Recap: Donna meets up with Noah at the Peach Pit and whines about how no one wants to hire her after she plagiarized another designer's ideas during a pill-popping bender. It's unclear if she's openly admitting this during job interviews, or if word of her misdeed has spread across the LA fashion world. Noah urges her to keep pounding the pavement, and she thanks him for his support.
At the Social Services office, Pam informs Kelly that she's not eligible for guardianship of the abandoned infant 'cause she's not currently an approved foster parent - a process that takes several months. Kelly nonsensically argues, "But I found him! I saved his life!" and Brandon interjects and urges her to let the idea of fostering the tot go and move on with her life. A man enters the office (we'll call him Gene), and Pam introduces him to Kelly as the baby's foster parent. He profusely thanks Kelly for saving the baby - just as another man (we'll call him Kyle) walks in cradling the baby, who they've named Raffael. When Kelly clues into the fact that a gay couple has been given guardianship of the baby, she suddenly gets all pissy. Gene and Kyle gush about how happy they are to have the opportunity to raise little Raffael after all the barriers they've run into while trying to adopt a child. Brandon asks the couple if they'd mind him writing a story about their baby adopting journey in The Beverly Beat, and they like the sound of that idea. Kelly bitchily asks the men if they're truly capable of nurturing a child, them being gay and all, and they stare back at her angrily and snarl that they're under no obligation to answer her judgey questions.
The Beverly Beat. Brandon is busily working on the gay adoption article when Janet hands out invitations to the upcoming ceremony for the Small Press Association Awards. A somber looking Steve announces that the Beat's advertising revenue is down, which means they're going to need a big advertiser to come through if they hope to stay in business...and by big advertiser he means a tobacco company. Brandon vigorously objects to that idea and reminds Steve that cigarettes kill people, but Steve tells him that desperate times call for desperate measures.
LAX. Valerie grumbles to David about how her mom, Michelle Phillips, dropped everything and got on a plane when Brandon called her to inform her about the Josh/Roofie Situation. That was kind of presumptuous of him. When Michelle Phillips emerges from the arrivals gate, she worriedly asks Valerie how she's doing, and Valerie assures her she's fine...and David concurs.
Beach house. Donna is working on some new design sketches when Noah drops by. He checks out her work, looks deeply impressed, and suggests she cut out the middle-man and sell her clothing directly to department stores. As Donna mulls over the implausibleness of that idea, Noah asks her what she would need in order to make that happen...so she tells him she'd need fabric and a team of sweatshop laborers to cut and sew her samples. He offers to put up the cash, and Donna pretends to think it over then wrings her hands about mixing business with pleasure. Noah assures her "it's all pleasure" and gives her a big smooch, and she lets out one of her hmm giggles (haven't heard one of those in awhile - but then Donna hasn't had much to hmm giggle about lately) and takes him up on his generous offer.
Wyatt Clinic. Kelly calls Pam to bitterly complain about her decision to give guardianship of the abandoned baby to two gay men instead of her. Pam patiently explains to the dimwit that Gene and Kyle have been on the adoption waiting list for two years, and that they've patiently gone through the mind-numbing bureaucratic process proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can provide a safe, loving home to a baby. She tells Kelly she can't ask for better than that, but Kelly bitchily retorts, "I can, actually" and says she has a moral responsibility to object to a couple of gays wanting to raise a child. She suddenly notices - ack! - her deadbeat dad saunter into the clinic and barks, "I'll call you back!" and slams down the phone. She rushes over to her dad and asks whaddup with him not being in prison, and he explains that he got time off for good behavior and wanted to surprise her. He gushes about how great it is to be free again and that he wants yet another second chance at a father-daughter relationship.
Steve is hanging out with Jill by the hotel pool, still pretending to be Ted. Someone please explain to me how this is still a storyline.
David and Valerie return to his place - and David notices that he has a new neighbor...and that this new neighbor is playing an electric guitar. He knocks on the door to say hello, and is greeted by a disheveled man scowling at him. David asks, "Are you Woody Sloan?" but the guy just shuts the door in his face. This development is almost as riveting as the Steve/Jill/Ted storyline.
The Beverly Beat. A delivery guy drops by with a packet from a tobacco company, and Brandon furrows his furry brows and sanctimoniously declares that the Beat doesn't do cigarette ads. The delivery guy shrugs and says apparently it does 'cause the Beat publisher signed off on the order - but Brandon says he's overriding Steve's decision and is rescinding the order. When Kelly arrives a few seconds later, Brandon preaches to her about how he can't, in good conscience, run cigarette ads in The Beverly Beat...and Kelly applauds him for sticking to his convictions. Brandon thanks her, but says that her determination to get custody of the abandoned baby is ass-backwards wrong, then adds that he's not ready to be a father. Furthermore, he thinks that a baby would ruin their relationship, and grumbles about how she never even asked him if he wanted this baby in their lives. Kelly barks an angry retort of some kind [sorry, but I sort of zoned out during this scene]...and the two snipe and glare at each other.
