Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 8, Episode 14

"Somehow your watch jumped into this boiling pot of water and then got crushed beyond repair by the wooden spoon I'm holding."

"Ready or Not"
Original airdate: 1/7/1998

Episode summary: Emma torments Brandon when it's clear he has no intention of leaving Kelly. Brandon and Steve hire David to cover the music scene for The Beverly Beat. Donna and Noah hit the sheets for the first time.

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Recap: The partying at the After Dark is in full swing, and everyone's merrily drinking and boogying to the live band that's performing on stage. Valerie bitches to Noah that she's the one doing all the work to make the club a success, but is only getting 10% of the profits. Noah just shrugs and reminds her that she agreed to the 10% deal and mockingly adds, "You make good tips."

Emma and her stupid pageboy hairdo flounce over to Brandon's and Kelly's table to drop off the latest installment of her shittastic column. Kelly gets a sneak peek and is appalled when she learns that the "committed guy" Emma's been writing about finally slept with the man-stealing hussy. Kelly cluelessly shakes her head and groans, "That is sooo low" while Emma smirks and tells her it appears as though the guy now conveniently regrets doinking the hussy and cheating on his girlfriend. As Brandon rolls his eyes in annoyance, Emma remarks on how late it's getting...and Kelly checks her watch and tells her it's 11:30pm. Emma stares at the watch, which she recognizes as the one she gave Brandon for Christmas, and exclaims, "Oh my God! That watch!" and Brandon swifly interjects and offers to discuss her column right now. Emma ignores him and asks Kelly where she got the watch, and Kelly tells her that Brandon gave it to her for Christmas.

​The Peach Pit. Noah enters the bathroom and covertly buys a few condoms from the dispenser...while David creepishly watches from behind one of the stalls. When he reveals himself after a few seconds, Noah's like, "Hey, Davey" and says he hopes they're at peace with one another, but David's like, "No way, dude. You took my club and my girl. That's not peace - it's unconditional surrender." He storms out of the bathroom, and when he sees Donna lurking nearby, he brazenly snubs her. A few seconds later, Noah exits the bathroom, and he and Donna get all kissy and cozy with each other. She tells him she scored a job interview with a fashion design company, and he congratulates her and offers to give her a lift home. David watches them leave together and snarks to Valerie that he witnessed Noah stocking up on condoms in the bathroom. Valerie doubts that Donna would hop into bed with him so quickly, then rethinks her position and agrees that it's remotely possible. She asks David if the thought of those two bumping uglies bothers him, and he pretends to not give a rat's ass who Donna hooks up with.

Across the diner, Donna shows Steve her design sketches, and he coos over how awesome they are. Hilary Swank and Zack amble over, and then Hilary Swank starts whining about how she's temporarily homeless while her landlord arranges for her apartment to be earthquake-proofed. Steve offers to let them stay at Casa Walsh (he'll sleep on the couch), but Hilary Swank thinks that might be too confusing for impressionable little Zack. Donna offers to share her beach house since she's got two extra bedrooms, and Hilary Swank takes her up on the offer.

Wyatt Clinic. Dr. Monahan snarkishly asks Kelly if she's capable of giving medical treatment to patients, and when she's like, "Uh, no..?", he rhetorically asks, "Then who do you think is more important to this clinic?" He bitchily warns her to ponder that next time she considers reporting his sexist douchebaggery to a foundation higher-up. Kelly tells him she had spoken to Audrey in confidence and urges him to stop being so weird and grab-handsy with his female colleagues. Dr. Monahan challenges her to take him on, then fake apologizes for offending her "delicate sensibilities". He then warns her of a ghastly scenario: if he gets fired, a doctor far less competent could take over the clinic and cause patients to die...and it'd be all her fault. Eeeek!

Donna and Noah pull into the carwash where David works. Donna sheepishly apologizes to David and tells him she had no idea he worked at this particular carwash, but David doesn't buy it and accuses her of rubbing his nose in the fact that he has a shitty, menial job. He then snarks about how she made him wait seven years before allowing him to pop her cherry...and now she's not even making Noah wait seven weeks to hit the sack. Donna says he's in no position to judge her, particularly after the way he's been flaunting his sexcapades with Valerie...and David comes clean and confesses and says that he and Val have been faking their wild sex just to make her and Noah jealous. He then acknowledges how stupid that is, which...d'yuh.

The Beverly Beat. Terri has eloped and left her job without giving any notice (what an inconsiderate turd), so Brandon and Steve are interviewing a cute young woman named Janet Sosna to be their new production manager. She seems very enthusiastic and hardworking and gives the strong impression that she really really wants the job...and Brandon and Steve look impressed at how hard she's sucking up to them and offer her the position. A few seconds later, Emma enters the room, pouts in Brandon's direction, and sashays over to her desk. Brandon excuses himself from the interview and goes over to her to explain that, due to an unforeseen misunderstanding, Kelly assumed the watch was a Christmas gift for her. Emma snidely asks him if he told Kelly 'the woman I made love to gave it to me' and Brandon apologizes again and says that maybe the two of them working together isn't such a good idea anymore. He tells her she should leave the Beat just as Kelly bursts into the newsroom, bitching about how Dr. Monahan is making her life a living hell. Emma sarcastically advises her to dig her heels in and stay right where she is, then goes, "Right, Brandon?" and Brandon just stares blankly into space with a tortured expression on his face.

