Recap: This episode starts off with a lot of superfluous footage of the various boats docked at Marina Del Rey and of people tinkering with their expensive toys. A car pulls into the nearby parking lot, and Jack, Christine, and Dylan climb out. Christine complains about the cold weather, but keeps her whining to a minimum because she knows how excited Jack is about his new boat. Jack starts prattling about how there's not a cloud in the sky and that the most important thing he learned from prison is to live each day as if it's your last 'cause you never know. [Spoiler: foreshadowing] Christine rebukes him for being morbid, then gives him a big kiss.
The three head toward the docks, and Jack challenges them to guess which of the boats is his. Dylan and Christine point at a bunch of little boats, but neither of them guesses right. They're stunned when Jack leads them toward a very large, very luxurious yacht and smiles proudly. He introduces Dylan and Christine to his captain, Terry Wilson (who we soon learn isn't really a captain). Dylan and Christine are very impressed with the yacht and climb aboard for a tour. As Dylan checks out the gorgeous interior, he asks Jack how he's able to afford something so extravagant. Jack gives him a vague explanation about how he took the fall for a lot of guys who could have ended up in prison along with him, and now it's payback time.
Christine giddily describes the yacht as exquisite, and she and Jack kiss amorously. When "Captain" Terry enters the room, Jack encourages Christine and Dylan to explore the rest of the boat while he goes over some details with the captain. Once the two are safely out of earshot, Terry remarks to Jack that he has a fine son, and Jack snaps at him to leave him out of this. Terry retorts that it's a little late for that, then complains that Jack hasn't come up with the money yet. He asks what the holdup is, and as he asks that, the camera pans over to a nearby white van...and inside are two men wearing headphones, listening to the conversation. I assume they're FBI agents or undercover cops, but their presence isn't explained during the episode, so it's hard to know for sure. Terry bitches at Jack that "time is money" and orders him to speed up getting the money...or he can kiss their deal goodbye. He slithers out of the room just as Dylan reappears and exclaims what a super cool yacht this is. He asks which cabin is his, and Jack tells him to choose whichever one he likes best, and abruptly changes the subject to his trust fund. He urges Dylan to give Papa Walsh a call to see whassup with the dissolution of the fund. Dylan is reluctant to call Papa Walsh because of the whole Brenda/breakup/inner bitch situation, but Jack sternly reminds him that this is bidness. Dylan, who continues to ignore all of the bright red flags flapping all around him, obediently promises to look into the matter. After he heads off to school, Jack quietly stares out the window and looks anxiety ridden.
The Walsh house. Papa Walsh and Brandon are at the breakfast table when Mama Walsh and Brenda enter the kitchen after their morning jog. They're upset because one of their female neighbors just got mugged while jogging in a nearby park. Mama Walsh goes over to a drawer and rummages through it until she finds a flyer she had been holding onto, which advertises an upcoming self defense workshop at the local community center. She tells Brenda it's time they "armed" themselves - and so Brenda agrees to go, but only because she has nothing better to do. And yes, she actually says that to her mother.
Kelly's/David's house. Kelly and David are eating breakfast together when Jackie enters the kitchen with some bad news. She tells them she's been going over her finances with her accountant and has come to the conclusion that she can no longer afford the house they're currently living in. She explains that when she married Mel, she gave up her alimony...but now that they're divorcing, the mortgage payments are too steep for her to handle on her own. Kelly is shocked by the news, and David sheepishly blames his philandering douchebag of a father for causing the situation...but Jackie is really nice about it and tells him that it's no one's fault (even though it sort of is Mel's fault), and that sometimes things just work out this way. She rushes off to get dressed for a meeting with her new realtor. Kelly tells David that through all of her mother's travails with drugs, alcoholism, and the revolving door of idiot men she hooked up with or married, the one constant in her life was this house. The phone suddenly rings and it's Serge Menkin, a record producer who wants to speak to David. LOL...yes, really. David takes the call, and is surprised and thrilled to learn that he's been invited to come to the studio next week to lay down some rhythm tracks. Note: this call serves as a warning that David's breathy, girlish singing voice will be rejoining the show in earnest very soon. Kelly tells him that that's great news, and jokes about how he needs to hurry up and get rich so he can buy the house.
