Recap: It's the day after New Year's, and Steve and Brandon are in the process of discarding their Christmas tree...and by discarding, I mean they're unceremoniously dumping it next to the driveway. Clare pulls up (apparently she was in San Diego for the last two days), and she and Steve kiss hello. She asks him whaddup with the black eye (apparently he has a black eye, which escaped my notice), and he tells her it's just "a little New Year's souvenir". He and Brandon then bicker about who should tell Clare the full New Year's story, and Brandon begins telling the tale.. New Year's Eve 1995 was a festive night at the After Dark. Susan's ex-boyfriend, Jonathan Casten, came to town, and...uh oh, she appears to be making out with him right in front of Brandon. Viewers then get to ponder that disturbing image as the opening credits roll. Da na na na...da na na na...cha cha. We're suddenly pulled back to the present, and Brandon and Steve decide they should start the tale from the beginning. Back in time.. It all started on the morning of December 31. Rush conned Steve into babysitting his halfwit half-brothers...and by suspicious coincidence, the Walsh property has been newly TPed. Steve goes outside to fetch the newspaper, stares at the toilet paper strands everywhere, then storms back into the house. He yells at the two halfwits, Ryan and Austin, to get downstairs. Hey - one of them is played by Randy Spelling (Tori's brother). Steve dangles a piece of toilet paper in front of them and glares at them expectantly, but they both just shrug mutely. He then grabs them both by the fronts of their shirts and drags them outside to survey the carnage. The halfwits joke about how horrid and heinous it was that "someone" TPed the property, then suggest that maybe this "person" is trying to send Steve a message, such as: if you don't let us borrow your Corvette, we'll TP your house. Steve glares at them and orders them to clean everything up within the hour. The halfwits make weird, frowny faces at Steve, but then start cleaning up. Steve storms back inside, and Brandon chortles with amusement over the situation. Steve rants about how Rush is making him watch "the two baboons", and grumps about how it's ruining his weekend. Brandon needlessly reminds him that he also calls them "the flying monkey boys". That's too many words to be a punchy nickname. Susan calls the house to report that she picked up her ex-boyfriend Jonathan from the airport and that he'll be staying in L.A. through New Year's...in fact, he's milling around in her dorm room as they speak. She asks Brandon if he'd mind terribly if she flaked out on Colin's pre-party, and he's like, "Uh, yeah. I would" so she sighs and says she'll be there, though she might be a bit late...then cancels that and tells him she'll definitely be on time. Valerie enters the kitchen and tells Brandon that the After Dark New Year's Eve party is sold out. She is super excited to finally have a boyfriend to canoodle with at midnight, and is happy for Brandon that he has Susan. At the mention of his girlfriend's name, Brandon goes silent and looks contemplative. Back to the present.. Clare tells Steve and Brandon to cut to the chase and just tell her what happened that night, but they're like, "Whoa, Nelly. We have an hour-long episode to fill." The three head over to the kitchen for coffee, where they're joined by Valerie. Apparently, Donna just called about her new parrot, who "flew the coop"...and for some reason Clare is being blamed. Clare's all, "Wha-a?" and scrunches her weird looking, doll-like face in confusion. Back in time.. Beach house. Clare and Steve are in bed, trying to get busy under the covers...but they're having problems focusing 'cause Donna's bird is making really loud squawking noises. Clare goes over to Donna's room, where Joe is trying to fix the birdcage door, and bitchily suggests putting a muzzle on the parrot. Donna pouts and tells her that's mean, then orders Clare to make sure that no one opens the latch on the birdcage 'cause it's broken. Clare sarcastically assures her she'll make sure that that doesn't happen. Back to the present.. Clare pinky swears that she didn't touch the birdcage just as David arrives at the house...and he snaps that he doesn't want to hear another word about "that damn bird". Valerie chimes in and says it caused a lot of problems between them, and then David takes it upon himself to continue narrating the tedious story. Back in time.. Colin's pre-party is in full swing at his loft, which seems really huge. I wonder how he can afford such a roomy place now that Claudia isn't paying his housing costs anymore. David scowls when he sees Valerie talking to Colin...and he pulls her aside and bitches that the party looks like a gathering of cokeheads. Valerie