Recap: David's at the beach apartment, playing Mozart on the piano. He's doing fine until he reaches a difficult part of the sonata...and when he can't get the notes right, he bangs on the piano keys in frustration. Donna's sitting across the room, studying with Rocky 2 in her lap. That little dog is sooo damn cute! She tells him his playing sounded great...up until the mini tantrum. A bummed out David says that when he was in high school, he fancied himself "some kind of prodigy" (in his own delusional mind), but now that he's surrounded by music majors, he's come to the harsh (but accurate) realization that he's a joke. He tells Donna that his music teacher suggested he take piano lessons, so she urges him to follow that advice.
Brandon and Steve are on their way to Dodger Stadium when Brandon's Mustang breaks down. Steve is annoyed and stressed about missing the game, and Brandon tells him to chillax. He's trying to call the auto club from a pay phone, but he can't get a dial tone so he points at a nearby coffeehouse and suggests going inside to use the phone there. Steve follows Brandon inside and looks around. He notices a collection of shirtless men photos mounted on the walls, and all the man-on-man coffee klatches at every table...and quickly realizes he's in a - egads! - gay coffeehouse. To add to his shock, he sees Mike Ryan, the KEG president, sitting at a table with a guy. Brandon reappears and tells Steve that a tow truck will be arriving soon...but Steve is so wigged out that he insists on leaving immediately. Brandon asks him what's wrong, so he points out all the gayness surrounding them. Brandon glances around, looks a little surprised, but is far more relaxed about it than Steve. From across the room, Mike spots Steve and Brandon and tells his coffee pal (boyfriend?) he's relieved to not be the only gay in the KEG village. Steve is desperately trying to convince Brandon to vacate the gay coffeehouse like pronto...and from where Mike's sitting, it looks like the two are having a love spat.
The Peach Pit. Kelly, Donna, and Ahn-drea are discussing the calendar that the Alpha sorority wants to publish for the coming fall...and how they're donating the proceeds to the Downey House. They need a crop of hunky men to pose for the calendar, so Ahn-drea asks Kelly if she's asked Dylan - who's a few feet away from them, slouching over the counter. Kelly tells her she did ask Slouchy to pose, but he declined and said he didn't want to feel like a degraded sex object. Brandon and Steve enter the diner, and Steve is still cranky and bitchy after missing most of the baseball game. Donna suggests asking Brandon to pose, and Kelly agrees to give it a try. She approaches Brandon and feeds him a line about how Alpha Omega is asking only the most respected male students on campus to pose for their charity calendar. He happily agrees to do it...but when Kelly mentions that his wardrobe options will consist of only boxer shorts, he immediately tries to back out. Steve reminds Kelly that he's available as a male model, but she's not interested 'cause they already have two KEGers posing and want representation from a wider cross-section of male students. However, on the off-chance that the sorority might become desperate enough to have to scrape the barrel and be forced to use a model of Steve's low caliber, he'll be placed on the B list.
David shows up for his first tutoring session and finds a long haired young woman maniacally playing the piano in a private music room. She introduces herself as Holly Marlowe, and when he compliments her talent, she remarks that the piece needs a lot more work before her recital. She asks him if he brought along his Mozart music sheets, and since he's holding them in his hand, he gives her a strange look and goes, "D'yuh, they're right here." He then realizes she's blind and feels stupid for the snippy way he just talked to a blind person. She senses his discomfort and urges him to give her a chance as his tutor 'cause she really needs the job. David agrees, then sits next to her and starts playing the sonata he was playing earlier. Holly listens carefully to his technique and right away orders him to loosen up...and when that doesn't work, she places her hands over his and demonstrates how he should play, and when that doesn't do enough, she takes over playing altogether. After that, David follows her direction, and when he tries the piece again he's suddenly able to play way better. He excitedly tells her he's "getting it".
