Recap: Kelly is sitting up in bed, reading the article that Emma wrote for The Beverly Beat. She gushes to Brandon about what a super awesome writer Emma is, and Brandon twitches uncomfortably at the mention of Emma's name.
Steve is on the phone with Hilary Swank, commiserating with her about the sudden departure of her mom. She worries that her parental responsibilities are getting in the way of his fun, but Steve assures her they're not...and that viewers aren't bored to death by their dull-as-fuck romance.
Moans of pleasure and headboard banging can be heard coming from Valerie's bedroom...and the other Walsh house residents are like, "Wuh?" and then "Ewww.." When the camera pans over to Valerie's room, we see that she's fully clothed as she bangs the headboard against the wall, pretending to be pleasured by David, who's slouching in a nearby chair rolling his eyes at the dumb charade. Valerie chides him for not helping and asks him if he wants to get Donna back, and he thinks it over and somehow musters the energy to start fake moaning.
Brandon and Steve high-five David when he ambles into the kitchen. David weakly explains, "It wasn't like it sounded" then announces that today he's starting his new career as a carwash attendant. Donna, meanwhile, drops by to ask Kelly if she could fill in for a sick model for an afternoon photo shoot. Kelly reminds her that she hasn't modelled for years [and really isn't model material], but Donna assures her she "puts other models to shame" - plus she's desperate and can't find anyone else who's remotely photographable on such short notice. When Kelly runs back upstairs, David ambles over to the foyer to say hey to Donna, who snidely remarks that she was wondering where he spent the night when he failed to return to the beach house. David snarks back that since they're not a couple anymore, they no longer owe each other explanations about anything, and Donna just kind of shrugs and says, "I was worried." Valerie appears and smugly tells Donna she no longer needs to worry about David, then plants a big smooch on his lips and makes it sound like they spent the entire night doinking.
Wyatt Clinic. Dr. Monahan is barking at his wife on the phone when Kelly enters his office to tell him that the waiting room is quickly filling with patients. He promptly ends the call and grumbles to Kelly about how his marriage has "lost its magic" and that he wants a separation. He then creepily stares at Kelly and tells her how close he and his wife used to be...and after a few more creeptastic seconds of leering and invading her personal space, he finally leaves the room. Kelly stares after him looking troubled and icked out.
Rob's Carwash. David arrives at his new workplace and introduces himself to a guy who's hosing down a car...but the guy doesn't give much of a rat's ass that it's David's first day. He points in the direction of the locker room and tells him he should probably punch in. David heads inside and encounters a young, tortured looking guy named Ben. He shows David where the time clock is, then tells him that Rob's Carwash is a very shitty place to work. Nice, warm welcome.
After Dark. Noah is auditioning comedians for the club's upcoming Comedy Night, but it doesn't look as though he's being entertained by the unfunny redhead who's currently on the stage. Steve drops by to dish about how David and Valerie are knocking boots, and Noah just kind of shrugs disinterestedly. Steve remarks that the comedienne who's currently auditioning sucks, and that he's way funnier at telling jokes. Noah perks up at that and invites him to audition. (Nooooooo!!)
The Beverly Beat. Brandon tells Emma he'd like her to write a series of articles for the Beat, and she saucily retorts that while she's very busy, she'll leave herself "open to persuasion". Brandon says that based on last night's sexy phone call, it's clear she's open to a lot more than that...and Emma purrs, "I am. Are you?" and Brandon just grins stupidly and says they should probably stick to business. Emma says she can discuss their "business" at lunch, then leers at Brandon with an overly sultry expression on her face just as - ack! - Kelly unexpectedly drops by. Brandon introduces her to Emma, and Kelly says, "It so nice to meet you!" and gushes about what an awesome writer she is and that she hopes she writes more articles for the Beat. Emma snootishly says she's in the process of being wooed to do just that, flashes Brandon a non-subtle come hither look, then beats a hasty retreat. Kelly, who somehow senses no red flags with this weirdo, tells Brandon she seems really nice, then suggests the two of them meet up for lunch later. Brandon says he'd love to, but that he's too busy with all of his editing and whatnot, and that tomorrow might be a better day for them to have lunch.