Boat. Donna tells Noah that David and Valerie aren't actually doinking; they only wanted everyone (meaning, the two of them) to think they were so they'd get jealous. Noah shrugs and says he doesn't really give a shit and asks her if she's free tonight, but she tells him she'll be busy preparing for her job interview. He gets irked about still not getting any, so she bats her enormous Bambi eyes at him and explains that only after making David wait for an interminably looooong time so she was sure he was truly committed to her did she finally feel like doinking him was the right thing to do. Noah asks her if she's still interested in David, but she assures him she's not, and gives him a reassuring smooch. 

The Walsh house. Valerie tells  David she no longer wants to fake having wild sex and tries to seduce him for real. She says it looks like Donna and Noah are really into each other, but this only depresses David further, and he grumbles about how awful it feels to watch his ex-girfriend get it on with a hot guy like Noah. He then whines about how crappy it is to work at a carwash and have to crash in her room at the Walsh house, and bitches about how sick he is of her "charity" and storms out.

Carwash. David is busily hosing off dirty cars when Brandon and Steve arrive to rescue him. They offer him a job at the Beat to cover "the music scene"...and when he argues that he's not a writer, they say it's enough for them that he knows the subject. Er...seriously? The carwash manager comes out to snarkishly ask David whassup, and David points at Brandon and Steve and says, "They're my new bosses. I quit!" and hops into Brandon's convertible. The manager is all, "Wuh?" as the three squeal off.

Wyatt Clinic. Dr. Monahan introduces Kelly to her replacement, Lisa, and snidely tells Lisa that Kelly just resigned. After Lisa ambles off-screen, Kelly tells Dr. Monahan she's filing a formal complaint against him. He snappishly reminds her that he started this clinic and that the foundation board believes in him...and when Kelly says she refuses to let him run her out of there, he gets all in her face and snaps, "You're fired!" 

The Peach Pit. Nat spots his old bookie nemesis, Duke, sitting at a table...and goes over and tells him to bugger off 'cause he's not going to be getting any gambling action here. Duke waves around one of Valerie's brochures advertising Sports Night at the After Dark and says he should definitely talk to her, but Nat warns him to keep his distance.
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Donna is at Hilary Swank's apartment, helping her pack up her stuff. When she comes across a box of condoms, she asks Hilary Swank if she and Steve have bumped uglies...and Hilary Swank says they first doinked one evening when she "looked like hell" - but Steve didn't care 'cause he was so desperate to get his wick dipped. Donna says she used to think she had to be married to doink a guy - but then Aaron Spelling finally agreed that, after seven years of safeguarding Donna's sanctimonious virginity, enough was enough and he allowed his daughter's Beverly Hills, 90210 character to doink the guy she was expecting to marry...but then that theory got all shot to shit after she doinked David and broke up with him. She wails, "The rules keep changing!"

The Walsh house. David tells Valerie that he quit his job at the carwash and is now working at The Beverly Beat as Music Guy. Valerie's like, "That's great!"...but then looks less than thrilled when he tells her he's using the cash advance that Steve and Brandon gave him to get his own place. Valerie coquettishly says she respects him for fighting his way back from poverty and hopelessness...and the two start making out.

In the kitchen, Kelly tells Emma that Dr. Monahan fired her today. Emma nods sympathetically, then spots Kelly's watch on the counter and asks her if she realizes it's a man's watch, and Kelly says she likes that it's not so "dressy". Brandon arrives home and looks irked to see Emma in his house yet again. As Kelly rushes over to kiss her man hello, Emma flings the watch into a boiling pot of water and, like the deranged person she is, smashes it with a wooden spoon. Once it's damaged beyond repair, she wails, "Oh no! Kelly!" and fishes it out and concocts a lame story about how the watch leaped into the pot and somehow got accidentally crushed beneath her wooden spoon. Kelly sadly looks at the watch and whimpers, "It's broken" and Emma fake apologizes and says she'll replace it, then asks Brandon where he bought it. He tightly says, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it" but Emma insists on replacing it. Kelly gives Brandon a funny look and tells him to let Emma replace it if she wants, and Brandon says he'll do his best to remember where he bought the watch. Emma nods approvingly then bitchily says, "I'm kind of a stickler for payback."

Beach house. Donna and Steve are helping Hilary Swank and Zack settle into their new digs. When Hilary Swank mentions that she's working tonight and lined up a babysitter for Zack, Steve offers to watch him, free of charge. Snooooooooore.

The Walsh house. Kelly reads Emma's latest column and shakes her head in dismay when she reads the part about how the "committed guy" got a gift from the hussy he's banging on the side, and then passed the gift along to his girlfriend. Emma nods gravely and says he passed it along "like a disease" and Kelly calls the guy a pig and tells Brandon she's lucky to have such a stand-up guy such as himself in her life. Emma urges Kelly to bring Dr. Monahan down and somehow make it possible for others to hear the way he talks to her. As Kelly mulls over that idea and ambles out of the room, Emma saucily remarks to Brandon that Kelly always seems to attract the wrong type of guy. Brandon shoots her the stink-eye and orders her to get the hell out of his house right fucking now, and to stay away from Kelly.

