Recap: Donna's having a sexually charged dream in which she's being interviewed by Howard Stern - though it's not really Howard Stern, but rather her landlord, Mr. Pitts, in a long black wig and funky sunglasses. He tells her that his listeners keep calling the show, asking why she's still a virgin. Donna huffily tells him it's none of his business, but he just laughs and chants, "Donna...Donna...Donna..." and then his voice morphs into David's voice as he repeats Donna's name in an effort to wake her. He shows her the pretty bouquet of French tulips he bought for her and wishes her happy anniversary. She thanks him and gives him a hug, and the two reminisce about their first date at the West Beverly High winter dance two years ago. David gives her a from-behind hug and remarks how the Santa Ana winds affect people in different ways. He, for example, gets super horny. Donna ignores the overt hint and wanders off to the kitchen to put the tulips in some water...leaving a sexually frustrated David glaring into space.
The Peach Pit. Nat welcomes Brandon home after his San Francisco trip and asks how things went with Emily. Brandon just says, "Good" and doesn't elaborate further...and I was very happy 'bout that. Nat points at Steve, who's moping by himself at a table in the corner, and orders Brandon to go cheer him up. Brandon obediently ambles over and sits down, and Steve tells him the whole sordid story about the Hell Week scavenger hunt, and how he he was ordered by his KEG brothers to break into Professor Randall's office to steal his Jackie Robinson signed baseball and got caught red-handed by a security guard. Brandon scornfully tells him that if he were any dumber, he'd require fertilizer, which I thought was a little mean, but also pretty on the nose. He chides Steve for joining the dumb fraternity in the first place, and tells him it's getting tiresome having a best friend who's constantly getting into so much trouble. Steve gets defensive about his pathetic need to belong to the sacred brotherhood of Neanderthals and tells him not to 'dis KEG. He then asks Brandon if he could talk to Professor Randall to see if he'll let him slide on the break-in, but Brandon says he's in no position to ask the cuckolded man for any favors and asks why his frat brothers can't help him out of this mess. Steve glumly tells him they're having a meeting about this very issue later, so Brandon assumes they'll do something to bail him out. Not.
Beach house. Donna and Kelly are brushing out their hair in the bathroom, and discuss their dinner plans in Chinatown to celebrate Donna's/David's second anniversary. Kelly slips into her annoying babytalk voice and remarks how going to Chinatown is like going to a different country without having to pack...and Donna lets out one of her strange sounding hmm giggles. Kelly's bummed that she and Dylan aren't going to the dinner as a couple, and Donna tells her all about the faux Howard Stern sex dreams she's been having...blah blah. You're a grown woman. Have sex with David already.
California University. Dylan runs into Brandon in the Student Union and welcomes him back from his trip. He asks him how Emily's doing, and once again Brandon just says, "Good" and leaves it at that. He checks out the bulletin board where the grades for Sociology 101 are posted and is pleased to learn that he got an A+...but grimly notices that D'Shawn got a B+, which he assumes was not legitimately earned. He and Dylan briefly discuss the upcoming Chinatown dinner, and Dylan fills him in about the ugly scene that went down between him and Kelly on Thanksgiving. He says he just wants to get through tonight's dinner being as civil as possible with Kelly. That's weird...the writers must have forgotten that Kelly and Dylan had sort of made up when she was forced to kiss him during Hell Week, and then acted pretty friendly with him in several scenes after that.
The Walsh house. Brenda enters Brandon's room and asks him if he's ready to head out to Chinatown. She sits down next to him and asks how his trip was...and he says, "Good" and adds that he wishes everyone would stop asking him about Emily. But after some minor probing, he breaks down and tells Brenda that it was one of the best weeks of his life, and that he loves Emily...but it's moot because she disappeared to France to study marine biology. Brenda grins and teases him about how she can't wait to tell everyone...then warmly tells him she's glad he's home.
KEG house. Steve pleads with Mike to help him out of the mess caused by the break-in...but since Mike is a gutless pantywaist, he tells Steve that his hands are tied because hazing is illegal on the CU campus. He then whines about how the Progressives are gunning for fraternities, so they can't get involved in his break-in incident, despite the fact that Steve was just acting under the authority of KEG. Of which Mike is president. Just sayin'. Steve asks where this leaves him, then answers his own question when he says he fully realizes he can't tell anyone what he was doing in Professor Randall's office. John and Keith remind him of the importance of keeping the secrets of their douchebaggish brotherhood, and John momentarily pretends to care about Steve's fate and tells Mike there must be something they can do to help the guy out, since he was only doing what he was told. Mike, however, doesn't seem to give much of a rat's ass and thinks that Steve will just get a slap on the wrist, then informs Steve that he's now on KEG probation - egads! - and that the brothers will be treating him like a leper for the next few days. When Steve meekly agrees to endure their shitty treatment, John refers to him as "one huge stud", which was weird.
