Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 3, Episode 5

"I am, 'ow you zay,
a 'orrible beeech."

"Shooting Star/American in Paris"
Original airdate: 8/12/1992

Episode summary: A few days before she's due to leave Paris, Brenda meets Dean Cain and for some reason decides to speak English to him in a terrible, phony French accent. Brandon, meanwhile, tries to line up a job interview for a hostile homeless man.

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Recap: After a shopping excursion, Brenda and Donna stroll through a lovely, fake Paris park. Brenda tells Donna that she's nearly out of money, and is therefore all shopped out. She then declares that since they have only a few days left in Paris, she's going to try to soak up as much of the historic city as she can.

Beverly Hills Beach Club. Ahn-drea and her day camp kids are flying kites on the beach...and Brandon's there too, helping out. The deaf kid, Cameron, breaks into a run with his kite and accidentally collides with a stenchy looking vagrant. Brandon and Ahn-drea rush over to make sure the kid's OK, and the vagrant snaps at him to watch where he's going. As Ahn-drea helps a startled Cameron to his feet, the vagrant immediately looks shamefaced and tells Brandon that he didn't mean to scare the kid. He explains that the reason he's so rancid is 'cause it's tough to get a shower while "on the road". Brandon reaches into his pocket for some spare change, but the vagrant gets all pissy and tells him he wasn't asking for a handout.


Ahn-drea tells Brandon they should report the creepy vagrant to Henry, but he says that that would be pointless since they're on a public beach. Also, he thinks the vagrant is harmless...even if a little bitchy. Brooke rollerblades over to the two of them, wearing a monochromatic unitard shorts get-up. Ahn-drea immediately excuses herself to go tend to her day camp kids, and Brandon admires his athletic gal's new form-fitting look. He challenges her to a race later that day, and she's down for it. She then notices the vagrant picking through a garbage can and starts griping about how tired she is of all these transients hanging around, and complains that the beach isn't private. Brandon teasingly calls her an elitist, a descriptor which seems to please her enormously. [Red flag #1, Brandon] The two then give each other one last smooch before she rolls away.


Steve is shirtless and strutting around the beach club in a pair of short shorts. Ew. He suddenly hears the horrid sound of David's singing coming out of the Silver/Taylor cabana and rushes over. He finds David sitting at a table, doing some mixing with his latest "song". Steve asks him whose music that is and looks surprised when David tells him it's his. Steve doesn't believe it and warns David that it's a serious crime to take credit for someone else's music, and a flattered David assures him it really is his voice. Of course it is - what teenage boy would lie about singing with so girlish a voice if it wasn't actually his voice? David encourages Steve to take one of his finished tapes, listen to it, and get back to him with his opinion. If you'd like my opinion, David, I can give it to you right now: your music is awesuckingly horrific.


Beach. Kelly has just gotten out of the water and is toweling herself off when Dylan approaches. She tells him her mother's expecting her, then hurries away from him. He catches up to her and asks her how long she's planning on avoiding him. Despite all of their recent kissing, she tells him that nothing happened between them, and that they should leave well enough alone 'cause Brenda will be returning home from Paris in a few days - but Dylan doesn't agree that they should leave well enough alone, and says it's not easy for him to just forget about how close they've gotten this summer. Kelly insists that they're just friends...and she doesn't want their mutual flirtation to get in the way of her friendship/his relationship with Brenda.


Paris. Brenda is ambling through a park and sits down on one of the benches. A few feet away, Dean Cain is strolling along, wearing a Wisconsin t-shirt and carrying a large backpack. He notices Brenda sitting alone, looks intrigued, and approaches her. He greets her with a bonjour...and this appears to be the extent of his French vocabulary. An amused Brenda starts speaking to him in English, but does so in the worst, most painful sounding, phony French accent ever attempted. It's the vocal equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. Dean Cain is relieved to hear her speak English, doesn't appear to have a clue that her accent isn't authentic, and stares at her intensely. He tells her that all his life he's dreamed of coming to Paris and meeting "the quintessential French beauty"...and here she is. Ugh. Such schmaltz. Brenda looks as though she's about to come clean about not being French, 'cause she switches back to her regular American accent when she says, "Look -" but then pauses and, for some inane reason, decides to keep pretending that she's a native Parisian. She tells him her name is Brenda Dubois, and when he asks her if Brenda is a French name, she makes up some shit about how it's a lot more common in western France. Dean Cain, who's clearly very attracted to her, tells her that he needs help finding his hotel. Brenda looks over the address, tells him she knows where it is, and agrees to take him there. In the next scene they arrive at the hotel, and a grateful Dean Cain invites Brenda to dinner. She tells him she cannot go that evening because she has plaahns with her girlfriends, so he asks her if she'd be willing to give him a tour of the city the following day. She looks hesitant but finally agrees.