West Beverly High. Steve finds Brandon standing in the outdoor quad reading the sports page. He compliments him on his recent purchase of a new car stereo and skis and is clearly impressed with the way he's been raking in the dough with all of his sports gambling. Several feet away, David spots Steve and rushes over, but Steve turns his back on him and starts walking the other way. David runs after him and tries to tell him the good news about Serge Menkin calling, but Steve snarks that he doesn't want to hear about it...and then storms off.
Donna is in the DJ booth, performing a cringeworthy rap and referring to herself as Donna Donna. She then babbles nonsensically about Fridays and all of the unfortunate souls out there who don't have plans on Fridays. And speaking of losers who have no exciting Friday night plans, Brenda enters the booth and asks her what she's doing that evening. Donna tells her that David is coming over...but then Brenda barks, "Not anymore" and orders her to attend the self defense workshop with her and Mama Walsh. Donna has no real interest in doing that and says she's not the aggressive type, but Brenda snaps back that it's time she learned to defend herself. And set boundaries with bossy, bitchy friends...like right now, for example. Donna asks her where this sudden interest in self defense training is coming from, so Brenda tells her she's a little rattled 'cause her neighbor was mugged that morning - but Donna remains skeptical and suggests that she's actually attending this workshop because she has nothing better to do. Brenda admits that that's part of the reason, but insists it's not the main reason. Ahn-drea suddenly enters the DJ booth and is immediately ordered by Brenda to explain to Donna that it's far more important to attend a self defense workshop than it is to hang out with her boyfriend. Ahn-drea obediently agrees and admonishes Donna while Brenda looks on smugly. Donna suggests that Ahn-drea go to the self defense class instead of her, but Ahn-drea declines 'cause she has a date...but won't reveal the name of the unlucky bastard. Not that it matters, since neither Brenda nor Donna press Ahn-drea about who she's going out with, since I doubt they could give a rat's ass.
Papa Walsh's office. Dylan drops by without an appointment to ask Papa Walsh what the holdup is regarding the dissolution of his trust fund. After some grumbling about how it isn't a good time for him to be interrupted, Papa Walsh finally admits that after thinking long and hard, he can't go along with it. Dylan looks completely dismayed, and so Papa Walsh explains that he only has his best interest at heart. Dylan coldly tells him that he will decide what's in his own best interest, so Papa Walsh bitchily asks him if Jack is concerned about his best interest and Dylan retorts that his father deserves a second chance and he's determined to give it to him. I find it very weird that no one is questioning why Dylan giving Jack a second chance at fatherhood must entail him handing over his entire net worth to the guy. Papa Walsh tells him that as a trustee, he needs to operate in an objective and impartial manner, and then tells Dylan he has to rush off to a meeting. Dylan snarks that this decision is neither objective nor impartial.
Kelly's house. Kelly enters her bedroom to find Jackie vacuuming. She informs Kelly that a caravan of real estate agents will be coming by the house tomorrow, and so she wants everything to look spic and span. Kelly is still bummed about having to move...and also that everything in her life seems to be changing. She whines to her mom about how Brenda still isn't speaking to her, other than murmuring hello as they pass each other in the hall. Jackie explains that losing Slouchy after presenting him with an ultimatum was a bitter pill for Brenda to swallow, and she advises Kelly to be patient and give her friend time to get over it.
Community Center. Mama Walsh, Brenda, and Donna are at the self defense workshop. The instructor gives the group some grim statistics about battery and rape and then asks them to introduce themselves. Mama Walsh takes the lead and says she's there because she's tired of feeling scared and wants to know what she should do if someone ever tried to hurt her. Brenda's next and tells the group that a crazy guy held a shotgun to her head during the Meeting Mr. Pony episode, and it was really scary. When it's Donna's turn, she tells everyone that the only reason she's there is 'cause her friend forced her to come.
Yacht. Dylan is staring out the window when Jack enters the room and grumbles about the disappointing call he just got from Papa Walsh. Dylan explains that Papa Walsh is just looking out for him, but thinks he'll come around eventually and sign the dissolution papers. He assumes his father isn't in dire need of his millions, and Jack lies and assures him he's OK money-wise. A few feet away, "Captain" Terry is eavesdropping on the conversation and does not look happy to hear this news...and after Dylan slouches out of the room, Jack looks like he's going to need to shit a brick very soon.