Beach house. Donna tells Noah she was so excited about their new venture that she stayed up all night working on her new designs. She tells him they have to work together - meaning that if he hates the fugly clothing she ends up creating, he should feel free to come right out and say so. Noah says he's worried that she's pushing herself too hard, but she assures him she feels great and excitedly reminds him they have several sales calls to make!
David is hanging out in his apartment, listening to Woody Sloan play his electric guitar. He tells Valerie that Woody was a hot guitarist ten years ago, then abruptly left the music scene. Valerie tries to feign interest in this dull-as-fuck subplot and urges him to talk to Woody about how it feels to leave the music business, but David says he doesn't regret his decision to quit...and continues to look intrigued by Woody's playing.
Steve is angry at Brandon for nixing the tobacco ad, so Brandon snarks at him for continuing to deceive Jill...as if that has anything to do with the Beat, and/or is any of his business. After Brandon storms out, Steve calls the tobacco ad guy and tells him that their deal is back on.
After Dark. Michelle Phillips drops by the bar to visit Valerie and make sure she's OK working with Noah again...and Valerie assures her that she and Noah worked out the tiresome roofie storyline to her satisfaction. Bill Taylor enters the bar unannounced, and Valerie shoots him a dirty look and barks, "What the hell are you doing here?" and Bill tells her to lay off the snark and says he's paid for his crimes. When a perplexed Michelle Phillips asks her daughter if everything is OK, Valerie reluctantly introduces them. Bill tells Michelle Phillips that Valerie mistakenly believes he had something to do with her being scammed out of 100K, then schmaltzily invites her out for a drink so he can tell her his side of the story. A smitten looking Michelle Phillips accepts.
Bel Age Hotel. Jill somehow still hasn't twigged onto the fact that Steve isn't Ted, despite him not having a clue about anything he wrote about in their love letters. She coyly asks Steve if he'd like to come into her room, and he's like, "Hell yeah!" and eagerly follows her inside. She invokes their sex fantasy letters, then rips open his shirt and moans, "Ted...Ted..." Steve abruptly stops her and says in a tortured voice, "I have to go" and quickly exits...and Jill stares after him in bewilderment.
Wyatt Clinic. Brandon arrives to pick up Kelly and shows her the latest issue of the Beat, which features a photo of Gene and Kyle posing with their new baby...and Kelly purses her lips disapprovingly and says she's definitely not on board with this abomination. Brandon tells her he's spoken to a number of gay adoption experts who have assured him that the baby will be fine with two dads, but Kelly insists that the baby needs a maternal figure in his life (like herself, for example). She then dials back her bitchitude and admits to acting selfishly when she didn't ask his opinion about fostering/adopting a baby, and he tells her that all is forgiven and that she has his full support. Suddenly, Jessica Alba enters the clinic and tearfully announces to Kelly that she wants her baby back. Kelly's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says she can't talk about this...but when Jessica Alba insists that she wants to raise the tot after all, Kelly smugly beams.
The Peach Pit. Donna and Noah enter the diner, bummed that they struck out with every department store. Donna shows Nat her designs and asks him what he thinks - which is weird, 'cause as if he'd have a clue - and Nat just shakes his head and says he doesn't know the first thing about fashion. Or being a successful restaurateur, for that matter. Noah urges Donna to be patient, but she whines about losing her dream job and says she just wants to go home and decompress.
Social Services. Kelly tells Jessica Alba she's thrilled that she finally realized how precious her baby is and that he belongs with her. Jessica Alba concurs, then explains that she decided to take action after reading Brandon's story about the gay adoption in the Beat [nice going, Brandon] and snidely exclaims, "The idea of my boy being raised by a couple of queers!" Kelly gives her a funny look - as if she wasn't equally as judgey when she learned that two gay men were awarded custody of the tot - and says that Gene and Kyle seemed really nice. Jessica Alba makes a face and jokes about how they'd probably raise him to be a gay ballerina. Kelly tells her that people are born gay, not raised gay, and Jessica Alba's like whatever, then suddenly looks freaked out and asks Kelly what she'd do if she were in her shoes. Kelly sanctimoniously replies, "I wouldn't leave my kid on a doorstep."
The Beverly Beat. Janet asks Steve how his date with Jill went, and he tells her that Jill was all primed to have sex, but he couldn't go through with it while pretending to be Ted. Janet's like, "OK, whatever" and gives him a heads up about how irked Brandon is over the cigarette ads - but Steve stubbornly refuses to budge on the issue. When Brandon overhears this, he packs up his laptop computer and announces that he won't work for a newspaper that runs cigarette ads. Steve argues that if they don't run the ads, the paper will have to shut down...and Brandon shrugs and says, "Then we'll move on." Steve poutishly says, "You'll move on" then laments what a hopeless screw-up he is and that he has nowhere to move on to.