Donna and Maggie are appalled by the idea of Brenda giving a tour to Dean Cain as she masquerades as a native Parisian. Donna doesn't think she can keep the act going all day, which prompts Brenda to slip into her cringe-tastic accent and smugly declare, "I just talk like zeez and he sinks that I am from Paree." OMFG. Donna advises her to tell Dean Cain the truth, but Brenda refuses to do that "because it's fun". Sorry...no. That accent is not fun for anyone with ears. Brenda also points out that she's gone too far to admit the truth to him now. Maggie then lights up a cigarette, and just as Donna starts bitching about the evils of second-hand smoke, Brenda lights one up too. An annoyed Donna fans the smoke away from her face as the three girls head off to dinner.


Beach. Brooke and Brandon are rollerblading together, holding hands. They stop for a short rest, and after Brandon teases Brooke about being too exhausted to keep up with him, he proposes a race back to the beach club. She's up for it and starts rolling. Brandon is about to follow her when he spots the vagrant again...and the vagrant notices Brandon looking over at him, so he spreads out his arms and snarls, "Life's a beach, bro. What do you want me to say?" How about nothing, Mr. Stenchy Pants. Brooke returns to see what's holding Brandon up, so he points to the vagrant and tells her that he saw him earlier...and remarks that he can't believe people live like that. Brooke, however, doesn't give a rat's ass about the stinky man's plight and tells Brandon she just wants to get the hell out of there.


Dylan's house. Dylan is wearing a wife-beater as he reads and eats Chinese food. Kelly stops by 'cause she's feeling guilt-ridden for telling Dylan that nothing happened between them this summer...and explains that she's mostly afraid that their recent closeness is going to get in the way of their real life. Dylan solemnly tells her that everything is real to him, and when Kelly insists that there is no "us", Dylan edges closer to her and asks her if she came all the way over just to tell him that. Blushing, she admits that she wanted to see him, and this pleases him. She also admits that she can't just kiss a guy she's had a crush on her whole life and then pretend that it doesn't mean anything. Mmm hmm. Dylan thinks their kissing means they like each other, but she theorizes that they probably just did it out of loneliness. Dylan then caresses her long blonde locks, and the two start making out once again. In a tortured voice, Kelly asks him what they're going to dooooo.


Paris. Donna and Maggie are about to leave the hotel to go shopping when a phone call is put through to the front desk. It's for Brenda, but since the phone operator sees Donna walking by, she asks her if she'd like to take it. It's Dylan, and he catches Donna off-guard when he asks her about Brenda's whereabouts. Donna unconvincingly stammers that Brenda went sight-seeing...all by herself. Dylan sighs dramatically and says he just wanted to hear Brenda's voice, and Donna assures him that Brenda is looking forward to going home. 


Meanwhile, Brenda and Dean Cain are strolling along the fake streets of Little Europe, and he takes an excessive amount of photos of her.


Beverly Hills Beach Club. Steve is shirtless once again, dressed in another pair of short shorts. Blech. Would it kill the guy to put on a t-shirt once in awhile so we're not always forced to look at his pasty naked torso? David rushes over to ask him if he listened to his tape yet...but Steve tells him he hasn't. David is eager for him to listen to it 'cause he's somehow under the misguided notion that Steve is connected to people in the music biz. Steve promises he'll listen to his tape, but condescendingly advises him, "Don't call us, we'll call you."


