Recap: Ray is finishing up his last performance at the After Dark before leaving forever to cut his first album. Godspeed, Pumpkin Head! Kelly, Donna, and Clare are seated at a table and discuss their weekend plans to travel to a spa. Clare then starts stammering, obviously trying to break some bad news to Kelly...but then the scene cuts to Brandon, who's whining to Nat about his money woes. After that, he heads over to where Steve and a nerdy looking guy are seated...and it turns out that the nerdy looking guy is a location scout for a local filmmaker who loves Casa Walsh. He offers to pay Brandon $500 a day for his employer to shoot his film there. Elsewhere in the diner, Kelly is annoyed that Clare invited Valerie to tag along on their spa/road trip. Clare sheepishly retorts that she didn't know how to say no to her, then points out that since Valerie is coming along, she and Colin won't be alone together all weekend. Kelly grumps that she would have taken her chances, and then Valerie interrupts their conversation and giddily tells them how much she's looking forward to their road trip.
The Walsh house. David drops in on Valerie as she's packing her suitcase. She explains that she and the gals are going on a road trip this weekend...and when David looks perplexed and goes, "You were invited?" she admits that she "kind of" invited herself along so that she could mend fences with Kelly. David thanks her for the help and moral support she gave him after his mother's suicide attempt, then leans in for some tongue-on-tongue action. Afterward, he saunters out of the room, and Valerie stares after him looking discombobulated.
California University. Dylan slouches into the library and finds Toni and her gigantic fuzzy mane in the stacks. He came by to apologize and give her a small teddy bear; she's been brushing him off lately, so he figured he'd done something wrong. She glares at him and accuses him of snooping in her pa's study during the night of her dinner party...and the best retort he can come up with is, "I was curious." LOL. She insists that it's important he respect her father, his privacy, and their home...then concedes that the teddy bear is totes cute.
Road trip. Clare, Kelly, Donna, and Valerie are driving north and noshing on pretzels. They play "categories" and dish about the best L.A. beach, their best kiss, most pleasing romp, etc. Clare, who's driving, suddenly makes an unplanned turn and explains that it's a shortcut she discovered when she and David were looking for UFOs (ugh, that dumb storyline), and Kelly remarks that on the map the road is just a dotted line. Everyone ignores that red flag and goes back to their game. Clare and Donna agree that their best kiss was with David (which was weird), and when Valerie is egged on to chime in, she too says that David was her best kiss...and, oh yeah, it happened earlier that morning! The three gals are shocked at that revelation, and Donna sullenly says she doesn't want to hear any more about it...even though it's apparently fine when she and Clare compare notes about David's kissing abilities.
The Walsh house. Ray and David are helping Steve get the house in tip top shape before the film crew arrives. The two ask Steve what kind of film it is, and Steve shiftily describes it as "an art film"...and David correctly guesses it's a porn flick. He's surprised that Brandon would agree to a porno being shot at his wholesome house, so Steve admits that he hasn't exactly broken the news to him yet. Meanwhile, on campus, Brandon invites Susan to an early dinner and then to watch the filming. At first she bitchily declines, but then explains that she's expected at her great-aunt's house to play bridge. She's embarrassed 'cause it's "so uncool", but Brandon says he thinks her family obligations are adorable.