denies doing coke - and I'm not sure where David gets off making that accusation, since Valerie's never been known to do anything harder than the occasional reefer. Valerie snarks at him to go have dinner with his mother as he planned...and the two suddenly smile at each other, quickly make up, and kiss. He tells her he'll meet her at the After Dark later and heads out. Meanwhile, Susan is on the phone (Colin has a pay phone in his apartment, which is interesting), trying to rustle up a New Year's Eve date for Jonathan. Apparently, he really loves the band that Valerie booked: The Corrs. Brandon says that while he'd love it if Jonathan found a date (and his own plans) for New Year's Eve, he says, "I didn't think it was your responsibility to be his social director, Julie McCoy." Fair point. Out on the terrace, Colin convinces Valerie to hold onto his coke stash so that Kelly doesn't catch him with it. At that moment, Kelly and Donna arrive at the apartment...and Kelly is less than thrilled to see Colin and Valerie talking. She asks, "Is that for my benefit, I wonder?" and Donna points out that the two don't even know she's there. Kelly replies, "My point exactly", and I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. Kelly strides over to the terrace and bitchily thanks Valerie for keeping her boyfriend warm, and Valerie wisely flees. Once she's out of earshot, Kelly tells Colin to start using some anti-Val repellent so that she's not hanging around him all the damn time. Colin says instead of that, why doesn't she make it her New Year's resolution to not start bitchy fights with or about Valerie. Kelly pretends to agree, then suddenly frisks him to see if there are any drugs on him. When her search comes up empty, the two start canoodling...and Valerie creepily stares at them from across the room. Back to the present.. Clare wants to everyone to finish telling the damn story already, but they insist she needs to hear every excruciating detail. Back in time.. Everyone's having a groovy New Year's Eve at the After Dark. Steve's halfwit half-brothers show up and tell the door person to let them in 'cause Steve's their brother. He leaves his post to check with Steve if it's OK to let them in, and of course the halfwits sneak inside. Jonathan makes a beeline over to the table where Susan and Brandon are seated, and babbles needlessly about his latest writing assignment in Tahiti: evaluating club meds. He then tells Brandon he enjoys reading his columns, and explains that he got a subscription to The Condor as a going away present. That's a weird gift; would anyone who's no longer a student at CU really want to keep up with news stories in the university's paper? Steve compliments Valerie on the great turnout, but she's preoccupied fretting about David's unexplained absence. Over by the beach apartment, we see that David's up a tree (literally), trying to rescue/capture Donna's parrot, who somehow escaped from the apartment. Donna explains that when she got home, the bird was on the deck, and then flew to the nearest tree. She thanks David for helping out, then says he'll always be more than a friend. He replies, "Yeah, I know." Ugh. Back to the present.. Clare asks if the parrot was eventually rescued, and once again everyone jumps all over her for wanting to fast forward this tedious re-telling. [Spoiler: yes, Clare - eventually the poor parrot is brought to safety.] Back in time.. Steve's halfwit half-brothers are on the dance floor of the After Dark, dancing and acting like dorks. One of them (Austin?) gets smacked by a girl for getting too fresh, a move that gets noticed by Steve. He enlists Kelly's help 'cause apparently the halfwits like her and listen to her. Colin uses Kelly's sudden absence as an opportunity to make a beeline over to Valerie to retrieve his coke stash, so she pulls the vial out of her bra and reluctantly hands it over. Steve, meanwhile, ejects the halfwits, and Kelly chides him for publicly embarrassing them. Elsewhere, Jonathan is about to regale Susan and Brandon with stories about his travels, but Susan cuts him short and makes a break for the ladies room. Brandon tells Jonathan he wasn't really looking forward to his visit, but now thinks he's aw-right. Jonathan's like, "Uh, thanks" then promptly declares his undying love for Susan and tells him they share a bond that no one could ever break. Brandon says he'll chalk up this smug talk to jet lag...and when Susan returns to the table, he quickly steers her over to the dance floor. Back to the present.. Clare is surprised that Brandon would humiliate himself by dancing publicly (right?!), so Brandon explains that it was an act of desperation. David remarks that he missed that part of the evening, and Valerie snaps that that's because he was too busy with