Brandon is coaching Cameron on the art of kite-flying, and the two run along the beach in an attempt to launch the kite in the air. The vagrant is sitting nearby and offers some unsolicited advice about how they need to release more line, and a creeped out Cameron runs off with his kite while Brandon goes over to talk to the vagrant. His finds out that the guy's name is Jack Canner, and that he's a war veteran who served in Desert Storm. While Jack was overseas, his entire life in the U.S. fell apart: he lost his wife, child, house, and job. Brandon asks him if he'd be interested in working if a job happened to become available, and he says he definitely would.


The scene then cuts to Henry saying, "Forget it, Walsh." Henry tells him that he too was in the military, has heard his share of hard-luck stories from veterans, but is of the opinion that these unwashed stinkers just want a handout. Brandon insists that Jack Canner is willing to work and reminds Henry that he needs to hire some guys for a cleanup crew. Henry replies that he already has all the guys he needs, but Brandon urges him to at least meet with Jack. Henry sighs, and looks like he might possibly be willing to give it a try.


Paris. Brenda and Dean Cain are walking along a lovely pathway. Dean Cain is clearly quite smitten with Brenda, and she's struggling to keep the needy boy at arm's length. He asks her if she has many French boyfriends, and she tells him she doesn't have any French boyfriends. Technically, I guess that's true. She reveals that she has relatives in Minnesota and California, and he remarks that he's thinking of transferring to UCLA after enduring so many cold Midwestern winters. He then invites her to dinner that evening, and she accepts.


Beverly Hills Beach Club. Kelly is tanning on a lounger when Dylan comes calling. He tells her there's a much better way to spend a hot day than toasting in the sun...and in the next scene the two are jet-skiing together. Eventually Dylan wipes out, and they both end up in the water, and he swims toward her and the two share a long wet kiss. Afterward, they agree on how much fun jet-skiing was...but once again she reminds him that in a few days they'll be turning into "pumpkins". Dylan says that they've just been having fun, so Kelly brings up all the kissing they've been doing. He responds by giving her a playful kiss...and the two just smile at each other. Squeal! I'm soooo looking forward to watching the fur fly when this hook-up goes public.


Paris. Brenda and Dean Cain are having dinner together in a restaurant. He chides her for never wanting to talk about her family, so she tells him she has to keep some "zecrets". Only someone who has something to hide needs to keep zecrets. Since Dean Cain is so relentlessly eager to know as much about her as possible, Brenda throws him a bone and gives him some vague details about her parents. She reveals that she and Papa Walsh "How do you say...do not zee aye to aye." Good God. Dean Cain correctly guesses that the source of this friction is a boy, and Brenda admits that this boy is still very much in the picture. That said, she abruptly ends their night out and tells him it's time to go. Dean Cain wants to get together with her the following day, but she declines and tells him he's on his own. He argues that she hasn't yet taught him any of the local customs...like kissing on both cheeks, for example. He wants to know if there's some kind of special technique to it, other than just regular cheek kissing. Brenda indulges him and kisses both of his cheeks - and while she's doing that he totally looks like he's going to explode in his pants. To cap off the evening, she gives him a full-on lip kiss.


Beverly Hills Beach Club. Brandon and Brooke are strolling along, discussing their plans to have dinner that evening with Mama and Papa Walsh. Brandon informs her that he might be a little late picking her up because he arranged for a job interview for the vagrant, Jack Canner. Brooke snorts derisively and warns Brandon that the guy is probably just a hustler who wants some spare change so he can blow it on booze. Brandon insists that he wants to help Jack out, then jokes that he must be the nicest guy in America. Brooke cynically advises Brandon to keep an eye on his wallet.


In the beach club's parking lot, Steve is in his Corvette, bobbing his head to the beat of David's godawful music...and while he's doing that, Dylan and Kelly pull into the spot beside him. Kelly yells at him to turn the volume down, and complains about how sick she is of having to listen to that dreck at home all the time. Steve is surprised to have it confirmed that it really is David's music, so Kelly retorts, "Why would anyone lie about something that sounds like that?" Haha...exactly! Steve is deeply impressed with David's "talent" and exclaims that his music is great. When Kelly tells him that David's probably at home, Steve takes off.