The Peach Pit. Brandon confesses to Steve that he lost $200 on a basketball game bet, but he's confident he can bounce back from the loss. Nat suddenly pops over and commands Brandon to wait on Ahn-drea and her "boyfriend"...and Brandon and Steve look down the length of the counter and see that she's with Jordan Bonner. Brandon strolls over, greets Jordan, and congratulates him on getting into Yale. He asks the two of them where they're off to, and Ahn-drea tells him they're going to see the movie Hoffa. After they head out, Brandon returns to the end of the counter and resumes his conversation with Steve. He tells him he can't believe those two are dating and that they make a very odd couple. Steve assumes it's 'cause Jordan's black, but Brandon insists that that's not the reason, and declares that he doesn't care if Jordan is pink with blue polka-dots - a pronouncement would mean something if there actually were pink/blue polka-dotted people in the world who regularly encounter racism. Steve suggests that Brandon doesn't want to see Ahn-drea dating anyone who isn't him, which I found highly disturbing...but then was far more disturbed when Brandon admits that there's some truth to that theory. He recalls how irrationally he behaved when Ahn-drea dated Jay last summer, and says maybe it's a good thing she's going away to Yale. Brandon then spills the beans about how he and Ahn-drea have kissed, and adds that he has a weird possessive thing when it comes to her. Steve's eyes grow wide with shock - or maybe revulsion, but I'm probably just projecting - when he hears about the kissing. He demands to know more details, but Brandon walks away and shares nothing further. And for that we can all be grateful.
The Walsh house. Papa Walsh is sitting on his bed, creating a pros and cons list regarding the dissolution of Dylan's trust. Mama Walsh walks in, fresh from the self defense workshop. She tells Papa Walsh how great it was for Brenda, who she just realized has a lot of anger bottled up. Well, d'yuh - it's pretty clear that Brenda's been bottled up with anger since the debut of her inner bitch in Season 1. Mama Walsh thinks maybe the workshop will help Brenda harness her explosive rage and use it for something useful...like powering a small town, for example. Mama Walsh then complains about her sore muscles, so Papa Walsh starts massaging her shoulders. As he's doing that, she picks up his pros/cons list and reads it out loud. The cons are things like "Jack McKay is a conniving and corrupt douchepig", while the only pro is that Dylan deserves a father. Mama Walsh suggests that maybe it's time for them to cut Dylan loose; after all, they can't pretend to be his surrogate parents forever, especially since he's not even doinking Brenda anymore. Papa Walsh stares contemplatively into space.
Kelly's house. It's the day of the open house, and Kelly laments to Jackie how horrible it is to have a bunch of real estate agents milling around their house making catty remarks about the layout and decor. Jackie's realtor, Rob Lanze, strolls over and urges Kelly to get Jackie out of the house for awhile. He explains that it's always very gut-wrenching for homeowners to hear so many critical comments about their homes. Jackie insists on staying until she hears a couple of agents ridicule her generally tacky taste as they walk by. After that, she's only too happy to take off for awhile.
Papa Walsh's office. Jack and Dylan simultaneously burst through the door, and Jack irritably asks Papa Walsh why he won't sign the dissolution papers. That man is one pushy turd. He demands to know what the hell is going on, so Papa Walsh invites them to take a seat so he can explain. He announces that he's caving in to their demands and that he and his shrunken balls will sign the papers after all. Dylan and Jack look pleasantly surprised to hear this news. Papa Walsh then apologizes - particularly to Jack - about how he let his prejudices about what he thinks a father should be get in the way of Dylan having one. Naturally, Jack is happy to finally get his grubby little hands on Dylan's millions and declares that a celebratory dinner is in order. He invites Papa Walsh to join them, but he declines and tells them to enjoy themselves. They all shake hands, and Papa Walsh wishes them both good luck.