Chinatown. The gang, sans Steve and Ahn-drea, is out to dinner celebrating Donna's/David's second anniversary. Brenda and Brandon give the couple an American Gothic poster with Donna's giant head and David's much smaller head superimposed on it. When they're ready for dessert, everyone takes a fortune cookie, and Brandon makes them all play the "in bed" game, which means they add "in bed" to whatever their fortunes say. Donna cracks open her cookie and her fortune reads "You'll be starting a new adventure...in bed!" Everyone hoots at David, since they all assume he's finally going to get lucky after all this time. After they leave the restaurant, they all walk over to a nearby wishing well. Donna tosses in a coin and it ends up in the love bowl, while David's lands in the lucky bowl...and Brandon repeats the earlier joke about David getting lucky. David mutters, "From your mouth to God's ears." Donna overhears her boyfriend's desperate plea to a higher authority for some long awaited sex and looks contemplative. She tells everyone that she and David are planning to stop by West Beverly High for the winter dance and relive the old magic...but no one else is into that lame idea. Brenda asks Kelly if she needs a ride home, but Dylan gives Kelly a suggestive once-over and announces that he'll give her a ride. After everyone leaves, Kelly tells him she hasn't been herself all day...and it's not because of the sexy Santa Ana winds, but because she's nervous about being alone with him again. Dylan starts babbling about the power of the Sirocco winds, blah, blah...and the two start making out.
Beach house. By the time Donna and David arrive home, Donna is sneezing and wheezing up a storm. She tells David she had a wonderful time tonight, but all the dust from the Santa Ana winds is wreaking havoc with her nasal cavity and she desperately needs to take an antihistamine. David looks anxious when he points out that it'll just put her to sleep, but she blows him off and rushes over to the medicine cabinet. David and his blue balls are looking increasingly frustrated.
Jesse walks Ahn-drea back to her dorm room and tells her how great it was to meet Grandma Rose. Seriously? She introduced him to that nut so early on in the relationship? Ahn-drea gushes about how easily he won her grandmother's favor when her took a second helping of her latkes, which he insists were delicious. He then hands her a baseball glove as a Hanukkah gift and tells her she'll need it if she's going to be hanging around him. He leans toward her, and the two indulge in a really long, blechy smooch. They agree to get together the next day, and Jesse heads off for home. As Ahn-drea strolls back to her dorm room with a nauseatingly dreamy look on her face, she's startled by the sight of Dan Rubin creepily staring at her from his doorway. He sarcastically wishes her a good night.
Donna's having her faux Howard Stern sex dream again. This time, fake Howard is interviewing her parents, along with David "hotpants". Fake Howard accuses David of pressuring Donna to hit the sheets with him, so David explains that he just wants to share the intimacy of a real relationship. Dr. Martin tells fake Howard that he pretty much leaves all the parenting to his uppity wife - no duh - and Felice chimes in to haughtily inform David that she doesn't believe in the motives of young men who wear earrings. (Me neither, Felice.) David hastily removes his earrings and tells the Martins that he loves Donna for her mind, not just her skeletal body. In fact, he's so desperate to get his wick dipped that he offers to marry Donna if she agrees to put out. Fake Howard and Felice think that over for a few seconds and agree that that sounds A-OK. Felice announces that she's giving her daughter permission to do the wild thing with David, and this makes Donna suddenly wake up in a cold sweat.
Dylan's house. Kelly and Dylan are in bed, enjoying a post-coital snack of strawberries and whipped cream. Out of nowhere, Dylan decides he wants them to pack up and drive to Joshua Tree National Park, start a fire, and camp there all night. Kelly tells him she can't because her sorority is having a car wash she can't get out of, and Dylan gets all moody and bitchy and snaps that he doesn't want to hear about her stupid car wash. He abruptly gets out of the bed and grumbles that they'll meet up later.
California University. Brandon runs into D'Shawn, who sort of apologizes for the way he threatened to tell Professor Randall about his alleged dalliance with Lucinda. Brandon asks him how he earned a B+ in Randall's class, and D'Shawn pretty much admits that Randall just handed it to him. He then gets all defensive and tells Brandon that he doesn't live in his world, and that he's cool with getting a good grade without having done a damn thing to earn it. Brandon tells him it's a shame that he missed out on Sociology 101, since the coursework was so fascinating, and D'Shawn's like, "Whatever" and says he has to hit the gym.