Brandon tells Jack Canner that he set up an interview for him with Henry to discuss a job with the clean-up crew. He then acknowledges that Jack is a war hero and deserves a break. Jack sarcastically remarks, "Oh yeah, real heroic." Brandon's like, "Wuh?" so Jack tells him how he was part of the elite corps of the Marines and ended up sitting on his ass in the desert for six months, waiting to go home. His wife then used his tour of duty as an opportunity to move out, file for divorce, and get full custody of their child. Sounds to me like someone was looking for an out and then found the perfect opportunity to cut stinky pants loose. Jack shakes Brandon's hand and tells him he appreciates everything he's doing to help him out.


Cabana. Kelly is rubbing aloe on her arms. Dylan, who's sitting behind her, starts slathering lotion on her back, and this makes her purr, "That feels really goood." He tells her that he's going to Paradise Cove the following evening to camp out under the stars and invites her to join him. When she tells him she can't, he promises to bring two sleeping bags to ensure that no hanky panky can occur...and she jokes, "Then why bother?" Heh. Dylan describes how beautiful it is to lie under the stars, and Kelly definitely looks tempted. The two then lean toward each other and start smooching just as David approaches the cabana. Incidentally, the door of the cabana was left wide open, so anyone walking by could easily have gotten an eyeful of their sexy canoodling. Realizing what he just stumbled upon, David awkwardly apologizes and then flees. Kelly jumps up in a panic and tells Dylan, "This is not good". She tells him for the umpteenth time that they can't keep doing this because someone's going to get hurt - and that someone is a person they both love.


Paris. Brenda returns to her hotel room at 2:00am with a very sheepish look on her face. Donna has been waiting up for her and berates her for getting in so late. Where does she get off being so judgey? I seem to recall Donna having several late nights of her own during her implausible fashion model stint. Brenda tells her that she had a great time, and that it was hard saying goodbye to Dean Cain...so she didn't! He insisted on getting together with her the next day. An exasperated Donna reminds Brenda that in thirty hours she's going to be on a plane, heading home to the love of her life. Brenda climbs into bed and turns off the lights. She stares at the ceiling and starts pontificating about what if there was someone you were intended to meet...and by some twist of fate you don't, and then miss out on your destiny? Donna just looks confused and theorizes that Dean Cain must have "touched off" Brenda's feelings for Dylan.


The Walsh house. Brooke is having dinner with the Walshes, and they're all having a nice time reminiscing about summers in Minnesota. Brooke then asks Mama and Papa Walsh which of them Brandon gets his idealism from, and proceeds to tell them how he set up a job interview for a stinky homeless man he encountered on the beach. Mama and Papa Walsh smile proudly, but Brandon graciously credits his twin sister for having far more idealism that he. Wuh? Brenda's idealistic? Papa Walsh agrees with this rubbish and tells Brooke that Brenda has managed to bring home every stray dog in every neighborhood they've ever lived in. Well, OK, I guess there was that time she dragged home a disheveled Santa Claus during Season 2's Christmas episode...and the actual dog she briefly housed in the garage. Brooke remarks that there's nothing wrong with helping people...as long as they want to be helped.


Kelly's/David's house. David enters Kelly's bedroom as she's blow-drying her hair. She denies that there's anything going on between her and Dylan, but David doesn't buy it and tells her that her secret is safe with him. Kelly tries to convince him that what he saw in the cabana wasn't what it looked like...even though it was pretty much exactly what it looked like. David remains unconvinced, but makes a deal with her: he promises not to tell Brenda about what "didn't happen" between her and Dylan, if she doesn't tell Donna about what "didn't happen" between him and Nikki. Kelly agrees, then swiftly changes the subject to Steve and how he was looking for David earlier in order to discuss his music. David gets very excited to hear this, and Kelly laughingly asks him why he gives a hoot about what Steve thinks of his songs. David tells her that since Steve has contacts in the music business, he might be able to help him score a record deal. Kelly laughs at the notion of Steve having any kind of influence in the music industry...and I laughed too.