KEG house. Steve enters the games room where a couple of the brothers are shooting pool. Mike, who's standing behind the bar, looks happy to see him and offers to make him a cappuccino. Steve glares over at him and says he never drinks cappuccino [kisses men], and Mike says he thought he saw him drinking one [kissing a man] yesterday. Steve insists that he's never had a cappuccino [kissed a man] then lowers his voice and snaps, "Are you crazy?!" He bitchily explains that the only reason he was at the gay coffeehouse was so that Brandon could use the phone...then makes it clear that Brandon is in no way gay. Mike looks disappointed and asks Steve not to out him to the other brothers. Steve stares back at him with a shell-shocked expression...and Mike doesn't seem nearly as concerned about Steve indiscreetly blabbing about his closeted sexuality as he probably should be.
The Walsh house. Brandon tells his family he's rethinking posing for the calendar 'cause he's concerned about jeopardizing his nonexistent political career...but Papa Walsh tells him to accept his destiny, and calls him a sex symbol. That was weird and uncomfortable. The doorbell rings, and it's Steve, who's still looking shell-shocked. He tells Brandon that Mike is gay, and that when Mike saw them in the gay coffeehouse yesterday, he thought both he and Brandon were a gay couple. Brandon just shrugs and says, "But I'm not [gay], so what's the big deal?" Steve says he doesn't know what to do about the other brothers, [nothing, Steve...you do nothing] and that Mike wants him to keep his sexuality a secret. Brandon doesn't get what the dilemma is and tells him to just keep Mike's secret...and reminds him that Mike was one of the first brothers to stand up for him when John Sears wanted to kick him out of the fraternity. Mmm...as I recall, Mike was kind of a gutless pantywaist during that whole thing, but it looks like the writers are rewriting history to suddenly cast Mike in a more sympathetic light. Brandon tells Steve it would be a shitty move to out Mike to his KEG brothers, and Steve says he wouldn't do that...but then quietly threatens, "He makes one move on me, one gesture...he'll regret it." That's safe to say.
Beach house. Holly is tutoring David while he plays the Mozart piece again. Kelly and Donna arrive home, and Kelly remarks that he's really gotten good. David attributes his great playing to his great teacher, and she tells him not to be so modest. Donna, meanwhile, is just standing in the background, scowling. Kelly introduces herself to Holly, and Holly asks if anyone else is there...'cause I guess she was able to sense Donna's gloom. Donna steps forward, and David introduces her as his "other roommate", which makes Donna scowl even more. Holly invites them all to her recital that evening, and David says he thought Kelly and Donna were busy setting up for tomorrow's calendar photo shoot. Subtle, David. Kelly starts to explain that he's mistaken, and they're actually free for the evening, but Donna cuts her off, says she just remembered that they do have to set up for the shoot, and drags Kelly off with her.
Locker room. Mike is stripped down to his skivvies and chats with Brandon, who - unlike Steve - is confident about his sexuality and totally at ease talking to a gay man who's stripped down to his skivvies. Mike asks him if Steve has gotten off the B list yet...and wonders if that's why he's been so moody lately. Brandon evasively replies that Steve has had a lot on his mind, and Mike correctly guesses that he blabbed to Brandon about him being gay. Brandon doesn't bother denying it and assures him that Steve wouldn't violate the trust of a frat brother. Uh,would and does. Mike remains deluded in his hopefulness that Steve is actually capable of being discreet.
Donna asks D'Shawn to pose for the calendar, but he says he's not interested...then abruptly changes his mind and says he'll do it if she agrees to go out with him. Please. He can't possibly be serious about being smitten with Donna. Donna reminds him she already has a boyfriend, but then recalls how David dissed her in front of Holly and tells D'Shawn, on second thought, she'd love to go out with him. But first things first: they need to head over to the Alpha House to select a skimpy outfit for him to wear for the photo shoot.