Yacht. It's night time, and the two men are still in the nearby van, listening to everything that's being said. Inside the yacht, Jack, Dylan, Christine, and Kelly are enjoying the celebratory dinner. Christine remarks that Kelly hardly ate any of her dinner, so Jack jests to Kelly that she must avoid getting too skinny because McKay men like their women with a little meat on their bones. Christine pretends to slap him, but then the two start kissing amorously. Again. Jack suddenly stands up and, in his annoying blowhardy fashion, makes a toast to the new and improved McKay clan. He toasts Kelly for whatever it is she's doing to make Dylan happy. Dylan grins and says he knows what it is, and a mortified Kelly urgently whispers at him to shut up. Jack then toasts Dylan, because he had to grow up too fast on account of his screwed up father. D'yuh. Finally he toasts Christine, and tells her he wants to spend the rest of his life with her...and proposes! She happily accepts and the two lock lips for the hundredth time this episode.
Kelly's house. A snooty real estate agent presents her client's "top offer" to Rob Lanze. We don't ever hear what the number is, but apparently it's insultingly low. Jackie exclaims that it's a five bedroom house, so Ms. Snooty snoots that since it's a buyer's market, she has no leverage. Rob asks to speak with Jackie privately, and she rails to him that the offer is highway robbery. Kelly comes down the stairs at that moment and asks what's going on, so Jackie tells her she received a really low offer for the house. Kelly happily advises her not to sell, then flounces off to go sailing with Dylan. Jackie asks Rob what she should do about the offer, and he reminds her it's the only one they've received, and that, "A bird in the hand is worth more than a dead duck." It's really too bad for Jackie that this ass-clown is choosing not to function as a real estate agent and engage in the negotiation process and discuss an appropriate counter offer the way a real life real estate agent would do.
Yacht. Kelly tells Dylan she doesn't want to go sailing after all, because it's raining and she'll get all wet. But Dylan is very excited to go, so she concedes. When he leaves the room to ready himself, Kelly glances out the window and notices a man staring straight at her with a pair of binoculars. She immediately calls Dylan over and tells him what she just saw, but all he does is pretend to want to go out there and punch the guy for gawking at his woman. She giggles and calls him crazy, and the two smooch.
The Walsh house. Brandon is now $500 in the hole with his sports gambling. Steve is shocked, but Brandon calmly assures him it's a temporary setback and irritably tells him to lose the dramatics. Steve offers to loan him some money, but Brandon tells him it's not necessary, since he'll be back in his comfort zone after a few paychecks from the Peach Pit. But Steve insists on giving him money and shoves it at him just as Papa Walsh enters the kitchen...so Brandon quietly takes it and hides it. Papa Walsh babbles to the two of them about how sore he is from playing racquetball and then ambles out of the kitchen. When he's out of earshot, Steve asks Brandon if Papa Walsh knows about the gambling, and Brandon says he doesn't and wants to keep it that way.
In the living room, Brenda and Mama Walsh are practicing the self defense moves they learned from the workshop...and Papa Walsh watches them from the doorway and looks very impressed. When Brenda heads off to the kitchen for a drink, Mama Walsh passes along a phone message from a lawyer, who told her to tell Papa Walsh that the papers are ready. Papa Walsh explains that they're for the dissolution of Dylan's trust fund. Mama Walsh assures him that he did the right thing, and Papa Walsh dramatically declares that in a couple of days, Dylan will be an extraordinarily wealthy young man. Brenda overhears him say that, and quickly scoots upstairs to go blab the news to Brandon. They both try to grasp how rich Dylan now is...and Brandon says if he had that kind of money he'd pay off his debts and do some traveling. Brenda, on the other hand, is worried that all that money will change Dylan, and thinks it might already have.
Yacht. Dylan and Kelly are dry humping on the little bed in Dylan's cabin. He jokingly asks her if she wants him for his money now that he's rich, and she jokes back that she wants him for his body. He invites her to stay with him until morning, but she tells him she highly doubts her mom would appreciate that. However, she does have an hour before she has to get home, so they resume getting busy.
Later, Jack is staring out at the night sky when Dylan slouches over to him. Jack asks him if he's OK with him and Christine getting married, and Dylan assures him he is. As the two men in the nearby van listen in, Jack starts stammering to Dylan about how he wants to tell him certain things but can't. And when Dylan suggests that he talk about stuff from Jack McKay: The Early Years, the men in the van get antsy and mutter something about having to interrupt that bedtime story. Meanwhile, Jack tells Dylan that sometimes you have to get down and dirty and roll around in the shit with pigs...or something like that. "Captain" Terry suddenly appears in the scene and tells Jack he needs to discuss something urgent. After Dylan leaves to give them their privacy, Terry snappishly orders Jack to keep his mouth shut. Jack argues that he has to tell his son about whatever secrets he's been harboring, and Terry warns him that if he tells Dylan anything about their arrangement, neither he nor Dylan will come out of this thing alive. This warning makes Jack look very freaked out, and it's more confusing than ever to figure out if Terry and the guys in the van are good or bad guys.
