraised so she can get it insured in case she's mugged, and Valerie perks up at that and offers to set up an appointment with a jeweller.

Brandon meets with Peter Raitt in a hotel restaurant...and Peter brags about his meteoric climb in the world of journalism before the two discuss the new football stadium the city has proposed building. Brandon doesn't like the idea of taxpayers having to foot the bill, and Peter says his writing on the issue has been first rate. Brandon pulls out a stack of papers and says it's all of the research he's done on the stadium, and Peter asks to borrow it and offers to co-write the article with him and give him a shared byline - his own name listed first, of course. Brandon furrows his furry brows and goes, "Deal!"

Kelly drops by Chris' house to deliver some good news: Chris can work the day shift at the clinic starting tomorrow! The mom gets irked and bitches at her for not talking to her about this first, and Kelly's like, "Uh, that's what I'm doing right now." The mom says she's worried that Chris won't be able to function amid the pressures of a crowded clinic and reminds Kelly that he needs a lot of extra help. Kelly promises she'll give him all the help he needs and will ensure that he doesn't get too overwhelmed. The mom mulls that over, then asks Chris if he'd like to work the day shift at the clinic, and he grins happily and says he can definitely handle it. 

The Walsh house. Steve is dismayed at the girlified transformation his bedroom has undergone at the hands of Jill. As he stares in horror at the purple walls, pink bedding, and feminine knick-knacks, Jill reduntantly announces, "I redecorated!" and asks Steve if he minds. He goes, "Nah!" but then notices with alarm that his Shaquille O'Neal poster is gone. He asks her if she threw it away, and she replies, "No, silly. It's in your closet" and assures him she wouldn't throw away any of his stuff. She then barks, "Now make love to me, Steven" and the two quickly hit the pink sheets.

The Walsh house. Valerie and Donna are watching the jeweller as he silently appraises Donna's bracelet. Valerie says she can't wait to learn how much dough Noah spent on her, while Donna pretends she's only interested in this information for insurance purpose - to which Valerie rolls her eyes and sarcastically says, "Right." The appraiser wraps it up and says the thing is worth twenty, maybe twenty-five...then pauses and emphasizes, "Dollars." In other words, worthless. Valerie does her best not to laugh too hard, and snidely tells Donna that maybe Noah doesn't love her as much as she thinks he does. A red-faced Donna insists it doesn't matter to her how much the bracelet costs 'cause she knows for sure that Noah loves her. After she flounces out of the house, David drops by to angrily report to Valerie that Kyle offered him a job as a deodorant commercial muzak writer. He should be so lucky. He stares at her with incredulity and asks if she really thinks he's nothing more than a musician hack who's willing to do anything for a buck. Valerie swears she didn't know the job was for a commercial, and David haughtily snaps, "I don't do armpit music", tells her not to do anymore favors for him, then storms off like the imperious little prick he's suddenly morphed into this episode. Valerie stares after him in dismay, thinking, "There goes one delusional wannabe musician hack." No, wait - those were my thoughts.

Wyatt Clinic. Kelly is showing Chris how to file paperwork...and so far things are going smoothly.

​The Beverly Beat. Steve is complaining to Brandon about how Jill put his Shaquille O'Neal poster in the closet, pauses sex to relight her scented candles, and calls him Steven. He's pretty sure she's more in love with the idea of love than she is in love with him - well d'yuh - and says he's going to talk to her about it. A few seconds later, Jill pops by the newsroom and goes, "Steven..?" and when an irked Steve grunts something unintelligible, she tells him she got them tickets to see Madame Butterfly tonight. Steve masks his horror at the idea of being subjected to the opera and coos, "I loooove opera!"

After Dark. David drops by to apologize to Valerie for his cunty outburst earlier and invite her to lunch. He mentions that, implausible as it may be, he keeps getting royalty checks from Jasper's Legend for that grisly song he sold to them...and Valerie's like, "Well that's interesting" then tells him she's in the process of doing his taxes and discovered that he owes Uncle Sam around $8,000 from when he sold the After Dark to Noah. David's like, "Ack!" and says his royalty checks are usually only a few hundred bucks.

Peter Raitt meets Brandon and Kelly for lunch...and he tells Brandon he scored an interview with Tom Rosen, a wealthy real estate developer. Brandon looks impressed and says he wasn't able to even get Tom to call him back. He says he has more research statistics, and Peter thanks him and says they'll be a great addition to their story. Kelly pipes up and says she has a great story idea, then proceeds to tell Peter all about Chris, and how the lad works full time, despite being developmentally challenged, and is saving up for his own place. Peter shrugs disinterestedly and says it's definitely too soft for his taste, but concedes it could make a good human interest piece for a reporter who's on a much lower rung of the journalism ladder. This prompts Kelly to turn to Brandon and ask if he'd like to meet Chris, and he absently replies, "Uh, yeah...sure." Kelly is dismayed by his lack of interest and says she needs to go back to work now, then privately tells Brandon she's annoyed that he led her to believe Peter would be interested in writing about Chris.