Alpha House. The KEG guys are trying on boxers for the calendar photo shoot. Steve, who somehow made it off the B list, has on an ugly white pair with mallards all over them, and is admiring his pasty white torso in the mirror. Artie makes fun of his shorts and says he looks like the poster boy for Queer Nation, and Steve barks back that the shorts were given to him and that he (Artie) should give it a rest. Whassup with Artie's hostility toward Steve - weren't these two friends, like four episodes ago? Artie holds up another pair of boxers with a fruit themed pattern then contorts his voice and insultingly imitates an effeminate man about how great the fruity shorts look. OK, so...this is the point in the episode where Steve could easily have just kept his mouth shut, but instead he needlessly snarks to Artie that if he's looking for fruits, he should look a little closer to home. Artie asks if he's implying he's a pervert, and Steve retorts that he's not talking about him. Artie goes, "Who then?"
Mike and Brandon arrive at the Alpha House just as Artie and the other KEG brother are storming out, barking at Donna that they're no longer posing for her gay calendar. When Artie sees Mike, he snaps, "You make me sick!" and continues to stride past him. Steve comes running out of the house and tells Mike that the cat's out of the bag regarding his sexuality. He says it just slipped out, and by just slipped out, he means that he stupidly blurted it out to Artie and the other KEGer without provocation 'cause his brain is missing the filtering mechanism that keeps most people from blurting shit out. Steve then blames Mike for lying to everyone and staying in the closet, and Mike angrily retorts that he had to because of bigots like him. He yells at Steve for ruining his life, then storms off.
The Peach Pit. Steve is in a daze about the ugly scene he just caused and tells Brandon, Donna, and Kelly it "just happened"...and Brandon asks him how that's possible after he promised Mike he was going to keep his secret from the rest of the brothers. Steve whines that he was starting to get mistaken for a gay person, and Kelly assures him that no one could possibly doubt his heterosexuality...or his horse's ass-edness, for that matter. She's annoyed that she no longer has an adequate number of guys to pose for her calendar, and Donna derisively asks Steve when he became so homophobic. Steve weakly insists he's not, and Kelly sarcastically retorts that he's not homophobic...he just doesn't want to know any gay people or have anything to do with them. A humbled Steve promises to smooth everything over with his KEG brothers and convince them to pose for the calendar.
Beach house. David answers the door and finds D'Shawn all dressed up and holding a pretty bouquet of flowers. David assumes he's there because he agreed to pose for the calendar, but D'Shawn says he's come to take Donna out for the evening. Donna breezes into the foyer, gushes over the flowers, and sarcastically introduces David as her "roommate". She hands David the flowers and orders him to put them in water, then leaves on her date with D'Shawn. As she and D'Shawn climb down the stairs, they giggle about the look of shock on David's face. She thanks D'Shawn for helping her get back at David, but D'Shawn says he still wants to go out on a date with her...and he looked totally serious when he said that. He suggests an evening of bowling, and she's down with that.
KEG house. Steve asks Artie if he and Mike worked things out, and Artie doesn't really answer and tells him to go ask Mike for himself. Steve heads over to Mike's room and notices that someone has smeared pink paint all over the door. Very mature, guys. Steve finds Mike packing his bags and says that the pink paint is nothing more than a stupid prank, then sheepishly apologizes for outing him...but Mike is too angry to accept his apology and just wants to get out of there. He tells Steve that Artie called for a membership meeting so that the brothers can vote to kick him out of the frat...but he's already more than willing to turn in his resignation without going through that formality. Steve asks him where he's going, and Mike snaps that he's going somewhere where he doesn't have to apologize for who he is: the gay coffeehouse.
Music recital. David visits Holly in her dressing room before her performance. He assures her she'll be amazing, and calms her nerves by taking her hands in his and talking to them as though they're people. He looked weird and silly doing that. Holly tells him she's glad he'll be in the audience.