Car wash. Kelly's washing one of the cars when Leslie comes over and asks her where Donna is, so she tells her that Donna's at the radio station doing some public service spots, but will be by later. A minute later, Dylan makes a surprise appearance and gets amorous with Kelly. Wow - he really got over his pissy mood in record time. John Sears notices their canoodling and sprays them with his hose, so Kelly sprays him back...and a minute later an obligatory water fight breaks out and everyone starts dumping buckets of water on each others' heads. Steve arrives at that moment and tries to join in the fun, but gutless Mike reminds him that he's supposed to keep his distance from the frat until the charges against him are resolved, and orders him to leave. Steve sadly walks back to his car.
Radio station. Donna and David record some radio spots on the dangers of drinking and driving...and after that, she tells him how sexy he is, and how grateful she is to him for not dumping her after rebuffing his sexual advances for so long. She acknowledges that they've waited a long time to go to bed together...and adds that lately all the signs seem to be pointing toward them doinking. She then announces that tonight will be the night, and both David and his penis are thrilled with this latest development.
Ahn-drea and Jesse are strolling around in Jesse's old 'hood. He buys her a white rose and remarks how much he likes visiting his old stomping grounds so he never forgets where he comes from...and Ahn-drea looks deeply impressed by that. He tells her he wants to treat her to the best burrito in the city and steers her over to a lunch trunk, which turns out to be his family's business. He introduces Ahn-drea to his mother, uncle and cousin, and Ahn-drea gushingly tells Mrs. Vasquez how awesome her son is. After Jesse orders burritos for the two of them, he asks her if she wants to go to his place later for a romp in the sack...and Ahn-drea looks totally into it. Plus, the writers need to get Ahn-drea's out-of-wedlock pregnancy storyline rolling asap.
Brandon drops by Professor Randall's office, but finds Lucinda there instead. She tells him he just missed her husband, and says that she told D'Shawn nothing naughty happened between them. She then needlessly shares that she and her husband got into a nasty fight, and he's now in a foul mood. On the subject of his office break-in, she informs Brandon that the campus cops were tipped off by an anonymous phone call shortly before Steve was caught red-handed in Randall's office. She offers to find out more if Brandon's "nice" to her - and by nice I'm fairly certain she means mounting her and doinking her atop her husband's desk - but Brandon declines and stalks off, leaving Lucinda looking as sexually frustrated as David. The woman has some serious issues.
The Peach Pit. Steve is seated at the counter looking lost and forlorn. Brandon enters the diner and seats himself beside Steve, but Steve is still miffed about the way he said he was as dumb as fertilizer. Haha...it's still funny hearing it a second time. Brandon apologizes for the insensitive insult, and tells him that getting caught in Randall's office wasn't his fault after all, since it turns out that he was set up. He explains that the cops got an anonymous phone call, which warned them about the break-in in advance. Steve immediately suspects a KEG brother, and Brandon now agrees to talk to Professor Randall to see if he can get him to drop the burglary charges.
Beach house. David is naked except for a pair of tighty-whiteys, and he's lighting several candles in one of the bedrooms. Donna appears in the doorway wearing a silky pink robe, and David's like, "Wow." She looks pleased with the romantic ambiance he's creating and tells him that they'll remember this night for the rest of their lives. He asks her if she's finally, really, absolutely ready to lose her precious cherry, but before she can answer, the two start making out heavily. The doorbell rings, but Donna just assumes it's Kelly and that she forgot her key...so David rushes over to the door and is shocked to see Donna's parents standing there. Felice explains that they dropped in to surprise Donna, then asks him what he's doing sans clothing in their daughter's apartment at this late hour. David struggles to come up with a plausible story and tells her he was taking a nap and that Donna isn't home...and that he sometimes likes to hang out at her apartment in nothing more than his gitch. LOL. Of course, his weak story completely blows apart when Donna suddenly appears at the door to see what the hold-up is, and is aghast at the sight of her parents. Felice snarks at David that she thought he said Donna was out, and Donna tries to convince her mother that she sneaked in a few minutes ago, and asks David what he's doing there. For good measure, she makes up a story about how David's AC isn't working, so they're letting him sleep on the couch. Felice doesn't buy that obvious lie, so Donna throws in the towel and finally comes clean about how David has been living in the third bedroom for the past few months. It's a little weird that Felice never questioned why Donna and Kelly moved into a three bedroom apartment in the first place. Donna tells her parents that she and David aren't living together in the 'sleeping together' sense, and assures her uptight mother that her sainted virginity is still fully intact. Felice is furious that Donna has been lying to her this entire time...and dramatically recalls how every phone call and letter has been a betrayal. She then tells her mute, milksop of a husband that she now regrets leaving Donna alone while they went off to live in Houston.