Wyatt Clinic. One of the nurses gives Chris a hard time about filing some papers incorrectly and gets all in his face about it. Chris tearfully explains that the filing cabinet got too full, so he just stuck the papers elsewhere and kept his fingers crossed no one would notice. The nurse snaps that he should have asked someone for help...and when Kelly hears the commotion, she comes running over to see whassup. She tells the nurse that the filing mishap was her fault - but by this time Chris has become so distraught at being reprimanded that he sadly concedes his mom was right about this job being too complicated for him. Kelly tries to comfort him and assures him he won't be fired for such a minor error, but he just snaps, "Leave me alone!" and flees the clinic. 

Boat. Noah presents Donna with a necklace to match her bracelet, then puts it around her neck and happily declares, "It's a set!" As the two stare into a mirror, Noah gushes about how beautiful it looks on her, and she replies in a flat voice, "You shouldn't have" and says he doesn't need to keep giving her worthless junk to demonstrate how he feels about her. He calls the jewelry "a perfect reflection" of how he feels about her, then gives her a smooch...and Donna stares vacantly into space, wondering if by perfect reflection, Noah's hidden message is that he thinks of her as tacky imitation garbage. 

The Walsh house. Steve and Jill return from the opera, say hey to Brandon - who's busy working on the stadium article in the living room - then head upstairs for a romp in the Pink and Purple Room. Kelly returns home and tells Brandon that Chris had a meltdown at work, and that she later found him at the restaurant where his mother waitresses. She feels bad that she had promised the mom nothing would go wrong - and yet it did on the first day. Brandon makes a feeble attempt to pretend to give a rat's ass about any of this and absently says, "You were just trying to help." Kelly then says everything feels out of whack and that it's clear they're headed in different directions. She knows he wants to have a career like Peter Raitt has, and feels guilty that he turned down a newspaper job in San Diego because of her shooting during the season premiere. Brandon insists he has no regrets about that and says he loves her, but she counters, "You love your work" and says it's painful for her to see how unhappy he is with what he's doing...and when Brandon weakly tries to deny it, she says, "It's written all over your face."  

Beach house. Valerie drops by to return Kelly's sweater...which is weird, 'cause doesn't Kelly live in the same house as Valerie now? She asks Donna how Noah reacted when she confronted him about the bracelet being worthless, and Donna smugly replies that Noah loves her and asked her to move in with him. Valerie spots the necklace and advises Donna to also get that appraised...and when Donna refuses and flounces out of the room, Valerie scoops up the necklace and absconds with it. 

The Beverly Beat. Steve declares that he has to break up with Jill, like pronto, 'cause she said something about wanting to get ballet tickets. Brandon advises him to, for once in his pathetic life, break up with a woman before she inevitably dumps him.  

​Kelly drops by Chris' house and apologizes to his mom about what happened at the clinic. The mom is annoyed that she let her talk her into this...and then the two look over at Chris, who's playing a video hockey game. She tells Kelly she doesn't want her son to be disappointed anymore, then remarks on how much he loooves hockey and used to attend games with his brother before he moved out east. Kelly's like, "Hmm..." and sees an opportunity to do some more good.

The Beverly Beat. Steve uses Janet as a stand-in for Jill to practice his breakup speech. As the two role play, Janet advises him to keep it simple. In the next scene, Steve is face-to-face with Jill - but ultimately he chickens out and tells her he really really doesn't want to go to the ballet tonight. She's like, "OK!" and gives him a one month anniversary gift: a photo of herself in a heart shaped frame. He tells her he loves it, and the two start smooching.

Beach house. Valerie drops by to return the necklace she temporarily stole and tells Donna she had it appraised, then gleefully blurts out, "It's a fake! Haha!" She tells her that Noah is making a fool out of her, and Donna yells, "Get out!" and slams the door in her face, then stares at the necklace with a tortured expression on her face.

A skeptical looking Kelly asks Brandon if it's really true that Peter was able to arrange for Chris to get some ice time with the LA Kings tomorrow night, and Brandon assures her it's a done deal. Peter finally arrives, an hour late for their scheduled get together, and announces that he just got a tip on a juicy story in DC he needs to follow up on. Brandon's like, "What about the stadium story?" and Peter says he's going to have to put that on the backburner for now. Kelly's like, "What about Chris skating with the LA Kings?" and Peter makes a face like as if and derisively says he's not about to give up the biggest scoop of the year "so your retarded friend can go skating" then hops into a cab...and hopefully perishes in a fiery car crash on his way to LAX. Kelly glares at Brandon and snaps, "I told you so."