his old girlfriend. Back in time.. Joe arrives to take over Mission Parrot Rescue from David. As he climbs up the tree, David tries to call Valerie from Donna's car phone. It's a minute before midnight, and he doesn't get an answer. When the clock strikes midnight at the After Dark, Valerie is sitting alone at the bar with her sad face on. The couples all kiss and giggle together, and Jonathan glares over at Brandon and Susan. Kelly tells Colin she has to get going 'cause she has to get up early for the Tournament of Roses parade. She tells Colin she'll find her own way home, but is coming by his place at 6:00am to pick him up. He assures her he'll be ready...and by ready he means he'll be passed out on his bed from all the coke he plans on snorting this evening. Brandon and Susan continue to give Jonathan an eyeful with their kissing, and Jonathan finally interrupts and announces he's leaving. He then forcibly kisses Susan, and she weakly protests until Brandon declares, "That's it!" LOL. He wants to take Jonathan outside for a whooping, but Susan implores them to stop fighting over her. Jonathan tells her he's leaving, and she wrings her hands with worry that he's leaving all upset. Brandon says Jonathan's a big boy and orders her to just let him go...and Susan tries to explain that there are things between her and Jonathan that he (Brandon) will never understand. Back to the present.. Brandon tells the gang he regrets letting Jonathan get to him like that, and Valerie says that jealousy is a hard thing to control. Steve needlessly shares that when the clock struck midnight, he was in Valerie's office, having phone sex with Clare. Brandon and Valerie bump into the halfwit brothers as they amble down the stairs...and on their way to the kitchen, they each tell Valerie she looks smokin' hot today. Considering she's slumming it the day after New Year's in a shapeless flannel shirt, I think smokin' hot is somewhat of an exaggeration. As the halfwits pour themselves some cereal, Steve tells them they'll be in big trouble when Rush comes to pick them up. They make weird faces at him and each other, then go off somewhere to watch porn. I think these two share a brain and that there's something seriously wrong with it. Valerie asks Steve if he's really going to rat his strange brothers out, and Steve insists that they went way waaay over the line. Back in time.. Steve leaves the After Dark and finds his Corvette covered with shaving cream. He goes ballistic and storms back toward the club, then gets smacked in the face when someone opens the back door. That explains the black eye, I'll assume. A few seconds later, Colin bursts out of the club, high as a kite. Valerie forbids him to drive, and he gives her a big smooch and tells her she's driving. She snarks that he's "loaded", and then ushers him over to her car. Steve, meanwhile, is hosing the shaving cream off of his car, muttering about how the halfwits are going to pay. When David arrives, Nat and Steve inform him that Valerie left to drive Colin home...and David remarks that he got held up in traffic 'cause of a police sobriety check. Apparently, the cops are out in full force. And speaking of cops, Valerie hits the sobriety check and nervously asks Colin about his coke stash. He assures her he has no drugs on him 'cause he did it all. A cop comes by to peer inside Val's car, and she tells him she's the designated driver, depositing a very "drunk" artist to his apartment. After he waves her through, Colin starts cackling like a demented hyena and calls the copan idiot. He shows Valerie where he hid his coke: her ashtray. Valerie goes ballistic and rails at him about how sick he is. [If it were me in that situation, I would have happily deposited him on the nearest curb and peeled away.] Back to the present.. Clare tells Valerie she's lucky the police didn't find the drugs, and Valerie says she had to drag Colin all the way up to his loft, and then hightail it back to the After Dark. Kelly and Donna arrive at the house and join the conversation, and Clare quickly assures Donna she had nothing to do with her parrot getting loose. Donna's like, "No worries" and announces that Joe was able to rescue the parrot this morning! And since she never really wanted the noisy thing, she and Joe have conveniently decided to donate it to the local zoo. Back in time.. It's the wee hours of the morning on New Year's Day, and Joe still hasn't had any luck getting near the parrot. Donna whines that she has to get ready for the Tournament of Roses parade, and he grumbles about all the time he invested in training the damn bird. Sorry, Joe, but it didn't seem to accomplish a whole lot. He wants to bring the birdcage over to the tree, in case the parrot sees it and magically flies inside. Donna announces