Recap: Kelly is engrossed in a magazine article that some Gen-Y flunky named Emma Bennett wrote, and Brandon says he's heard of her and that she's supposedly some kind of journalist whiz kid. Kelly suggests he hire her as a writer for The Beverly Beat, but Brandon says he doubts his lame rag is slick enough for someone of Bennett’s caliber. Kelly urges him to at least try 'cause she has a large following.
Beach house. Donna and Noah are hanging out, cooking breakfast and flirting. Felice bursts in unannounced and looks put out at the sight of Noah and snidely tells him he doesn't have time for breakfast 'cause of all the work he needs to get done preparing the boat for auction. Noah politely tells her the work is all done, and a perplexed Donna stares at her mother and is all, “Wuh? I didn’t know you were putting the boat up for sale.” Felice tells her that she and Papa Martin don’t have time to sail around anymore, now that they’re devoting their lives to charity work. She then heads over to the bathroom to look for some aspirin…and Donna and Noah take the opportunity to start making out. A few seconds later, Felice re-enters the room and haughtily exclaims, “Excuse me!” and asks Donna if they could speak in private. A bewildered Felice asks her whaddup with Noah - and not David - being in her apartment at this hour, so Donna explains that she split with David and is now dating Noah. Felice looks aghast and says she does not approve of her spending time with “that wharf rat”...and Donna tells her that Noah isn’t what she thinks he is, but Felice snootily insists she knows exactly who he is. Donna admonishes her for being judgey - the way she once was with David - and Felice snaps, “At least he didn’t work on a boat!” and chides her for her shitty life decisions. Donna accuses her of being superficial and cunty, then reminds her that she’s a grown woman and can live her own life.
Wyatt Clinic. Dr. Monahan asks Kelly how her first day is going, and she gushes about how she likes to feel needed and be the change she wants to see in the world. Dr. Monahan heads over to the exam room to treat a domestic abuse victim, and Kelly goes back to filing patient records...or whatever busy work she was pretending to do.
Valerie drops by the boat to see Noah - and he looks irked by the unannounced pop-in. She asks him what he's planning to do with the After Dark, then tells him she's available to run it for him. She reminds him that he's the outdoorsy type who doesn't like office work - whereas she looooves the day-to-day operation of a nightclub and deeply cares about what happens to the After Dark. Noah insists he wants to run it, then abruptly shuts the conversation down.
The Beverly Beat. David drops by to look at the paper's classified ads, and seems intrigued by an ad for a cake decorator. It's nice that he's putting his expensive university degree to work. Steve advises him to, instead of pursuing cake decoration, grovel to Noah to hire him to manage the After Dark, but David bitterly snaps that he isn't interested. Brandon says he doesn't get why he hates Noah for no reason, so David breaks the embarrassing news that he's feeling a tad cuckolded these days 'cause the hottie is dating Donna.
Steve and Hilary Swank have plans to spend the evening at Rush's Malibu beach house, which Steve is watching while Rush is out of town. They're about to head out when Zack stumbles into the hallway to announce that his tummy hurts. Hilary Swank's all, "Ooooh nooo!" and feels her son's forehead and remarks that he feels warm. She looks over at Steve sheepishly - but he rolls with it and says he'll just order in some Thai food.
The Peach Pit. David is seated at the counter, drinking coffee. Nat asks him what he's doing for work these day, so David tells Mr. Nosy he just got hired at Khaki Nation. Noah enters the diner, sits beside David, and offers him a job managing the After Dark - no strings attached - but David just glares at him and snarls, "I don't want your charity" and asks him if Donna put him up to this. Noah insists she didn't and implores David to take the job, but David stubbornly refuses and grumbles, "You got my girl, you got the club. You ruined my life!" and storms out.
The Walsh house. Kelly's eager to get to work early, and tells Brandon how totes awesome and dedicated Dr. Monahan is. A dismayed Brandon asks her if he's an uggo, and Kelly says he's actually pretty handsome, but married. Brandon looks relieved, then tells her that Emma Bennett is dropping by the newsroom today to discuss writing an article for the Beat.
Khaki Nation. It's David's first day on the job, and he's getting a tour of the store by the manager. She warns him about the evils of mixing textures, and he openly snickers at the absurdity of the policy. After that, she watches with disdain as he tries to fold shirts and tells him he's got a lot to learn.
The Walsh house. Steve and Hilary Swank sneak into the house, look around to make sure no one is home, then go up to his bedroom for a much needed doink. Just as they start smooching, Valerie barges into the room with an exterminator and announces that - surprise! - the house has a mite problem, and they all have to vacate for the next four to five hours. Hilary Swank, Steve, and Steve's penis instantly deflate.