After Dark. Valerie notices Duke conducting bookie business, and orders him to take it elsewhere. Duke responds by making her a proposition: if she lets him do business at the After Dark, he'll give her 25% of the profits. Valerie demands 30% in cash and says they'll start tomorrow night, and Duke compliments her negotiating skills and agrees.

Across the bar, David apologizes to Donna about their argument at the carwash, and she tells him she was relieved to learn that he's not hitting the sack with Valerie...and needlessly adds that she and Noah haven't done the deed yet either. David looks sheepish and goes, "Well...actually, Valerie and I are doinking after all" and Donna's all, "Wha-a?!" and angrily flounces over to Noah, smooches him hard, and announces that she's finally ready to ride his baloney pony. On their way out, she snarkishly informs him that Valerie and David are sleeping together, and Noah looks irked and asks her if that's why she suddenly wants to sleep with him. She whimpers, "I thought it was what I wanted" and he says he'd rather she didn't hit him up for revenge sex 'cause of how mad she is about David and Valerie. He kisses her on the cheek and urges her to go home.

Beach house. Steve has nodded off, and a bored Zack is amusing himself by coloring Donna's design sketches. Haha!

The Walsh house. Emma calls Brandon to "explain" that she had to see him and Kelly together...and he tells her that this type of mindfuckery needs to stop, asap. She fake apologizes and asks him if he felt something when he was in her bed - and if so, was it good? He says it was, then tells her she's beautiful and smart and to not waste anymore time on him. No duh. Emma coldly retorts, "That's what I wanted to hear" and promises to clear out her stuff from the Beat's newsoom. We then see that she has recorded the incriminating conversation...and she smiles smugly at the tape cassette.

​Beach house. Hilary Swank wakes Steve and informs him that Donna left for her job interview. Steve looks alarmed and asks her if Donna spoke to Zack, then tells her that Zack colored over Donna's design sketches with his crayons. Hilary Swank is all, "Wha-a?" and says that Donna didn't mention it...which means she probably has no idea.

The man interviewing Donna gives her two minutes to make a case as to why she's worth hiring, so she pulls out her sketches, then gasps when she sees crayon scribbling all over them. The interviewer remarks that she draws like a five year old, then implausibly exclaims, "You're a genius!" He then cackles, "Have fun! Forget the rules!" and hires her for a six month contract. Before concluding the interview, he asks Donna what she'd like to call her fashion line, and she contorts her ginormous face and suggests Child's Play.

Wyatt Clinic. As Kelly packs up her stuff in the office, Dr. Monahan enters the room and snarks, "It's about time you packed up." Kelly covertly presses the intercom on button so that Audrey and Brandon, who are in the other room, can eavesdrop on the conversation. Dr. Monahan tells Kelly she's beautiful and has a great body...but that she didn't know how to "handle" him very well. Kelly agrees and pretends she now regrets calling him out on his sexual harassmenty behavior. He kind of perks up at that and offers to discuss her performance, but says he needs more information for a "thorough review", which...ew. As he removes her jacket, she tells him about her qualifications and university degree...and when he continues to leer at her and get grab-handsy, she comes right out and says, "You're making me very uncomfortable." He sternly orders, "Get comfortable" and when she tells him to stop, Brandon and Audrey burst into the room. Brandon glares at him and snidely asks, "What's up, doc?" and Dr. Monahan mumbles, "This isn't what it looks like." Audrey informs him that his contract with the Wyatt Foundation is officially terminated and snaps, "You're fired" and then Kelly smugly announces that Dr. John Martin (Donna's dad) will be taking over the clinic. Dr. Monahan makes a huffing noise and storms out.

After Dark. Duke drops by the club to give Valerie her cut from the other night. When she looks delighted by the wad of cash, he tells her he needs someone to be a "front" and bring the bets to him...and if she's willing, her take will be double. Valerie chirps, "I'm in!" and the two shake on it.

The Beverly Beat. Brandon arrives at the newsroom just as Emma is packing up her stuff. (It's really taking her a long time to pack up the few things she must be storing there.) He tells her about how Kelly outed Dr. Monahan and showed the foundation board member what he was really like, and Emma smirkingly says, "People like that just need enough rope to hang themselves" and flounces out. When Brandon heads out soon after, he finds a small package on the windshield of his car...and inside is a cassette tape. When he plays it inside his car, he's dismayed to learn that it's a recording of his phone conversation with Emma, when they discussed their illicit doink. He stares into space looking concerned and annoyed.

Bel Age Hotel. Noah is treating Donna to a celebratory dinner for landing her first job as a designer. They exchange I love yous and hold hands...then decide they're finally ready to hit the sheets for all the right reasons. In the next scene, sexy music plays in the background as the camera pans over their clothes that are strewn about, and then onto the bed, where Noah and Donna are getting it on. Blech, Noah! Blech.

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