The Peach Pit. After the recital, David and Holly order some pie and coffee. He gushes over the beauty of her hands, and tells her he felt a connection to her during the recital - as though she were playing just for him. Holly's bullshit radar has kicked in full force, and she tells him that sometimes music brings about emotions that aren't really there. He says he wants to make her life easier, and she assures him that she doesn't need rescuing, and that he really hurt his girlfriend's feelings earlier. Apparently, she could hear the hurt in Donna's voice when he made it obvious he didn't want her to come along to the recital. David's like, "Wuh?" and looks surprised that she accurately assessed that Donna is his girlfriend and that he was behaving like a jackass toward her. He admits that he and Donna have been together an interminablylooong time and that he really loves her...and Holly tells him to save the sweet talk for her. Haha!
Beach house. D'Shawn and Donna return from their pretend date, but David isn't home yet. Donna's miffed at David's crush on Holly, so D'Shawn starts blathering about how the girls he used to date didn't understand that his passion for basketball had nothing to do with his lack of passion for them. Well...OK, D'Shawn, but if you're rambling on and on about basketball while you're out on dates, there's no way you're not a shitty date. Donna tells him she's glad they became friends, and the two share a friendly good night hug.
Gay coffeehouse. Steve finds Mike there with a male friend, and the guy gets up and leaves them alone so they can talk privately. Mike tells Steve the sad tale about his ex-boyfriend, Gary, who left him 'cause he got tired of how uptight he was always was about being seen in public. Steve says he understands and tells him about how he screwed up things with Celeste by always keeping her separate from the rest of his life. Well...that and actually cheating on her with Laura Kingman. Mike looks startled and remarks that the two of them are more alike than he realized. Steve urges him to return to KEG house, but Mike doesn't want to...so Steve insists and tells him he needs to stand up to the guys. He promises to stand by him.
KEG house. The brothers are assembled to determine whether or not Mike should remain KEG president. The extent of Artie's case against Mike seems to be that if KEG has an openly gay president, the term "jock house" will take on a whole new meaning for this frat. The term "horse's ass", however, will retain the same meaning as it always has. He calls for the brothers to vote, but before that is allowed to get underway, Steve interrupts and says this issue deserves more discussion...and that Mike is entitled to have the opportunity to present his side. Mike walks over to the front of the room and tells the KEGers he had contemplated apologizing for being dishonest about his sexuality, but then realized he'd be selling them all short. He then thought about the first black, Jewish, Asian, and Hispanic brothers...and how KEG bravely challenged racial lines. He then came to the realization that the problem isn't about him being gay, it's about people being afraid of what they don't know. Artie interrupts and points out that man-on-man sex can't be compared with race, and Steve tells him that KEG is supposed to be about brotherhood and loyalty. He adds that these things shouldn't just be lip service, and if they are just lip service, everything that KEG stands for is a joke. Well...OK, but I think the fact that the acronym of this fraternity is synonymous with giant containers of beer is what makes it an ongoing joke. Steve makes a motion to keep Mike as president, Keith quickly seconds it, and the majority of brothers clap in approval. Artie looks stunned and bitchily tells Keith, "I'll be damned if I'm going to watch this place fall apart." He storms out, and Steve - who has happily decided to shed his homophobic skin for once and for all - gives Mike a congratulatory hug.
Photo shoot. Brandon is photographed in unsexy long red underwear, a scarf and hat...while Mike jokes around with D'Shawn, who's tells him he's glad he's part of the shoot. David tells Donna he loves her again, and volunteers to help out with the shoot, since a bunch of the guys who promised to pose didn't show. This prompts Kelly to eye both David and Dylan...and we're then forced to look at David's scrawny body dressed in nothing more than heart themed boxers. Fortunately, he covers most of himself by holding a large heart in front of him. Dylan is dressed in a wetsuit, flippers, and goggles, and looks as dorky and unsexy as Brandon and David.
I hope the Downey House isn't expecting much in the way of proceeds from this fugly calendar.
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