The Beverly Beat. Emma Bennett, who comes off as arrogant and obnoxious right out of the gate, flounces into the newsroom. The overly-dramatic redheaded page-boy 'do sporting journalist pulls out a cigarette and poutishly asks if she can smoke, but Brandon says he'd prefer it if she didn't. He offers her a job as a Beat writer, but she says she prefers freelancing and generally refuses to make any commitments in her life, 'cause "monogamy cramps my style". Brandon suggests she write something to see how it works out, and she agrees and coquettishly says she loooves that he cuts to the chase and gets right down to bidness.
After Dark. Valerie looks around at the crowded, rockin' club and compliments Noah on the excellent turnout. She then orders a glass of wine at the bar - but Noah sheepishly admits he forgot to order wine. Valerie seizes the opportunity to remind him that, unlike herself, he's not cut out for the rigors of running a nightclub.
Wyatt Clinic. Kelly and Dr. Monahan are wrapping up for the day. She rubs her left shoulder and remarks that she must have strained it, and he offers to take a look. He ushers her into an exam room and starts massaging her sore shoulder - and she tells him it feels great...then looks wigged out when he pulls down her sweater and starts rubbing her bare skin. She looks even more wigged out when he leans in and creepily whispers, "How does that feel?" so she tells him it's much better and looks totally grossed out as she thanks him. He says, "Any time" and saunters off, leaving Kelly staring after him in mute bewilderment.
Beach house. David is sacked out on the couch with music blaring. Donna returns home and asks him to lower the volume, and he snarkishly asks her why she's not with her boyfriend. She tells him she had to work late, and he sarcastically remarks, "Noah's soooo understanding." Donna invokes Noah's offer to re-install him as the After Dark manager - but when David just stares broodily into space, Donna throws in the towel and heads off to bed.
The Walsh house. Noah breaks down and offers Valerie the job of managing the After Dark. She looks delighted and cheekily says she'd like a 30% raise from what she was earning before, as well as 50% of the profits. Noah's like, "Dream on" and offers her 10%, and she's like, "Sold!" LOL.
Kelly tells Brandon about how unprofessional and downright icky Dr. Monahan's shoulder rub felt and describes it as, "There's touching...and then there's touching." Brandon breezily dismisses her concerns and says she's probably just not used to being examined by someone she doesn't know...and that he has a hard time imagining a good doctor being so creepy. Kelly gets miffed that he's automatically taking the man's side, so he points out that she probably would have said something at the time if it felt wrong. Kelly scrunches her face in puzzlement as she mulls over that faulty logic.
Khaki Nation. David's boss chides him again on his abysmal shirt folding technique and pronounces, "A flat sleeve is a happy sleeve." David jokes, "What would a depressed sleeve look like?" and his boss purses her lips and does not look amused. She heads to the back room to check on a shipment...and while she's gone, a kid wearing headphones strolls by. David can hear the band he's listening to and gushes about how much he loves their music, so the kid loans him his headphones so he can briefly listen. David's boss returns, glares at him, and reprimands him for being unprofessional and adds that she's sick of his attitude. She orders him to unpack boxes in the storage room and think about how he's going to change his attitude, and David tells her to go pee up a rope and quits.
Wyatt Clinic. Dr. Monahan informs Kelly he'd like her to be present in the exam room whenever he's conducting an exam. He derisively says, "People are sooo litigious" and adds that he has no desire to be sued for sexual harassment. Kelly agrees, then contemplatively stares into space as she chews on that nugget.
The Beverly Beat. Emma Bennett sashays into the newsroom wearing a short skirt and plops herself atop Brandon's desk in her bizarre, I'm-so-over-sexed manner. She tells him that her computer broke down, which means her article won't be ready until tomorrow. She invites him out for a drink tomorrow after her lunch date...and Brandon idly remarks that she sounds very busy, to which she seductively purrs, "A body in motion stays in motion" and flounces out. What a weirdo.
Steve and Hilary Swank head over to her place, hoping to find a private place to doink - but they're dismayed when they find her mother canoodling with some strange man on the couch. They all introduce themselves, and Hilary Swank is even more dismayed to learn that the man is her mom's boyfriend...and that she's planning on temporarily moving to Arizona to meet his kids.
Beach house. Donna arrives home and finds David loafing around the apartment yet again. He tells her he quit his job at Khaki Nation and is desperate to line up something new...and she laments how tough her life is right now, and now thinks it was a mistake, after struggling to remain chaste all those years, to doink him under the assumption that they'd one day get married. David gets irked and reminds her that he waited too (even though he didn't wait and had sex with various women while Donna was psyching herself up to lose her maidenhead), then snarkishly tells her he can't stand listening to her whine about how she now regrets bumping uglies with him.