that she's done with this rescue mission (not that she was doing much to help anyway) 'cause she has to get ready for the parade. Joe looks irked and sad that she clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about their love pet, and Donna insists she does care about li'l whatever-its-name-is, and snaps at him to not bother coming to Pasadena to watch her in the parade. Kelly heads over to Colin's loft to pick him up, and sure enough he's passed out atop his bed. She pokes at him and offers to make him coffee, but he just grumbles at her to leave him alone. She asks him if he got high last night...and when he doesn't answer, she snaps that she's not going to pick him off the floor like she did for so many years with Jackie. This makes Colin suddenly lucid, and he mumbles that he'll be ready to go in a minute. Brandon wakes up early and heads over to the Condor newsroom to get some work done. He's dismayed to find Susan and Jonathan there, huddled together in her office. Susan sees him and rushes out to deny that anything is going on with the two of them...and Brandon reminds her that they kissed, like right in front of him. Jonathan ambles over and says he doesn't want to cause any trouble, then apologizes if he offended Brandon. He then says he's off to visit an old faculty adviser who's very ill, and of course Susan wants to go along with him. Brandon asks her why she and Jonathan broke up, and she tells him she's not up to having that conversation just yet. As she heads out, he snaps, "Have a nice life" and turns on the TV to catch the Tournament of Roses parade. Parade time! Kelly and Steve are seated on the bleachers when Valerie and David arrive. Kelly looks less than thrilled and informs Val she made a New Year's resolution to not talk to her anymore. Valerie insists she had nothing to do with Colin's drug use, and Kelly snarkily accuses her of getting him high during the Christmas episode. Not sure how she figures that. Valerie says that whatever she thinks of her, she's not a cocaine user. No duh - I don't know why people keep insinuating otherwise. Valerie hands a skeptical Kelly Colin's drug stash and says she officially washes her hands of the whole thing. As well she should. Meanwhile, Donna's float is about to pass by, and the newscaster introduces "the gorgeous young ladies of the Royal Court". We get a snippet of the real life parade float, which doesn't appear to have any blondes on it...and then the camera cuts to a close-up of Donna in a poofy pink dress, tiara and white gloves, serenely waving at her subjects. Joe suddenly appears amid the spectators and yells "Doooonnnnaaaa!!" a few times. When she finally looks over, he holds up a sign that reads "Joe loves Donna" (blech), and the reverse side reads, "Damn bird!" Donna giggles at the inside joke. Back to the present.. The halfwit brothers reenter the kitchen just as Rush calls. As Steve makes his way over to the phone, he warns his brothers, "You're dead." They beg him not to say anything and offer to be his slaves 'cause they hate being admonished by Rush, and complain about how shitty it feels to be constantly told what stupid screw-ups they are. Rush really is a lousy father and probably never should have reproduced if he's so disdainful of his own children. Steve looks contemplative, then gets on the phone and reports to his dad that the halfwits were great. In fact, he'd like them to stay another day! When he hangs up, the halfwits literally bow down to him for letting them off the hook. Steve brusquely orders them to go outside and mow the lawn, which they seem more than willing to do. Clare asks him why he was suddenly so lenient, and Steve looks somber and says they're family. The gang gathers outside to enjoy the day and watch the halfwits bumble around with the lawn mower. We then learn that Steve and/or Brandon employs a gardener (they afford this how..?), and Steve shushes the gang so that his half-brothers don't figure that out. Susan arrives at the house looking sheepish, and Brandon ambles over to talk to her. She tells him that Jonathan went back to Seattle, and assures him that nothing happened. Brandon asks her what the guy has over her, and she cryptically says that it's nothing she can ever change. She apparently made it clear to Jonathan that she loves him (Brandon)...and when Brandon argues that he won't give her up, she says that that's his problem. The two then babble about how one should stop drilling when they hit oil, and Brandon says he's "just getting started" and gives her a big smooch. Nope, still no chemistry there. Clare happily declares that they can now close the book on this New Year's tale, and they all toast 1996. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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