Road trip. Clare continues with her stupid "categories" game, and the gals discuss the best make-out songs while Donna silently pouts in the back seat. Kelly dreamily says that anything by Barry White will do, and adds that everyone in New York loves his music. When Valerie jokingly asks her if she and Colin "do it" to Barry White, Kelly says that Colin is "so retro" that he prefers to make out to Mozart. You can't classify the greatest composer of the Classical era as "retro", idiot. Donna loses it and starts bitching at the gals for constantly talking about sex, including which cartoon character they find sexiest. Valerie jokes that she's the most turned on by Woody Woodpecker, and Kelly snarkishly asks her if she's been with him, since she's been with everybody else...which I found hi-lar-ious, since this exact criticism could also be lobbed against Kelly, particularly when one considers the cringe-worthy parade of morons who make up her sexual history: Steve, Jake (possibly..?), Dylan, Brandon, Colin...plus all the guys she doinked during her self described "slutty phase", pre-pilot episode. Valerie gets irritated and says she's sick of the way they talk about her behind her back, and would like to get everything out in the open. Donna likes the sound of that and comes right out and asks her if anything ever happened between her and Pumpkin Head. Clare swiftly tries to change the subject, but Valerie admits that she slept with him. Twice. Ick. Donna moans, "Oh my God - I think I'm going to be sick" while Kelly glares down at Valerie from her high horse and snaps, "You really are a slut, aren't you?" Valerie lets out an exasperated snort and tells her not to act so surprised, then says, "Like Clare didn't tell you months ago." Clare looks suitably sheepish as Donna glares over at her...and then Kelly snarks at Clare about how annoyed she is that she (Clare) didn't tell her about Ray's philandering. Clare stupidly says she figured David would have told her, which wigs out Donna even more, and she brusquely orders Clare to stop the car so she can throw up. Kelly snarks at Valerie that she should be proud of herself.
After her vomit, Donna says she wants to go home, and then moans about how Ray cheated on her and then lied about it for months. Kelly and Clare assure her that they can still have a fun weekend, and return to the car where Valerie is waiting. They climb back inside, but when Clare tries to start the car, nothing happens and smoke starts billowing out from the engine. She opens the hood and stares at it in bewilderment - just as a kindly nun drives by and asks the girls if she can be of service to them.
The Walsh house. The porn film crew has arrived, and Steve gets ultra giddy when the director gives him an impromptu audition and says they'll be needing a few extras. He then reveals the title of this masterpiece-in-the-making: Topless Pizza Party 3. Classy.
Dylan's house. Toni calls to tell Dylan that her pa wants to meet him, and that he suggested they all go to dinner together at a fancy restaurant. Apparently, Marchette told his daughter that he knew Dylan's father. Small, nay, tiny world.
The nun (Sister Alice) transports Clare, Donna, Valerie, and Kelly to her convent, which is inconveniently located on a solitary mountaintop. It's nowhere near the spa, and the nun tells Kelly they must have taken a wrong turn...and Clare overhears this and looks suitably sheepish. The girls are invited to stay the night, and Sister Alice tells them that in the morning, Sister Agnes will fix their car. She shows them to their quarters, and Kelly immediately starts bitching at Clare about her "shortcut", while Valerie remarks that the ambiance of the convent reminds her a lot of The Sound of Music. Haha! It totally does. When the mood remains hostile, Valerie asks the three how long they're going to beat "this dead horse" (meaning, her blechy affair with Ray) and freely admits that she knows she sinned. Kelly's like, "Well, d'yuh" so Valerie calls her on her holier-than-thou-ness and reminds her that she once had a fling with Dylan while Brenda was in Paris for the summer. That is such a fair point, but Kelly refuses to own it and glares back at her and retorts, "You don't know what you're talking about." Sister Alice re-enters the room and informs the girls that there's a "no talking" rule at the convent from sunset to sunrise. Donna blurts out, "Good!" while Val wonders aloud, "Is this for real?" LOL.
The Walsh house. The filming of the porn is underway, and Steve is enjoying the experience immensely. Brandon arrives home just as the director rushes into the kitchen to tell Steve he needs an extra to play the pizza delivery guy. Steve excitedly volunteers for the role, then finally breaks it to Brandon that the crew is filming a porno. Brandon looks appalled and asks if it's legal, then describes porn as sleazy and degrading, and says he wants it to stop. Sort of. Steve urges him to chillax and enjoy the eye candy, since he's already been paid by the location scout. A porn actress holding pom-poms over her breasts saunters into the kitchen, tells Brandon he's cute, and asks him if they'll be working on a scene together...and then grins vapidly and ambles off without waiting for an answer. It's so weird when TV shows have nonsensical interactions like that.