Valerie and Noah are sitting at an outdoor cafe. She tells him about all the plans she has for the After Dark, and Noah looks impressed by her ideas and says he's never seen the serious, hardworking side of her. She tells him she's about a whole lot more than just ample boobs and stirring up needless drama, then thanks him for the chance to once again manage the nightclub.
The Peach Pit. Donna encounters Valerie, who smugly announces that Noah just hired her to manage the After Dark. Donna says she had no idea she had been re-installed, looks vexed, and stomps off..
Donna stomps straight to the After Dark and asks Noah if it's really true that he hired Valerie. He confirms that he did, and points out that Valerie is very skilled at running a nightclub. Donna objects to his hire on the grounds that Valerie is a cheater, liar, and user - and Noah says this isn't personal, and points out how miffed he is that that David is still living with her at the beach house. He tells her that the two of them have something special, then asks her if she's pushing him away 'cause of what Felice thinks of him. Donna denies that and says she needs time to gauge how she feels about Valerie being re-injected into their lives.
The Walsh house. Kelly asks Brandon what Emma Bennett is like, and he just says she has a good sense of humor. Kelly suggests they invite her over for dinner sometime...then admits that she probably overreacted to the massage that Dr. Monahan gave her 'cause of how careful he suddenly is about not being alone in the exam room with a patient.
Hilary Swank gabbles to Steve about how sad she is that her mom is leaving LA - mostly 'cause she's now going to have to shell out real money for a babysitter for Zack. Steve assures her they'll work something out and that he won't let her go through this alone. The two hug, and Hilary Swank gushes about how happy she is to have him in her life. She suddenly realizes that Zack is at school and that her mom is at home, packing...which means they're alone in the house. She flashes him a toothy grin and says they should make the most of it, and the two start smooching in earnest.
Emma and Brandon are at a restaurant, sharing a drink. She hands him her article and declares it fabulous, then raises her glass and toasts her general fabulousness. She then shoots him an intense stare and says she'd like to know "the real Brandon Walsh"...so he tells her he's pretty much as bland as he seems. Not satisfied with that answer, she asks him why a talented guy such as himself works at The Beverly Beat (and not a real newspaper) and the two gaze into each others' eyes.
David and Valerie are ambling along the street together, getting caught up on each others' lives. He tells her that his job at Khaki Nation didn't work out, but he lined up something new at a car wash...and Valerie clucks sympathetically and blames Noah for screwing everything up for him. They happen to run into Donna, who looks startled and discombobulated to see them together. She asks them whassup, says she's off to see her mom, and beats a hasty retreat. Valerie chuckles and says it was obvious how jealous Donna was at the sight of them together. She then proposes to David that they pretend to be a couple so that Donna will come back to him and Noah will come back to her. David mulls that over, agrees that her plan is just crazy enough to work, and says he'll give it a shot.
Wyatt Clinic. Dr. Monahan asks Kelly if her shoulder is OK, then remarks on how beautiful she's looking today. She stares after him, once again looking wigged out.
Marina. Donna arrives at the boat auction and greets her mom. Felice tells her she's proud of the woman she's grown into, blah blah, and agrees that she's old enough to make her own decisions...and then the two take their seats as the auction gets underway. The bidding starts at $200,000, and a few people make the requisite opening bids. Noah suddenly appears from out of nowhere and bids $325,000 and Felice is all, "Wha-a?!" and tells him this isn't funny. He tells her he wasn't trying to be funny, and Donna tries to explain to her uppity mother that this isn't a joke. Felice says she doesn't believe that Noah has the money to purchase a boat, but when Noah shows her a check for $300,000 and promises he's good for the rest, she shuts up and stares at him in shock. The auctioneer barks, "Sold!" and Donna informs Felice that Noah Hunter is of the Hunter Oil and Chemical Hunters. Felice asks her why she didn't reveal that her boyfriend was mega-rich earlier, and Donna says that since she's such a classist snob, she knew she'd treat him differently. Noah pulls Donna aside and explains that he bought the boat 'cause he needs a place to live and is too lazy to pack up his stuff and transport it elsewhere. Donna looks impressed and announces that she wants to keep seeing him, and he's like "Woo hoo!" and the two kiss.
The Walsh house. Kelly tells Brandon she needs to take a shower 'cause of how dirty and creeped out Dr. Monahan makes her feel. After she disappears into the bathroom, Emma calls Brandon to discuss her article. She's stretched out on her bed, wearing a black slip, and asks Brandon what he's wearing...then invites him to come over and see her racy outfit for himself. He woodenly tells her he can't, and she saucily retorts, "You will" and hangs up. Brandon stares down at the phone receiver - and Kelly suddenly emerges from the bathroom and asks him who he was talking to. He mumbles, "Wrong number" and stares contemplatively into space.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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