David is playing his synthesizer again, letting the creative juices flow as he attempts to write a score for the deodorant commercial. Valerie drops by and assures him that there's no shame in making a living, and that everyone has to compromise at one time or another. Especially musician hacks with giant egos and tiny scraps of talent.

Donna is out to dinner with Noah when she brings up the delicate matter of how she had the bracelet and necklace appraised - for insurance purposes only, of course - and learned that they're worthless, tacky fakes. Noah nods and says he knows the diamonds aren't real, so Donna reminds him that he described the jewelry as a perfect reflection of how he feels about her. Noah finally has the good sense to get insulted at what she's inferring, and says it looks like they're more of a reflection of how she feels about him and his trust fund. He angrily accuses her of trashing their relationship, so she accuses him of giving her something he tried to pass it off as valuable. He then tells her the complete backstory: the pieces were the only jewelry his dirt poor grandmother ever owned, and - being dirt poor and all - she never would have considered them worthless. He snaps, "And neither do I!" and storms out of the restaurant. Haha...and ouch. 

Brandon and Kelly arrive at Chris' house to deliver the bad news that he won't be able to skate with the LA Kings after all. Chris sadly says, "But you promised" and his mom tries to lift his spirits by telling him they'll find something else that's fun to do. Brandon says they can still go skating, and explains that he has access to a rink where they can skate without anyone else around. Chris perks up and says he likes the sound of that.

The Beverly Beat. Jill drops by the newsroom to tell Steve that she's no longer willing to fool herself into thinking she actually wants to pursue a relationship with him. She says they have nothing in common, and Steve argues that they do, and cites the opera, ballet, and pink bedding - but she stops him and says it's painfully obvious that this isn't working, then gives him one last kiss before leaving his life forever. He wails to Janet about how annoyed he is that he got dumped yet again - and Janet wanks him by telling him he's warm and compassionate and just needs the right woman to appreciate him. She suggests he become friends with a woman before moving on to being lovers...but as she softly caresses his hand, he stupidly wails, "How am I going to find a woman like that?!" She shoots him a stony glare and retorts, "Maybe you're not looking hard enough." Oy. You're a nice, attractive girl, Janet. Surely you can do better than a shallow bonehead like Steve.

Boat. Donna apologizes to Noah for calling his jewelry worthless, then hands it back to him and says she can't accept it after the shameful thing she did...then proceeds to blame the decision to appraise the jewelry on Valerie, who she bitterly says loves to stir up trouble. She asks him why he didn't tell her that the jewelry belonged to his poor-as-dirt grandmother, so he says he was afraid of scaring her off after she refused to move in with him. Apparently, granny told him on her deathbed to give her jewelry to someone he truly loves. Donna whimpers, "I ruined everything.." and starts weeping. She insists she never cared that the jewelry was worthless and pleads, "Pleeeeeease believe me." She then sadly shuffles toward the exit when Noah stops her and says he believes her. He puts the necklace around her neck, and she tearfully tells him it's more beautiful than any necklace with actual diamonds could ever be.

Chris is super excited about getting an entire skating rink all to himself, and squeals with delight when he sees the zamboni.

Barnett Studios. David plays various options of his shittastic music samples for Kyle, who frowns and says he's looking for something more atmospheric. David complains about how hard music writing is, then plays the song he wrote for Valerie. Kyle perks up at the melody and says he looooves it! David explains that he wrote it for his girlfriend, and Kyle says, "That's why it's good." He says all they need to do is speed up the tempo and add some bass and - voilà! - Dry and Happy Deodorant will have its theme music.

Ice rink. Chris and Brandon are having a blast riding around on the zamboni. The mom thanks Kelly for coming through for Chris, and that it means a lot to her.

David tells Valerie that he sold the song he wrote for her to Kyle to use in the deodorant commercial. Valerie gets irked [seriously???] and says, "But the song means a lot to me!" so David promises to write her another one. She poutishly orders him to never sell another of "her" songs again, and he promises...unless the yet unwritten melody would be perfect for a tampon commercial, then all bets are off.

The Walsh house. Brandon gushes about the job he managed to score for Chris at the ice rink. Plus he gets all the free ice time and zamboni rides a developmentally challenged, hockey loving boy could ever want. Kelly says she's thrilled that Chris will now be able to move into his own apartment, then tenderly touches Brandon's hand and thanks him. Brandon acknowledges that he's been very bummed about his stalled career lately - but that Peter unwittingly gave him some much needed perspective on what's truly important. Kelly says she likes the sound of that and tells him she definitely wants to be part of his life's dreams...that is, until their wedding is nonsensically called off, six episodes from now. 

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