Convent. Kelly's cell phone rings and it's Colin. Kelly talks to him in a hushed tone and says she can't talk 'cause she's in a convent and took a vow of silence. Colin cuts the call short, and we see that a savvy looking older woman, his "art dealer" Claudia, has entered his apartment without knocking. After he hangs up, she asks him who he was talking to, and Colin says, "A good friend." Ouch. She starts fondling him and says he's allowed to roam all he wants, but to remember that no one is as good to him as she is. After that, the two start smooching.
The Walsh house. Steve is ready to do his scene as the pizza delivery guy and looks unspeakable in his uniform and the low budget moustache glued on his face. When the cameras start rolling, Steve rings the doorbell, encounters three scantily clad women, and brings the pizza into the living room. They steer him over to the couch, and then forcibly tickle him and remove his shirt. In his excitement, he accidentally dumps the hot pizza onto his nether regions and shrieks in pain. The director yells, "Cut!" and calls the scene exquisite. One of the crew members yells out that Brandon has a visitor, so Brandon goes to the door and is shocked to see Susan. Apparently her great-aunt's bridge game got cancelled. Brandon immediately tries to hustle her out of the house, but out of curiosity she peeks into the living room and catches sight of a nearly naked man. Things go further downhill when she sees a bunch of topless women in the kitchen. She snarks at Brandon for shooting a porn flick in his house, then nonsensically rants about how it all makes sense why he was so eager for her to come over and watch the filming. Huh?? She declares that she doesn't want to be part of his seedy world and storms out. The director rushes over to Brandon and urges him to get Susan to come back, since he'd love to put a nurse's uniform on her and have her join the cast. Please. She's sooo not porn material. Brandon looked appalled and orders him to pack up his stuff and get out - and dramatically rips up the $500 check he received earlier from the location scout. Well that was stupid.
Restaurant. Toni and Dylan are waiting for Tony to make an appearance. Dylan tells Toni his dad was murdered, and she looks startled and says sorry and that she didn't know. The restaurant manager comes over to their table to inform them that Tony just called and said that they should start dinner without him. Toni looks puzzled and says this isn't at all like her pa.
Dorm. Brandon drops by to try to clear the air with Susan. She opens the door and reluctantly invites him inside, then snippily lectures him on the evils of pornography. Brandon explains that he didn't know they'd be filming a porno, and Susan sanctimoniously tells him he is the company he keeps, then calls Steve a pervert. She rails about how it's common knowledge within the math faculty that Steve cheated on his placement test and that he's generally a bonehead. Well d'yuh. Brandon takes offense to her insults against his BFF and storms off, so she follows him into the hallway and makes him swear that he didn't know that the film was a porno. He does, and freely admits that he should have stopped it as soon as he found out. Susan stares over at him thoughtfully and invites him to come back to her room. Blech.
Convent. Kelly voice-overs to God that she probably shouldn't judge Val so harshly - after all, she herself slept with her best friend's boyfriend, and then her boyfriend's best friend. Yeesh. Valerie voice overs to God that she wants friends, but always seems to screw it up. No argument there. She also asks Him to look out for Donna, especially considering her douchebag of a boyfriend threw her down a flight of stairs. Donna, of course, looks the most pious among them as she prays with her hands tightly clasped together and recites the child's bedtime prayer, "Now I lay me down to sleep.." [I pray the Lord Donna's soul to take...] and smiles up at the ceiling in her obnoxious, serene way...and I've never wanted to smack her more. As for Clare, she looks miserable and asks God how in the hell she ended up in a convent on her way to a spa. Heh.
Dorm. Brandon is massaging Susan's shoulders while she continues to gripe about porn. He asks her what she finds erotic...and as he kisses her neck, she tells him she likes hot baths and candles. She then offers to run a bath for them, and the two start making out in earnest. Mmm...nope, still no chemistry there.