Kelly arrives at Donna's photo shoot and grumbles that she hasn't been feeling very desirable or glamorous lately. It's probably because of her awful pixie hairdo. She then asks Donna how she feels about David and Valerie hooking up again, and Donna admits she'd like to strangle both of them - but puts a pin in that while she shows Kelly to her dressing room. Kelly idly browses through the racks of pretty clothes, then pulls out her cell phone to call Brandon...and Terri answers and tells her that Brandon went out for lunch. Oops. Kelly's all, "Wuh?" and stares into space while scrunching her face in puzzlement.
At lunch, Brandon assures Emma she'll have carte blanche to write whatever kind of drivel she wants for the Beat. Emma likes the sound of that and asks him if he'll still be available 24/7 as her "sounding board"...and instead of setting reasonable boundaries with the presumptuous tart, Brandon's like, "Absolutely!" He remarks that their conversations always seem to be about something other than what they're talking about, but Emma insists she always says what's on her mind...despite the fact that everything that pops out of her mouth is horny innuendo. Brandon firmly says that his mind is on business - er, most of the time - so then Emma leans in his direction, calls him cute and declares that the business half of this lunch is over. She asks him if he's free this afternoon, and he just stares back at her mutely. [I hate it when TV shows do this. Answer the fucking question!!!]
Rob's Carwash. One of the attendants slaps Ben on the ass, and another guy jokingly chides him for sexually harassing the lad. The two then mock Ben by offering to take him shopping for a new dress, and David steps in and snarls at them to shut their mouths. The bullies taunt David about being "queer", but he just sneers in disgust and gets back to work.
After Dark. Valerie and Noah are auditioning more unfunny comedians for Comedy Night. Noah mentions to Valerie that he heard through the grapevine that she and David were bumping uglies, and Valerie tries to appear as nonchalant as possible as she breezily replies, "Oh...he just needed to burn off some energy." Steve takes the stage for his audition, and OMFG he's just as wretchedly unfunny as all the others who came before him - but somehow Valerie and Noah find his schtick hilarious and bust a gut laughing.
Kelly tries to call Brandon again, but Terri tells her he never came back from lunch. Brandon should have maybe gotten a fake story straight with his receptionist before ditching the office to hang with Emma all afternoon. Perplexed, Kelly tells Donna that Brandon seemed really distant earlier and thinks he may be hiding something. Donna dismisses the idea that St. Brandon would ever cheat on her, then tells her to shut up and enjoy the shoot.
Later, Brandon drops off Emma at her apartment...and she leans toward him and plants a big smooch on his lips, to which he doesn't object. When she invites him inside, he tells her he'd really really like to, but isn't going to. She smugly retorts, "Not tonight, anyway" and the two kiss again. For shame, Brandon!
The Walsh house. The next morning, Brandon brings Kelly breakfast in bed 'cause that's the sort of thing cheating boyfriends do when they've done something to feel guilty about. She tells him she tried to track him down yesterday, so he fibs and tells her he was chasing a lead on a story all day: a civil court judge who's involved in a cult. Kelly seems to buy that brazen lie for the moment, then says she hated not being able to get a hold of him and that she has "a weird feeling". Brandon assures her that all is well and suggests they "get back on track" by going to Comedy Night at the After Dark and torture themselves by watching Steve make a giant arsehole of himself on stage.
Rob's Carwash. Ben thanks David for defending his honor with his co-workers and says the teasing has been going on awhile and that the manager doesn't seem to care. David says he shouldn't have to deal with that kind of shit, but Ben says the real problem in his life is that his father kicked him out of the house when he learned he was gay. According to the shitbag, his gayness has destroyed their entire family...and to add insult to injury, his idiot mother just stood by uselessly and didn't lift a finger to help him. Ben says he can deal with being gay, but hates that his parents won't accept him for who he is.
Wyatt Clinic. Dr. Monahan catches a glimpse of Kelly's modelling photos peeking out from her purse and pulls them out so he can get an eyeful. He remarks what a shame it is that she's wasting all that beauty on a younger, less experienced man, and a peeved Kelly snatches the photos out of his hands and shoots him the stink-eye.