David (yawnnnnnnn) continues to be intrigued by Woody's electric guitar playing, and this time he plays along with his synthesizer. Woody hears him, is all, "Wuh?" and the two indulge in a jamming session.
Bel Age Hotel. Steve finally tells Jill that his name is Steve Sanders, meaning he's not Ted...then explains that Ted's letters were mistakenly delivered to the Beat's building, so he figured, "Why not invade these peoples' privacy and read them?" Jill is furious that he read the intimate content of her letters, slaps him across the face, then flees to her room. Haha!
After Dark. Noah makes a secret arrangement with MayaLee's department store to buy up any of Donna's dresses that don't sell 'cause he wants her brimming with undeserved confidence about her "popular" designs. An oblivious Donna drops by the club looking upbeat about her new career, and she tells Noah how hopeful she is about tomorrow's meeting with MayaLee's.
The Walsh house. David tells Valerie that he and Woody jammed together from their respective apartments...and Val pretends (barely) to give a rat's ass, then changes the subject to her mom's mystery date. A few seconds later, Bill Taylor arrives clutching a rose and tells Valerie he's here to take out her mother. When Valerie's all, "Wha-a-a?!" Michelle Phillips reminds her that Bill had no part of scamming her life savings, then defiantly goes on her date.
Gene (I think it's Gene, but I'm not sure which gay is which) angrily tells Pam he thinks that Jessica Alba is a bigot...so Pam calmly explains that she's the biological mother and therefore has the law on her side. A tearful Kyle (we'll assume he's Kyle) enters the room with the baby, ready to hand him over. Brandon asks the men if they're going to fight this, but they tell him they don't want to put the baby in the middle of a bitter custody fight and/or delay the inevitable. Pam takes the baby from Kyle and carries him over to her office, then places him in the arms of Jessica Alba. Gene and Kyle ask Kelly if she thinks that this teenager will be as good a parent as either of them would have been, and Kelly - who finally looks suitably sheepish - just stares back at them mutely.
The Walsh house. Kelly tells Brandon she now realizes that the baby would have been a lot better off with Gene and Kyle, then explains that she reacted so badly to the gay men getting custody - not because she was, in any way, homophobic, but because she wanted the little gaffer for herself. I guess I can buy that retroactively convenient explanation. Michelle Phillips and Bill Taylor return from their date, looking flushed and happy. They say they have a happy announcement to make, but then the camera suddenly cuts to the MayaLee store...
Donna is stunned and thrilled when the MayaLee buyer tells her she's interested in adding her craptastic dresses to the store's inventory.
Kelly drops by Jessica Alba's house to check up on the baby formerly known as Raffael, and the teenager looks miserable as her baby screeches from somewhere inside the house. She snarkishly asks Kelly what she's doing here, and Kelly presumptuously pronounces that the baby would be a lot better off with the two gays, then lectures her about how parenting is supposed to be all about love. Jessica Alba's mother comes outside with the baby in her arms and bitches at her daughter to take responsibility for the mewling little creature. Jessica Alba tearfully tells Kelly she loves her baby, but Kelly gives her a skeptical judgey stare and goes, "Really? Do you really?"
At the Small Press Association Awards ceremony, Janet urges a feuding Brandon and Steve to keep up appearances by at least pretending to like each other. As the award for Best Investigative Reporting is announced (Brandon doesn't win - haha!), Kelly arrives and grumbles to Brandon that she didn't get anywhere trying to convince Jessica Alba to give her baby to people who are actually capable of raising a child. A few seconds later, Steve is called to the podium to introduce the recipient of the award for All-around Journalistic Awesomeness: Brandon Walsh! Brandon's all, "Wuh" then goes on stage to address the crowd...and makes a firm commitment to keep the Beat going.
Woody Sloan drops by David's apartment to give him a tape of the first song he's managed to finish in five years. The two commiserate about their failed music careers...and after Woody leaves, David puts the tape in his tape deck and hits play. Valerie enters the room, bitching about how her mom and Bill Taylor are going away together for the weekend, and David grunts something unintelligible and forces her to slow dance with him to Woody's craptastic song.
Bel Age Hotel. Steve tries to convince Jill that they were meant to be, but she disagrees and tells him she never wants to see him again. Steve looks resigned to his loveless fate, then says that nothing is more important to him than making her happy, and promises to track down Ted for her. Oh joy.
The Walsh house. Gene and Kyle drop by for a surprise visit with the baby once again known as Raffael, happily gushing about the miracle that just occurred. Apparently, Jessica Alba changed her mind about teenage motherhood, and they were so thrilled by the turnabout that they wanted to share their joy with Brandon and Kelly (despite Kelly's earlier judgeyness). Kelly says she's happy for them and gently touches the baby's head and bids him farewell. After the two men leave, Brandon tells Kelly she did a good thing (but only after doing several dickish things), and she proudly says, "Yeah, I did!" and the two smooch.