Restaurant. Tony still hasn't shown up, so Dylan and Toni eat their dinner without him. She's eventually called away from the table to take a phone call...and as soon as she's out of earshot, Tony and a muscular thug suddenly appear and sit at the table across from Dylan. Tony glares at Dylan and derisively tells him he never had any intention of breaking bread with the son of Jack McKay. He asks Dylan what he wants, and Dylan says he wants him to give himself up for murdering Jack. Tony chuckles and says he thought that after getting threatened in the cable car by Tom Rose in last season's finale episode, he would have stayed far away. Dylan shoots Tony the stink-eye and informs him that he has a safety box which contains enough evidence to nail him for Jack's death (really? he does??). Tony retorts by stonily ordering him to stay away from his daughter, otherwise his thug Ronnie is going to shoot him. Ronnie pulls out his gun and aims it at Dylan under the table, so then Dylan pulls out his gun and points it at Ronnie under the table. During this awkward stalemate, Dylan snarkishly tells Tony he's not going away, and that he'll continue to not go away until he's behind bars. It remains unclear why Dylan doesn't just turn over whatever supposed evidence he has against Tony to the police.
Convent. Donna strolls along the grounds of the convent and runs into Sister Alice. She tells the nun she had a dream she took the oath of the church, then remarks that convent life seems so simple and safe...unlike the heartache she's been enduring due to the likes of Pumpkin Head. Sister Alice says that clearly the church means a lot to her, and Donna sanctimoniously agrees...and the two continue to chat.
Dorm. Brandon wakes up after spending the night with Susan - blech - and he finds a note on her pillow, telling him she went out for a run. He gets up, pulls on his pants, and starts straightening the sheets. Susan arrives home at that moment and happily informs him that he passed "the test" (which I found slightly obnoxious, but then I've never been a fan of people's secret "tests"). In fact, she's so impressed by Brandon's tidiness that she pulls him down on the bed and the two start going at it again. Blech.
Convent. Sister Agnes has fixed the car's broken water hose, and the gals are awake, dressed, and ready to hit the road. Donna strolls over to Clare, Kelly, and Valerie and says she wants to put all the unpleasantness behind them. They agree that that's a good idea (in theory, anyway), and Valerie advises Donna to carefully consider whether or not Pumpkin Head is worthy of a relationship with her (um, not), then reminds her about the time he threw her stunt double down a flight of stairs.
Dylan's house. Toni comes over and looks visibly upset. She tells Dylan that her pa told her he (Dylan) is using her, and that he has some sort of vendetta against him. Dylan admits that things may have started out that way...but that was before he got to know her. Toni insists that her pa is a good man, so Dylan tells her that he had Jack blown up. Toni flatly refuses to believe that her pa would have anything to do with murder, so Dylan shrugs and replies that he has nothing left to say. Toni slowly walks out of his house, and Dylan stares after her looking sad.
After Dark. Claudia is unimpressed with Colin's gig as a nightclub mural painter, and highly doubts that he negotiated a good deal for himself. She also thinks he should be focusing on his upcoming art show...but he tells her to back off and that he'll be ready for his show. Kelly enters the club, having returned from her ruined spa weekend a day early, and introduces herself to Claudia...blissfully unaware that she's more to Colin than just an art dealer. Claudia then slips out to leave them alone so they can suck face.
Beach house. Donna is confronting Ray about doinking Valerie. He sheepishly admits he did it once and that it was a huge mistake...and Donna's eyes bug out more than usual and she bellows that she knows he doinked Val TWICE!! Ray mutters what a bitch Valerie is, and Donna retorts, "That bitch is my friend." She announces that their [sick] relationship is over (yippee!) - and when he begs her not to do this, she swivels her neck and gets all attitude-y and asks what he's going to do about it: throw her up against a wall, or down a flight of stairs?! Or does he only hit her when they're out of town?! You go, girl! She makes it clear that she can't/won't forgive him for his infidelity, then opens the front door and orders him to leave. As he slinks out, she snarls that her only regret was not doing this a long time ago.
Sayonara, Pumpkin Head.