After Dark. Valerie congratulates Noah (and herself) for filling the club on their first Comedy Night...and when David arrives, she makes a big show of hugging and kissing him hello. Donna, meanwhile, tells Kelly that the photo shoot people want her to be their full time model for the duration of the campaign, but Kelly doesn't look entirely thrilled and says she'll have to think about it. Donna heads over to where Noah's standing, staring at Valerie and David canoodling, and asks him what he thinks 'bout that, and he just shrugs and says they look like they're trying really really hard to prove something. Kelly, meanwhile, tells Brandon that Dr. Monahan is starting to creep her out with his lewd comments and frequent invasions of her personal space. Brandon suggests she call him out on his behavior and maybe file a grievance, and Kelly agrees and says she'll talk to the creep first thing tomorrow.
Steve tells Brandon he's nervous about performing his comedy schtick...and Brandon half-heartedly tells him he'll be great, then notices Emma standing a few feet away and walks over to greet her. She starts up with her usual flirting routine, just Brandon alerts her that Kelly is looking over at them. Emma cheekily waves at her...and Kelly takes that as an invitation to join her conversation, then invites Emma to sit with them at their table.
Steve takes the stage, and [predictably] spends the first several minutes choking, bombing, and making a gigantic ass of himself. The spectacle remains awkward until he digs deep and manages to come up with [what the audience perceives as] funnier jokes...and when he throws some physical comedy into the mix, everyone roars with laughter. During all this, Emma's eyes remain fixed on Brandon while her lips are contorted in a pouty expression.
David takes the liberty of dropping by Ben's parents' house and introduces himself and asks them why they're being such dicks to their gay son - who, by the way, is in real trouble. The father growls, "I don't have a son" and starts to shut the door. The mother starts to protest, but doesn't try very hard to get her point across while the father slams the door shut. Poor Ben.
The Beverly Beat. Brandon reads Steve a bunch of glowing reviews of his After Dark comedy routine, which...whatever, writers. A little while later, Emma sashays in to deliver her latest article. Brandon furrows his furry brows and says he didn't think she'd have any interest in writing for the Beat as long as he refuses to doink her...and she doesn't really reply to that and just coos about how her article is about two-timing men.
Wyatt Clinic. Kelly confronts Dr. Monahan about his creepiness and tells him that while his work as a doctor is admirable, she doesn't respect him as a person. Furthermore, she won't stand for his icky references to her sexuality 'cause it's very inappropriate and makes her uncomfortable. Dr. Monahan stares at her incredulously and asks her if she's accusing him of sexual harassment - but before she can respond, he sneeringly asks, "Do you have a problem working with men?" As she stares at him in mute shock, he snarks that if she's so offended by him, she should go work at a nursery school - not a street clinic - and then storms out.
Steve and Hilary Swank finally have her apartment to themselves, and they're canoodling on the living room couch. Steve admits that when he was bombing on stage, he got desperate and ripped off Richard's Belzer's comedy act. (Yep - the guy from Homicide and Law and Order.) He then goes on a tear about how boneheadedly stoopid he is, as was demonstrated when he stole Brandon's term paper. For some reason, the self-deprecating rant makes Hilary Swank laugh, and she points out that he's plenty funny doing his own material.
After Dark. Valerie finishes counting the club's earnings from the other night, rubs it in again to Noah that she and David are shacking up in her room at the Walsh house, then heads off to hang with David. Donna arrives a few seconds later, and she and Noah rehash whether or not they're jealous about David and Valerie hooking up...blah blah blah...then decide they probably don't care, and start smooching.
The Walsh house. Kelly tells Brandon she's decided not to take the modelling job 'cause she doesn't want to trade on her looks, and Brandon tells her he's proud of her for standing up to her creepy doctor boss. Kelly then immerses herself in Emma's latest article about a woman who wants to pursue a guy who has a girlfriend, and cluelessly remarks that maybe the guy should hook up with the persistent woman. The phone then rings...and naturally it's Emma, curled up on her bed in a skimpy negligee, calling to indulge in some forbidden, over-the-phone foreplay with Brandon. He's like, "Hello? Hello?" and pretends no one is there, and Emma moans about how much she'd looove to be in his bed right now. Brandon hangs up, tells Kelly it was a crank call, then unplugs the phone while staring worriedly into space.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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