The next morning, Donna is on the phone with David, who's at a pay phone somewhere far away from the beach house. She tells him that her parents are waiting to take her to church so that the priest can exorcise from her any lingering scraps of sexual desire. After they exchange I love yous, Donna ends the call and heads over to the living room where her parents are waiting. Her father tells her that after the church service they're going to have brunch, and then a cringeworthy discussion about her non-existent sex life. Donna apologizes for last night, and Felice bitches again about how she was lied to...but Donna points out that if she'd been honest with her, she never would have allowed the three of them to move into the beach house together. Dr. Martin suddenly reclaims his balls and says that Donna is absolutely right, and that she has her own life now and needs to make her own decisions. This makes Felice backtrack a little and she says she finds it hard to accept that her baby is all grown up. Donna insists that she's done nothing to make them ashamed of her, but Felice looks doubtful and says she doesn't know if she can trust her. Donna promises Mommie Dearest that she'll remain a reverent virgin until her wedding night, and Felice looks reasonably satisfied with that, and the two women hug. Yeesh. That whole scene really creeped me out.
KEG house. Steve drops by to talk to Keith and John to see if he can figure out which of the brothers ratted him out. Gee, I wonder. He asks them how many people knew about the imminent break-in, but John doesn't answer, and angrily orders Steve to leave. When Steve presses Keith, he admits that he and John were the only ones who knew, and Steve tells him he should wonder about how he got caught red-handed at the exact moment of the break-in.
Dylan's house. Kelly and Dylan are hanging out together on the back patio and come to the conclusion that they can be a couple without having to spend every waking moment together. Er...OK. Whatever.
Dorm. Ahn-drea is ambling down the hall wearing frumpy overalls to conceal her real life pregnancy when Dan Rubin suddenly appears and snidely asks her how Hanukkah with Jesus was. Ahn-drea snippily corrects him and says his name is Jesse, then asks him if he's going to be creepily watching her all the time. He sarcastically tells her he's worried about her 'cause he thinks this new romance is just a novelty. He can't imagine what she and Jesus have to talk about, so Ahn-drea smugly informs him that Jesse is a second year law student. Dan then gets really dickish and attributes Jesse's academic success to affirmative action, and comes right out and asks her if she loves this guy. Ahn-drea says she does (wuh? after two dates?!) and so he leans toward her and bitchily retorts, "Then adios, muchacha." What a hateful ass. Fortunately, I think this is the last we ever have to see of him.
It's Sunday morning and Brandon is waiting by Professor Randall's office...and when he arrives, it's obvious he's in a shit-kicking mood. He bitches that he doesn't have office hours on Sundays, then snaps at Brandon to make it quick. Brandon explains that the bonehead who broke into his office is his good friend Steve, and that he was just doing it as part of a harmless fraternity prank. Randall responds by blathering incoherently about the great hitters in baseball...and a bewildered Brandon tries to get him back on track and tells him he wants him to drop the charges against Steve. Randall says he could, but won't...then gives Brandon a bitter stink-eye and blurts out, "Because you've been hitting the sheets with my wife." Bwahahaha!! He says he knows the way Lucinda gets when she targets someone, and doesn't believe that Brandon could have restrained himself from doinking her. He then raves about how he'll take his anger out on whoever he wants, even though it should probably be squarely aimed at his slutty wife. He orders Brandon to leave, and Brandon threatens to go to the media, the dean, or whoever will listen and tattle about how he gave D'Shawn a B+ in his class so he could stay eligible to play on the university's basketball team this year. Randall smugly tells him he can't prove that, and Brandon retorts, "Try me."
Beach house. David's on the balcony, gazing out at the ocean when Donna arrives home. She tells him that things went OK with her parents, and that they consented to her living arrangements at the beach house...but only if she and David keep things the way they are. David looks happy to hear that and immediately wants to go back to the bedroom, but Donna makes a face, pulls away from him and says, "I don't think so." David looks irritated and exclaims, "Now what?!" so Donna tells him she gave her parents her word that she would remain chaste and untouched...indefinitely. David gets annoyed and mutters that he knew spending time with Felice would wig her out about sex, and that it's like high school all over again. Donna tries to convince him that they have a lot more between them than just sex, but David just continues to look pissed off. She hugs him and tells him he's the best...and he's no doubt contemplating exactly how he's going to give her the dumperoo in the next episode.
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