Paris. A goodbye party for the Americans is in full swing at the hotel, and Brenda is moping about the kismet between her and Dean Cain that will never be. Suddenly, as if by magic, Dean Cain enters the room! Brenda sees him, instantly panics, and points him out to Donna. Maggie doesn't waste a minute latching onto him, and Brenda is dismayed when it looks as though the two are flirting. Donna hurries over to steer Maggie away from Dean Cain, and then Brenda explains to her that the guy she was just talking to is the same guy she's been torturing with her phony accent for the past couple of days. Maggie is shocked at the revelation, but agrees to flirt elsewhere. Brenda then walks right up to Dean Cain and tells him she's attending the party in order to say goodbye to her American friends. The two step onto the terrace to get some privacy, and Brenda continues to ramble nonsensically in her ghastly French accent. Dean Cain tells her he loves the way she talks, which is further proof that he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. He says none of the girls he knows back in Wisconsin sound like her...and that none of them are as special. Blech. He then tells her he doesn't believe she's very serious about her so-called boyfriend, otherwise she wouldn't be at the party alone, talking to him. Brenda looks tormented and tells him to stop mooning over her, but he ignores her and claims that fate brought them together, and that they click. Brenda insists that there's no future for the two of them, but he ignores that too and invites her to leave Paris and spend the next few weeks traveling with him. She declines the offer and tells him, "Sings are not always vat zey zeem." Heh, no sheet. The two share one final kiss.


Beverly Hills Beach Club. David is stretched out on a lounger, wearing headphones and rapping quietly to himself. Steve comes over and turns the music off. He tells David that he listened to the tape, but doesn't think it's great...however, if they can package it the right way, it's possible it could be marketable. He then declares himself to be David's new business manager, despite David having no interest in or knowledge about hiring a business manager. He tells Steve he really just wanted him to steer him down the right path, introduce him to the right people, get a record deal...and then live happily ever after with his millions. Steve tells him there's a cost to his "connections", and after some haggling, they finally agree on Steve getting a 10% cut of any future earnings. David tells him that he wants a gig within the next two weeks, otherwise the deal's off.


Brandon pays a visit to Henry on his balcony, looking embarrassed. Apparently Jack Canner was a no-show for the job interview Brandon had arranged. Henry tells him he knew Jack wouldn't show up, and thinks maybe the guy is too far gone, or perhaps isn't ready to re-enter the workforce. Brandon is eager to find Jack and give him the what-for, so he hops on his bicycle and rides along the beach's bike path. He sees a vagrant who looks like Jack from behind, but ends up not being Jack. He's also no help whatsoever to Brandon in locating Jack.


Kelly is suntanning, looking fabulous in a red bikini. Dylan stops by to tell her he's on his way to Paradise Cove to sleep under the stars. She tells him she can't go, but he insists that the offer remains open if, by chance, she changes her mind. He tells her he won't push it further and says, "See you around" and Kelly stares after him wistfully.


Brooke finds Brandon at the juice bar, moping about Jack's job interview no-show. Brooke urges him to let it go, and points out that Jack Canner isn't wasting any time thinking about him. She then cheers him up with several kisses. Suddenly, a panicked Ahn-drea interrupts their kissing. She's having a major freakout 'cause she can't find Cameron...but the dull non-crisis is swiftly averted when Brandon spots the lad a few feet away, casually eating an ice cream cone. Ahn-drea rushes over to him and chastises him for wandering off alone, so he uses sign language to tell her he had to use the can...and when Brandon and Brooke realize he'd been in the can, they chuckle over the obnoxiousness of Ahn-drea's anxiety issues. Cameron signs for her to "mellow out".


Paris. Everyone is packed and ready to leave for the airport. Brenda's still bummed 'cause all she can think about is how Dean Cain will be waiting for her on the street. She impulsively tells Donna that she has to say goodbye to him one last time. A startled Donna warns her that the airport bus is leaving in twenty minutes, but Brenda ignores her and takes off. After running several blocks, she sees Dean Cain in the distance...but he's given up waiting for her and has flagged down a cab. Brenda watches him get inside the cab and drive away...and out of her life forever. For now.


Paradise Cove. Dylan is stretched out in front of a campfire, looking both thoughtful and morose. Suddenly, Kelly arrives with a pizza. She tells him she doesn't know what she's doing at the Cove...but he does. This will be the last chance they'll be able to be alone like this. She then sits down with him, admires the stars, and squeals happily when she sees a shooting star. Dylan then pulls her close and holds her in his arms.

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