The Peach Pit. David is sitting at the counter, waiting for Donna when Steve suddenly enters the diner. He notices David, gives him the stink-eye, and heads toward a seat on the other end of the counter. David rushes over to him and begs him to listen to his apology. He acknowledges it was wrong to dump him as his business manager just because Icon Records told him to, but points out what a cutthroat operation it is. He explains that he has no choice but to do whatever they say until he's a big star...at which time they'll have to do whatever he says. That actually makes total sense. Steve smarmily asks him who it was who taught him that nugget of wisdom, and David has to admit that it was Wise Old Sage Steve who enlightened him about showbiz. Steve admits that it's a dirty business and finally forgives David for dumping him.
Duke the bookie enters the diner, looking shifty and sinister in his usual cartoonish way...and Nat cheerfully greets him while Brandon quivers in the background. He approaches Duke and admits that he came up a little short this week and needs a couple of days to come up with the money he owes. Duke smiles ominously and tells him he likes him because he's a hard worker and a good gambler...so he'll let him slide this time. But he warns him that he only lets his clients off the hook once - but instead of saying "once", he holds up his index finger for dramatic effect. Brandon twitches nervously.
Kelly's house. Kelly is reading a magazine in her room when David enters to tell her that Steve is no longer mad at him for working with Icon Records. Kelly tells him that Steve isn't the kind to hold a grudge...unlike "some people" (meaning Brenda and her inner bitch). Jackie enters the room for a quick family meeting, during which she informs them that she turned down the insultingly low offer to purchase the house. Kelly is happy to hear that, and David assures her they'll help out as much as possible. Jackie thanks them both, and when Erin starts crying, she thanks her too. She happily looks at Kelly and David and remarks what a wonderful little family she has. Jackie is the coolest TV mommy ever.
Yacht. Jack comes into Dylan's cabin to say goodnight. He tells him he may not see him in the morning, since he has to go into town to take care of some business [Season 10 spoiler: before he secretly enters the Witness Protection Program after faking his fiery death]. When Dylan makes a face, Jack assures him he's working with the good guys now and is no longer involved in anything sleazy. As Dylan gets ready for bed, Jack reminisces about how he used to sing a song to him whenever he couldn't fall asleep...and then starts singing, Take Me Out To the Ball Game. Dylan fake protests, begs him to stop, but to no avail, because Jack keeps singing the annoying song. After fake crying out for help, Dylan throws in the towel and sings the final chorus with him...and when they finish after what seems like a really looooong time, Jack pulls him into a bear hug and looks tearful. Meanwhile, outside in the parking lot, a car pulls up and a mysterious man gets out and sticks a bomb underneath Jack's car. Eeeeek!
The following morning, Dylan steps onto the deck of the yacht. Some random old guy tells him that Jack needs to move his car from the lot to avoid getting a ticket. Dylan tells him he'll just move the car for him, so he goes back inside to grab Jack's keys. As he heads toward the parking lot, the phone rings. Jack answers it and it's Kelly, so Jack scours the yacht looking for Dylan. Just as Dylan is about to unlock the car, Jack calls out to him and tells him he has a call. Dylan heads back toward the yacht and when he learns the call is from Kelly, he tells Jack he could have just called her back. No duh. Jack advises him never to keep a woman he cares about waiting, and takes the keys from Dylan and says he'll go move his car. Dylan then takes the call, and he and Kelly briefly chat. After about a minute, they're forced to cut the conversation short when call waiting beeps with a call from Rob Lanze. The second Dylan hangs up the phone, the bomb underneath Jack's car goes off, and it totally looks like he and all of his hot air have just been blown to smithereens. Dylan totally loses it and shrieks, "Jaaack!" - or maybe it was "Daaad!" - I really couldn't tell for sure. He runs toward the burning car and falls to his knees, screaming uncontrollably.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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